I have something to tell that I've never admitted to anyone. About a month and a half ago, I had to be taken to the emergency room because I overdosed on Aspirin. I told everyone that it was an accident- that I'd been so delirious with fever and flu symptoms that I didn't realize what I was doing. But that was a lie. I took exactly 21 pills, and I did it completely on purpose. I even did research beforehand and calculated the amount that a person of my body size could take before they died. This probably sounds absolutely insane, and, honestly, even I think that it was.
I went home "sick" that day from school, and immediately took some flu medicine. I spent the day planning what I would do. Then, that night, I locked myself in my bathroom, turned on the faucet, and started taking my meticulously counted and separated Aspirin. Fortunately, about halfway through the time when I was taking the medicine, I realized that I was too cowardly to actually kill myself, and decided to just take enough to do some damage. Good thing I was also scared enough to tell my dad about what happened and that I was starting to feel the effects a short time later, because he took me to the hospital.
Why did I choose to do this? I think it was a combination of many different things. The main reason was that I had very recently disappointed myself in a deeper way than I ever had before, and in doing so, I ruined one of my lifelong aspirations. This, coupled with my feelings of loneliness, extreme stress, and general hopelessness in so many aspects of my life at the time led to a very foolish last resort: I decided that I was going to commit suicide. I had had self-destructive thoughts before, but this was the first and only time I had even come close to acting on them. I've never been a "cutter", a "pill-popper", or anything else that one associates with self-harm. But this time, I made up my mind that I was going to do something drastic, and I did it.
Of course, I told everyone that what had occurred was a terrible, horrible accident. I'm my parents' only daughter, their youngest child, their little baby. What would they think if their Honor Student, their artsy kid, their hard-working athlete, tried to kill herself and caused all this mess? I told my lie so many times and memorized it so well that even the hospital's official psychiatrist believed me. Heck, sometimes I think I've begun to believe it myself.
After all the difficult and painful results my actions caused, though- the overnight hospital stay with IVs, drinking liquid charcoal, and multiple blood tests, the questions from friends and classmates, the initial suspicions of my mom and dad- I can tell you that I never want to do anything like this ever again, and that I understand how stupid, wrong and pointless it was to do what I did. Still, when I think about what happened, I feel like I hardly know myself, and I'm afraid of what the foreign side of me might be capable of, given the opportunity.
I have never told anyone the truth about this. Only me and God have known until now. But I had to tell someone; I had to get it off of my chest. I'm not looking for pity, sympathy, or anything close to that. I just couldn't stand to hold onto this anymore. The one thing I ask for is prayer. Please pray that my mental and emotional pain from this incident will heal, and that I never allow myself to do something like this again.
A Secret I've Kept from Everyone
41 posts •
Page 1 of 2 •
- 1
- 2
-
Fionn Fael - Posts: 197
- Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2006 3:08 pm
- Location: Owl Freckles
[quote="Fionn Fael"]I have something to tell that I've never admitted to anyone. About a month and a half ago, I had to be taken to the emergency room because I overdosed on Aspirin. I told everyone that it was an accident- that I'd been so delirious with fever and flu symptoms that I didn't realize what I was doing. But that was a lie. I took exactly 21 pills, and I did it completely on purpose. I even did research beforehand and calculated the amount that a person of my body size could take before they died. This probably sounds absolutely insane, and, honestly, even I think that it was.
I went home "sick" that day from school, and immediately took some flu medicine. I spent the day planning what I would do. Then, that night, I locked myself in my bathroom, turned on the faucet, and started taking my meticulously counted and separated Aspirin. Fortunately, about halfway through the time when I was taking the medicine, I realized that I was too cowardly to actually kill myself, and decided to just take enough to do some damage. Good thing I was also scared enough to tell my dad about what happened and that I was starting to feel the effects a short time later, because he took me to the hospital.
Why did I choose to do this? I think it was a combination of many different things. The main reason was that I had very recently disappointed myself in a deeper way than I ever had before, and in doing so, I ruined one of my lifelong aspirations. This, coupled with my feelings of loneliness, extreme stress, and general hopelessness in so many aspects of my life at the time led to a very foolish last resort: I decided that I was going to commit suicide. I had had self-destructive thoughts before, but this was the first and only time I had even come close to acting on them. I've never been a "cutter", a "pill-popper", or anything else that one associates with self-harm. But this time, I made up my mind that I was going to do something drastic, and I did it.
Of course, I told everyone that what had occurred was a terrible, horrible accident. I'm my parents' only daughter, their youngest child, their little baby. What would they think if their Honor Student, their artsy kid, their hard-working athlete, tried to kill herself and caused all this mess? I told my lie so many times and memorized it so well that even the hospital's official psychiatrist believed me. Heck, sometimes I think I've begun to believe it myself.
After all the difficult and painful results my actions caused, though- the overnight hospital stay with IVs, drinking liquid charcoal, and multiple blood tests, the questions from friends and classmates, the initial suspicions of my mom and dad- I can tell you that I never want to do anything like this ever again, and that I understand how stupid, wrong and pointless it was to do what I did. Still, when I think about what happened, I feel like I hardly know myself, and I'm afraid of what the foreign side of me might be capable of, given the opportunity.
I have never told anyone the truth about this. Only me and God have known until now. But I had to tell someone]
never think about killing yourself. if there are problems in your life you should talk to someone about them. if you need to talk i am here. my name is warriorking500. i will pray to help you heal and i will ask the lord to take away your pain and i will take it into myself. i will always help another in need.
