General Lust Prayer Thread (WARNING: Mature Content)

[Htom Sirveaux]

@kat-su-chan:
Welcome! I'm pretty sure M is considered a sin. Partly because I've been raised to think so, but mostly because in my experience, there really isn't any excuse that isn't rooted in plain and simple self-gratification. The way I see it, that's why it leaves us feeling so rotten and shamed, or at the very least, doubtful. That's how the conscience works; if it troubles you that much, it's probably wrong. I'm not trying to come off sounding like I'm condemning you or anyone here, that's just the way it is, at least from my perspective.

For my part, I keep... I guess you'd call it "making the excuse" that I'm perpetually, hopelessly single. I'm the kind of "nice guy type" that extremely pretty girls can feel comfortable talking to about their guy problems without feeling the least bit sexually threatened by me. Basically, I'm spineless, but I'm a good listener. Every girl who's ever approached me with ideas of a relationship has been the wrong one and I've refused them outright because I don't want to make any compromises relationship-wise. And on the few occasions when I've taken the initiative, I get shot down. Drives me insane. For now, I don't even wanna try anymore. I've lost my faith in hope. So I turn to P and M for a quick-fix, which I know is wrong and it makes me a hypocrite for spouting off about not making compromises because that's possibly an even worse one. Since I've joined this thread though, it's helped me tremendously and though I've still fallen my fair share of times I feel closer now than ever to achieving my goal of leaving it all behind for good.

[HiddenWoodchuck]

Welcome! I'm pretty sure M is considered a sin. Partly because I've been raised to think so, but mostly because in my experience, there really isn't any excuse that isn't rooted in plain and simple self-gratification. The way I see it, that's why it leaves us feeling so rotten and shamed, or at the very least, doubtful. That's how the conscience works; if it troubles you that much, it's probably wrong. I'm not trying to come off sounding like I'm condemning you or anyone here, that's just the way it is, at least from my perspective.

Agreed well said. I'm seeing more and more people, who say it is just "human nature" and that if God didn't want us to "M" then He would not have given us arms. It's one of the stupidest things I have ever heard in my life... a lot of people that have said it to me, are in fact self proclaiming Christians... it just seems like an excuse for them to keep doing what they are. I don't mean to sound all angry, but it just upsets me, because it reminds me of being laughed at for wanting to quit, by other Christians... but just be careful about reading in to or listening to those who speak that way, it is very dangerous. That's just my opinion, I am no saint... but when someone says human nature, the first thing that comes to mind is sin.

Bard, I am praying for you happy to hear you are closer to breaking this habitual sin. I'm officially one day free of it... now, going for two!

[Amzi Live]

I was gonna start the new year with a month of being free from this,but I fell today.I can't stand it anymore.Ugh!I'll still be praying for you guys.

[Okami]

*sighs* So I fell again last night...and I did it in such a way, well, it's very shaming. Emphasis on very. The last time I'd M'd like that was back in July, the day before going to Christ in Youth, actually. But thinking about it in that light, it gives me hope. Why? Because of the resolution I made, to get clean from this...
And that time that I'd M'd in this way back in July...it had been my last for 4 and a half months.

Pray that I can go on stronger this time. If I can make it to at least 5 months, that will bring me out to June or so. Pastor Randy said to make God-sized goals for the New Year. Let's see what He can do!

[Sheenar]

Will keep praying for you, Okami.

[HiddenWoodchuck]

Will be praying for you as well, Okami!

[Htom Sirveaux]

As will I.

[Okami]

Aw. You guys are the best. And likewise, I'm praying for all of you.

[Kura Ookami]

Agreed well said. I'm seeing more and more people, who say it is just "human nature" and that if God didn't want us to "M" then He would not have given us arms. It's one of the stupidest things I have ever heard in my life... a lot of people that have said it to me, are in fact self proclaiming Christians... it just seems like an excuse for them to keep doing what they are. I don't mean to sound all angry, but it just upsets me, because it reminds me of being laughed at for wanting to quit, by other Christians... but just be careful about reading in to or listening to those who speak that way, it is very dangerous. That's just my opinion, I am no saint... but when someone says human nature, the first thing that comes to mind is sin.

Bard, I am praying for you happy to hear you are closer to breaking this habitual sin. I'm officially one day free of it... now, going for two!

