Falling Apart.

[creed4]

Well, I'm off for a bit, gonna go for a walk/run or something, I need fresh air desperately. Get back into nature...

EDIT: Holy cow, I didn't even notice the time. Mom won't let me go out because it's already dark, and not five minutes after my asking did it start to rain...sooo....yeah.
Not soon after that did I get Todd Agnew's Grace Like Rain stuck in my head.

Good song to have in your head, I'm glad your feeling better, I will keep praying

[Okami]

Yeah, so I woke up this morning half an hour before my alarm and was immediately put into amazement. For those that don't know, usually if I don't get woken by my alarm or too early, yet too late to really go back to sleep; I become EXTREMELY grumpy right off that bat.
But today was different. I just sat up, looked out at the faint light coming through the window (which in and of itself was strange, no lights behind the house where my room is at, and I had my window shade down, per usual) and I was calm, just thinking "Thank God for a new day...a chance to start again without the shame and pain of yesterday, because yesterday is history."

Today will be a good day. I'll make it one.

[Kiku]

thats the spirit, okami! ^^

remember, if you need anything, contact us, alright? we will always be there for you... no matter what ^^

[Okami]

Absolutely. And as we said yesterday, prayer group today before school (heck, in about an hour from now!) I'm just sitting here...getting things ready for the day....I need music or something =/

[skylender]

Glad you're feeling better okami

[CrimsonRyu17]

Glad to see you're doing better, 'Kami. I'll still keep you in my prayers.

[AsianBlossom]

I'll still pray.

And sure, Danderson, anyone who wants to join the hug can!

[Kiku]

yay! im glad that you dont feel so down anymore X)

[Okami]

Praying with my friends this morning was the best thing God has done in a while. As uhh....stange as it was, standing in the middle of the hallway, hand in hand, heads bowed and talking to the Lord with all of the distractions. It was good.

And...I opened up, God-willing, and told them, or rather, showed them, what I'm so ashamed of. I still don't feel up to giving the details here, maybe someday, just not now.

It's a slow heal. Definately. I woke up this morning with a song stuck in my head---I don't think I'd ever even heard this song before, just...the lyrics got in my head and I searched it and found the song. God is Watching over You - Phil Joel.
That song is beautiful...
He sees you down by the water line
Know what you're thinking all the time
He sees the rising of the waves
When the tide starts rolling in
He lets you know it's gonna be o.k.

He sees you dancing in the moonlight
His arms around you hold ya tight
And if those clouds should start to break
He'll be standing out in the rain with you
And though it's hard to believe,
He believes in you

God is watching over you
As always
You are loved
Whatever you go through
He's right beside you
God is watching over you
As always
And if you think He'll ever leave you
You better think again

Painted in the sky a rainbow to remind you
Nothing that is broken
Cannot be made new
He knows when ya feel so far away
He's gonna keep the night light on
He's waiting there to receive you

You are loved
Wherever you go

Through fire, through wind and through rain
Yesterday, today and tomorrow the same
Nothing here can take this love
Nothing you could do will break this love
Climb a tree, gonna reach so high
Swing low sweet chariot
It's time to fly
He sees you down by the water line

God works in some pretty awesome ways, no?

[AsianBlossom]

Most certainly.

And you know, you can witness to some people by just praying in public like that.

[12praiseGOD]

