Nihilism's lookin' pretty good right now...

[Zarn Ishtare]

Honestly, I don't know what to say folks. I'm depressed, I'm exhausted, and somehow I've managed to get several people to say rude, mean, or unpleasant things to me (With varying degrees of rude/meanness) that are probably true, all at once. People yelling about this or that, my worrying about this deadline, that deadline....I just want to give them all the brush-off and sleep for a week.


But I can't. And what's the worst part is that voice in the back of my head that says: "Oh, you don't have problems, stop whining. STOP WHINING, you ingrate, because people are dying in Darfur, your friends are all suffering for some reason or another, and your suffering/pain is meaningless." While it may or may not be true, feeling guilty about feeling pain is a complicated and painful emotion.

But, because I need the therapy of whining about my problems, here they are, in no particular order.

It seems like some people get a kick out of tearing me apart online.

Someone I care deeply for is sad, and won't tell me why.

I'm still holding on to a grudge that won't stop reminding me why I'm still holding it.

I have trouble keeping up with some of my bills.

I only made 138 dollars for my first week of my new job, and though I'll probably get payed for this week (My second week) on Tuesday, it won't be a great deal of money anyway.

I'm low on my savings.

I miss my family (I live away from most of them by choice, but still).

I miss friends that are far away and too busy to talk much.

I'm depressed.

My relationship with God sucks, and it's my fault. It always is.

I write pathetic pieces of crap and cavort them as poetry, and although sometimes they impress people, not a single one of them could be published anywhere (And yeah, I'd like to: I could use the money).

I'm randomly filled with angst and rage.

I miss my sister, but she doesn't have much time to talk on the phone with me (She lives away from me and my family) and she's far too busy with her own problems, so I don't want to be an imposition on her, even when I need someone I love to be there.

I'm not good at my job. I'm getting better (I think) but I'm costing my boss money (not alot, but enough) and even though he knew I wasn't experienced when he offered me the job, I don't like being a charity case.

I need to see a shrink, but I can't afford it, and because I'm underage, I worry that someone in my family will pressure the doctor to reveal what I've told them, because doctor-patient confidentiality has loopholes when your underage.

I'm lonely.

I'm lustful, greedy, manipulative, and angry.

I'm intellectually weak. I used to be smarter, but I feel like I've gotten dumber.

People keep telling me the Tower Of Logos is a terrible idea, and that sucks, because I wanted to try my hand at ministry. I couldn't find a way to contribute here on CAA, so I thought I'd try my hand at this, but everybody keeps saying it's a terrible idea (And a few people who do like it don't want to join themselves). It's not an arrogant thing, guys, it's my first serious attempt at some form of ministry with a purpose.


I have moments where I feel like I've finally come out of the shadows, and God is there like the sun shining on my face, but then I mess up a second after, and the clouds come back.

I'm becoming apathetic to the human condition, particularly my own. I'm losing interest in trying to be a better christian, because all of my attempts always meet with failure.



This isn't some half-starved attempt at humility, folks. It isn't a cry for help, and it's only half a prayer request. People may agree, disagree, give that short "I'll Pray" message or read and leave unposted. But I'm tired, and I felt like confessing (Such a dramatic word) how I felt and why I may have said or done things differently (in a bad way) recently.


I'm sorry.

[Etoh*the*Greato]

Confession is always good for the soul. Unfortunately, in the protestant attempts to distance ourselves from the Catholics, that was something that suffered. You should find someone close to you with whom you can share your life (not like marriage share, but sort of like a buddy to buddy confession time) so you can get crud off your chest on a regular basis.
I know exactly what you mean on many of those points, because much of what you've said speaks to me in my life and where I stand, but something I had to tell myself was to kee plugigng forward. To quote Paul, we press on towards a goal. Whats the point of doing anything otherwise? Nihilsm would argue whats the point in anything. So if Nihilism is right and there is no point to anything, I'd much rather keep putting one foot infront of the other and accomplish something (even if its pointless) than sit around. ... Though, come to think of it, I do sit around an awful lot. I need to get out more... ... Sorry, momentarily mentally sidetracked. Where was I? Oh, right.
So! Something God taught me in these hard times is to ignore the far distant future. When you're in the woods, the only thing you can do is follow the path directly in front of you. I know it sounds trite, and I know you've probably heard it before, but you go through trials for a purpose. If you're undergoing difficulty, it means God has some great thing planned for you to do with that. Something good. Something wonderful. You'll get your ministry, and when the time comes for it, you won't even know what hit you but you'll know exactly what to do because, well... You were there, man.

And by the way, I'll be praying for you. ^-^

[Tenshi no Ai]

Lots of stuff there... don't have too much to say either than what has already been said, but I will continue to pray for you on everything...

[Jingo Jaden]

Oh my, I see quite a bit here. I hope that you will feel alot better after a while. I will defidently pray.

[Nate]

I'm just going to throw something out there, and feel free to ignore it, but I think it could help you. I've noticed in your musical tastes you listen to a lot of junk, and I don't mean junk as in "your music sucks," I mean junk as in stuff that's kind of negative.

Look, I'm not saying "You're Christian and you should only listen to Christian music." Lord knows I'm not saying that. But what I'm saying is, maybe you should take a break from this goth music stuff. Kkun, a while back I remember on his LJ he was talking about how he was in an emotional ditch, and for just a week, he said he was going to do an experiment. And he listened to nothing but Christian music, just for a week. He said it really helped out his attitude and stuff. "Garbage in, garbage out." You can ask him about it if you want.

And I'm also not saying, "If you listen to Christian music you'll feel happy and your problems will disappear." That's not true either. But if you really feel angst and rage and upset, maybe you need to listen to music that focuses on something holy and righteous. Hey, if nothing else, do what Jamie did. Listen to nothing but Christian music for a week. If it helps, good on ya. If it doesn't, all you've wasted is a week, right?

Again, feel completely free to ignore this advice, but what can it hurt to try?

[Kkun]

Yeah, cleaning out my music definitely helped. I didn't even get rid of it permanently: I still listen to a lot of the same stuff I listened to before. However, constantly feeding on things like that only causes it to become embedded in your spirit and your mind and all it does is make you feel worse. I enjoy some Weezer, Say Anything, Blood Brothers, Coheed and Cambria, and all that...but when it's all I listen to, I can tell a marked difference in how I feel than if I listened to say, mewithoutYou, Showbread, or praise and worship music.

It's just a suggestion. Remember the words of Showbread, though: no sir, nihilism is not practical. ; )

[QtheQreater]

Still praying for you, Zarn. And as a former apathetic Nihilist, may I just say that it doesn't pan out to believe in nothing...there's too much evidence to the contrary. I was beat over the head with that fact on the worst day of my life.

But I have a question...are you connected with a local church? Because that's where you should be able to go in times like this. The internet is all well and good for some things, but it can't replace people in your immediate vicinity.

[Peanut]

PMing something to you and I'll be praying.

[Chu-Chu]

I feel pretty much the same way you do, just letting you know you aren't alone. Please talk to me whenever you need to. Maybe I can't solve all your problems or take away all of your worries, but if you just need someone to understand and someone to listen, please know that I am here for you always and God is as well. Even though you don't feel so great about yourself now, please just know that I think you are a wonderful wonderful wonderful person. You have really helped me through a lot of my own tough times, you make me laugh no matter how bad I feel, and somehow, you always manage to be there for me. That really means a lot to me, and to me, you are a very special person. Don't be too hard on yourself, just keep hanging in there. You know that I am always always praying for you.

[fairyprincess90]

yeah i know what your feeling. you feel horrible and you feel sinful and terrible and .... horrible.
yeah i know i know. i've been through it many times.... more times than i can count.
dont bash yourself. i know its hard. your confessing is not wrong but dont confess in a way that bashes yourself. you're saying stuff like "i write pathetic pieces of crap" ? ? ? ? ? ?? ? ? ? ? ? ??? ? ?

DONT BASH YOURSELF PLEASE DONT!
it only makes things worse.... instead of telling yourself over and over how horrible you are and how many mistakes you've made be more like "okay, i've made these mistakes but this moment i'm going to try to be better" and when you fall... dont stay on the ground. pick yourself up and go on. everyone makes mistakes. EVERYONE!

i know this is kind of hard to listen to and do. but try. when i was depressed i didnt want to listen to the advice people were saying. but then one of my friends told me "you have a choice. you can not listen and keep wallowing in your self pity or you can get up and try to get better." it helped me. i hope it helps you.

its hard. i'm not saying this is easy. its very hard. but you can do ALL things through Christ. ask Him to help you. be determined to be better.
also, keep your mind off of everything that makes you feel terrible. write out everything you like about yourself or that other people have told you they like about you. BE HONEST!

also. eat healthy. this definetly helped me. whenever i find myself eating junk food and processed foods (which is like the kind of food we eat everyday and we dont even know it somtimes) i feel yucky. i feel ugly, stupid, useless, a failure, lonely... etc.
eat some more fruits and veggies =]

drink a lot of water too. cause that helps flush out all the bad stuff in ya.

i wish i could do more to help. i wish i could just wave my hands over you and TADA! you feel better. my heart aches for you because i've been through this too and its horrible! but listen... Satan wants you to feel this way. DONT LET HIM WIN!
i let the Devil have a huge foothold in my life when i gave up and just left myself on the ground.
I WILL BE PRAYING!

write your poetry. even if its nothing amazing it helps get out your feelings. and who cares what people think? its yours. noone could write exactly like you do.

oh i hope that you feel better soon.
i really really do.


just go to God and give Him your burden. He's waiting for You. and He'll take your pain and hurt if You just ask Him to.

you are in my prayers.
i hope something i said helped. if not. its okay =] i got typing practice! =]

[Chu-Chu]

And by the way, I happen to like your poetry.