It is human nature to sin. Only one human didn't sin and that is Jesus. That doesn't give us a very good track record. Even Pual struggled with sin and God chose to honor him by letting him write most of the new testament. God didn't say "No i think I'll choose someone who has sinned a little less than you to write these books." I think we might want to give ourselves a break from time to time and remind ourselves that God forgives our sins. He doesn't even remember them. When we hear the voices saying "You failed again last week." perhaps we should say in response,
"Yeah that's true, i did fail last week, but that's okay. I'm growing."
"Well, you M'd just yesterday."
"Yes, that's true. I wish i hadn't done that. I've repented. I know I'm forgiven. This is a new day. I'm not looking back. I'm looking forward."
When we have that kind of attitude we prevent satan from bringing us down through our guilt and making us M because we feel bad because of the guilt so we M to make ourselves feel better which makes us feel even worse. Guilt can be a vicious cycle.
As long as we're doing our best and serving God to the best of our ability we don't need to feel guilty when we fall. Repent and move on. When we return to God after being away from Him He accepts us with open arms. His mercy is so great, greater than any mistakes we make.
I'm praying for everyone's success in beating this sin.

In a few hours it will have been one whole day for me without M. That's a pretty big deal. It's all thanks to our great Lord, Jesus Christ.

[Sheenar]

There's a website called Boundless.org that has a lot of good articles and resources about fighting lust, pornography, and M. (It also has a lot of articles about other areas too like growing closer to God, dating, marriage, etc.)
http://www.boundless.org/2002_2003/departments/theophilus/a0000768.html

Another website for those that struggle with pornography is http://www.pureintimacy.org.

Hope these resources help.

[Blitzkrieg1701]

I'm praying too, Okami!

I was going to add something to the M discussion, but between Hidden, Spoony, and Kura Ookami, I think everything has been said. Nicely put, ya'll.

Regarding the relationship comments... well, the Depression Thread has the struggles I'm going through in that department right now, so let me just say that I'm praying for you guys in the midst of my own grief.

Oh, and I'm actually doing well lust wise for once. Seeing that I've been vistining relatives all week, it's been impossible to isolate myself enough to become as vulnerable as usual, and I kind of haven't had time to indulge in anything anyway. Still, I'm kind of afraid to go back home and be faced with the same old routines.

[Kunoichi]

*sigh

I fell again. I slept with my friend *my boss* as stated in my previous posts.

Please pray that I learn how to fight this.

I realized something though, I didn't feel the love like I have previously. maybe that means something??

[Okami]

I actually wanted to add my input on what I've been learning on M lately, you know, like I said it's all rather confusing and maybe even contradictory to what you guys have said...but bear with me here. I'm just putting my thoughts out.

Honestly, it's a grey issue, not mentioned in the Bible, and because of that, it's put me in a position of compromise to my own values lately, as I grew up believing it was entirely sin...and, for the most part, I think that's what I'm still sticking with.

For some, it may be sin. For others, it may not be. It's all in the way the Spirit convicts us about it. Personally, it's half and half for me. Depending on the mindset and my thoughts while in the act. I can truly say here have been a few times where I've gone to God, asking for His opinion, and the best result was M. That's for like, pain relief and stuff. But as much as I'd like to continue it in that sort of way, it makes it too easy to compromise on the side of lust, as well.

And I go to Him on a regular basis on this issue. Sometimes He has said yes, while most of the time His response is no...and being the rebel I am, I continue on and do it anyways, and feel that guilt and shame as the devil accuses me of it.

And as I see it, if it brings such guilt, such shame as it does, then it's sin. Obviously. And that could be the devil accusing us or maybe prehaps the Spirit convicting us. Or both. I dunno.

And when I'm especially unsure, I go to the Word. And I allow God to show me where to go from there...
2 Timothy 2:22 has always been huge for me ~

"Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts." (NLT)

But this year I'm giving it my all to break the bondage M has been for me. Addicted and torn apart from it for years...I just want to let go and give it to God, trustfully, faithfully.


And while I may be at a stage of Half and Half, I don't want to be compromising for any of you...because I'm seriously considering stopping, and I can't be the one to do the job of the Spirit. It's His job to convict us on what is right and true, no?

I hope that made some sense...I've been toying around with it for some time now.

