CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

I've gone through some pretty serious anxiety and depression. I got treated for it with medication and I ended up have a relapse and had to up my dosage, but I seemed to have gotten rid of most of my anxiety and depression. But here's the problem: I don't feel like myself anymore.

I've always been a relatively shy and quiet personality, but I feel like most of the...bubbly part of my personality has disappeared ever since my depression came along. I feel like it's more easy for me to get depressed and it's almost like depression left an emotional scar on me.

Can anyone else relate with this?

Unfortunately, depression isn't a disease or a virus that you can just take some medication for and eradicate. Depression (the clinically diagnosed kind, not the "oh gee, I just feel kind of down today" kind) is a neurological disorder. It's part of your brain chemistry and who you are. Also note that you're in your late teens, so your brain is still going through changes and things are altering, so your personality will change. You may have used to be bubbly, but older you might not be that way so much and you very well may mellow out considerably.

Depression is a struggle for any of us who battle with it. Whether we have minor cases or massively crippling cases, whether we have to be on all kinds of drugs to help maintain our sanity or if we go see a therapist or if we just self-manage. No two people deal with their depression in the same way or experience it exactly the same, but we all can identify with a common threads of the disorder. I recommend keeping your chin up and considering it as a possible change in your overall personality. If you see a psychologist, I'd mention this to them and get their opinion on it as well.

Xeno wrote:Unfortunately, depression isn't a disease or a virus that you can just take some medication for and eradicate. Depression (the clinically diagnosed kind, not the "oh gee, I just feel kind of down today" kind) is a neurological disorder. It's part of your brain chemistry and who you are. Also note that you're in your late teens, so your brain is still going through changes and things are altering, so your personality will change. You may have used to be bubbly, but older you might not be that way so much and you very well may mellow out considerably.

Depression is a struggle for any of us who battle with it. Whether we have minor cases or massively crippling cases, whether we have to be on all kinds of drugs to help maintain our sanity or if we go see a therapist or if we just self-manage. No two people deal with their depression in the same way or experience it exactly the same, but we all can identify with a common threads of the disorder. I recommend keeping your chin up and considering it as a possible change in your overall personality. If you see a psychologist, I'd mention this to them and get their opinion on it as well.

Thank you very much for the input, Xeno! That does help me out a lot.

Depression does leave you changed. It's a new thing to deal with when it flares up, and a new thing to watch for when it's gone. That doesn't mean you can't have fun anymore, or that you can never be silly or giddy again. It's just... different.

My advice is to try not to get hung up on how you were before the depression. It's really easy to think "Oh if only I was carefree like I used to be" and get stuck wishing you were still like that. But that's pining for what might have been~, which doesn't actually exist outside your imagination. Don't dwell on it. Focus on who you are now. If you're a little more serious nowadays, well, that's okay. People without depression go through personality shifts too. You're also, like Xeno said, at an age where you're still changing. I mean, I'm eighteen and I still feel like I changed significantly in the last year.

Don't freak out if you have a relapse, please (oh please oh please) don't assume a connection between your spiritual state and your emotional wellbeing, and get people in your life that you can talk to about your depression when you need to. Then just... live normally. Do hobbies you enjoy, avoid pastimes you don't, explore new things, learn, hang out with friends and family, whatever. Heed Xeno's post. And avoid caffeine. :>

Also, don't forget that who you are now is not and is never set in stone. You're 16. Who you were last year is different than who you are now just by virtue of the fact that you're growing and maturing, and who you are next year will be different from who you are now for the same reason. And depression does change you. It's probably best to look at those changes as a sign of healthy growth and change rather than a negative sign that depression has scarred you for life. I'd say never changing at all would probably be the worst thing for you, especially at your age. Get to know and value the new you. She's not in any way a lesser person than the old you.

That being said, depression sucks and sometimes it does leave you feeling broken and changed. But the thing about humans which is different from any other thing in creation is that we can become more beautiful through destruction and recreation. I believe there's a saying that goes, "through suffering we learn kindness" or something like that. Depression is awful, but even the experience of depression has value. It's just darn near impossible to see the value of it while we're experiencing it because it's so awful.

Yeah, I honestly feel the same way myself. I struggled with depression for many years (and in some ways, still do). Things have been changing for me though, as I've been trying to find a more positive outlook on life no matter what happens. Even aside from that, my circumstances have slowly but surely gotten better, but it's still sort've hard to imagine life without being at least a bit depressed. Lately, I've sort've felt like I don't know what I'm feeling, but at this point, I'm pretty much glad that the depression isn't ruling my life like it used to.

Overall, I think Yuki-Anne put it very well. Depression hurts, but nothing happens without reason, and I feel like I can see and appreciate more about the beautiful parts of life than I could before I suffered from depression.