hey Okami, I know I dont know you, but whatever you are going through is never too big for GOD to handle. I know at times we can gather ourselves up in such a cradle that we feel there is no escape, but really there is GOD is right there holding out HIS hand, he loves you and cares about you, and doesn't want you to jurt, but you have to realize this is a trial in your life, and as the story of the mountain, You will be able to move the mountain(problem) only if you call out to GOD. I feel your sorrow and I feel your pain, I know it seems that GOD has left you to rot, but that isn't true, remember every child of GOD is a treasure to HIM, all we have to do is remember that you and I are one of those precious jems.
Do not be scared, remeber this is a trial, you need to take time off, relax a little, go to your friends, especially the Christian ones, or anyone else you feel very close to and pour out your feelings, cry till you can cry no more, stress is painfull, and I believe that the right way of letting it out is by crying, and praying with the fire of GOD in your heart and the will of change within your soul. At times when you pray just hush and listen with all your heart and expect to hear something and you will most definately will. Remember when you accepted Christ, HE sent the holy spirit down to you and an angel to guard you. That angle is always there but at times we let our worries get like a wall infront of the angle, so that you do not permit HIM to break through it, but even though the angle doesn't GOD does, but you have to ask. I know that you probably have asked and felt that you have received nothing, but really GOD did hear you and HE works in mystical way that we dont understand. Remember trials are sent so that we can see our spiritual stability, and grow in faith. GOD BE WITH YOU AND MAY YOU ALLWAYS FEEL HISS PRESENSE.

[Okami]

Thank you...
If there's one thing in that post that caught me majorly off my guard, it'd have to be the angels....I forgot that the demons, too, had an opposing force....
*wipes her tearstained face again*
You guys are amazing.

[Kamille]

See, this is why I need to stop working so much overtime. I read this thread for the first time today, and at first I wanted to cry, but then a huge weight was lifted from me when I read further. I am so happy that you're staying vigilant with God (even though I still feel like crying). Maybe because I prayed for you at the start of this thread and it appears that my prayers, and the prayers of others, have been answered.

But it may also be because of my past. As a person who has tried to kill himself three times about five years ago, it hurt me so much to hear the same pain I felt in another human being. And it still hurts. Please, never ever let go of God's hand, and I'm glad you didn't this time. But take it from me, if you should ever walk down that dark path again the shame of almost doing something that could destroy many lives will always be in your memory. Of course, Jesus will take that shame away from you, but I still remember it. Sometimes I even feel like it holds me back, but then I remember that God takes us through problems, not around them. If he sent His son through the wilderness, He'll most definitely put us through one. In closing, I guess I just want you to go back to your old, happy-like avatar (if this is the same person I'm thinking about - I apologize if you've always had this avatar).

[Okami]

Well, I'm currently creating new avatars for every mood, this one just happened to be first one finished---and fitting with the situation. All of the others are no where near to completion =/

[Okami]

This song really fits right now...
Thank you, TFK.

Hold up, oh no, who let them in the door, it's a
like a freak show, shake it like a photo, hate, is
only when you say not what you mean, and pain, is
whats inside of me, not when you're bleeding, I,
will fall, I'll fall and take your breathe away,
we could change it all and take your breathe away

this anger changes me, it effects the way I see,
effects every part of me, and makes you my enemy,
but when it falls apart, its like a brand new
start, and I can't remember why I ripped everything
apart

I'm still my worst enemy, the world around me all
can see what they want to see, I need some help,
because im still my worst enemy, no matter where I
am, I'll still get the best of me, I'm my own enemy

shake the world inside of me, until it cant be
shaken, wake, the words inside of me, before it's
all too late, I will fall, and take your breathe away,
we will change it all and take your breathe away

this anger changes me, it effects the way I see,
effects every part of me, and makes you my enemy,
but when it falls apart, its like a brand new
start, and I can't remember why I ripped everything apart

I'm still my worst enemy, the world around me all
can see what they want to see, I need some help,
because im still my worst enemy, no matter where I am,
I'll still get the best of me, I'm my own enemy

my own enemy... my own enemy

[SP1]

Well, I'm currently creating new avatars for every mood, this one just happened to be first one finished---and fitting with the situation. All of the others are no where near to completion =/

OH o.o// Me too. I liked the old avatar best.

[Kamille]

Hmm, yeah - I used to feel that way (the mood of that last song) most of the time. Well, basically all the time. But after a while I realized that I can only face my enemies (ALL of them) and defeat them through Jesus. This is especially true when the enemy is hard to get at through normal means, namely because it's in us. I would suggest you face your worst enemy through Christ. I do on a daily basis.

