Third Contest: Story!

[bigsleepj]

(the post was too long; Continue of Chapter 9)

The bus pulled over at a filling station. Everyone filed out of the bus while Link and The Cheat fill it up. Everyone noticed a shop across the street reading "Stimpy's Manga Emporium", which attracted them like flies to a barbecue. While they were walking across the street. Shatterheart, meanwhile, pointed something out. "You know, for the most part we're only men on the bus. We really should get some more of the girl members of CAA. If not, they'll never forgive us."

"Oh, aye," UC remarked. "Rev.Doc thinks they are in cahoots with his wife, so he might object, but I think it's a good idea."

Inside the store, behind the counter, was a small man who was reading volume 5 of Kenshin. He could not believe his luck that a bunch of Manga-fanatics could drive up to his store. Bigsleepj joined them soon, rather bothered by the fact that they asked him to be quick, only to find them procrastinating.

He approached the clerk. "Hello, do you have Rurouni Kenshin volume 5?"

The man looked at the only copy left in the store, which was now on his desk slightly to the left side of Bigsleepj. "Not yet, out of stock, that is. I mean it's not in yet. Out of stock."

Bigsleepj could not figure out what was wrong with the person, but he though "too much coffee". "That's too bad. Are you sure there are no Rurouni Kenshin Vol 5 here somewhere?"

"Certainly, certainly, yes, certainly, yes, yes, yes, certainly, yes." The clerk said.

Bigsleepj's head turned slightly in the direction of the volume. "Don't look!" the man yelled, but Bigsleepj did and picked it up.

"What's this then?" he asked sarcastically.

"That's a rare edition of volume five…er, I mean four."

"If it is volume four, then why does it have a five on it."

"Ah, uh, the five is, uh, well, what makes it rare," the clerk lied. "It's a miss-print, erratum, that is. It makes it um, valuable. Edition 4 printed as edition 5. It's for sale for $5000 and a bucket of rice."

The idea of owning a rare edition of Kenshin made Bigsleepj's heart bounce. "I got $4000 dollars and a partridge in a pear tree."

"Throw in two turtle doves, three French-hen's and five golden rings and you've got yourself a deal."

"That's very expensive," Bigsleepj answered.

"That's what this book is," the clerk said. "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. If you can't pay for it, buy something else. We've just received…"

"Please, can't you give me some kind of discount. Tourist discount."

"No," the clerk said. In fact, when he saw a bus pull into the place across the way, he quickly switched the prices, adding about $3 to every price; Tourist Tax, he calls it.

"Uh, erm, eh, I can challenge you to a riddle for the book," Bigsleepj said.

"Fat chance, fatty," the clerk said. He was getting impatient with the Bigsleepj, so he looked over the counter towards the unwanted customer's feet. The clerk then said "Sayonara!"

He pulled a lever and a trapdoor opened underneath Bigsleepj's feet. But the mechanism was slightly stuck and, without thinking, he grabbed the first thing in front of him, namely the tie of the clerk, which was not, thankfully, a clip-on tie.

"Let go," the clerk yelled, attracting the attention of the manager.

"Fernsdale," he said. "What in the world according to Garp are you doing pulling that lever! It's meant only for armed robbers and Carl Macek supporters."

Bigsleepj looked down and saw a Rankor below, looking hungry. "I just wanted to buy a Kenshin book! Volume 5! HELP!"

The manager, a tall man with a beard, a T-shirt and Doctor Martins boots (very old ones) was not interested in the customer so much as his employee, who was barely hanging onto the counter. "We fed him last night, I don't think another treat would be good for his cholesterol. You know what the Vet said; less red meat. I don't think the Doc would appreciate you feedin' this fellow to Cindy."

"Please sir, just help us!!!" the clerk yelled.

"No, you've made your bed, now sleep in it."

"WHAT??" Bigsleepj and Fernsdale yelled.

"Just kiddin', fellers," he said, and helped them out.

"Thank you," Bigsleepj said, and stumbled out of the shop. Two minutes later Samuraidragon comes in with Rurouni Kenshin Vol 5 in his hand. "How much did you pay for that?" Bigsleepj asked.

"$9.95," Samuraidragon replied. "The manager said it was the last one…" he could not finish the sentence because he did not like the look in Bigsleepj's eyes.

"Can I please touch it?" Bigsleepj said, shaking. "I just wanna…"

"UC!! A little help here," Rev.Doc called.