I went home "sick" that day from school, and immediately took some flu medicine. I spent the day planning what I would do. Then, that night, I locked myself in my bathroom, turned on the faucet, and started taking my meticulously counted and separated Aspirin. Fortunately, about halfway through the time when I was taking the medicine, I realized that I was too cowardly to actually kill myself, and decided to just take enough to do some damage. Good thing I was also scared enough to tell my dad about what happened and that I was starting to feel the effects a short time later, because he took me to the hospital.
Why did I choose to do this? I think it was a combination of many different things. The main reason was that I had very recently disappointed myself in a deeper way than I ever had before, and in doing so, I ruined one of my lifelong aspirations. This, coupled with my feelings of loneliness, extreme stress, and general hopelessness in so many aspects of my life at the time led to a very foolish last resort: I decided that I was going to commit suicide. I had had self-destructive thoughts before, but this was the first and only time I had even come close to acting on them. I've never been a "cutter", a "pill-popper", or anything else that one associates with self-harm. But this time, I made up my mind that I was going to do something drastic, and I did it.
Of course, I told everyone that what had occurred was a terrible, horrible accident. I'm my parents' only daughter, their youngest child, their little baby. What would they think if their Honor Student, their artsy kid, their hard-working athlete, tried to kill herself and caused all this mess? I told my lie so many times and memorized it so well that even the hospital's official psychiatrist believed me. Heck, sometimes I think I've begun to believe it myself.
After all the difficult and painful results my actions caused, though- the overnight hospital stay with IVs, drinking liquid charcoal, and multiple blood tests, the questions from friends and classmates, the initial suspicions of my mom and dad- I can tell you that I never want to do anything like this ever again, and that I understand how stupid, wrong and pointless it was to do what I did. Still, when I think about what happened, I feel like I hardly know myself, and I'm afraid of what the foreign side of me might be capable of, given the opportunity.
I have never told anyone the truth about this. Only me and God have known until now. But I had to tell someone]
never think about killing yourself. if there are problems in your life you should talk to someone about them. if you need to talk i am here. my name is warriorking500. i will pray to help you heal and i will ask the lord to take away your pain and i will take it into myself. i will always help another in need.
-
Guardianking500 - Posts: 40
- Joined: Wed Dec 27, 2006 11:41 pm
- Location: wenatchee, washington
Fionn, I will surely be praying for you.
I'm so very glad that you decided not to go through with it. If you ever have thoughts like this again, please tell someone who can help you -- your parents, your pastor, anyone who can get you help. The pain it may cause them short-term is nothing compared to the pain they would feel if you succeeded in killing yourself. It sounds like you realize this now, but it's good to remind yourself if you ever have those thoughts again -- that's the time when you're not thinking clearly and you need help.
I'm so very glad that you decided not to go through with it. If you ever have thoughts like this again, please tell someone who can help you -- your parents, your pastor, anyone who can get you help. The pain it may cause them short-term is nothing compared to the pain they would feel if you succeeded in killing yourself. It sounds like you realize this now, but it's good to remind yourself if you ever have those thoughts again -- that's the time when you're not thinking clearly and you need help.
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."
[indent]~~Gandalf, in Fellowship of the Ring[/indent]
[indent]~~Gandalf, in Fellowship of the Ring[/indent]
-
EireWolf - Posts: 2496
- Joined: Thu Jun 26, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: the forests of northern California
I will pray, Fionn. And do heed EireWolf's advice. Speaking from experience, it's the best way. Telling someone you trust helps tremendously.
The sometime President of the Goof Off!
-
QtheQreater - Posts: 727
- Joined: Wed Jun 21, 2006 10:34 pm
- Location: Fighting bears.
I'll be praying for you as well! And do follow EireWolf's advice, because it is needed. Also going to a psychologist (a Christian one) would be a good idea because they can help you in many ways as well.
-
bigsleepj - Posts: 3432
- Joined: Sun Apr 11, 2004 12:00 pm
- Location: South Africa - Oh yes, better believe it!
-
Jingo Jaden - Posts: 2175
- Joined: Mon May 15, 2006 2:26 pm
- Location: Norway
I'll be praying as well...
神 は、 その 独り 子 を お与え に なった ほど に 世 お愛 された。
独り 子 を 信じる 者 が 一人 も滅 ひない で, 永遠 の 命 お得る ため で ある。
ヨハネ 3:16
独り 子 を 信じる 者 が 一人 も滅 ひない で, 永遠 の 命 お得る ため で ある。
ヨハネ 3:16
-
Tenshi no Ai - Posts: 4789
- Joined: Fri Jul 02, 2004 11:01 am
- Location: l
i'll be praying for you fionn. it is important to remember that even though things may not be going so well right now, be it in school, socially, emotionally, or physically, God always has a plan and it's always for the best. put your trust in him and you can't go wrong.
[SIZE="4"]*FASTING FROM CAA (9/25/08 - ???)*[/SIZE]
[SIZE="1"]
"Sometimes we don't present the Gospel well enough for the non-elect to reject it."
- John MacArthur
"In the total expanse of the human life, there is not a single square inch of which Christ, who alone is sovereign, does not declare, 'That is mine'."
- Abraham Kuyper
"God the great Creator of all things doth uphold, direct, dispose, and govern all creatures, actions, and things, from the greatest even to the least, by His most wise and holy providence, according to His infallible foreknowledge and the free and immutable counsel of His own will, to the praise of the glory of His wisdom, power, justice, goodness, and mercy."
