CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Ice


It was then that he remembered his first experience with ice, the cold, dead eyes, the

cruel smile, and the beautiful but evil features of her face. She was beautiful, but evil. Now he

was looking at her again. She seemed ready to strike, ready to freeze him with a wave of her

hand.

She made a crackling noise like that of frozen snow being stomped on. She then spoke.

“I have waited a long time for this.” Her voice was as hideous as her soul. It sounded like chunks

of ice being rubbed together.

“W-what do you want from me?” stammered the man.

“Oh it’s simple really,” she cackled, lifting her hand, “I want your life!” She closed her

fist and the man burst into shards of ice.

The boy watching this scene looked away in horror. How could this be? There is no such

thing as monsters. That is what his mother told him. He ran as fast as he could to his house. He

ran inside and went to his parents. “Mom, dad,” the boy said, “A man just got killed by a

monster!”

“Okay son,” his father said, “It is bedtime. Go to your room.”

The boy left, not knowing that his parents were rolling their eyes and smirking behind

him.

When the boy was finished getting ready for bed, he took a blanket and crawled under

his bed. He slowly went to sleep.

The boy woke up to the sound of screams. All throughout the neighborhood he heard

terrible screams. Each scream was cut off a second after it started. He then heard both of his

parents scream. A second later, they stopped.

He wanted, with all his heart, to crawl out from under his bed and see his parents, but

he knew they were gone. He stayed under his bed. A few moments later, someone walked in.

He wanted to jump out from under his bed and run away, but he knew that he would not be

fast enough. He carefully looked out from under his bed and saw an ice lady. This one was

slightly different then the first one he saw, but probably no less dangerous.

The ice women stayed in his room for a few more seconds then left. The boy breathed a

sigh of relief. He lied under there for a few minutes, then, it hit him. He thought he recognized

the man that he saw murdered. The man was a writer, he wrote a book about ice people. The

ice people came to a city and tried to destroy it. The boy slid out from under his bed, grabbed

the book, and flipped to the end to see how they were defeated. The book said that with light

they would melt.

The boy grabbed a flashlight and ran to where he witnessed the ice lady murder the

man. The book had said that once the leader was destroyed, the servants would follow. He

arrived at the spot and saw the same ice lady that had killed the writer. She was just standing

there. She had a gruesome smile on her face and was closing her eyes.

The boy turned on the flashlight and shone it on the ice woman. She slowly melted, and

as she did, the screams of the town died. All the screams were replaced by mourning cries.

I liked it c:
I think it might bee an eensy bit to fast paced towards the end (the part with the book and author made me go "Wait, what?".)
Maybe that's just me though :3 *shrugs* It kind of makes me think of Frozen gone horribly, horribly wrong.

I know, it was a journal expansion for school and had to be a page and a half long.

Okay, this is probably gonna be a long post but don't get discouraged about writing or anything just because of a massive amount of critiques. This story has potential.

marro1 wrote:It was then that he remembered his first experience with ice, the cold, dead eyes, the

cruel smile, and the beautiful but evil features of her face. She was beautiful, but evil.

You don't need to tell us twice that she is "beautiful, but evil." Just once is fine.

Okay, now you've started with one character recalling his history with Ms. Ice, and you could go somewhere interesting with it, but instead you switch pov characters mid-stride to the little boy. So this character who apparently knows something about Icy is completely wasted, and the audience is left hanging with a completely underdeveloped character. More on that later.

marro1 wrote:She made a crackling noise like that of frozen snow being stomped on. She then spoke.

“I have waited a long time for this.” Her voice was as hideous as her soul. It sounded like chunks

of ice being rubbed together.

Not a bad piece of writing, although I'm wondering how she made the crackling noise like frozen snow. Is it her laugh? Her breathing? The rustle of her dress? The sound of last night's burrito dinner making its way through her lower intestine? We may never know. Nice description of her voice, though.

marro1 wrote:The boy watching this scene looked away in horror.

This is okay, but there are more vivid ways to convey horror. For example: "The boy gagged and forced himself to look away." Think about what people do when they are horrified, and try describing that.
Also, again, you suddenly switched characters and now we're abruptly introduced to a little boy we didn't know was there. You can build tension by introducing the boy much earlier and making us worry that Icy might see him. You can also build tension by starting from his point of view and make us wonder with him: who are these people? What is this lady going to do to this man?

marro1 wrote: How could this be? There is no such

thing as monsters. That is what his mother told him. He ran as fast as he could to his house. He

ran inside and went to his parents. “Mom, dad,” the boy said, “A man just got killed by a

monster!”

