CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

This is just a short piece I wrote for practice, as I haven't written anything in quite some time, and I am trying to get back into it. Let me know what you all think.


The man stood trembling, every muscle tense. Heart pounding in his ears like that of a thousand drums, he stared at the retreating figure stepping into the plane. The wind whisked by his face, a soft caress on the endless stretch of tarmac.
As a slow, sad smile played across his face, the man waved at the figure as she turned, her attendant wearing a frown of concern. As the figure waved back, she began to smile. "This isn't forever. We will meet again one day, you and I. It's just a momentary parting. It is most likely for the best...farewell!"
With this, she turned to step into the airplane, not daring to look back.
The man continued smiling, his eyes shining. Suddenly, his fist clenched. "I know pain is a part of life, and without pain no one would be able to appreciate the joy of love...but I don't want this to happen. I don't want time to steal you away like this." The attendant watched, wide-eyed, glancing at the figure, to the man, then back, when the man cried out.
"I love you!"
There was a gasp as the man turned his head away, unable to watch any longer. Then, the sound of footsteps, arms folding into his chest, and a muffled sob. Looking down, the man saw the figure looking up at him, tears streaking down her face, and a smile like that of a morning sun on her lips.

I really like some of your similes and metaphors, like in the beginning of the second sentence. It's a short scene, but I do like it. It sounds like there could be a lot of background behind it, which I like to feel in a story. Love scenes are almost impossible for me, especially confessions, so I appreciate a good one X3 very cute!

Destroyer2000 (post: 1448639) wrote:This is just a short piece I wrote for practice, as I haven't written anything in quite some time, and I am trying to get back into it. Let me know what you all think.

Firstly, welcome back to the writing forum. Haven't seen you around here in a while and I'm glad to see you haven't given up on creative writing. As to your practice piece, I can offer a few observations.

The woman is very stoic and since she has an attendant, she feels like royalty]The man continued smiling, his eyes shining. Suddenly, his fist clenched. "I know pain is a part of life, and without pain no one would be able to appreciate the joy of love...but I don't want this to happen. I don't want time to steal you away like this." The attendant watched, wide-eyed, glancing at the figure, to the man, then back, when the man cried out.
"I love you!" [/QUOTE] He sure is doing a lot here. He's smiling even though he doesn't want her to go. This suggests he's trying to be brave for her sake. Then he waxes philosophical about the complementary nature of pain and joy. This stuck me as unrealistically eloquent considering how upset he is. Then he confesses his unhappiness with the situation--he's no longer being brave for her sake, and turns away crying. The swing from toughing it with a smile to sobbing is pretty quick, which makes him feel childish, especially compared to the woman's stoicism.

There was a gasp as the man turned his head away, unable to watch any longer.

Who gasped? The attendant? The woman? Him?

Then, the sound of footsteps, arms folding into his chest, and a muffled sob.

His footsteps? The sound of arms folding to his chest--that usually isn't very noisy, is it? The wording/ordering of the sentence is a little awkward.

Looking down, the man saw the figure looking up at him, tears streaking down her face, and a smile like that of a morning sun on her lips.

He looks down and sees her? She must be really short! A child? Or maybe he's a seven feet tall....

Okay, so I've nitpicked quite a bit, but I think you're on the right track. Short exercises like this are excellent practice because they teach you about the effective ordering and economy of words through focus on one small scene. If you can discover how to effectively and clearly communicate situations and relationships in just a few paragraphs, you can carry that on into longer work with amazing results.

Thanks; no, she isn't a princess. I didn't think too much into it. And the woman was the one who was sobbing, not he. The attendant is a friend who is watching, unable to do anything for the two, yet wishing for their own happiness. And he felt the arms folding into his chest, not heard them.
I had to smile at the princess comment, though. This piece kind of reflected my own feelings to something at the moment. Someone untouchable, yet still longed for? It's pretty relative to life for me at the moment. In any case, I thank you for the evaluation; I see that I didn't clarify that some of my words were in the proper position.