"Hyah!"

BONK!

And Bigsleepj did not wake up until the following day.

[Link Antilles]

LOL! Great chapter Bigsheepj!

You've inspired me for the next chapter.. I'll post it tommorrow sometime soon...

[Link Antilles]

Chapter 10: Starbucks and the lost one.
Location: Kansas
Day: Who care? We’re lost!
Time: 5:00pm


Current Cast: Link, the Cheat, bigsheepj, Rev. Doc, Jedisonic, Lightbringer, Shatterheart, samuraidragon, UC Pseudonym. Cbwing0


After dragging Bigsheepj onboard and several hours of driving in circles our heroes discover they are lost again unable to locate Texas. Suddenly the bus came to a stop and all that was to be seen was a man holding a backpack and a soggy, paper bag lunch standing near four buildings in the middle of nowher.

“Who’s that?â€

[PumpkinKoRn52]

I call next chapter. I'll post it by tonight.

[bigsleepj]

I'm glad you laughed so much, but I must express a bit of surprise. I had never really intended it to be a critical funny moment of the story... but to each his own, and I'm glad it worked.

Oops. How embarresing for me. Doh!

Well, my sense of humor leans towards things that come out of nowhere for no good reason. I find that funny. Maybe that's why I like Monty Python and such.

[PumpkinKoRn52]

CHAPTER 11: The Hitchhiker and the Truth About Bob
LOCATION: Kansas, on route to Texas
DAY: Who cares, we're not lost anymore!
TIME: 7:00 P.M.

Current Cast: Link, the Cheat, bigsheepj, Rev. Doc, Jedisonic, Lightbringer, Shatterheart, samuraidragon, UC Pseudonym. Cbwing0, PumpkinKoRn52

Unknown to the rest of the group, when Lightbringer said "Let's get this freak show on the road" he actually meant to pick up the hitchhiker dressed entirely in black laying in a puddle of mud in the road holding a sign that read "Beware of Sheep." The bus pulled up and opened the door. The hitchhiker got up and headed toward the bus.
"Hey, wear ya headin?" asked the creepy hitchhiker.
"Texas, if we can find it", said Lightbringer.
"Awesome, goin to Texas. I've got a friend down in Texas, with a first name of Leather, and he likes to run around with a chainsaw, in some old abandoned mansion. Mind if I tag along?" asked the hitchhiker.
Lightbringer replied, "Sure if we could find it."
"That's awesome" said the Hitchhiker gleefully, " Just head straight past that Starbucks and through that cornfield with the creepy scarecrow that looks like Freddy Krueger. And hey, could ya step on it, cause they're after me."
Who's after you? Please tell me it's not my wife!!!!!!!" said Rev. Doc.
"No, it isn't your wife," said the ever-growing creepy hitchhiker "unless your wife works for the tyrannical oppressive force that wants to destroy your individuality and make you a mindless obedient slave and they will kill you all so WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!! Before it's too late and they have you, those who wish to strip you of your free will by a power known as the GOVERNMENT!!!!!!!"

Silence took the bus for several minutes. Crickets started chirping. Someone finally broke the silence. Every one wished they had remained in that awkward silence forever when they realized who spoke.
"OOOOOOHHH, a caterpillar!!!" blurted Bob. Link awoke to Bob's inane drivel.
"Who's this guy?" said Link, half awake.
"I am PumpkinKoRn52!" shouted the more creepy than ever hitchhiker.
"What's with the number at the end of your name?" asked Link.
"It throws the Gov't off." Said PumpkinKoRn52.
PumpkinKoRn52 then whispered to Link " Be Wary of Bob. He is a gov't spy. The backpack is actually a thermo-nuclear warhead and the piece of cheese is a poisonous tracking device." Eavesdropping, Bigsleepj's eyes suddenly widened and he began to induce vomiting.
"If he's a spy, then why was he chewing on the seat, and why is he drinking out of a toilet?" The cheat barked in jealous rage. "Chewing on the seat was planting a microphone and now he's contaminating our drinking supply," said PumpkinKoRn52.
Link looked at the half chewed seat and took out a 3-foot microphone. "How did I miss this?" said Link. "We have to get rid of him, and fast!"