[Blitzkrieg1701]

Hopefully, it's God teaching your thoughts and feelings discipline. No temptation can keep it's luster forever, ya know? (Wow. I never even noticed the root of that word before)

I have to say, though, that if this work situation is placing you in temptation's crosshairs regularly, something's going to have to change there. I know that, with your financial situation, there's a lot at stake to be messing around with anything job related, but if you're seeking to honor God, He will honor that.

Father, I liff my sister Kunoichi up before You now and ask that You will give her strength and wisdom in this time of trial. I admit that I cannot personally know the struggles she is suffering through right now, but I know that doesn't matter. You know EXACTLY what they are because You have borne them Yourself and destroyed their claim on her. Please, Lord, show her how to respond to these temptations and give her Your strength to endure them. Strengthen her desire to seek out Your will for her and further feed her love for You.
In the name of Jesus Christ I pray,
Amen

EDIT: To Okami: I REALLY don't like it when people talk about M as being a substitute, and I don't really think it's the sort of senario where it stops being sin for certain people in certain situations. That said, I can't really argue with the "lesser of two evils" attitude, so long as that's really how it's understood. I guess it's all a matter of how you say it. As we all know painfully well, escaping these addictions is a gradual process. We have to grow as the Spirit works in us, and nobody grows in one giant leap. Our growth will show itself in falling less before not falling at all (and, of course, we're NEVER going to be perfect this side of Paradise). Indeed, some of the worst times I've let Satan beat the snot out of me have been when I got discouraged over not being all the way there yet. He's really good at taking a good goal and turning it into a terrible weapon by telling us to be impatient and discouraged that we're not already there. I guess the key is just plain old faith: faith that the Lord really IS still working in us and faith that we can't screw up too much for Him to do it.

Lord God, I lift up my sister Okami to You as well. The grip these addictions have on us can be so strong, and the road to freedom from them can seem so long. Please, Father, grant her Your strength and Your prodection from these temptations and grow her even further in her walk with you.
In Jesus Christ's name I pray,
Amen

[kat-su-chan]

It's hard for me to wrap my head around this topic kind of. I didn't intend to make an excuse and state that M was just part of human nature, just to clarify. (I'm not upset, but I don't want people to get the wrong impression of me...) It was just one of the things I have been told. and I can say that I agree with everything that everyone's said on this site so far.

But for some reason, it still feels like a foggy issue.
Of course, I have M'ed in the past on occasion. I didn't fall into patterns, or become addicted to it. And though I am sometimes tempted by porn or what comes up randomly on google images. But, this area of sexuality has never been a struggle for me, it was always physical and not self. I know for sure, my relationship with God has slackened because of my sexual impurity, but I can't say that this has happened because of M.
I couldn't say when the last time I did M was, but since reading this thread a few days ago I've become more concious of it. I think sometimes I M before I go to bed (this is going to sound hilarious...) usually because I am freezing cold and am too tired to get up and run around (haha oh my). Anyways...uhm. But even with that being the case on occasion I can't say I've had it affect my closeness with God or discussions or even my own psycholical standpoint. So I guess this is a little bit difficult for me to wrap my head around.
I have trouble sometimes seeing it as a sin.
Now, on the other hand I know there are occassions where I've M'ed for entirely different sinful reasons. And those of course, have affected me. However...this rarely happens.
So. I can differentiate between the two...one as an obvious sin... but I am still struggling with seeing M as a sin in my other situation, and I can't see it as something that can come between myself and God when it's not accompanied by porn, dirty thoughts or lust...because it hasn't so far.

Please don't feel hesitant to convict me, if I didn't want conviction I wouldn't address the matter...
But I'm really having trouble getting this :S

love Kat

[Kunoichi]

Blitz,

THank you for praying for me. That strengthens my soul so much just to know someone is praying and someone cares. I need that so much right now because their is no one I can talk to. Except God.

Financial is not just the issue either, I've been with this company for over 8 years and it is my career. THere is no other place I can go to learn it and it is a one of a kind business.

Just give me prayer to say "no" and fight. I so want to be with the person God wants me to be with. I don't want to hurt anymore.

God is going to help me get out of this. I know he will.

I don't know how and if it comes to the point to where I lose my job...well God will have to provide for me. I feel so sick and hurt right now. I don't even want to keep living due to all this.

Will God give up on me too?

The reason why my friend has such a "emotional" hold on me is because when I had literally no one there for me, (mom wasn't around and I was pretty much raising myself at a young age), my friend was there helping me and supporting me. That is why it is so hard to say no to someone that helped you so much and was there for you so much. It is not simply the physical lust, it is a big emotional one too.

