CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Soo,yep! I just wanted to make a thread where I could write some of my writings be it poems or the like. I'm not that good of a writer but I don't mind criticism or anything. Heh! So,yeah,just wanted to share a bit of what I managed to put on paper or draft in my PC,Cell,whatever.



When I read these following poems I see that I am quite the amateur,I need to expand my vocabulary,and the poems don't quite flow as I'd like them to,but it's a start. ^^
It doesn't help that I wrote it one night were I didn't get any sleep till I wrote these. LOL! More like last night actually.
These are like the first draft,after several rewritings. XP
I might keep editing them if I get back to them.

-------
Morning Star, just before dawn
Seems so far, from were I am
It's no usual monotonous phase
This time I spend in star gaze
Is it foolish of me to chase?
To dream of stars,with all this space?
To think that of so many
This one so far,
yet, it's by the way it shines
the way it gives off light
All others are concealed by its light
As if the mantle of night was placed just for it
Created in thought of it
Just for this one to shine,
Just this one,


-------

I'm saving to buy a ticket
A ticket for a space ride
To go far into space
were the stars, and planets are
And from there I'll see
the earth, and all its seas

Still,all is fine
for one thing I wish to see
It's that which makes me wonder
To ponder,of only two things

Of God, and a morning star

hmm alright I'm going to suggest a few word changes without changing the meaning of any of these poems.

Poem #1 suffers only from one issue I think & that is the repeat of the word "light" in lines 10 & 11

What I would do:

Morning Star, just before [color="DarkOrchid"]the break of [/color]dawn
Seems so far, from [color="darkorchid"]where[/color] I am
It's no usual monotonous phase
This time I spend in star gaze
Is it foolish of me to chase?
To dream of stars,with all this space?
To think that of so many
This one so far,
yet, it's by the way it shines
the way it gives off light
All others are concealed by its [color="darkorchid"]eclipse[/color]
As if the mantle of night was placed just for it
Created in thought of [color="darkorchid"]this single lonely star[/color]
Just for this one to shine,
Just this one...
-----------------

I'm saving to buy a ticket
A ticket for a space ride
To go far into [color="darkorchid"]that endless expanse[/color]
[color="darkorchid"]where[/color] the stars, and planets are
And from there I'll see
the earth, and all its seas

Still,all is fine
for one thing I wish to see
It's that which makes me wonder
To ponder,of only two things

Of God, and a morning star
-------------------------------------

Please note this is just my thoughts but I tried to keep the original idea of the poems without getting rid of any of your genius. ^^
anyways...so there you have it...

Awesome! Have you done this before? XP

I liked your poem...it was quite good. If you want a challenge, trying writing in iambic. For example:
Morning Star, just before dawn
It's no usual monotonous phase
Seems so far in the celestial lawn
This time I spend in star gaze

You do a pattern of a,b,a,b. See how the ending word of every other line goes together? It is a harm form to use, but you might find it rewarding.

The only real problems I would fix have already been addressed....If you want to rhyme with "light", try "might", "blight", "sight", or "night".....

hmm the problem with iambic is sometimes you loose the free following aspect of your poems however... but then I'm partial to free verse... I should really post some of my poems someday...
anyways your call Amzi Live. lol and yes I have written poetry before...

Hey, I like the idea. ^^ I should try that. Thanks Phantom.

Awesome, Post some of yours AW.

^^ I have to log in more.
Here is another one I wrote yesterday.
-----------------------------------------

[color="RoyalBlue"]
These thoughts which clutter,and do not fade
These things which I face,they do not go away
The distance,this space
Have I gone insane?

Such emotion,yet I strive for devotion
I chose these words,those I cannot utter
This one word
Long overuses,trampled over,unchanged[/color]