Bob returned form the toilet and thought to himself, "These fools will soon be under our Iron Fist!" He looked around. The bus was stopped in the middle of a cornfield. No one was around. "They will obey the fist!" shouted Bob in his mind. Bob peered out the window and saw a piece of candy. "Oh, how I love candy with needles poking out." Thought Bob to himself. He walked off the bus with his backpack and headed toward the candy. The bus door slammed shut and drove away. Children carrying sickles circled close by. Bob thought to himself again. "So, my arch-nemesis, PumpkinKoRn52, you were a caterpillar, and now you have emerged from your cocoon to be a shark, with a gun for a mouth." Bob pressed the self-destruct button on his backpack. After powerful explosion, one Starbucks employee claimed to have seen a naked man walk into the nearest Starbucks and take a person's clothes. The anti-terrorist assault team shot him and his wounds magically healed up. He then headed towards Texas.

Back on the bus, Link caught another nap, and the cheat proceeded to bite Link's fingers until he woke up. Lightbringer drove out of the dark, desolate, black hole of America's great country known as Kansas, through the wasteland of forgotten oil drills and ticked-off Cherokees known as Okalahoma, and on towards Texas, and PumpkinKoRn52 curled up in a corner and mumbled conspiracies to himself.

[samuraidragon]

Man this stuff is great!! pat on the back to everyone who has writen or is writing a chapter. Since Jedisonic gets to turn into a hedgehog can I turn into the picture Kovyn Alander drew? (click here to see what it looks like,or click here to see the revised version here) I guess it'll only happen in the zone

[uc pseudonym]

Oops. How embarresing for me. Doh!

Well, my sense of humor leans towards things that come out of nowhere for no good reason.

Ah. I can understand that.

Meanwhile, I'm liking the more recent chapters. And you've typecast the UC character exactly as I intended: randomly violent.

[bigsleepj]

Ah. I can understand that.

Meanwhile, I'm liking the more recent chapters. And you've typecast the UC character exactly as I intended: randomly violent.

Thanks.

Well, we've got to attempt having UC do something other than BONK! everybody on the head, since it's getting too repetative of late. What else could he do besides knoc everybody on the head?

[uc pseudonym]

Well, other than my frequent violent urges, I'm instrinsically a thoughtful and generally intelligent person. But that isn't very funny. No one has capitalized on the needing to eat massive amounts bits.

[bigsleepj]

Since now one is going to do it, I call the next chapter.

[uc pseudonym]

I call the chapter after that, or at least I think I do. All that matters is that we are in Texas and Ashley hasn't been picked up yet. Beyond that, any number of people may post further portions of the story.

[bigsleepj]

Hmmm. Not my best work (that is if I ever had something good in the first place), just another "plot developement" chapter.

Chapter 12
Day 22 (they took a long time to reach Texas)
Time: 4:45pm
Location: Hitch's Motel, Texas

Earlier the day they had passed into Texas and, since the bus was beginning to get crowded, everyone decided to stop at a motel for the night. As ominous motels go, this one took the cake. It had about enough room for each of the members so far, a small kitchen, and a giant castle on a mountain right behind it. Link and The Cheat just ignored the name of the post-box that said "Forth Worthless, Property of Doctor Victor Frankenstein".

It seems that Dr Frankenstein ran Hitch's Motel and surprisingly not into the ground. There was a full kitchen staff, several cleaners (who looked like rag dolls, but never mind) who talked, Bigsleepj figured, some kind of foreign language consisting of groans and grunts.

Dr Frankenstein rubbed his hands together with an evil smile as everyone signed in. "Hmmm. Revenue," he said, sounding surprisingly a lot like Homer Simpson. He even looked the part, only more devious. "I hope you all have a pleasant stay."

"Uh, thank you," Link said, his skin crawling.

Suddenly Frankenstein put his hand over his mouth. "Victor!" came a woman's voice. Link was not sure whether or not it Frankenstein who was making the voice or someone else. "Victor, are you checking in clients into the motel again?"

Frankenstein removed the hand from his mouth, turned around and yelled back "D'oh! Come one, Marge, it's my job!"

He replaced his hand on his mouth again. "Victor, you better not be talking to any girls. Listen you your wife, Vicky."

"The sooner we get out of here," Link said, "the better! This place is freaking me out!"

Howl! Woof!….Bark! said the Cheat. (I know, he's creepy! But don't worry. He's harmless….I think."

"You think?" Link said, eyeing Dr Frankenstein who was fitting himself with a long xenomorphic blue wig.