[Okami]

Hey kids (Okay, so you're all older than me, so sue) with two minutes left in 2007, I just wanted to say to you all...

Here's to God's work and new commitments. To faith and trust in His power.
Let's storm 2008. God is bigger than this, always has been, always will be.

Satan has no power over us. Remember that always.

[Aleolus]

Blitz,

THank you for praying for me. That strengthens my soul so much just to know someone is praying and someone cares. I need that so much right now because their is no one I can talk to. Except God.

Financial is not just the issue either, I've been with this company for over 8 years and it is my career. THere is no other place I can go to learn it and it is a one of a kind business.

Just give me prayer to say "no" and fight. I so want to be with the person God wants me to be with. I don't want to hurt anymore.

God is going to help me get out of this. I know he will.

I don't know how and if it comes to the point to where I lose my job...well God will have to provide for me. I feel so sick and hurt right now. I don't even want to keep living due to all this.

Will God give up on me too?

The reason why my friend has such a "emotional" hold on me is because when I had literally no one there for me, (mom wasn't around and I was pretty much raising myself at a young age), my friend was there helping me and supporting me. That is why it is so hard to say no to someone that helped you so much and was there for you so much. It is not simply the physical lust, it is a big emotional one too.

Kun, first thing I have to say is that [SIZE="7"]GOD WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU!!![/SIZE].
There. Hopefully that's emphasized enough. As for the rest, I know you don't know me real well, but if you ever want to talk, you can always send me a message, I'm always willing to be a shoulder to cry on.
As for dealing with your 'friend', does he know you are in a committed relationship and are wanting to be faithful to him? Is he the one making advances, or are you? If it's him, and he doesn't know, he needs to. Now. If he does know, then you need to remind him, gently but firmly, that you are wanting to stay faithful to the man you love, and as painful as it may be to hear, it isn't him. Make sure to tell him you are thankful for all the support he has given you, but that is going too far.
As for dealing with your own lusts, all I can say is that you have to master your body, or else your body will master you. A possibility might be that when your lust starting to rise, focus your thoughts on two things, and those two things alone. First thing, God. Second, your boyfriend. If you can keep yourself focused on those two things, then you might be able to hold out until you can get yourself away and deal with it in other fashions. I know this probably isn't the best advice, but it's all I have to give.

[HiddenWoodchuck]

Kunoichi, I am praying for you. Hang in there... God will never give up on you! I feel bad for not having the exact words to help you out of all the confusion, but please don't give up on that freedom. I wish you could wake up in the morning and everything would be very clear, in fact, I will pray for that to happen too, but whatever does happen, I also pray that He leads you in the right direction, to make the best choices for bringing you closer to doing what it is that He desires for your life... because I know His plan is perfect. Take care and I hope this new year brings happiness your way.

I REALLY don't like it when people talk about M as being a substitute, and I don't really think it's the sort of senario where it stops being sin for certain people in certain situations. That said, I can't really argue with the "lesser of two evils" attitude, so long as that's really how it's understood. I guess it's all a matter of how you say it. As we all know painfully well, escaping these addictions is a gradual process. We have to grow as the Spirit works in us, and nobody grows in one giant leap. Our growth will show itself in falling less before not falling at all (and, of course, we're NEVER going to be perfect this side of Paradise). Indeed, some of the worst times I've let Satan beat the snot out of me have been when I got discouraged over not being all the way there yet. He's really good at taking a good goal and turning it into a terrible weapon by telling us to be impatient and discouraged that we're not already there. I guess the key is just plain old faith: faith that the Lord really IS still working in us and faith that we can't screw up too much for Him to do it.

Well said! That is worded so much better than I could have, so I will just say I agree with you

also -

Amen Okami! Here's to 2008! Happy New Year! I pray that we all have opened eyes to so many things that seem foggy and unclear. I pray for us all to overcome our struggles. I know we can do it. God is so amazing!

