Aegis Emblem

[LadyRushia]

James Joyce's writing is all about stream of conciousness and thought process. And because I compared you to one of modern literature's greatest writers, you should be happy(yes, I'm *telling* you what emotions to have, XD).

It'd be awesome if you made me wrong about Alandar in a totally epic
pw3nful way.

By the way, if you ever publish this, I'll go buy it. In the meantime, have a pie and keep working when you can.

[)o

~Rushia

[~darkelfgirl~]

Aww, Thanks LadyRushia!

And for telling me how I should react--

*darkelf whips out souba* Nah, I'll spare you--this time XD

A pie? Looks like a muffin to me, hehe. *eats it whole*

I'm going to post some more in a few minutes!

[~darkelfgirl~]

Here's more. I have to divide this into sections....Weird, this time the indents show.

The large moon, like a giant gleaming stone in the star-studded sky, spilled milky light over the ramparts of the fortress wall.
Watching it rise in the vanishing sunset, I lay in a crook of the ramparts. My body ached from the day’s tiresome events.
If the Specter doesn’t kill me, training will, I chuckled to myself.
I sighed and deeply inhaled the pine-scented breeze.
I had spent the entire day neck-at-neck with relentless Blanc while Hawthorne gave me advice and taught me techniques. Many times, Aukiriva was knocked out of my hand, I was thrown back onto the ground or under the taunting edge of Nadith.
I swear I’ll get him back. I’ll wipe that condescending smirk off his face.
Picturing a look of shock and sheepishness on Blanc’s face, I laughed.
I reached under the neck of my tunic and pulled out a necklace with polished wooden beads of various shades of brown. My mother’s. Nostalgia rose in my throat.
I miss them. I just wish today was like the old days.
[size=100][font=Times New Roman][color=seagreen] “Arden.â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

Her eyes were fixed upon my necklace. She looked eager to ask, but held back her question.
[size=100][font=Times New Roman][color=seagreen] “It belonged to my mother,â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

Next section:

[color=seagreen]White all around me. [/color]
Beside me, Hawthorne and Blanc.
In front of us, a glowing silver and white falcon descended; it changed into a tall man with flowing, white hair and white eyes.
The Lord Aegis.
[size=100][font=Times New Roman][color=seagreen] “Darkness is rising as we speak. Forces of the Specter grow stronger and more cunning. Beware of his Shadow. They are the most cunning—the most treacherous.â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

Here's a next section. You know, I maybe I should have divided this story into chapters--but I wasn't thinking. I'll do that when I do the final editing, I guess. Enjoy ^^ P.S. I think this is my favorite section so far.

I soared and glided high above the courtyard. With my excellent falcon vision, I could see Hawthorne craning his head, watching me, while Blanc sat, bored, at the base of a statue.
Each time I practiced flying, my wings became stronger and I became accustomed to gliding with or against the changing winds.
Testing my limits, I spun and dove at break-neck speeds.
[size=100][font=Times New Roman][color=seagreen][I] “Don’t hurt yourself,â€

[~darkelfgirl~]

What was THAT?
[size=100][font=Times New Roman][color=seagreen][I] “Arden!â€

[LadyRushia]

Ugh, I wrote out this *awesomely* detailed critique, but then the internet decided to die!

Let's see what I can remember. . .

That "dress of Night" thing is awkward and unecessary since you already described the night.

"The large moon, a gleaming stone in the star-studden sky, cast a milky glow over the ramparts of the fortress wall." This sounds better, in my opinion, than what you had before.

Most of my other corrections had to do with diction. "Premonition" has a connotation with the mind, and "Nostalgia rose in my throat" sounds strange. "Towards" is British English, "toward" is American. Semi-colons are your friends, and you don't need to say that Blanc telepathically communicated since you've implied that italics means telepathic communication.

Whew, that was a mouthful-er, fingerful?

[color="red"]I like cake; cookies are good, too.[/color] <---note the semi-colon
[color="Red"]Two complete thoughts can be connected by a semi-colon; the conjunction can be replaced.[/color]
[color="red"]You can use a semi-colon without a conjunction and you've followed the rule; but you can also put one in there after the semi-colon.[/color]

^_^ I do this because I like your story a lot. You have a knack for storytelling and a good handle on words aka: potential, so your work deserves some attention.

Oh, but all this makes me sound like I think I'm the best writer in the world. Nur. I don't think this, not at all.

Okay, so these two random guys just show up and then leave? COWARDS! XD

Have another pie; and yes, it's a pie, a pie with a cherry on top.