- Westminister Confession of Faith (Chapter 5, Section 1)
"The wisdom of God has found a way for the love of God to deliver sinners from the wrath of God all the while upholding the righteousness of God!!"
- John Piper
"Grace is the pleasure of God to magnify the worth of God by giving sinners the right and power to delight in God without obscuring the glory of God!"
-John Piper
"The very One from Whom we need to be saved, is the One Who has saved us."
- R.C. Sproul
"All of Christian life is ceaseless worship of God the Father, through the mediatorship of God the Son, by the indwelling power of God the Spirit, doing what God commands in Scripture, not doing what God forbids in Scripture, in culturally contextualized ways, for the furtherance of the Gospel, when both gathered for adoration, and scattered for action, in joyous response to God's glorious grace."
- Mark Driscoll
"Believers do not pray with the view of informing God about things unknown to Him, or of exciting Him to do His duty, or of urging Him as though He were reluctant. On the contrary, they pray in order that they may arouse themselves to seek Him, that they may exercise their faith in meditating on His promises, that they may relieve themselves from their anxieties by pouring them into His bosom; in a word, that they may declare that from Him alone they hope and expect, both for themselves and for others, all good things."
- Martin Luther
"I have to tell you first that I am ready to die. I have put my affairs in order. Your supreme weapon is killing. My supreme weapon is dying, because when you kill me, people all over Romania will read my books and believe on the God that I preach - even more than they do now."
- Dr. Joseph Ton, the exiled Romanian pastor (quoted by James Montgomery Boice)
"The best prayer I ever prayed had enough sin in it to condemn the whole world."
- John Bunyan
"If the Christian has lost sight of Calvary, that shows that he has lost his way."
- J.I. Packer[/SIZE]
[SIZE="1"]
"Sometimes we don't present the Gospel well enough for the non-elect to reject it."
- John MacArthur
"In the total expanse of the human life, there is not a single square inch of which Christ, who alone is sovereign, does not declare, 'That is mine'."
- Abraham Kuyper
"God the great Creator of all things doth uphold, direct, dispose, and govern all creatures, actions, and things, from the greatest even to the least, by His most wise and holy providence, according to His infallible foreknowledge and the free and immutable counsel of His own will, to the praise of the glory of His wisdom, power, justice, goodness, and mercy."
- Westminister Confession of Faith (Chapter 5, Section 1)
"The wisdom of God has found a way for the love of God to deliver sinners from the wrath of God all the while upholding the righteousness of God!!"
- John Piper
"Grace is the pleasure of God to magnify the worth of God by giving sinners the right and power to delight in God without obscuring the glory of God!"
-John Piper
"The very One from Whom we need to be saved, is the One Who has saved us."
- R.C. Sproul
"All of Christian life is ceaseless worship of God the Father, through the mediatorship of God the Son, by the indwelling power of God the Spirit, doing what God commands in Scripture, not doing what God forbids in Scripture, in culturally contextualized ways, for the furtherance of the Gospel, when both gathered for adoration, and scattered for action, in joyous response to God's glorious grace."
- Mark Driscoll
"Believers do not pray with the view of informing God about things unknown to Him, or of exciting Him to do His duty, or of urging Him as though He were reluctant. On the contrary, they pray in order that they may arouse themselves to seek Him, that they may exercise their faith in meditating on His promises, that they may relieve themselves from their anxieties by pouring them into His bosom; in a word, that they may declare that from Him alone they hope and expect, both for themselves and for others, all good things."
- Martin Luther
"I have to tell you first that I am ready to die. I have put my affairs in order. Your supreme weapon is killing. My supreme weapon is dying, because when you kill me, people all over Romania will read my books and believe on the God that I preach - even more than they do now."
- Dr. Joseph Ton, the exiled Romanian pastor (quoted by James Montgomery Boice)
"The best prayer I ever prayed had enough sin in it to condemn the whole world."
- John Bunyan
"If the Christian has lost sight of Calvary, that shows that he has lost his way."
- J.I. Packer[/SIZE]
-
jon_jinn - Posts: 3261
- Joined: Wed Jan 04, 2006 5:49 pm
- Location: California
I'll keep you in my prayers. Everyone has given good advice. Tell those you trust about this, as many as possible. Trying to kill your self should not be kept in the dark.
My Website [online comic]
Do you find your self worried alot of the time about things that don't always make sense?
Are you experiencing any of these?
• Persistent feelings of sadness, irritability or anxiety
• Overreaction to irritations
• Loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed,
• Sleep too much, or sleep too little
• Unexpected loss or gain of weight
• Tiredness or restlessness
• Slowed movement, thought and/or speech
• Guilt, low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness
• Inability to concentrate and poor memory
• Loss of motivation
• Feelings of hopelessness
• Suicidal thoughts and/or behavior
• Withdrawal from relationships, anti-social behavior
• Physical aches and pains that seem to have no other cause
If you have a few of the symptoms on this list, you may be suffering from a form of clinical depression there are many sites that offer advice and help.
Do you find your self worried alot of the time about things that don't always make sense?
Are you experiencing any of these?
• Persistent feelings of sadness, irritability or anxiety
• Overreaction to irritations
• Loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed,
• Sleep too much, or sleep too little
• Unexpected loss or gain of weight
• Tiredness or restlessness
• Slowed movement, thought and/or speech
• Guilt, low self-esteem, feelings of worthlessness
• Inability to concentrate and poor memory
• Loss of motivation
• Feelings of hopelessness
• Suicidal thoughts and/or behavior
• Withdrawal from relationships, anti-social behavior
• Physical aches and pains that seem to have no other cause
If you have a few of the symptoms on this list, you may be suffering from a form of clinical depression there are many sites that offer advice and help.
-
mai - Posts: 432
- Joined: Sat May 01, 2004 9:32 am
- Location: Somewhere between myself and outer space
With you in prayer.
With your doubt, all is comfort
We are all as we appear
No more questions left unanswered
No more wonder, no more fear
Nothing is beauty, nothing's feeling
Blood where there once was a soul
So I ask you, prove yourself
Make me believe that you are whole
We are all as we appear
No more questions left unanswered
No more wonder, no more fear
Nothing is beauty, nothing's feeling
Blood where there once was a soul
So I ask you, prove yourself
Make me believe that you are whole
- Zarn Ishtare
- Posts: 1295
- Joined: Wed Feb 11, 2004 4:23 am
- Location: HELL HATH NO FURY, AT ALL.
Oh wow, I'm so glad you didn't go through with it! Always remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a problem that's only temporary. I'll echo everyone else here when I say that you should always tell someone if you're even having the slightest thoughts of suicide. Anyways, I'll be praying for you! 
[color="DeepSkyBlue"]4 8 15 16 23[/color] 42
[color="PaleGreen"]Rushia: YOU ARE MY FAVORITE IGNORANT AMERICAN OF IRISH DECENT. I LOVE YOU AND YOUR POTATOES.[/color]
[color="Orange"]WELCOME TO MOES[/color]
-
Radical Dreamer - Posts: 7950
- Joined: Sat May 28, 2005 9:00 am
- Location: Some place where I can think up witty things to say under the "Location" category.
You will be in my prayers.
I just want to say that you shouldn't consider not following through with killing yourself as cowardice. The act of suicide itself is cowardice, you showed that you had the strength to continue on, even though it's not easy. I'm repeating myself, but I just want to make sure you know that even though you wanted to take the easy way out, you stuck with the more difficult choice and that's strength, not cowardice.
I just want to say that you shouldn't consider not following through with killing yourself as cowardice. The act of suicide itself is cowardice, you showed that you had the strength to continue on, even though it's not easy. I'm repeating myself, but I just want to make sure you know that even though you wanted to take the easy way out, you stuck with the more difficult choice and that's strength, not cowardice.
-マックスウェル
"My my, the cruelest lies are often told without a word; my my, the kindest truths are often spoken, never heard." Ben Folds, The Last Polka
No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friend - John 15:13
"My my, the cruelest lies are often told without a word; my my, the kindest truths are often spoken, never heard." Ben Folds, The Last Polka
No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friend - John 15:13
-
samuraidragon - Posts: 498
- Joined: Sun Apr 18, 2004 6:47 pm
- Location: Wherever they send me.
I'll be praying, but just remember. Just because things aren't going well NOW doesn't mean you've gotta stop it all... take care! Philippians 4:13 and Romans 8:28
~And we know that all things work together for good, to those who love God, and to those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28
~*`*`*`*`*`*~
It's tough being a girl... In a pink world.
-me
~~~
~I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13
"I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak. There ain't no disguising the truth!"
Romans 8:28
~*`*`*`*`*`*~
It's tough being a girl... In a pink world.
-me
~~~
~I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13
"I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak. There ain't no disguising the truth!"
-
Evangeline-San - Posts: 88
- Joined: Fri Nov 10, 2006 8:54 pm
- Location: Southern California
Fionn, I'm so glad you decided not to commit suicide, and I hope that thoughts like those will never plauge you again. However, as completely difficult it is, I really truly think you should tell someone who knows you in person. You need someone who is with you on a daily basis to be able to help you gauge how you're doing and get you through the hard days. Online support is OK, but it's just nothing compared to someone being there for you in person. I know how hard it is to admit something like this to someone you know loves you, but if someone I loved was contemplating suicide, I wouldn't want them to hide it from me. I bet if you tell your loved ones, they'll be so glad you did. I'll be praying for you, dear, and I hope things will make a turn for the better. 
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
-
Yumie - Posts: 1939
- Joined: Sat Apr 09, 2005 12:00 pm
- Location: In a house
I am also glad you didn't go through with suicide. I once contemplated it myself in Junior high. What stopped me was the fact that I knew I'd make many people unhappy, mostly my family. One of my cousins has a friend who said she doesn't like the idea of suicide because "you don't even give it a chance to get better."
"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you. I appointed you to be a prophet of all nations."
--Jeremiah 1:5
Hit me up on social media!
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100007205508246<--Facebook
I'm also on Amino as Radical Edward, and on Reddit as Rocklobster as well.
click here for my playlist!
my last fm profile!
--Jeremiah 1:5
Hit me up on social media!
https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100007205508246<--Facebook
I'm also on Amino as Radical Edward, and on Reddit as Rocklobster as well.
click here for my playlist!
my last fm profile!
-
rocklobster - Posts: 8903
- Joined: Mon Dec 20, 2004 1:27 pm
- Location: Planet Claire
I'm glad you didn't follow through. I once thought of taking my own life as well, but eventually I realized it would all be for nothing in the end, and my parents and friends would be heartbroken and probably would never recover from it. From your posts, it does appear that you have thought back on your decision.