God Bless you all

[Okami]

EDIT: To Okami: I REALLY don't like it when people talk about M as being a substitute, and I don't really think it's the sort of senario where it stops being sin for certain people in certain situations. That said, I can't really argue with the "lesser of two evils" attitude, so long as that's really how it's understood. I guess it's all a matter of how you say it. As we all know painfully well, escaping these addictions is a gradual process. We have to grow as the Spirit works in us, and nobody grows in one giant leap. Our growth will show itself in falling less before not falling at all (and, of course, we're NEVER going to be perfect this side of Paradise). Indeed, some of the worst times I've let Satan beat the snot out of me have been when I got discouraged over not being all the way there yet. He's really good at taking a good goal and turning it into a terrible weapon by telling us to be impatient and discouraged that we're not already there. I guess the key is just plain old faith: faith that the Lord really IS still working in us and faith that we can't screw up too much for Him to do it.

Lord God, I lift up my sister Okami to You as well. The grip these addictions have on us can be so strong, and the road to freedom from them can seem so long. Please, Father, grant her Your strength and Your prodection from these temptations and grow her even further in her walk with you.
In Jesus Christ's name I pray,
Amen

Absolutely, and I agree...like I mentioned, I was just putting out my thoughts. And how they've led to compromise, so in the end, sin is inevitable, I suppose. Human nature and sin...ah, gotta love it. And hate it. Whatever.
There's nothing bigger than our God, and that said, I know we need to fix all our attention on Him.

I'd say more, but it's late, and I just took my sleep antidepressant so my thoughts are going....blank....yeah. And I honestly have little idea of what I was trying to say in this post...God, let it go through clear...

Thanks for the prayer It means a lot.

Go strong, friends! Stay alert in this new year.

[HiddenWoodchuck]

Thanks for making this thread Okami, and thanks for all you have done and continue to do. God is using you to reach out to others... to be an encouragement, and it is showing. I pray that you are able to continue to be encouraged by others here as well. Thanks everyone for being honest and for all the prayers that have been said, it is truly amazing! Take care everyone, and have a good night.

[SP1]

Well, I know this is a depression thread, but Happy New Year anyway! There's lots of struggling going on, I can see, but there's definitely been some major gains out there, so we keep praying.

[Kunoichi]

Kun, first thing I have to say is that [SIZE="7"]GOD WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOU!!![/SIZE].
There. Hopefully that's emphasized enough. As for the rest, I know you don't know me real well, but if you ever want to talk, you can always send me a message, I'm always willing to be a shoulder to cry on.
As for dealing with your 'friend', does he know you are in a committed relationship and are wanting to be faithful to him? Is he the one making advances, or are you? If it's him, and he doesn't know, he needs to. Now. If he does know, then you need to remind him, gently but firmly, that you are wanting to stay faithful to the man you love, and as painful as it may be to hear, it isn't him. Make sure to tell him you are thankful for all the support he has given you, but that is going too far.
As for dealing with your own lusts, all I can say is that you have to master your body, or else your body will master you. A possibility might be that when your lust starting to rise, focus your thoughts on two things, and those two things alone. First thing, God. Second, your boyfriend. If you can keep yourself focused on those two things, then you might be able to hold out until you can get yourself away and deal with it in other fashions. I know this probably isn't the best advice, but it's all I have to give.

*staggers then falls over at the insanely huge print!* lol

Yes to answer your question, he does know. He knows and I know and in fact we are both struggling with the same sin. Sigh* It doesn't have really anything to do with "physical lust" but rather just feeling loved. I know God loves me, I have Jesus as my personal savior, it is just..I don't know....maybe I am just so confused I do not know what real love is anymore

I may break it off with both, I just..gotta trust God to lead me in the right place. Thank you all for your prayers, encouragement and support. This has been the hardest thing for me to write about and well you all are the only ones that know about it , excluding God.

Hopefully as this 2008 rolls around, I will be able to beat this sin that has held me captive for over a year.

God bless everyone!

[Blitzkrieg1701]

Well, I know this is a depression thread, but Happy New Year anyway! There's lots of struggling going on, I can see, but there's definitely been some major gains out there, so we keep praying.

Indeed! Just talking about the struggles at all is a major victory for some of us *raises hand*

Kunoichi, I guess there's really not much I can add at this point, other than I'm still praying for God to grant you wisdom and strength.

Kat, I actually know what you're talking about with the whole freezing in bed thing. And, while my overactive imagination won't allow me to disconnect M and lustful thoughts personally, I can acept that some people might be able to keep it a 100% physical act that doesn't lead diectly to something else. However, sin doesn't have do immediately lead to another sin to count as sinful. All it has to be is outside God's design, and He designed our sexuality as something to be shared between husband and wife. Since M, deliberately lustful or not, is by definition sexual and an act not between husband and wife, I personally can't see how it wouldn't be counted as sinful.