[)o

~Rushia

[USSRGirl]

:: Steals Darkelf's pie and gives it to Kadaj ::

Bwahahaha! Sorry. I just couldn't resist.

Oooh love the updates! Especially the scene with the two black falcons - really had me caught up in the moment there when he first sees them coming. I like how the Specter and his lackies are similar to the Aegis in their abilities yet complete opposites. Also... hm... I'm going to become an ArdenxTayli shipper now. XD That was such a cute scene and I really loved the description in it. So vivid, like painting a picture.

Some typos I caught:

"I woke up in bed, startLed and confused."

"A black streak zoomed past me, its wake knocking me over." This one just sounded awkward for some reason. I think maybe "knocking me over in its wake" would be a bit smoother.

Look forward to reading more!

[~darkelfgirl~]

Thanks Tem and Rushia--your comments are very appreciated by me!

Oh---I so don't mind the critiques!! I really need help with literary elements. I need all the help I can get, so don't be hesitant ^^!

Rushia: I don't think you think you're so high and mighty, hehe. You're just helping me out is all.

*shrugs* Hey, maybe those guys are shy or something? Hehe, I don't mind.

Kadaj soo doesn't need anymore sugar! He's already a hyper....DRAMA QUEEN!!!! Oh yeh, he owes me a pie now! Right Lozzikins? He's so handsome! Why do I have a feeling there's a multitude of Kadaj fangirls waiting outside to torture me? *peeks out window*

Yeh, sometimes I get so caught up in the scene that I write the most strangest things XD.

Thanks Tems. Your descriptivity inspires me ^^.

What's a shipper?

Oh--you'll find out about the nature of the black falcons/twins later. I'm writing it at the moment, hehe.

Glad you guys are enjoying it, hehe.

[USSRGirl]

Naaah, those fangirls were most certainly not paid by me to tear your living guts out if you don't admit that Kadaj is cuter than Loz. Errr... pretend you didn't read that!

Me is descriptivity? XD Awesomeness! And thanks, but I love your own style. It's very character-driven and stands out from other fantasy stories I've read.

A shipper (this took me awhile to figure out too what in the world people meant by 'shipper'. Shipping company? O.o;;) is a fan who supports a certain pairing like ArdenxTayli (Arden luvs Tayli) would be an ArdenxTayli shipper. From what I've seen, rival shippers can get kinda... scary... o.o;; Like TifaxCloud shippers tend to wage all-out war on AerisxCloud shippers. Thus a ten second explanation of a scary shippers! *bows*

[~darkelfgirl~]

Teehee, I threw a Kadaj dolly outside and they all ran after it. Whew, that was close!

Thanks Tem! I really like yours too. Very unique storyline and sudden plot changes *cough Asirus*. I think I'll draw a pic of him, too.

Oh, I get it! I was wondering if that's what you meant. That soap operatic part of the story will develop more--whether for the good, whether for the bad, hehe.
That TifaxCloud vs. AerisxCloud thing scares me. Don't wanna be in the midst of that kind of war XD. I think I'll just stick to the silver haired trio aspect of AC. That's safer.....My parents are getting worried of the AC Phase I'm going through XD. Look what you did, Nomura!

[LadyRushia]

A shipper is someone who supports a certain couple. This is a fanfiction term, so if you've never been on fanfiction.net then you've probably never heard of it.

Thanks Tem and Rushia--your comments are very appreciated by me!

LE PASSIVE VOICE! THOU MUST NEVER USETH LE PASSIVE VOICE! "Thanks Tem and Rushia--I really appreciate your comments!"

**gasp** You call yourself an AP Lit student and you don't know about literary devices? Shame on you! XD

If you really want me to, I could give you the low-down on rhetorical devices and figurative language. You should at least know simile, metaphor, theme, and tone. Those are like, the basic of the basics.

Mary-Sue: A Mary-Sue is a character who's perfect in every way and is just the best thing ever. She always overcomes every challenge with almost no difficulty. The male counterpart is called Gary-Stu.

Alliteration: a rhetorical device that involves a series of words that begin with the same letter. Ex: Susie sells seashells by the sea shore.

^^^Two more big ones^^^

The fact that you're willing and asking for critiques shows that you'll be a good writer--one who's always ready to improve no matter how much you get published or how famous you become.

And Temmy, it's not nice to steal other people's pies and give them to a white-haired bishi who keeps his mommy's head in a box.

[~darkelfgirl~]

Hmm...fanfiction.net?

Thou accuseth me of speaking le passive voice? Tis' passive? *checks* Wouldn't that be-est (sp) "I really appreciated your comments?"

