Going Too Far

[Fionn Fael]

I'm in a bit of a bad state. See, I've been seeing a guy (I'll call him "Z" for short) for a few months now. We only officially started calling it "dating" a few days ago, but we've basically been a couple for much longer.

At the age of seventeen, I am proud to say that this is my first actual romantic relationship. Z is an absolutely amazing guy. He is the most respectful, considerate, kind, thoughtful, funny, intelligent, creative, artsy, generous and overall sweet guy that a girl could ever hope for. Also, he just so happens to be extremely handsome and a veritable athletic Adonis. But his incredible combination of good qualities make him almost too irresistible for his own good.

Now, my entire life, I've pretty much been the biggest prude in the world. I'd barely kissed a boy before dating Z. And he has never forced or even mildly persuaded me into doing the slightest physical act with him. Admittedly, he did initiate the first kiss. But that's it. The farthest we've gone is making out. He frequently asks if I'm okay with what we're doing, assuring me that I don't have to do anything at all if I don't want to. He expresses fears that I'm being swayed by him into going further than I want. But that's not the case. The awful thing is, I want to do things with him; and not only that, but I want to do everything with him. Blame it on teenage hormones, my closeness to him, or me just plain being a pervert, but sometimes all I can think about is physically needing him. Every time we're together, I just want to go further and further, but force myself not to do so.

It scares me. I've never felt this way before. Don't get me wrong--this is definitely not a shallow relationship based on sexual attraction. It was founded on friendship, simple conversations, and long night drives, sans the smallest physical touch. And we still spend loads of time just talking and being emotionally and intellectually close. Z has told me over and over again that he will absolutely not, under any circumstances, take my virginity, even if I want him to. He has had sex with one girl, with whom his relationship ended badly, and does not want to "corrupt" me or our relationship in any way, shape or form. And the biggest reason he won't is that he knows I plan on saving my virginity until I'm married. Still, I'm afraid of what I'm capable of. What if I convince him to have sex?

What should I do? I'm very worried about this. I could really use some prayer and any advice you can spare, everyone. Thank you.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

I imagine that your circumstance is rather common nowadays. Likewise, I'm sure your boyfriend does have the same desire time to time. (Without any ill intention, of course)

The first step would be to simply pray about it, and even pray about it with him. You know it's wrong and he knows it too, so you basically just have to constant whack yourself in the head as a reminder and stick to your guns.

[K. Ayato]

I'm glad you're being honest here, Fionn. I felt the very same way 3 years ago with Aaron. I do agree it's both exciting and frightening when comes to raging hormones. Like yourself, I felt the strong pulls to go all the way, but I knew it'd only come to deep pain and regret later on.

Right now I would suggest spending a week or two (however long you feel you might need) away from him to help rethink certain things. Talk this over with him. If he is confused or puzzled, politely tell him you still enjoy his company, but you need some time to think things over. If he's a fellow Believer, ask him to pray for you.

I understand you might be against my advice because you're so used to the physical closeness the two of you share, but speaking from experience, if that is all your relationship is based on, I'm sorry to say but it won't be a sure foundation.

I can relate to a lot of what you're going through. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions. I'm praying for you, hon. *Hugs*

[Mithrandir]

From my experience working with teens (not to mention being one not so long ago that I can't remember it), what you are going though happens to basically everyone. DON'T berate yourself for this. The fact that you can recognize it shows you definitely have what it takes to keep things above board. If you are serious about wanting to truly honor him, my best advice would be this:

Take friends along everywhere you go.

It's not fun, but (and you can trust me on this):

IF YOU WAIT TO TRY AND "BE GOOD" WHEN YOU'RE IN THE THICK OF THINGS, YOU *WILL* FAIL.

That's my advice to you:
1) Take friends with you - you'll probably have more fun, or at least less guilt.
2) Decisions are best made in advance - when the hormones haven't totally kicked in yet.

Hope it's helpful!

[Blitzkrieg1701]

Since he seems to have his own concerns about going too far, I'd say just be honest and open with him about yours. If he really doesn't want to talk you into something you don't want, then he ought to feel the same about something you "want" but don't WANT want.

[ShiroiHikari]

Attraction is natural; it's nothing to be ashamed of. However, that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep your wits about you. Set specific limits. If it starts to approach those limits, back off. If he's really as great a guy as you say he is, not only are you lucky, but he will understand.

[Momo-P]

That's my advice to you:
1) Take friends with you - you'll probably have more fun, or at least less guilt.
2) Decisions are best made in advance - when the hormones haven't totally kicked in yet.

Adding onto this, the classic "don't be in locked rooms" advice is very good. Granted it's annoying to think someone could just walk in on you, but if you have an enviroment where you know people are around, but you can get privacy...that's my advice. It's kind of hard to go very far when you know people are walking around above or below you. Lets you have your private time, but keeps you paranoid enough you don't do something stupid.

Otherwise most people have stated the obvious. You don't want to go all the way, he won't do it, that's good, talk about it, pray over it, etc. There really isn't much else to say. Unfortunately God DID make male for female, so you're going to have these feelings.

[EricTheFred]

Beyond what everyone else had to say, I would like to add..

GOOD FOR YOU.

You've taken a step far too many kids don't. You've recognized that you need to set limits for yourself, or you will do things you will regret. Far too often, kids are tricked into the idea of 'if it feels right, you should do it.' Music, television, peers, too many influences out htere telling you that's what you should do.

Based on the evidence, you're already listening to the Lord and your conscience in your heart. You just have to keep praying, and keep having faith.

But don't beat yourself up for having human feelings. In our modern society, we've made things too hard on young folks by stretching out the length of childhood (once upon a time, you'd have been married by now) but it seems to work out better overall this way, so you just have to deal with this particular (and somewhat painful) side effect. You aren't wrong to be physically attracted to someone you love, but until you've committed yourself to him for life (and exchanged the appropriate vows declaring so), you need to keep the boundaries where they are.

[kat-su-chan]

I don't know...Maybe I just have the worst experience but I wouldn't trust a word he says. :| ahaa...
Seriously though...is he a christian? Are you a christian? Because if he isn't...missional dating doesn't work and...that's a risky position to put yourself in. If he isn't I don't want to say break up with him right away though it's probably the best thing to do. Ask him about his beliefs, take him to church if he's willing.
And of course it's understandable that you're going to have issues like that...My suggestion to you is stay as far away from a bedroom or a dark room as you can! (Seriously) Do things in the day, active things. Go swimming, go for walks, have a picnic, go bowling - heck I don't know. But by no means, go anywhere near a bedroom, or go in a room with the door shut.
Get an accountability partner, even one online! I'd be willing ^^. It's important, especially when you're dating to be able to talk to someone to keep you on track who you can be perfectly honest with... even if it's someone you don't know in person - it might be easier even.
Pray with God to help you resist your temptations, dig into the bible and your prayer time with God and become stronger in your beliefs and your own self respect. You need to rely on God for strength, not your own strength because your own strength will always fail you.
The other thing is...don't make a line because you'll want to cross it. Don't say 'as long as we don't have sex it will be ok'. "as long as we just do oral we're not really breaking rules". Don't lie to yourself...Because that is definately not true, and it ends up being more damaging than anything else.
It might seem stiff, but keep everything to kissing, holding hands and hugging. Because once you go farther than that it's reaaally not easy to stop yourself from going further.
I hope this helps a bit.
<3 kat

[Fionn Fael]

A lot of you mentioned avoiding being alone together, or at least not in certain situations. Well... That would be one of the hardest things to change about our relationship, because (like most couples, I assume) we do anything and everything we can just to get some alone time. What with him being a senior with a job and me being a junior with a winter sport, we can barely grab a minute to ourselves. With our hectic schedules the way they are, we usually only get to see each other at school and late at night, when he gets off work. It's so hard to keep from doing things when you're alone together in a truck after dark!

K. Ayato: I understand what could be accomplished by spending a week or two apart, but at this point in our relationship, I honestly don't think either of us could go that long without seeing the other. It's not even about the physical thing. I'm just not sure if I could emotionally disconnect myself from him for so long.