I'll be praying for you. My advice is for you to hook up with someone in real life who you can trust and who can leap into action if such thoughts crop up again. Even if you're only thinking about taking your life, and not actually planning to act on it, in the end you'll be glad your friend alerted those who needed to know.
I'll be praying for you. My advice is for you to hook up with someone in real life who you can trust and who can leap into action if such thoughts crop up again. Even if you're only thinking about taking your life, and not actually planning to act on it, in the end you'll be glad your friend alerted those who needed to know.
K. Ayato: What happens if you press the small red button?
*Explosion goes off in the movie*
mechana2015: Does that answer your question?
K. Ayato: Perfectly.
Prayer sister of kaji, sticksabuser, Angel37, and Doubleshadow --Love you guys!
*Explosion goes off in the movie*
mechana2015: Does that answer your question?
K. Ayato: Perfectly.
Prayer sister of kaji, sticksabuser, Angel37, and Doubleshadow --Love you guys!
-
K. Ayato - Posts: 3881
- Joined: Wed Dec 08, 2004 10:00 am
- Location: Southern California
It takes a lot of courage to share this sort of thing; you will be in my prayers. Remember God's unfailing love for you:
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:17-19)
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:17-19)
Let others believe in the God who brings men to trial and judges them. I shall cling to the God who resurrects the dead.
-St. Nikolai Velimirovich
MAL
-St. Nikolai Velimirovich
MAL
-
Kaori - Posts: 1463
- Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 4:48 pm
- Location: 一羽の鳥が弧を描いてゆく
Thanks so much, everyone. You can't imagine how much I appreciate your support and prayer. Honestly, you have already helped me more than I could have asked for.
Most of you mentioned in your posts that I should discuss this with someone face-to-face. I know that this is definitely something I need to do... But I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm too afraid of what my family and friends would think if they found out the truth. The idea really scares me. I'm sure that whoever I tell, even if it's just one person, will never think of me the same way again. I don't want the people I love the most to think I'm crazy, or constantly depressed, or look at me like I'm some ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
So, my question is this: Should I wait until I'm more comfortable discussing the situation, or should I tell someone now, while I'm still getting over it? Besides that, who should I tell if I'm so nervous about talking about it with the people I'm close to?
Most of you mentioned in your posts that I should discuss this with someone face-to-face. I know that this is definitely something I need to do... But I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm too afraid of what my family and friends would think if they found out the truth. The idea really scares me. I'm sure that whoever I tell, even if it's just one person, will never think of me the same way again. I don't want the people I love the most to think I'm crazy, or constantly depressed, or look at me like I'm some ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
So, my question is this: Should I wait until I'm more comfortable discussing the situation, or should I tell someone now, while I'm still getting over it? Besides that, who should I tell if I'm so nervous about talking about it with the people I'm close to?
-
Fionn Fael - Posts: 197
- Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2006 3:08 pm
- Location: Owl Freckles
Admitting you came close to doing something like committing suicide is always scary, especially when it comes down to telling the people who care about you. Although you're scared, you should tell your friends and your family now. They do have a right to know.
I'll be praying.
I'll be praying.
K. Ayato: What happens if you press the small red button?
*Explosion goes off in the movie*
mechana2015: Does that answer your question?
K. Ayato: Perfectly.
Prayer sister of kaji, sticksabuser, Angel37, and Doubleshadow --Love you guys!
*Explosion goes off in the movie*
mechana2015: Does that answer your question?
K. Ayato: Perfectly.
Prayer sister of kaji, sticksabuser, Angel37, and Doubleshadow --Love you guys!
-
K. Ayato - Posts: 3881
- Joined: Wed Dec 08, 2004 10:00 am
- Location: Southern California
*HUG* Im so so sorry that you felt the need to take your own life. I know i've no blame, but i feel like i need to apologize for a society that's so screwed up that people get to feeling helpless & discouraged.
My heart goes out to you. I know many have dealt with suicidal thoughts. ive been no exception in my life. however, that doesnt make it any more ok that satan attacks us this way & puts these plans in our hearts to destroy us! it's never ok. (not blaming you at all....just upset that the devil does this!)
Anyways, I hope you take this difficult time & use it to grow closer to God, to seek His will, to find people who love you for who you are - and dont hold you to a difficult standard of honors, only-child perfection! Take care & pm me ANYTIME. Im not particularly helpful or fascinating, but people tell me i'm a good listener & i'm going into youth min for the very reason of helping people find hope. So...if you ever need someone, remember me k? take care
My heart goes out to you. I know many have dealt with suicidal thoughts. ive been no exception in my life. however, that doesnt make it any more ok that satan attacks us this way & puts these plans in our hearts to destroy us! it's never ok. (not blaming you at all....just upset that the devil does this!)
Anyways, I hope you take this difficult time & use it to grow closer to God, to seek His will, to find people who love you for who you are - and dont hold you to a difficult standard of honors, only-child perfection! Take care & pm me ANYTIME. Im not particularly helpful or fascinating, but people tell me i'm a good listener & i'm going into youth min for the very reason of helping people find hope. So...if you ever need someone, remember me k? take care
Cast in the name of God, ye not guilty.
~~~~~~
At the heart of mature [color=DarkOrchid]femininity is a freeing disposition to affirm, receive and nuture strength and leadership from worthy men in ways appropriate to a woman's differing relationships.
