So upset right now...this is a horrible night

[RedMage]

Following up to my post here.

The second friend I mentioned there needs your prayers more than ever, and I need them too.

As I said, she (giving up on the gender-neutral phrasing, it's more trouble than it's worth) is going through something really horrible, something that could tear her family apart. And it's not even only that. This came very recently. This was piled on top of other things, terrible in their own right, that she was having to deal with.

Now, she's another person I met in my online college courses. We can only stay in touch through IMs and e-mails and stuff.

Well, I don't know all the details, but she had a fight with her parents today, and now she's supposed to stay off the computer for a week.

And I was broken up about that, because though I told her over and over again even as I tried to help and give counsel that I wasn't up to the task, and that no person on earth had the wisdom she needed, only God did...truth be told, I didn't have enough faith to let God take her out of my hands for a week, as if she was ever in my hands at all. The idea of her without me or anybody else during this time scared me. All I saw was my friend all alone, even though I know nobody's ever really alone because He is with us. So I asked God to forgive me for my pride and my faithlessness.

Then she got online for a minute earlier this evening and we talked. And it got worse.

It's not just a week. Once the spring semester of classes start (which is just over a week from now), she's deleting her IM program. I don't know why. I didn't ask. She feels she has to or it's best for some reason, so I didn't question it. I know she's been having other problems with their parents about this stuff, and at times she's questioned whether her online activities, even fellowship with her friends, takes her focus off God.

We can still e-mail now and then, and we'll both be on the class discussion forums, but it's not the same. She's not out of my hands for a week, she's out of my hands for...I don't know. She was never in my hands to start with, of course.

She told me I had helped a lot, though I felt totally insufficient for the task of helping her deal with this. She told me I had done enough, that I didn't need to try do do more. But I wanted to try. And now I don't get to. She's helped me so much. She's been the best friend and sister in Christ I could have asked for. I truly think of her as a sister in reality and not just figuratively. I would have been so blessed, I was so blessed, to give a little bit back to her. But it seems I don't get to give any more. All I can give now is prayer. It seems like I never get to do more than that.

But it's stopped being about that now, or just about that. It's not about faith in God to help people where we can't, though she still probably has to do something unspeakably difficult, and the consequences could be terribly painful, and I will keep on praying for her about that.

It's about losing my friend. Plain and simple. It felt like we were saying goodbye forever. There were all these things I wanted to say and no words to say them. She said it sounded like a play with bad actors, and she was right. And in my heart, I'm saying it's not fair, I know it's wrong, but I can't help it. I'm saying it's not fair that we get to get close to people so quickly and then lose them, it's not fair people have to be all alone, it's not fair she's having to deal with this stuff. I know God has made all this happen for a reason and it will be alright somehow, but I don't see how, it's not alright now, not tonight.

And what scares me is how quickly the grief has changed. I cried. But it didn't last long. It's been just over half an hour since we stopped talking, and already the pain is just a dull ache. I feel empty inside. Maybe I'm in shock.

I can't remember ever feeling like I can't take this fallen world any longer more than I do right now. I want to go home. I don't understand, God. Even so, come quickly, Lord Jesus.

Now the tears are coming again.

[Sun.Ice]

Wow, that sounds bad. I'll pray for both of you.

[freerock1]

Lifting you up, my brother. And thanks for your honesty. I've been going through some life crap myself the last few weeks, so to some degree I can sympathize with your pain. But just know that it's all in God's hands.

Even more importantly, remember that this life is a vapor and keep your eyes on heaven, as it sounds like you're doing. (I'm very impressed with your perspective regarding that, for what it's worth).

[kyoto]

I'll also pray,

[Tenshi no Ai]

I'll be praying for you both...

[RedMage]

Alright, update.

First of all, thanks for all of your prayers.

My friend may not be "disappearing" after all. She thinks God has told her deleting her IMer and cutting herself off that way is the wrong decision, and it leans toward dangerous tendencies she sees in herself. Praise God for that.

However...

Things are very much still...I don't want say in crisis, but uncertain and up in the air. She really needs all of the prayers you can spare. She needs faith and strength and God's protection.

[USSRGirl]

Prayers for both you and your friend. Hang in there, comrade.

[Ryupower]

awwww, that sounds HORRIBLE my brother. I will pray for you.
and her....this is very sad, I may have experiences to sympathize in this somewhat...
I'll pray

[RedMage]

If you pray for my friend for just one day (not that you wouldn't pray for more than that), it may need to be today. I'm so scared for her right now.

[Yumie]

Well, then, I'll be sure to pray for her today at least, and I'll try to remember to keep her in my prayers beyond that (I'm horrible at remembering prayer requests. . .) I'll pray for you too. Are you still in communication with her?

[RedMage]

Are you still in communication with her?

Yes, thankfully. I talked to her at about noon, and it's not as bad as I feared this morning, but she's still by no means safe. Well, I know she's safe in Him, or at least I'm trying to remember it, but you know what I mean...

[mssthang_1]

saying a prayer for you my brotha' in Christ....keep tha faith^^

[Angel37]

God promises to comfort those who mourn.
You'll both be in my prayers. <3 If you need to talk, whine, or vent, I'm here. I've lost alot of friends in my time, I can lend an empathetic ear. *huggles*

[RedMage]

Keep those prayers coming, please. Not to be a pest, just a reminder and a plea.

[Jingo Jaden]

In my prayer.

[Lady Arianrod]

I will pray for you as well.

[RedMage]

I believe that by the grace of God, my friend took an amazing step in starting to get the situation she's in fixed tonight. God gave her strength to do something she thought she never could. However, I'm afraid to say me and her other friends are happier about it than she is. there's still a long road ahead of her, and she's mostly seeing how far she has to go rather than how far she's come. She's dubious what she did will make any difference and that things will change. Please pray that she'll be able to be happy and thankful for what God has allowed her to accomplish, and that He'll reward her faith by improving things from now on.

[Tenshi no Ai]

That's great to hear^^ I hope she'll be able to realize in the step she took... whatever it might've been. God's so good^^ I'll continue on praying though, cause this is only one step forward, and with more prayer, who knows what the distance one "small" initial step can take^^

[RedMage]

That's great to hear^^ I hope she'll be able to realize in the step she took... whatever it might've been.

Ha ha, I'm sorry I have to be so vague with you guys, but I couldn't tell these things to strangers, no offense. I hope you can understand.

I asked my Sunday School kids to pray for my friend yesterday, too. A couple of them prodded me before one of my pair of Amanda's helpfully suggested I didn't want to say. (Thanks, Amanda. )

Of course, then there was the inevitable exchange.

Kid: "Is she your girlfriend?"
Me: "No, she's just my friend who is a girl." (This is apparently unthinkable at their age.)
Kid: "Do you have a girlfriend?"
Me: "No."

OK, I'm rambling now.

[Yumie]

I'm glad things are looking up, RM. I hope they will continue to get better.

[RedMage]

Heh heh.

I wish so much I could tell you all about this. Things seem to go up and down too fast to keep up.

For a while this afternoon it seemed like things weren't looking up at all. In some ways, the outlook for my friend's situation really doesn't look as positive as it seemed last night.

For all that, though, I'm happy about the direction she's going personally and about our relationship, and I'm going to have to trust God to handle the rest. :-)