I dunno...

[Saj]

I've been wanting to write something in this room for a while... alot in my life has happened, and i guess i just need encouragement.

I have this really big problem of letting my self down, and being lazy because of it because I'm depressed about it. I struggle with a few different things, like lust, laziness, and procrastination (same thing as laziness??).

The lust part got the best of me, and another person... I almost became a father. She decided on getting an abortion, knowing I didn't want her to. but she did it because of the pressure she was receiving from her parents(they aren't Christian). I'm not mad at her for doing it, I'm disappointed, and not with her, just with myself. All that could have been avoided if i would have just listened to my friends and family. My problem is that I thought, and i still think, that I fell in love with her. Though I don't know anymore. its been almost a month since we've last spoken. Yesterday i started thinking about her out of the blue, and it brought me down a little when i asked her friend about her, her friend got mad at me for asking, and I'm not sure why. My mind tends to travel, and blow things out of proportion, so in turn i get worried. And I'm worried about why her friend got mad at me. I wish i knew what was up with her (the girl, not her friend) so i can be calmed, but i know that its a bad idea to even try to get in touch. arrrg.

My other thing bringing my down is myself. I'm not sure if its because i hold myself to to high a standard, or I'm just stoopid. But i let my self down in almost everything, and then i get depressed, and don't do anything, because im depressed that i was lazy, or let my self down.. if that made any sense... I feel like im in this cycle that I'm never going to get out of.

I know I'm capable of so much more then what i let myself do... but I don't understand why i don't do more. For example, this weekend would have been my first class of the new semester, on Saturday(i go to a tech school with a weird schedule), and i woke up on time, but i didnt get up, i instead stayed in bed and kind of forced my self to miss class cause i didnt want to go. But i knew i had to. and then i was mad at myself all day for it, so i didnt do anything the whole weekend.

And there are other things that make disappointed in myself, like the way i spend my money, the way i treat my parents. And because of all of it, I'm genuinely afraid of praying. I hate trying to face God carrying the same crap i was carrying the last time i talked to him... and the same crap from a year or 2 ago. I don't deserve his grace. And i know its given to me because he loves me, but i dont know why, but i dont want his grace for free. I feel like I'm not living up to what i SHOULD be.

In my heart, when ever i screw up, i feel like i missed out on something. And in general, i feel like I'm supposed to be much much more then i am. Much more then a tv tech that works at a highschool, thats having trouble just getting to class 2 times a week, and cant even take the time to read his bible once a day.

Rawr, i feel very discouraged.

[ChristianKitsune]

Wow, such an honest and hard testimony, thanks for being brave enough to share with us..

I am not sure my words will help you or not, but I really feel like you are being slightly hard onyourself.

You've messed up, we all have...what good are you doing to yourself by wallowing in self misery? We have ALL failed and fallen short of God's Grace...and that's exactly why we NEED Christ.

First of all, you aren't getting God's Grace for free. It was paid for you, but that doesn't mean life as a Christian is going to be easy. In a way, we do work for our faith, because it takes dedication, it takes loving and trusting in God. When sometimes we just want to depend on ourselves.

I hope that makes sense.. ^^;

When you said you are afraid to pray to Him... I have to ask, why? God sees every single thing we do, he isn't blind, darkness won't hide our sin...he knows our hearts and he knows our actions. So he already knows whave you've done, and he is probably waiting for you to come talk to him.

God doesn't hate you, he loves you, he sent his son to die for you! I think he can handle you coming to him and talking to Him ^^;

1 Peter 5:7

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Just tell God how you feel..


I will keep you, and this girl in my prayers.

[SP1]

Let's face it, God hears a lot of prayers that say the same thing. There's only so many different sins, and we all do 'em. Get back in the habit of praying (a lot), even if it is the same thing over and over. At least you are praying.

As to the (ex) girlfriend. OK, she's probably seriously emotionally torn right now. However, I think you need to contact her. If nothing else, you both need to reach a state of mutual forgiveness. It took two of you to get into this situation, so work it out together. Only then should you decide whether there is love, or not. Because caring about someone in pain IS love.

As to the laziness, etc. It is possible that you have minor depression associated with all of this. Get out of the house and go do something for someone else who cannot possibly repay you (i.e., volunteer work). It'll help. Clear your head, get back on track, and call this woman.

Praying for you both.

[K. Ayato]

I second what's already been said. You don't earn or deserve God's grace. He gives it to us. If you had to work for it or earned for whatever reason, it's no longer grace. Hold tight to the truth that God loves you for who you are, and also firmly grasp that there's nothing you can or should do to earn it. I can understand if you feel you should, but believe me that if you keep thinking you need to do something to gain His love and approval, it's only going to hurt you even more.

I also agree that you should talk to the girl. Even if you two never see each other again, you both need to be able to forgive each other and move on. You're not in the wrong because you care about what she's going through in the aftermath of the abortion. You should care, seeing she carried the unborn child that was both yours and hers.

Whatever happens, know that I'm praying for you. I know it's tough and you feel like all your motivation to get out and do things day to day is gone, but it will get better. Just keep trusting the Lord and talking to Him. Don't worry about praying the same thing over and over. If what you share is weighing on your heart, then that's what really matters, even if it is the same thing day in and day out.

Keep holding on. We're here for you.

[Saj]

Thank you guys :OD

I miscommunicated when i said i didnt want Gods grace for free. I know my grace is bought by the death of Christ. I just don't feel like i deserve it.

I dont know why, but I have a hard time understanding WHY He loves me. i know he does, but when i look at myself, i don't see how he can.

@Kitsune, I'm ashamed of myself. its kind of like the child that did something, and has a hard time facing his parents because of shame. When i do something that i know i shouldn't have, I'm ashamed.

@SP1, Unfortantly, she was never my girlfriend. we were close friends and we got confused, and fell in love. And we're not talking because i made that decision. According to her friend, she is fine. So far, my closest friends have been telling me that it would be a terrible idea to talk to her, so im going to listen, considering the mess i made when i didin't.

@Ayato, I forgive her, and i know she forgave me. As far as i know there isn't anything bad between us.


Again, thank you all of you :ODD

[SP1]

Well, please think long and hard on cutting off communication. I did that once, and I regret it to this day (that's 30 years later).

[Gabriel 9.0]

Sounds like a very tough situation, I'll be praying for you as well.

[Danderson]

I'm praying for you too.

[Doubleshadow]

Praying for you, too.