At the heart of mature masculinity is a sense of benevolent responsibility to lead, provide for and protect women in ways appropriate to a man's differing relationships.[/color]
~~~~
Disclaimer: The comments of Lara, both on forum and chat, are random, unusual, and often sarcastic. Read with a pillar of salt. Thanks.
~~~~~~
At the heart of mature [color=DarkOrchid]femininity is a freeing disposition to affirm, receive and nuture strength and leadership from worthy men in ways appropriate to a woman's differing relationships.
At the heart of mature masculinity is a sense of benevolent responsibility to lead, provide for and protect women in ways appropriate to a man's differing relationships.[/color]
~~~~
Disclaimer: The comments of Lara, both on forum and chat, are random, unusual, and often sarcastic. Read with a pillar of salt. Thanks.
-
FadedOne - Posts: 881
- Joined: Tue Nov 23, 2004 1:13 pm
- Location: Ohio/Virginia
Fionn Fael wrote:So, my question is this: Should I wait until I'm more comfortable discussing the situation, or should I tell someone now, while I'm still getting over it? Besides that, who should I tell if I'm so nervous about talking about it with the people I'm close to?
You'll probably never be quite comfortable talking about it. It's a difficult thing, and isn't likely to get easier. But don't wait until you have suicidal thoughts again -- when you're having such thoughts, you're not thinking clearly. It's best to do it now, when you have the clarity of hindsight, than to wait until your thoughts are clouded again.
Who to tell? I would strongly suggest telling your parents. They love you, and they can get you some help. It would be a good idea to talk to a therapist or counselor. There is no shame in getting help.
Don't be afraid, Fionn. God is holding on to you and won't let you go. He has good plans for your life.
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."
[indent]~~Gandalf, in Fellowship of the Ring[/indent]
[indent]~~Gandalf, in Fellowship of the Ring[/indent]
-
EireWolf - Posts: 2496
- Joined: Thu Jun 26, 2003 12:00 pm
- Location: the forests of northern California
Fionn Fael wrote:Most of you mentioned in your posts that I should discuss this with someone face-to-face. I know that this is definitely something I need to do... But I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm too afraid of what my family and friends would think if they found out the truth. The idea really scares me. I'm sure that whoever I tell, even if it's just one person, will never think of me the same way again. I don't want the people I love the most to think I'm crazy, or constantly depressed, or look at me like I'm some ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
So, my question is this: Should I wait until I'm more comfortable discussing the situation, or should I tell someone now, while I'm still getting over it? Besides that, who should I tell if I'm so nervous about talking about it with the people I'm close to?
I know exactly how you feel, Fionn. I can think of specific instances where I'd made really lousy desicions in my life, but I thought if I told anyone they'd be disappointed in me and, as you said, never see me the same way again. But the problem was, the longer I kept those things I'd done to myself, the more the wound just festered and infected all the other areas of my life. Each time, whenever I finally told someone, as hard as it was at the time, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. I think God designed us to find relief when we confess poor desicions we've made to one another. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." God has told us to find healing from our sins by confessing to one another. So, to be honest, I don't think that your waiting to tell someone will help matters at all. It'd just be like having a deep, open wound, that you just let it bleed and become infected, hoping that one day it will heal itself, when really, all that will happen is it will become a scar that will be with you the rest of your life. Wouldn't it be better for you to go and get someone to help you stitch it up, so that it can heal quickly and with as few lasting side-effects as possible? It takes a lot of courage to do that, but I think it will help you more than you could know.
I have one other thought for you to keep in mind. I think that the devil tries to cause us more guilt over our sin by making us feel alone in it. He tries to convince us that what we've done is so despicable that everyone would be disgusted if they knew we'd done it. But look at this verse: 1 Corinthians 10:13-- "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." This means that the temptation to commit suicide is a temptation that is common to man. Have you noticed how many people who have commented in here have said that at one point in their life, they too contemplated suicide? You're not alone in this. Hopefully when you tell someone you trust, they'll understand that you were simply faced with a temptation that is common. It's not like you invented a new breed of sin, you just let Satan get to you for a while, but then you overcame it. I'm proud of you, and I just hope now you'll be able to take the steps to find healing so that you can get rid of this once and for all. You're still in my prayers.
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
-
Yumie - Posts: 1939
- Joined: Sat Apr 09, 2005 12:00 pm
- Location: In a house
Fionn Fael wrote:Most of you mentioned in your posts that I should discuss this with someone face-to-face. I know that this is definitely something I need to do... But I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm too afraid of what my family and friends would think if they found out the truth. The idea really scares me. I'm sure that whoever I tell, even if it's just one person, will never think of me the same way again. I don't want the people I love the most to think I'm crazy, or constantly depressed, or look at me like I'm some ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
Hey Fionn,
As I read through your thread, I thought of a friend of mine who dealt with despression and even attempted suicide once. When I found out what she had tried to do, I cried. As one who's been on the otherside-- the person who finds out about an attempted suicide-- let me tell you confidently: disappointment is not the response. I did not cry because I was disapopinted. I cried because I loved this person who had tried to harm herself, and I ached because I hated to think of her ever hurting so deeply that the only response she could find was to end it all. Loving someone means bearing their hurt. Your parents exist to help you as you grow up. They want to help you. Please, I beg you, let them. Self-harm is, in many cases, an addictive pattern. You need people who understand where you've been, because those kinds of tendencies may carry through to your adulthood. You need mature people who are ready to hold you up when you think you're going to hit rock bottom. If I were your parents, I would want desperately for my little girl to tell me the deepest pains in her heart.
Hiding something like this won't make it go away. Someone going to have to deal with. Eventually, it will come out. Won't it be better if it happens now, when people who want to help you can. Trust me, I don't run around with my friend thinking "Oh! I bet she's gonna try to kill herself!" because she told me, but I can tell you that when I see cuts on her arms, I am equipped to say "Where'd those come from?" Previously, I wouldn't have even thought anything of them. We need people, especially our parents. Please, don't shut them out.
I know you've been through a lot. I hope even a little of this helps. Just know that you're in my prayers, and I will be praying that God will destroy the stress and hopelessness that caused suicide to present itself the first place as an escape.
Every year in Uganda, innumerable children simply. . . disappear. These children all stolen under the cover of darkness from their homes and impressed into the guerilla armies of the LRA [Lord's Resistance Army]. In the deserts of Uganda, they are forced to witness the mindless slaughter of other children until they themselves can do nothing but kill. Kill. These children, generally ranging from ages 5-12, are brainwashed into murdering in the name of the resistance and into stealing other children from their beds to suffer the same fate.
Because of this genocide of innocence, hundred and hundreds of children live every night sleeping in public places miles from their homes, because they know that if the do not-- they will disappear. They will become just another number in this genocide to which the international community has chosen to turn a blind eye. They will become, in affect, invisible-- Invisible Children.
But there are those who are trying to fight against this slaughter of Uganda's children. They fight to protect these "invisible children." Please, help them help a country full of children who know nothing by fear. Help save the innocence. For more information concerning how you can help and how you can get an incredible video about this horrific reality, visit the Invisible Children home page.
Because of this genocide of innocence, hundred and hundreds of children live every night sleeping in public places miles from their homes, because they know that if the do not-- they will disappear. They will become just another number in this genocide to which the international community has chosen to turn a blind eye. They will become, in affect, invisible-- Invisible Children.
But there are those who are trying to fight against this slaughter of Uganda's children. They fight to protect these "invisible children." Please, help them help a country full of children who know nothing by fear. Help save the innocence. For more information concerning how you can help and how you can get an incredible video about this horrific reality, visit the Invisible Children home page.
-
Mangafanatic - Posts: 4918
- Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2004 5:00 am
- Location: In La-La land.
Fionn,
First, thank you for sharing your painful story. That took a lot of courage.
Second, I think you've gained great insight from the experience.
Third, if you wait until you are completely ready to talk to someone about it, you will never be ready.
Now, the most important thing, and the hardest:
I consulted a very close licensed and certified counseling professional (namely, my mom, who has been doing professional counseling for almost 30 years) about your situation specifically. Because you've gone beyond thinking and actually into action (from 'ideation' to 'gesture', in the technical terms), she feels it is imperative that you consult a licensed and certified counselor -- she suggests a Christian counselor who is board certified, you can find them in the Yellow Pages or through organizations such as Focus on the Family -- and contact them directly.
As a client -- and this varies from state to state, talk to them about it first -- a counselor is not obligated to divulge any specific information to your parents. However, it is very likely that the counselor will want to talk with your parents -- it is an important part of the therapy, and the unfortunate bottom line, somebody must pay the bill.
Obviously, you are free to do as you wish, and no one here at least will criticize you if you are scared of doing this. But based on her experience -- and I invite anyone else on the board who can bring expertise like this to bear to either endorse or refute her advice -- she believes you should consult a professional. This probably is not a situation where, given even the best-intentioned friends or ministers, you can uncover all the elements that led to your decision yourself.
I will pray for you, Fionn. I encourage you to seek the help of friends and Christians, but also agree that you would greatly benefit from professional intervention. PM me if you have any questions.
First, thank you for sharing your painful story. That took a lot of courage.
Second, I think you've gained great insight from the experience.
Third, if you wait until you are completely ready to talk to someone about it, you will never be ready.
Now, the most important thing, and the hardest:
I consulted a very close licensed and certified counseling professional (namely, my mom, who has been doing professional counseling for almost 30 years) about your situation specifically. Because you've gone beyond thinking and actually into action (from 'ideation' to 'gesture', in the technical terms), she feels it is imperative that you consult a licensed and certified counselor -- she suggests a Christian counselor who is board certified, you can find them in the Yellow Pages or through organizations such as Focus on the Family -- and contact them directly.
As a client -- and this varies from state to state, talk to them about it first -- a counselor is not obligated to divulge any specific information to your parents. However, it is very likely that the counselor will want to talk with your parents -- it is an important part of the therapy, and the unfortunate bottom line, somebody must pay the bill.
Obviously, you are free to do as you wish, and no one here at least will criticize you if you are scared of doing this. But based on her experience -- and I invite anyone else on the board who can bring expertise like this to bear to either endorse or refute her advice -- she believes you should consult a professional. This probably is not a situation where, given even the best-intentioned friends or ministers, you can uncover all the elements that led to your decision yourself.
I will pray for you, Fionn. I encourage you to seek the help of friends and Christians, but also agree that you would greatly benefit from professional intervention. PM me if you have any questions.