In a way, it is like what Paul said in Galatians 2:20. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."

I pray I get to this point someday very soon (actually I pray all of us do). And when that day comes I will no longer listen to my enemy, but I will listen only to our mutual best friend, lord, and savior.

God bless you always.

[12praiseGOD]

I am so glad to hear about your well doing, if you ever feel depressed or stressed in some way post something I will try my best with GOD's help of course to help you out.
Here are some beautifull powerpoints you might want to check out.

first go to Gospelgreeting.com
then press on Inspirational, and finally on one of the Father's Love letter e-cards.
#I recomend the narrated one

Also for all of you that at some time have or are feeling suicidal go to Gospelgreeting.com, then click on Gospel
and then click on "hold on"
It is great, remeber to put the earphones on.

[Alexander]

Goodness, this thread and situation made me cry too.

Okami, I don't know how much I can help or what I can do for you exactly. But I promise I'll keep praying.

If only I could be with you as a human being and not a name that communicates through text.

[ChristianKitsune]

Okay...so I was only able to read the first page (i'll read the rest of it later ^^) before I had to go to class...but I am sooo very glad to see that you are doing better, Okami!

You know what amazes me? The amount of love your friends in RL and CAA have for you. Seriously. I know that this love comes from God.

Okami, God really cares about you, and he doesn't want you to ever feel that way again...

HAve you ever seen the movie "Facing the Giants?" It's a really great Christian Movie about a man who is facing all sorts of pitfalls in his life. Yet the theme is "In all things, PRAISE GOD. Praise him when things are bad, and when things are going good" Its easy to praise Him when things are going great...but when we praise him in the bad times, then it makes the darkness seem more lighter.

If this has been posted already I apologize

Jeremiah 29:11 read that verse...it's really great. It's a promise from God that you DO have a future...and that he won't leave you or forsake you.

Also, always remember that with Jesus on your side, you can't lose!

I'll edit this post later.. I gotta get to class

Love ya 'Kami-chan! ^_^

Your sis in Christ
Kitchan

[Okami]

Well, I figured out today that my feelings of despair last night were not of actual emotion, but of warning of sickness. I woke up this morning with a low-grade fever (Yes, again, it seems I get these things from stress) of 99.3 and so I went back to bed instead of going to school and slept in until noon....which wasn't that long ago.
I'm feeling a little bit better now....ever since He led me to Revelation 21:4 last night....

[creed4]

I' glad your feeling better, I will keep praying

[Okami]

From now on the battle will be one of finding myself and who I am in the Lord...

He's got this undercontrol, even when it's over my head....

[Kiku]

im glad that your life is going uphill again X) down is bad

that's where you break your neck XD

[CatR41103]

holy what all did i miss?

sorry i haven't been on. i've been working like crazy and have no social life, yet alone trying to get enough sleep to work. life is crazy when you start working especially at a job where you rarely get weekends off.

well, seeing from the mess everything is all cleaned up now, which is good. last time i talked to you kady, i know you were in horrible condition but i'm glad you're getting better.

i feel bad though not being there for you. though, it's out of my hands when it comes to my free time on the computer since it is very limited.

i know i'm not very religious and such but you know i went through the same pressure when dan and i took broke up. it's not the same situation but the pain is there and it hurts a lot.

i really don't know what to say since this situation has calmed down now. i know when you're depressed, you feel like dying and it's hard living through the depression, but on the other end of the rainbow, all of it is gone. it's like climbing a huge mountain. you never think you get there but after a while of hoping and keeping strong, you reach it. i don't know if that made any since...you said to me you were weak. you're wrong. you made it through the storm kady, you're strong. we've all had our rough times but we all made through it, right? that means we are all strong. it may not seems like it but if we can fight our depression and go back being happy and normal, we are strong. if we fought against ourselves for the better cause and win in the end, we are strong.