I know literary devices like those! I don't know those weird words like metanonym or however it's spelled. There's a bunch of others that I can't remember. I just write for the sake of writing XD

Thanks ^^.

Don't worry--Temmy's precious Kadajkins will pay! Wait--well, I'm not sure you're insulting Loz by saying that, so I'll spare you.

The campaign lives on!
*cheerleader cheer*
Loz is kawaii! Better than that Kadaj guy-e-e! He's so cute, he makes Temmy mute! He's so awesome, I married him-em. (Man, I need to work on a better cheer).

[USSRGirl]

O_____________O

*Walks out scared and disturbed by Darkelf's cheer and Rushia's diction wielding powers*

[~darkelfgirl~]

Hehe.

I outlined the rest of the story today in Trig class (well almost to the end). There'll be new characters--good and evil. Some won't be what they seem to be. There'll be plot twists--let's just say the Aegi have a long story ahead of them (yes Temmy, this story may not end so soon, hehe). I think I'll update tomorrow--it may be short, though. It depends on how the day goes ^__^

[LadyRushia]

Ehh, well, it's not like you put "Arden was pw3ned by Blanc" in your actual serious writing. If you put something like that in there, then you'd be eaten by editors and hardcore grammar/literary people. "Blanc pw3ned Arden" is correct and the Grammar Editing Literary People(GELP) would adorn your abode with lavish pies and colorful cakes that sparkle in the sun.

Or they would publish you, XD.

Yeah, the thing with all this people who write criticism(not the improvement kind, the analytic kind) is they point out *all* of this stuff and they're like "The author used this to represent this and it all ties into the overall theme of this!" Now, some authors(like Joyce) actually take the time to put all this stuff in there and make it extremely rich, but most of the time authors are like "Wow, I just put that in there because I felt like it" or "Oh, I never thought of it like that." I think that's the thing with writers. . .well, I think all writers are just born with a natural sense for all this stuff, and the professional ones don't really have to think about it.

Thou must knowest two more devices of rhetoric:

Polysyndeton:when you've got a whole bunch of conjunctions together. ex: Chairs and couches and tables and portraits Writers use this technique to make things seem really really big.

Asyndeton:when you've got no conjunctions. ex: chairs, couches, tables, portraits Makes it all seem small, right?

The thing with the more difficult and lesser known rhetorical devices is that once you learn them they start to show up in your writing. You will achieve epic win if you do this.

Oh yeah, one thing that I haven't seen too much of yet in your writing is symbolism, the kind where the author takes an ordinary object and makes it really really important. For example, in Naruto(don't know if you watch this series) the head band that the ninja wear are pretty significant. To Naruto, gaining it means that he's one step closer toward his goal; wearing it shows his pride for his village and his equal status to everyone else as a shinobi. Without giving away too much, Naruto has a big fight with someone who just abandons the village. Toward the end of this fight, the other person's head band is scratched, creating a big line running across it. When the fight is over, the other person walks away, leaving the scratched headband behind. Here, the object(the head band) is used to represent/emphasize the broken relationship between Naruto and this other person. And that's one of the reasons why that is one of the most important events in the entire series.

I can see you doing this already with Arden's necklace(though it may not portray the same thing as the example). When you make an odinary object(head band, necklace, sock, whatever) an important part of your story, it adds much more depth.

There's my 3.14 cents; you probably know all of that anyway and, since you've got the whole thing pretty much plotted out, you have more symbolistic symbols for the GELP to be like "WAAAH! ^_^"

I have diction weilding powers? **imagines self with a tone sword and a metaphor shield**

[~darkelfgirl~]

Hehe! You Blanc lovers!!

Blanc: ... *raises eyebrow*

I had to learn those in last years AP class XD. Good times, good times.

Naruto? My sister watches it (therefore I know more about it than I want to). Oh! I know who he was fighting against--but I won't say it because I don't wanna spoil it for anyone else.

I remember putting some symbolism....I definitely put allusions into this story. The part Arden gets "anointed" by the falcon was a Biblical allusion to Jesus being anointed by the Holy Spirit after His baptism. There's more, but I forgot...Oh, the Bible verse in my sig (though it talks about eagles instead of falcons) is what inspired Aegis....Oh--Lord Aegis Shona is supposed to be an analogous to God. Aegi represent Christians. There's more allusions in the future.

Glad you're discovering the hidden elements in Aegis ^ ^. Are you an AP student by any chance? Not saying that only AP students are capable of those abilities

Hehe, I should probably draw my interpretation of you!