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world." -- C.S. Lewis
-
ClosetOtaku - Posts: 927
- Joined: Tue Jul 06, 2004 3:12 am
- Location: Alexandria, VA
Mangafanatic wrote:As I read through your thread, I thought of a friend of mine who dealt with despression and even attempted suicide once. When I found out what she had tried to do, I cried. As one who's been on the otherside-- the person who finds out about an attempted suicide-- let me tell you confidently: disappointment is not the response. I did not cry because I was disapopinted. I cried because I loved this person who had tried to harm herself, and I ached because I hated to think of her ever hurting so deeply that the only response she could find was to end it all.
As someone who also has a friend who once attempted suicide (though before I knew them), I can only echo what Mangafanatic says here. I've been trying to think of words to say since I first read your post, Fionn.
"Intercession is the homework of the Kingdom."
-
RedMage - Posts: 863
- Joined: Tue Nov 01, 2005 10:34 am
- Location: Under the shed
I'll keep you in my prayers, Fionn. I can't say much that hasn't already been said, but know that God made you, He gave you life, and He wants you to live it. He values and loves you more than you could ever imagine. Never destroy something that God created and loves.
-
USSRGirl - Posts: 1266
- Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2006 11:14 am
- Location: In The Place Where There Is No Darkness...
Mangafanatic wrote:Your parents exist to help you as you grow up. They want to help you. Please, I beg you, let them. Self-harm is, in many cases, an addictive pattern. You need people who understand where you've been, because those kinds of tendencies may carry through to your adulthood. You need mature people who are ready to hold you up when you think you're going to hit rock bottom. If I were your parents, I would want desperately for my little girl to tell me the deepest pains in her heart.
I understand that my parents have a right to know, and that they would want to help me through something like this. But now that I've denied multiple times that I did this on purpose, I don't think I can bring myself to confess that I was lying through my teeth the entire time. Every time I stared them straight in the face and said, "No. It was an accident," I was thinking, Now they can never know what really happened. I don't even want to imagine what they will do or say if I tell them the truth.
ClosetOtaku wrote:I consulted a very close licensed and certified counseling professional (namely, my mom, who has been doing professional counseling for almost 30 years) about your situation specifically. Because you've gone beyond thinking and actually into action (from 'ideation' to 'gesture', in the technical terms), she feels it is imperative that you consult a licensed and certified counselor -- she suggests a Christian counselor who is board certified, you can find them in the Yellow Pages or through organizations such as Focus on the Family -- and contact them directly.
Thank you very much for asking her about my specific problem. I can't explain how grateful I am that you would care so much. But, at the same time... I honestly don't know if I can talk to a counselor or therapist about this. I would consider it more if I was all right with my parents knowing about everything, but... I don't want them to know. I really, really don't want them to ever find out. Goodness... I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Again, thank you so, so SO much, everyone. It was hard to divulge this secret, but you have all made it so much better. I appreciate your help more than I can ever hope to express.
-
Fionn Fael - Posts: 197
- Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2006 3:08 pm
- Location: Owl Freckles
Hey Fionn I shall be echoing everyone here when I say that I am so very glad that you decided to live! ^_^ In our world today people really think that's the easy way out.
People have given you such awesome advice...and I agree with them...tell someone!
But I also wanted to share with you some verses that have really helped me out of a bind.
It's from James 1:2-8
*huggles* you are in my prayers if you need anything just pm me! ^_^ I am usually on a lot.
People have given you such awesome advice...and I agree with them...tell someone!
But I also wanted to share with you some verses that have really helped me out of a bind.
It's from James 1:2-8
2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.
*huggles* you are in my prayers if you need anything just pm me! ^_^ I am usually on a lot.
-
ChristianKitsune - Posts: 5420
- Joined: Mon Mar 14, 2005 12:00 pm
- Location: In my sketchbook of wonderment and puffy pink clouds! *\^o^/*
Fionn Fael wrote:I understand that my parents have a right to know, and that they would want to help me through something like this. But now that I've denied multiple times that I did this on purpose, I don't think I can bring myself to confess that I was lying through my teeth the entire time. Every time I stared them straight in the face and said, "No. It was an accident," I was thinking, Now they can never know what really happened. I don't even want to imagine what they will do or say if I tell them the truth.
I totally understand what you mean, Fionn. The longer you bury the truth, the harder it is to dig it up again. But to be honest, I don't think your parents will hold it against you that you lied to them. I'd imagine that your parents would understand all the pain and confusion you were struggling with and forgive you for making a bad decision by keeping it from them. Especially if you go to them and say something like, "Listen, I need to apologize, because I've been dishonest with you. I told you I accidentally OD'ed, but that was a lie. I did it on purpose, because I was really scared and confused and thought I wanted to end my life. But I decided not to go through with it, and I wanted to let you know about all this so that you can help me through it." I don't think any parents who love their child could get angry over that. They could probably be really sad, as Osaka mentioned, that you'd been through enough pain to want to do this, but I think they'd be so glad that you decided to involve them in your life. Also, if you're really worried about hurting your parents, it might be better to think about what they'll feel if the truth comes out some day way down the road. I imagine they'd be more hurt if chose to never tell them but they still found out somehow than if you told them now.
I understand that this is a really hard decision for you, and I know I'd have a really hard time knowing what the right thing to do would be and choosing to do it if I were in your shoes. So, I'll keep praying that God will give you wisdom to know what to do and the courage to do it.
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
-
Yumie - Posts: 1939
- Joined: Sat Apr 09, 2005 12:00 pm
- Location: In a house
41 posts •
Page 1 of 2 •
- 1
- 2
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 226 guests