you are strong kady, you are strong okami. yes you do need help from friends and from God but you are still strong. God is there to make you stronger, friends are there to help you become stronger, to make you see what you aren't seeing. we are all here to help. even i'm here even though i'm not religious. i'm here because you are my best friend and i got to help you. not for any one else, but for you, kiku and kitsune. my 3 online best friends.

well, that's all i can really say for now. i'm really glad you're feeling better. i wish i could have been here, but i wasn't but i'll always be here if you need me and even if i'm not here, i'm in your heart.

i know i'm never on here because of work, and that i can't help, but if you (this goes for you too kiku and kitsune) need any help, any, just email me. seriously. i rarely check this place but i always check my email. I have a new email, if any of you 3 need me, just email me at: onisfangirl@hotmail.com.

sent me an email or a message k? later you silly punks.

[Okami]

Another morning, another day...and just grateful to be alive...

Some of you now know about it, but I'm still not about to make it officially public...

I've got 3 tests today, Science, Lit, and French...please be praying for them...I'm almost afraid I haven't studied enough, and this is after so much stress that I was out sick yesterday =/

But as I told my accountability partner the other night....
"I'm not going to let Satan overrule me like that. I aint his slave girl"

[Blitzkrieg1701]

Dang, this is one emotional rollercoaster of a thread to read through. I'll be keeping you in my prayers, too.

[Okami]

Today was fairly neutral with it's many tests and thnigs to worry about. I took time out in the middle of a test to get out of class and go pray--amazing how calming that is.

And today I realised just how selfish I can be...and how that's the nature three years dead in me arising to overthrow.

I don't want that...

I don't.

Just a while longer and it will be but a scar of old and a hurt of the past, so I pray.
Never to haunt again...

I just....don't want to give up....

I'm gonna go all out against these giants.

[Kiku]

you go girl! X)

[12praiseGOD]

[SIZE="4"][color="Red"]well all I can tell is that there are many of us that

are in these preasure sittuations such as you.. for example on monday I have

2 quizzes, one Test. Then the next day I have another test.[/color][/SIZE]

[color="Magenta"]It drives me a little out of wack, but I remember that it

is all in a blink of an eye. When it is past, I will laugh, and look back and say

why did I think that.

so anyways[/color]. [color="DeepSkyBlue"]Remember that whenever you

feel pressure remember that GOD is there, He loves you and isn't going to

leave you. HE is going to keep fighting for you to stay in the right path till

you die[/color].

[color="DarkRed"][color="Magenta"][color="DarkOrange"]Remember that

when you feel suicidal it is really just satan trying to put things in your brain

to take you down[/color][/color][/color]. [color="Magenta"]Remember

that once you are saved, he is doenst like it, but you know what else, the

Almighty, Allpowerful, Loving, and Creator of the Universe, has you tight in

His hands and is not going to let go. [/color][color="YellowGreen"]The

only way satan could do such a thing is by putting things in your mind that

will make you want to take your life away. Satan can't read your mind, only

GOD can, that is why GOD is the only one who truely knows us and still cares

and loves each and everyone of us. HE LOVES YOU! doesn't that sound great.

[/color] [color="DeepSkyBlue"]so dont worry, be peaceful, and you are so

lucky you know, you acually are allowed out of the class during a test or any

time of the day. I can only escape if I am about to have an accident to say

the least. lol. Cheer up, life is not that bad, you just need to put on the

glases with the magnification of GOD, and things will seem to go a lot better

[/color]. [color="DarkOrchid"]GOD bless you Okami!!!! I may not know

you, but I can see what you've been through nad it makes me feel as though

I do. Hold strong, keep happy, and if you need any help just post something.

Oh, and when you go against the giants, always carry the full armor of GOD

huggles!!!:[/color]hug: