Help: Domestic Abuse.

[IZ&Trigun4life]

This is the safest place to do this..
There is a man in my life and in my mother's that has been reaking havoc for years. We've had enough. This man is emotionally and verbally abusive to mostly my mother and because I am older now, he's begining to start on me as well. He and my mother have romantic history, and while they were together (a long time ago mind you) he was severely physically abusive.

I can;t even begin to tell you all the problems he's caused by I can start with the most recent. His abuse has gotten worse.

He calls my mother filthy, degrading names, and in front of the neighbors mind you! One day he opened the door, on the way out and told my mother that SHE was mentally ill! When in reality she was defending herself! There is NO peace when the both of them are in the room together, and I DREAD ever having to go anywhere with them both in same car, and so does my mother of course.

He insists on telling my mother what to do, every little thing she does. He is the ultimate control freak.

He has also made disgusting sexual propostions towards my mother, even though they haven't had a romantic relationship for almost 20 years now.

This man DISPISES women and makes degrading and belittling comments about them constantly. I was in the car with him a few weeks ago and the subject of terrorism came up. He said that the terrorist were like women, because they were weak. To him we are at the same level as a terrorist. That comment made me ill, and from that point on I never wanted to speak to him again.

He has also made innapropriate comments about my body/figure. A few times he's made other weird comments that suggested that he saw in a romantic sense. Yes my mother knows and she confronted him about it and THAT has stopped a while ago.

We're trying to figure out how to get rid of this toxic man in our lives. he has a very short temper, and has even come close to punching my mother in face, IN PUBLIC and at home. he woudl take his fist, swing it at her and stop milimeters in front of her face. His way of physcially intimidating her to get his way.

We have no idea what to do. Like I mentioned, he gets angry very easily, and telling him to stay away could cause devastating reprocaustions. He is a violent man, and if we make him angry enough he could hurt us, or even kill us. My mom fears leaving him and myself alone together, for possibility of him carrying out some act of revenge.

Changing the locks wouldn't do much, becuase he knows where we live and he could easily wait outside and demand his entrance.

We have thought of filing for a restraining order but Mom says we don't know how he'll respond to that either.

We're desperate and we need help. We want him OUT!

I already have ill feelings towards men, this may damage me for life...

Please Pray..

Thank You.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions...

[goldenspines]

I'll be praying for you and your mom. *hugs*

[Okami]

Oh Iz...

I'll be praying.

[Alexander]

Sometimes, speaking as an Aspergerian, I'm really thankful I have a black and white view of people.

IZ, I mean this from the bottom of my heart, you need to do something to keep this man away from you at all costs. I would be very scared to be intimidated by someone too. But your safety, and I mean this very seriously, matters much more. If you keep living in fear, then this man could very well do something very, very dangerous.

I would, without hesitation, call for a restraining order. And I pray that God gives you the bravery to face this task.

Feel free to PM or IM me as well. I'm really scared for you both in this situation.

[K. Ayato]

Praying, hon. *Hugs*

Filing a restraining order is a step in the right direction. I'll be praying for the safety of you and your mom.

[AsianBlossom]

A restraining order is a definite, but if you can, try getting the police involved; abuse is abuse, and should NEVER be tolerated. I'm not saying to call 911, but at least get them involved.

I will definitely pray for you and your mother.

[Nikolai Melodie]

As someone whose been there, I will be praying for you...

[Nate]

You people need to learn law.

Restraining orders are only temporary and they only last for ten or fifteen days before they expire. They're easy to get, because you don't have to have much proof, and they don't last long.

But I'm pretty sure Morgan doesn't want this guy only away for ten or fifteen days. I'm pretty sure what you guys are talking about is an injunction, which is a PERMANENT order to cease a certain type of behavior. The problem with that is they are expensive and they are hard to get. They require an entire evidentiary hearing, as though it were a trial. And the rules that mitigate against you getting one are very harsh. You have to meet something like an eight factor test that has all sorts of problems associated with it.

I realize you people are trying to help, but at least get some basic knowledge of law before you spout out suggestions.

To stay on topic and be supportive in this thread, I will say, Morgan, I'm praying for you and your mother, and I hope that God will protect you and give you a way out.

[LadyRushia]

I'll be praying too. Whenever I hear about abuse of any kind I just GAH! It makes me so mad!

Really though, you *need* to get the police involved. I pray that God will deliver you and your mother from this corrupt man. . .

~Rushia

[Momo-P]

Dude, I am totally praying for you IZ. That's downright horrible. >< *hugs*

Though just asking...does your house belong to you? I don't care if it's an apartment or what, if technically it belongs to your mother and not him, why not lock him out? I mean, it's your property, if he starts harassing you after being kicked out, then he would get in definite trouble with the police.

If this is not the case, sorry for bringing it up, just figuring it's not a terrible idea.

Otherwise if you are unable to do this and need to get a peramemt removal, I'd sit down with someone really good with the law. Find out what you'd exactly need to remove him and get it. I mean, you've already said the neighbors and other people in public have seen him act this way, so it's not like it would just be your mom and you alone. Either way hun, something needs to be done. That man has no right treating you this way.

[AsianBlossom]

I'm still praying.

[USSRGirl]

In my prayers. That sounds like a horrible situation, and I pray that God will give you and your mom comfort and reassurance of how much you two are worth to him.

