Postby TriezGamer » Mon Oct 01, 2007 6:07 pm
I initially came here out of curiousity, and probably partially because deep down inside, I'm screaming for help.
I'm struggling with M/P/H ... and I have struggled with other related things that I don't even want to assign letters to. (Praise God)
I am still occasionally struggling with some of those things, but the worst are gone.
My story bears a lot of similarities to the other stories here. I'm sharing it, because I need help. Because I need something. Anything. And maybe someone else can take something away from it to help them. This is going to be long. Apologies in advance.
Things for me started when I was about 11 years old -- I'm not certain on the age exactly, but my parents had just gone through a divorce. One night, when I was visiting my father, he was watching P late at night and my chronic insomnia lead me to wonder what the noise was in the living room. My dad, of course, decided this would be a good time to explain sex to me.
Up until that point in my life, I hadn't really heard much about sex. And I'm one of those people that is blessed (cursed?) with a nearly infinite curiosity. Once something piques my interest, I'll gobble it up.
Dad to the 'rescue' again -- I could ask him anything. I asked him questions, and he never lied, always giving me the answers straight. It wasn't long before my curiosity lead to the start of years of habitual M. It started slowly enough, but it grew. I didn't really think anything of it at the time.
By the time I hit 8th grade, I had a full-blown P (and soon after, H) addiction. It didn't help that I had just moved, and didn't have any friends, or anything else to do. By this point M was practically a 3-times-per-day ritual for me, and there weren't any signs of stopping. And I didn't see anything wrong with it. But in 8th grade, I started dating for the first time with a solid understanding of what sex was. As fate (or perhaps the devil) would have it, my girlfriend was very obviously interested in it.
Perhaps it was the complete lack of privacy at my mother's home and her refusal to have me ever come to her home (I later learned her father was abusive and forbid her to date), nothing ever happened between us. But the fantasies? Those were as real to me as anything. Not long after, my P addiction began to no longer satisfy me, and I would look for something -- anything to achieve a sexual buzz. After I broke up with that girlfriend, I even experimented a little with guys -- which proved very quickly to be uninteresting to me.
I was on a rapidly darkening spiral into the absolute worst depths of lust, and I didn't even think it was a problem.
Going into 9th grade, my mother had re-married and we had moved, again, 150 miles away. All of my friendships, gone. Again.
It was one weekend during the 9th grade, when I was visiting my father, that one of the most unexplainable things in the world happened to me. A girl showed up at his door. Today, I wonder if this girl wasn't a tool of the devil himself, because it's the only way I can make sense of it. She knew a LOT about me, and I didn't even know who she was. But she said she had always liked me.
Where did this girl come from? How did she know me, and about me? How would she know to find me on a specific day, at a specific house, so far from my home?
I don't have answers to those questions. Never have, never will. At the time, of course, I was more baffled and confused than anything, but I sat down and started talking with this girl. I had no friends, generally was a depressed shut-in, and suddenly here was a 'friend' who was both interesting, and female.
I visited my father every other weekend, and every time, she would show up. Within 2 months, we had started kissing. She was obsessed initially with teaching me the 'perfect french kiss', and things rapidly went downhill from there.
It was about at this point that I began to question, seriously, my addiction to P, H and M. It wasn't nearly as fulfilling as even basic flirting with a real girl. And my desire for P and H started fading as my real life goofing off became more common, but it only served to reinforce my personal fantasies, and M eventually took a strangehold on me.
She had basically controlled the relationship from the start, with me basically tagging along. One day, she made me an offer. I'm not going to go into detail as to the offer, but something different happened: I refused. I had a good reason for it, something rather personal that isn't really relevant -- except that I think God was protecting me. I know that it wasn't even a moral issue for me at the time, but I'm thankful I refused.
I never saw her in person again, though our phone conversations would continue for several months. She eventually called me one day in a complete panic saying she had been abandoned in California, and wanted me to steal a car and come save her. That was the last time we talked.
In 10th grade, I had a brief fiasco with a girl (we're talking 2-hours-brief) after I had been turned down asking someone for a date and she had just been dumped. Our mutual pity-party eventually took an intimate turn -- and my brother walked in on us.
For just that exact moment, I was more vulnerable than ever before. And God grabbed hold of me. I immediately felt an overwhelming sense of guilt over the ordeal. I talked with a trusted Christian friend about it. I begged God for forgiveness. And, for a while, I managed to stay away from the P, M, and H.
I don't remember how long I stayed away from it. But it came back. And it came back with a vengeance. This began the worst bout I have ever had with P in my entire life, before or since. 'Normal' P wouldn't cut it for me any more. I got into the depths of things that are simply unmentionable.
I'm honestly not certain what triggered my ascent from that depth, if there was a specific event. I don't honestly remember at all, except that I realized, somehow, that the women in P were nothing but victims. All I remember concretely, is that I ended up swearing off P entirely in 12th grade and, quite literally, told myself that H was enough -- at least with H, I didn't have the guilt of knowing I was supporting an industry that actively degraded women.
Of course, H wasn't a whole lot better, but I am thankful that, aside from occasional backslides (a few times including the aforementioned-unmentionable stuff), I have managed to keep mostly firm to that over the last 7 years.
That's my 'history'. And unfortunately, it hasn't progressed significantly beyond that.
I recently (as in, less than 2 months ago) got out of a relationship that was basically the same as K. Ayato's -- only I was in Aaron's position, and things didn't stop quite so quickly. Despite the things I have gone through and struggled with, I am still a virgin. Many times, I have come incredibly close to that no longer being the case. I thank
God for that.
My habitual M has waned considerably, under the circumstances, but it's still something I struggle with 3-5x a week. Thanks to college roommates, my H addiction has dwindled out of neccessity rather than choice.
But a few nights ago, I realized something. I cannot -- absolutely cannot -- hold an extended conversation with women that I like anymore without my thoughts wandering to sexual things. I have no idea just how long I've been this way, but I'm certain it's been a long time and I simply haven't noticed. I genuinely am a social shut-in.
I don't want a repeat of my last relationship. But there is someone I want to date. She's not ready for a relationship. And as you can see, neither am I. And maybe it won't ever happen, but I want to be a better man when and if it happens. We've had discussion about this topic before -- because she struggles with it too. I don't know exactly how it came about for her, but that's not my story. I just know that both of us want to be done with these passions that have enslaved us.
I've spend 2 1/2 hours reading the thread, and writing this, and missed out on dinner, and I'm tearing up and generally a mess right now. This thread has been a blessing to me, despite the pain.
Lord, I and so many others ... we've tried to do it on our own for so long now. We need help. Lord, have mercy on us. Please, save us from our own sinful natures. With your help, we can conquer this. Give us the desire to conquer it, Lord. By the saving blood of your only Son Jesus, Amen.
Embraced by a gentle breeze, my heart breaks as I think of you.
All alone at the top of the hill, I watch as the seasons go by.
--
Wishing for courage softly, I pray.
There's no going back now, to those tender days when you held me in your arms.
MOES "I can has Sane Sig now?"
.
but whoever they are, I'm sure God made them special enough to wait for.
You're all amazing~