Another common topic among you all was beliefs. I myself have been a Christian for more than 3 years, but have been going through a bit of a rough patch in my relationship with God for a while now. Z grew up in the same church as I did, and was what you'd call a "good church kid" until about 3 or 4 years ago. He got mixed up in some bad things and never really recovered, spiritually, even when he cleaned up his act. So that's how we stand right now...

Thanks so much for the advice and support, everyone! I would be very grateful for any more you have to offer!

[SnEptUne]

K. Ayato: I understand what could be accomplished by spending a week or two apart, but at this point in our relationship, I honestly don't think either of us could go that long without seeing the other. It's not even about the physical thing. I'm just not sure if I could emotionally disconnect myself from him for so long.

Why not? If being in a relationship meant being unable to be seperated for a week, is this any different from being mutated and chained together? You are not a half person, nor is he a half. You are a whole person with your own life just like he does. Just like how an orchis need air and sun light, a relationship that bound the hands and legs of each other will rot.

[K. Ayato]

I agree. Back when my boyfriend and I were dating 3 years ago, we couldn't stand being away from each other for even 2 days. I know you don't like the look of it, but you both need to learn how to cope with not seeing each other for a few days at a time AT LEAST. Yes, you can both begin to grow while you're together, but much more growth can be accomplished when you're apart.

[bakura_fan]

oh man. seperation. >_< I was seperated from my husband from aug-jan 1. I in Washington(job), he in Maine(college). ;-; It was tough on both of us, but we made it. If you decide to do a seperate thing, just take it a day at a time. That's how we had to do it.

[K. Ayato]

You said it, hon. I'm gonna have to deal with the pains associated with having a long-distance relationship real soon .

[Doubleshadow]

You can be alone with one another without being out of view of other people. Go to a public place, or at least an open one where any one can see you and talk. Think parks, the benches in quieter shopping areas, etc. You can go to places where there are people and still restrict the interactions to the two of you.
As far as emotions go, that's tougher. It's fatalistic and cynical and cold I know, but I always remind myself people suffer and die, so there's no use to getting too attached to them . You can't keep them, so why develop that degree of emotional dependency? Also, he's really just sinful dust like the rest of us, so he can't really be something worth that much devotion. People who do manage to be a loving couple in Christs image despite all the pitfalls amaze me. I have yet to figure out how truly Godly couples pull it off. Balancing their pursuit of God and love for Jesus and something temporary like another human blows my mind.
I hope that doesn't make me sound like a crazy person, but that is my thought process. Maybe you'll find something it in helpful.

[Fionn Fael]

Well... There's actually another reason that I don't like to be separated from him for long... See... He has some rather... unhealthy habits. He's going through a period where he's trying extremely hard to straighten up, and it seems like he does a lot better job of staying on track when I'm around often. I think he sort of depends on my presence to help him do better. I'm terrified of leaving him alone for too long because he's so volatile and self-destructive.

Doubleshadow: No, I don't think you're crazy, although I will admit that your point of view does sound a little desolate. As a very introverted person, I do understand where you're coming from. At the same time, though, I believe deep, emotional connection with other human beings is absolutely essential. For me, a romantic one is what I've been dreaming of for seventeen years, so forgive me if I sound a little clingy when it comes to my newfound relationship. Haha...

[SnEptUne]

I have never been in a romantic relationship either and like Doubleshadow mentioned, I don't see any point of a "romantic relationship" beside breeding. Friendship can be precious and taught ones a lot about trusting and accepting others, but what will I gain in a romantic relationship? Jealousy? Selfishness? Lust? I don't need any of those.

[termyt]

Dating in groups is a great idea, but I can understand the desire for "alone time" as well. I would say that never being alone with Z is probably not the only answer. But not being alone with him when you are feeling the urge to become physical with him is probably an excellent idea.

Z sounds like a great guy, but you and he both deserve more. From what you've said, it sounds like Z is still hurting a lot - especially spiritually. For you to successfully foster and nurture your relationship, you (both of you) need to consider God's place in your relationship. With God at the center of your relationship, the dangers and pitfalls become less of a worry.

With God as the most important part of the relationship, you can be honest about your desires to become physically intimate and help each other resist the urges until you both make life-long commitments to each other.