Regarding your lack of conviction, however... well, the fact that you're chewing on this out of a desire to understand God's will as opposed to just looking for a way out of painful guilt isn't something you should feel sorry for! That said, just think about this: it may seem like there's no clear consequence to M in this context, but what consequence would there be to seeking to honor God in spite of that? Don't try to work the issue out in negative terms (what you SHOULDN'T do), take a positive approach (what's the best thing you CAN do?)

Speaking of M, I have to confess that I slipped up last night. I got broadsided by temptation coming from directions that I REALLY didn't expect yesterday. (MAN, Satan is good at finding blind spots) Please just keep praying that I keep a closer eye on my mind and what I put into it.

[Htom Sirveaux]

Lord, I pray for all of us here as we enter the new year. Let our commitments be solemn, our goals realistic, our minds and hearts always on You. Let us never give up as You never give up on us. And if we fall, let us remember that You still love us. Let us remember and draw strenghth from the fact that You are greater than any struggle we may experience. We want to be clean. We want to be pure. We want nothing more than what You have for us. In Your name I pray. Amen.

[kat-su-chan]

Blitz, thanks for your response it does make a lot of sense. I feel better, in the place that I am mentally about it now. Just thinking abotu glorifying God and maybe putting energy elsewhere. Good stuff, and I'll be praying for you ^^

[Okami]

[SIZE="1"]I...I...am small, but, You, You, are big enough...I...I...am weak, but You...You are strong enough...[/SIZE]

It's been two days. And right now is the first time I've truly been alone, and I feel it so strong, the temptation. God...don't let me give up on You. I know I'm a doubter, I confess it...I doubt daily, of Your power, Your sacrifice, and how it could possibly cover up what I've done...that I even have the Spirit living in and working through me, that You love me. God...God...I just don't know anymore...keep me strong. I need You, even if I can't see or feel You...I just need You..

[Danderson]

I just came back from a confrence that my churches assosiation hosts anually and there's a few things I would like to encourage you guys with regarding this issue that I've learned from that confrence:

When we look at someone of the opposite sex, instead of thinking "what can he/she do for me?" ask yourself "what can he/she do for the kingdom of God?" Look at them through the eyes of God.

Also, when you feel guilty don't let it consume you. Instead rest on God's forgiveness as well as his strength.......And, as has been said before me, STARVE THE SOURCE!!! If you find yourself inside with the computer too much, find opprotunities to get out as much as you can. If you find urself with the wrong crowd too much, try to find strong brothers and sisters who can help keep u accountable.

When You struggle, remember that God has made you a new tree who can produce good fruit. For that is our true identy if we have accepted Christ to be our Savior.....

Know that I'm still praying for all of you guys.....I know in the end God will make each of you victorious......

[Aleolus]

*staggers then falls over at the insanely huge print!* lol

Yes to answer your question, he does know. He knows and I know and in fact we are both struggling with the same sin. Sigh* It doesn't have really anything to do with "physical lust" but rather just feeling loved. I know God loves me, I have Jesus as my personal savior, it is just..I don't know....maybe I am just so confused I do not know what real love is anymore

I may break it off with both, I just..gotta trust God to lead me in the right place. Thank you all for your prayers, encouragement and support. This has been the hardest thing for me to write about and well you all are the only ones that know about it , excluding God.

Hopefully as this 2008 rolls around, I will be able to beat this sin that has held me captive for over a year.

God bless everyone!

Well, you might request a transfer to a different department, if that's a possibility. If not, then you might ask if it would be acceptable to bring your bf to work with you, since then you could focus on him in the here and now.

As for the issue of true love and all, true love only wants to give, and to not cause pain. It sounds sorta like you've fallen for both of them. If this were not a Christian forum, and I did not know you were a Christian, I might jokingly suggest you see how they would feel about you seeing both of them, but that would be in extremely bad taste here. I really don't have any advice for you, and all I can do is offer my virtual shoulder to cry on, and to act as a sounding board if you need one.

[Okami]

I thought of making a new thread in Writing for this...but it just felt as if it should go here or at GDPT. And here seemed like the better place for it.

