Bithright

[choklit]

This is a story i came up with about a year ago. I recently unearthed it and decided to brush up on my writing skills. I had imagined it as a manga, but ended up with a novel instead. Since it's practice, I'll only do it as long as people want to read it. Kay, here goes, hope you like it.

Chapter 1

A breath of cold air and the telltale groan of the inn door pleasantly alerted the inkeeper of a new arrival. He turned, and saw a weather-worn cloak walking toward him.
"What brings you to town, stranger?" The inkeeper cheerfully greeted the newest guest. He recieved no answer, and he asked no more.
'A strange one to be sure,' he thought. The guest was most likely a trader, wearing a grey, hooded cloak and as silent as a tomb.
"Slave!" the inkeeper barked. A small girl appeared almost instantly. The inkeeper tossed her a key. "Take our guest to a room near the front." He smiled, trying to dicreetly peer under the dark hood.
"That is not necessary." The stranger murmered. Though his voice was low and deep, it sent a chill through the inkeeper's spine. "I'd rather have a room as far back, and high up, as possible."
"A-as you wish, sir." the keeper stammered, and handed the girl another key. The girl bowed, and backed to the guest's side, where she turned and led him away.
The inkeeper breathed out, unaware he had been holding his breath. "Now there's a body I'd be none too pleased to meet in an alley some dark night." he mutteres. A dark thought crossed his mind, but was quickly dismissed as his other customers called drunkenly for more ale. He gratefully obliged, all thoughts of the stranger disappearing.

"Here's your room, mum." The little slave girl opened a door to a warm, furnished room. A fire was burning merrily in the grate, and the window had a spectacular view of the full moon.
The guest nodded. As the girl back out of the doorway, the stranger murmered again in the same low melodious voice, "How do you know I'm a woman?"
The girl smiled, looking down. "You look too graceful to be anything but, begging your pardon." She looked up, hoping to catch a glimpse of her face. But the hood shadowed darkly, and the slave quickly looked down.
The guest merely nodded, and motioned for her to leave. She bowed, backed out, and closed the door.

An odd child. Most [I]krimir[I], slave, would be too cowardly to speak. She had all the manners of a subdued slave, but her slight forwardness was extremely bold for her station. It did not sound as if she was broken. Bent, maybe. Tired. But not broken. My mind lingered on the child for a moment, then gently pushed her away. Such was of little consequence to me then.
I should have been able to rest there for a few days. The Trackers would have gone off on the false trails I had planted, but they should be back on track soon enough. I had to make it at look as if I was at least trying to evade them.
I sat back on the sturdy mahogany chair, thinking. Things were heating up. All the pieces were in place. What I wondered was when they would start this game. Soon, I supposed. they had no real reason to put it off.
My hand clenched unconciously as I thought of the events leading up to this. So many years, so many generations, all working and waiting for what was about to come. Common folk seemed to throw themselves willingly into the game. Fools. Pitiful, hopeless fools. But most did not know any better.
The soft caress of the full moon gently shook me from my dark thoughts. I drank in its cool radiance, appreciating its silent reassurance. I colsed my eyes and thought to myself for a while.
A shadow passed, momentarily blocking the silver beam. I frowned. A tracker? So soon? When I saw a second shadow, then a third, I grit my teeth.
Stupid, stupid! I cursed myself as I drew my sword. It was no tracker. They traveled alone. I bounded down the stairs, listening to the dead silence that always hangs until they descend, hundreds upon thousands. then, the screams.


Okay, hope you like it. If you want me to write more, then please reply. otherwise i'll assume it's no good and stop wasting memory. ^_^

[Esoteric]

Your grammar and sentence flow are good. Your direction and pacing in the scenes also showed care--you didn't just gush unorganized thoughts at the page as I so often see younger writers do. In other words, you have potential as a writer.

As for the story, there isn't much here yet to judge. It's true that openings with drifters are fairly generic. Still, your story could become very interesting depending on how you develop your plot and characters. There are many ways to give old ideas a fresh spin. It just takes work.

If you want to practice writing, you should regardless of your response here. CAA's forum isn't always the best place for finding readers. Many simply aren't interested in reading/commenting for a number of reasons. Don't let it discourage you--you may simply need to find a forum with more interest in writing.

[choklit]

Thank you, I'll keep that in mind. As you suggested, I'll try some other place. Storywrite, perhaps. ^_^ Thanks again.