[~darkelfgirl~]

Wish I could give a longer update, but I fell asleep working on this one. I had to stay up late last night to finish homework *sigh*. This situation happened last week, too. I guess that's what happens when you run on "E".

We gave each other puzzled looks.
[size=100][font=Times New Roman][color=seagreen] “They’re just…like us,â€

[USSRGirl]

Oooh short but good! Finally the origin of the shadow twins revealed! Cool names too. O.O I wonder whether or not they're going to have a will of their own or just be controlled by the Specter? So Tayli was the one who kept them away then? She's tougher than I thought!

[~darkelfgirl~]

Hmm... Just keep reading! Yep--Her "true duty" will be revealed in the future...

[USSRGirl]

Oooh so she does do more than just make swords. I can't wait to see what happens with her and with the two new villains. The plot is really thickening... if that makes sense? It's a good thing... like when you whip up instant pudding and it gets all thick and gooey and tasty and you just wanna eat it up!

-____O Eh... ignore my really weird literary comparisons but it just felt puddingy to me. Puddingy is good!

[LadyRushia]

**gasp** NOT-UH! XD

I noticed the biblical allusions right away. What I was talking about before was "everyday object=insanely important to the story" symbolism.

Indeed I am an AP student ^_^ You're a senior and you took it last year? Odd, apparently not a lot of states do that(my state does; I took AP last year and got a 3 on the test. . .my teacher didn't really teach us anything).

Eh? Does Rushia see. . .A SEMI-COLON?! SHE DOES! SHE DOES SEE A SEMI-COLON! Yay!

Hehe, I should probably draw my interpretation of you!

Do it.

Contemplating, Blanc gazed at the gray, cloudy sky, with furrowed eyebrows.

"Furrowing his brow, Blanc gazed at the gray, cloudy sky, comtemplating." Any rearrangement along those lines][color="Blue"]S[/color][/B]elf-[color="blue"]C[/color]ontained [color="blue"]U[/color]nderwater [color="blue"]B[/color]reathing [color="blue"]A[/color]paratus

~Rushia

[~darkelfgirl~]

Temmy: Yum! Pudding!

Rushia: I knew it! Yep, I am a senior. Unfortunately, I passed the AP English Comp test with a 2. Yeh, I know. Everyone who took it that goes to our school got a 2. Tsk Tsk. I'm better at interpretations not rhetoric--hence me taking AP English Lit.

Ok!

Hehe, that'll be fun if we did throw a party. We'll all look at each other weirdly because you know how you expect someone to look a certain way and when you meet them you're surprised? XD

SCUBA? How random ^^

[USSRGirl]

O.o;; SCUBA? Has my random pudding analogy spread to infect this thread? Let's have a scuba party! XD I'd be so awesome to do like a big CAA get together.

[~darkelfgirl~]

I know! And we'll talk about anime and AC and stuff.

[LadyRushia]

Seriously, Rushia just has the best ideas because she's so smart and awesome.

Elf, how did you pass with a 2? Most colleges want you to have at least a 4(even though 3 is passing). Fear not though, AP Lit's test should be a bit easier.

Tem, you can bring your fluffly literary pudding to CAA's Scuba Party and we can all be freaked out by how we all look in real life, XD.

Actually, there *will* be a big CAA get together someday. We'll all see each other in heaven(le w00t).

[USSRGirl]

>__O Hey smart and awesome is my title as decreed by the chairwoman of Temuoplis whose over inflated ego makes it a law that none shall be smarter or awesomer than I... or face my dystopic wrath! And literary pudding!

[~darkelfgirl~]

*Watches Temmy and Rushia glare each other down with lightning shooting from their eyes*

Uhh....

Well, I seriously don't know, since I had been practicing so hard for it. I know my essays stunk...I just couldn't think that day--especially with the printer beside me going off every 5 minutes...-_-. Lit does seem easier. I don't know if I what I want to major in....I want to do meteorology--but me and math aren't best friends. And as for Literature, I don't like boring old "works of prose". Ack.

At first when you said we will be getting together, I was like "huh?". Now I'm like--"duh!". That'll be sooo cool. I don't know how I'll know you guys when I see you. I just know I will, I guess XD. You'll all be shocked by my unpointy ears XD.

[USSRGirl]

You have unpointy ears?! My mental picture of you is now forever shattered. I thought like glowing red eyes, pointy ears, blue hair... like the dark elves from oh-what's-it-called... that big massive computer game... grrr can't remember the name now. Oh well.

And Rushia................................

*Throws a tuna at Rushia and walks out so Darkelf doesn't chase me down for spamming her thread XD*