Whoa, so I seriously took the time last night and just wrote my feelings, and those feelings wrapped themselves together to make a two-paged short story. Me, writing a short story? Impossible. But apparently not. I liked it so much I thought I'd share it, even with its many truths and triggers. I'm putting two spoiler boxes because of the triggers (Viewer's choice, that way) and to split it up. Oh, and they make it look bigger than it really is XD

That being said....

[spoiler]Silence…silence. God, she hated it. She looks down to her scarred arms. Only select few have ever seen the marks she's made. The night masks and, as if covering a mistake, reveals as if nothing ever happened. And it feels like a lie. They say a cutter doesn't feel pain, but she felt it worse in the scars than in the wounds as the blood dripped freely. And the silence etches into her like the razors she once used; it felt like death. That is, if death is painful.

A clock ticks slowly from somewhere in the deafening silence. That's worse than the purity of silence. Tick, tick, tock; thus, with each second counting to death itself. All she feels is this inescapable urge to run, or maybe to masturbate until she calmed at climax. It was always this way in the deep of night. She hated it.

The dawn of the New Year was just a day ago. There was so much commitment she's feeling she can't keep. It feels like contradiction. Her resolutions this year included giving her all to God. That was by far the hardest, as some days she struggled with the doubt of His existence.

Next in line came giving up masturbation. That could almost be called equally hard. She learned of the stimulus at age five, and had been doing it more aggressively by the year—now making twelve. A dirty secret she had kept alone and in the cold for perhaps even too long, she felt she had become so habitual and addicted in such treacherous sin that she may not be able to get out.

But that just went to the whole placing-trust-in-God thing. By now, it has been two days since she hasn't done that shameful act. And though it may not sound like much, to even a friend, two days was quite the victory in her eyes. Unfortunately, very few understood that part of lust and of guilt.

Her third and, ultimately, last resolution for this year was to quit her self-inflicted pain. Cutting, as she had done for four months, had left her wounded and scarred; with no one to blame but herself. She was just thankful she sought help as she did. Or else…or else…she could well be dead.

It was all so bitter.[/spoiler][spoiler]Her heart thundered, maybe it would have just been better to off her self and meet her Maker, the One she's promised so much to, and broken every word. Her actions of the past, and even of the compromising things she thought now, were being forgiven just as she tried to calm her mind. He was bigger, stronger, than she would ever be.

She couldn't sever, or even stand to do so, from knowing Him. Yes, she had her doubts, plenty of them, but something just told her that without Him, she could not go on. So she clung to that very last thread of hope above any other.

Self-injury and masturbation and all the sin of the world could not compare to the hope and joy He brought her. Joy! Real joy, yeah, like none she'd ever felt before, it was pure. It was innocent. She liked that so much. And in that pure innocence was a power that sin itself could not tame, for it was greater. Release, there was no truer release other than that of Christ's arms. That she was finding in this wretched silence.

To just follow the other wolves like her, those that had been rejected and left for dead, as it felt, that was her only true dream. Her alpha leader was none other than the Lord Himself. He was spit upon for the truth He spoke, beaten, whipped, and scarred.

Scarred—and that meant everything.

Getting on her knees, she sweats in exasperation. It was tiring, resisting temptation like this. To even revisit such pain was to dive to a place yet unexplored. Not to mention unwanted. So instead of dealing with everything in silence, she turns to her iPod. Music was a safe place, an area where she felt maybe someone understood, unlike those around her.

Oh sure, they tried, but it wasn't heartfelt, it felt to her. The only genuinely true emotion she felt was from her God, and that wasn't often. At least…at least it was something, right? But on that night of silence she felt Him there, a comfort to all the pain; narcotic at the roots, much like a drug.

She knows it's all going to change someday. By placing God rightfully on His throne and giving up the control she once had, she really wanted to stop. God was to be a priority. Christ died yesterday, He rose today, and He's going to come back tomorrow. That was the faith she clung so desperately to, even at risk of being called a radical, or whatever.

Oh, if only they knew what sorrow lay beyond her sleeves. And in a way, she wanted to allow that testimony to shine through. No, she just wanted to quit hiding. That it had been a month ago since she last cut. God was at work whether or not she liked it. He was bigger than this hell, the silence. There would be no more of this brokenness with Him.

She's been fading away, poisoned by murderous lies. But this year she was going to change. Because she knew wholeheartedly, even within the doubt, that with God, all things were possible. People were sure to question that logic, but what could she say? It was her only hope she had left.[/spoiler]