“Okay son,” his father said, “It is bedtime. Go to your room.” The boy left, not knowing that his parents were rolling their eyes and smirking behind

him.

Aside from the clunky dialogue (Why doesn't his dad say, "It's bedtime?" Modern parents use contractions. Are we in a different time period? Where even are we? America? England? A mythical kingdom?), the way the father reacts doesn't ring true, partially because we know nothing about them. His father sounds like a robot. I mean, a lot parents wouldn't indulge what they believe to be a fantasy, sure, but most would at least ask SOMETHING about it. Is this boy in the habit of telling tales about murder or monsters? Because otherwise a parent's reaction would show a lot more concern. I get absolutely nothing about this kid's relationship with his parents from this exchange except that his parents are jerks who don't listen to their kid, so when they get killed off I feel nothing. And judging by the kid's reaction when he hears them get killed, he doesn't feel much for them either.
I mean, if you're going for neglectful, condescending parents, that's fine, but if so, that aspect of the relationship needs to be developed more.
But the kid's reaction is the most unbelievable. What child, after witnessing a brutal, unnatural murder, then having his words dismissed without comment by his parents, is just going to calmly change into his PJ's, brush his teeth, and fall into a peaceful slumber? I mean, he's not even like, "But, Dad!" No matter how authoritarian, abusive, or neglectful his parents are, no kid is going to let something like that go and head obediently to bed.

The boy woke up to the sound of screams. All throughout the neighborhood he heard

terrible screams. Each scream was cut off a second after it started. He then heard both of his

parents scream. A second later, they stopped.

thesaurus.com. Find some synonyms for scream, or find a way to consolidate your sentences. For example:

The boy woke up to the sound of screams all throughout the neighborhood. Each one was cut off a second after it started. Suddenly, he heard his parents cry out, then fall abruptly silent.

Good rule of thumb: If you can remove a word or turn two sentences into one concise sentence, you should. Pack as much meaning into your nouns and verbs as you can.
Aside from the style, what were his parents doing while the neighborhood was screaming? Surely they had time to react somehow. Are they big enough jerks that they didn't even bother to check on their son to make sure he was okay while the rest of the world is screaming?

He wanted, with all his heart, to crawl out from under his bed and see his parents, but

he knew they were gone.

Is this kid a robot? How does he feel knowing that his parents have been horrifically dispatched?

He carefully looked out from under his bed and saw an ice lady. This one was

slightly different then the first one he saw, but probably no less dangerous.

Description, plz.

The ice women stayed in his room for a few more seconds then left.

Now there's more than one?

The boy breathed a

sigh of relief. He lied under there for a few minutes, then, it hit him. He thought he recognized

the man that he saw murdered. The man was a writer, he wrote a book about ice people. The

ice people came to a city and tried to destroy it. The boy slid out from under his bed, grabbed

the book, and flipped to the end to see how they were defeated. The book said that with light

they would melt.

Way too easy. Are there no streetlights in this town? No cars driving around? Where do these ladies hide during the day? Isn't it convenient that the boy just happens to have the book written by the man he just happened to see murdered? And why doesn't he care that his parents are dead?

He

arrived at the spot and saw the same ice lady that had killed the writer. She was just standing

there. She had a gruesome smile on her face and was closing her eyes.

...why? Why is she just standing there? And how can a smile be gruesome? Cruel would be a better word. But really, why is she rooted to the spot?

The boy turned on the flashlight and shone it on the ice woman. She slowly melted, and

as she did, the screams of the town died. All the screams were replaced by mourning cries.

The ending is just too convenient, and the story is left without a point. Did the boy learn anything? Did he grow in any way? And what's the point of not giving him a name? Stories need characters, and characters need names. They need to be described to a certain point. They need to have personalities, histories, characteristics, relationships. There is nothing in this story for your readers to connect to, because you have only given us the barest minimum description of anything except Icy. It's an interest concept, but at this point it's nothing more than a concept.

Apologies, accidental double post.