From what I understand on getting a restraining order, this will be MUCH easier for you if you file a sexual harrassment suit in order to get the injunction. If the guy is violating your privacy (I'm assuming you're not letting him into the house or still having friendly contact with him like carpooling right? If so, that needs to stop for your own safety and if you want a restraining order) such as stalking you, calling you derogatory names or making sexual come-on's, or threatening abuse that IS criminal and you NEED to call the police!!! Having on record that you had to call the cops will make the restraining order a breeze and get the jerk out of your life. Getting an injunction is not THAT hard or expensive - low-income single parent households can get them very easily from what I've seen and court appointed attorneys are available. Also, is there a domestic abuse center nearby? You should contact them for help and ways to go about it as they can probably help you a lot better than I can.

That said, getting a restraining order is still a good thing because as Nate so stated most people don't know that it only lasts 10-15 days. Chances are the guy who's bothering you may not know either. It may be enough to spook him and shut off further contact.

Other than that, change your phone number/E-mails to addresses he can't contact you at if the situation is really that serious.

Again, I'll be praying for you and your mom. Be strong and PM me anytime you wanna talk.

-Temulin

[Danderson]

*grinds teeth* It's ppl like him that make me mad...Will definetly be praying....

[IZ&Trigun4life]

As of last night, he claims to have repented for his mistreatment towards us and claims he's going to change. Now of course this doesn't mean were going to fall for any tricks he may be trying to pull. But he wont be comming around for awhile and he says he's willing to prove himself. Frankly I'm not getting my hopes up...


Heres the situation for you guys if you dont understand.
Andy (the guy who's been abusive to us) doesn't live with us. He just has the keys to the house. My mother gave them to him and he's always had them. We've known this man for a very long time and like I said he's a friend of my mom's. (well..barely now) Our situation with him is difficult. It's complicated, and though yes we are considering the police as an option, Mom says that she doesn't want to get them involved just yet.

My mom talked to him last night, and today on the phone and he's agreed to stay away from us for quite sometime. I have no idea whats going to happen next, he has said he was going to change before, but...well..he didn't obviously. Personally i dont believe him and I'd be happier never speaking to him again. But Mom is willing to let him prove himself.

Keep us in our prayers, because I don't know whats going to happen now. As far as I know we're still going to get our locks changed and we're investing in getting a security system so he can no longer come into our home uninvited. Other than that...the rest we just have to wait for.

[K. Ayato]

It's a start, hon. I'm glad you and your mom are taking steps towards protecting yourselves.

I don't blame you for being suspicious either. Kudos to your mom for wanting this guy to stay true to his word.

Still praying. *Hugs*

[LadyRushia]

Still praying. At least the situation is improving ^_^

~Rushia

[Nikolai Melodie]

K is right, hun... it's a start. I'll still be praying. =] I got caught up in some homework and forgot to PM you yesterday, so if I forget agan and you read this then please feel free to just PM me...

XD;; I shouldn't forget though, so don't worry. I'm going to try to send it later.

[Jman]

I'll deffinitly be praying, Trigun.

[USSRGirl]

Third kudos on the lock changing. One thing you and your mom should remember - regardless of any past relationship with this guy you are under no obligation to him. The ball is in his court now to show proof of a visible change.

Hope all goes well. Still praying.

[creed4]

I'll be praying...

[termyt]

You need to get the authorities involved. In order for the police to help you, you need a history of complaint to show that this guy is a menace who can not take the hint to leave you alone. (I’m assuming this guy is not currently married to your mother and he does not have permanent residence in your home).

The simple fact is, the police will do little to help you in the beginning besides filing reports. In order for them to actually intervene, you must either have a long history of problems or he has to break the law. So far, it sounds like he has not done that, so building a history with the authorities is a must.

Here’s what you do:
1. Change the locks. If he has a key that he obtained from a resident of the house, he can argue that he has implied permission to be in your house.

2. If he shows up, ask him to leave. If he does not leave immediately, he is a trespasser and you can call the police to file a complaint and have him removed. You do not need to ask him twice. Repeated offenses that result in repeated police calls will result in the help you are looking for.

3. Get a restraining order. Permanent or not, restraining orders are useful tools and develop a history of your problems with the person. Restraining orders can be used to force someone to move out of your house and they can set up a halo around you so the person can not approach you. Also, if the man is in your house and you call the police, they will remove him. If the man is in your house in violation of a restraining order, the police will arrest him. Restraining orders are not permanent, but their duration can be extended almost indefinitely so long as there is evidence that the person is still a threat to you. Restraining orders are the right way to go. No further law study required. Injunctions would require clear evidence that the person is and will likely always be a persistent threat. The first step in proving that is by having a restraining order.

Don't think about it. Do it. Whether you confront him or not, things will get violent eventually and you need to move to improve your standard of living immediately. Living in fear while hoping it won't get violent is no way to live. The system is not perfect, but use it anyways.

[Kiku]

call the police or burn him. any way works X)

[IZ&Trigun4life]

You all will be pleased to know, that he has been told not to ever darken our doorstep ever again.

He and my mom talked...well, yelled on the phone about some of the things he did and about that Comment he made about comparing terrorists to women.

At first, he denied even saying it and implied that I was lying, a total trade mark move for him of course. Then he called back later and said he remembered what He did say it and then proceeded to make all kinds of stupid excuses for it. Like "you know how men talk" and all that bull crap.

That comment he made hurt me deeply, and basically he acted like a jerk and didn't apologize for it.

I was very hurt and in tears for awhile of the weekend because of him...but we aren't speaking to him ever. He's been told to stay away. We're pretty sure he's got the idea not to come around, but if he DOES, then the police will be notified.

Please continue praying for my situation. I love you all for caring so much.

Morgan

[KeybladeWarrior]

Hmmm..a very situation indeed. I will be praying.

[silver_wolf454]

I'll pray for you.