* * * * * * * * * *

Meanwhile Samuraidragon and Jedisonic were having an argument about who should share a room with PumpkinKoRn52 (weirdo) who did not look sane. They drew straws and Jedisonic went on to share the room. Suddenly, when they tried to leave the front door of the foyer, a swarm of black birds came and landed on a jungle-gym outside, looking straight at them. "Spooky, Dude," Jedisonic said. "I mean, cha, they look rather nasty, man. Like they're going to destroy us all, dude! Eat us!"

"I suggest we run to our room!" PumpkinKoRn52 said. They ran out the foyer, trying to get to the room. They threw open the doors with such a loud bang that it scared the birds away. The obviously over-exaggerated danger passed, Jedisonic and PumpkinKoRn52 walk slowly to their room.


* * * * * * * *

Later that evening, Bigsleepj ordered himself a large meal consisting out champagne, caviar, cheese (oh yes, cheese!) and assorted hamburgers, chickenburgers, boerwors, biltong and sliced bread (what is the greatest thing since sliced bread?). It was a venerable feast. There was also some Texas Tea in a cup, but it smelled horrible, tasted oily and was poured down the drain (good thing he never smoked).

Bigsleepj then heard a commotion coming from across the courtyard of his motel. He saw Jedisonic and PumpkinKoRn52 arguing heavily (he saw this because their window was open). Jedisonic was fidgeting with his lightsaber and PumpkinKoRn52 was clasping his sheathed katana as if he was about to draw.

Bigsleepj was about to react to this when he heard a burp behind him. He turned around and saw that UC Pseudonym, was sitting at the table and all of his precious food, including the cheese, was gone.

"Where's my food?" Bigsleepj bellowed with force that shook the foundation of the motel.

"I ate it," UC Pseudonym said, delicately. "Was quite tasty. Allow me to reimburse you."

Bigsleepj exploded (figuratively). "Mere money can not make up for the slander you have put on my honor by sneaking into my room and consuming my food! I challenge you to a duel!"

UC Pseudonym realized that this has been a bad decision to each the fat bearded man's food. "A duel? I'm afraid I don't duel."

"Why not?"

"Because you can't duel," UC said.

"Oh yes, I can!" Bigsleepj said. "I can duel with katana, sakobato, whip, pistol, sabre, rubber chicken and nuclear warhead! Choose your weapon!"

"You can't duel," UC said, "if you're in hospital with a CONCUSSION! HYAH!!!"

SLAM! BONK!

"Oh my!" UC said.

"Hahahahahaha!" laughed Bigsleepj. "You're continual knocks on my head have hardened the epidermis on my head! Any attempt at my head by anything short of a bullet will be ineffectual."

"Darn," UC said. "In that case, I accept your challenge. What rules should we follow?"

"I suggest the Duke of Malts Rules. One second each. Different weapons. No tricks. I choose the sabre as my weapon. I choose as my second PumpkinKoRn52," Bigsleepj said.

"I accept your suggestion of the Duke of Malts rules," UC replied. "Quarterstaff as my weapon of choice. My second shall be Jedisonic. When shall we fight?"

"Tommorow at dawn," Bigsleepj said. "I need my rest."

"Me too. Shall we first inform our seconds?" UC asked.

"Why not?"

When they gazed out their windows, they saw Jedisonic running around his room, panicking. "Did he kill his roommate?" UC asked.

Suddenly PumpkinKoRn52walked. "No," Bigsleepj answered. "Why should he?"

Reluctantly Jedisonic and PumpkinKoRn52 agreed, only because they felt they might bring sanity to a crazy situation. By the next morning everyone, Dr Frankenstein, included, had heard about the duel and had gathered outside the bus to try and dissuade the two duelists to stop their petty duel. UC was all for it, but Bigsleepj was quite petty.

"Ready when you are," Bigsleepj said.

"Ready," UC said, raising his staff.

"Stop! You can't do this!" Link said. "I wont allow it."

"Ah, good," UC said. "In that case…"

"Stay out of this, Link Antilles," Bigsleepj said, raising his sabre. "This sword was forged during the dawn of time when the oceans drunk Atlantis and the blood of Isildur ruled the West and it would cut through anything except . . . . sorry, can't say. But if you pass in between my blade and his staff you will be cut in half."

"Frozen jello," UC replied.

"What?" Bigsleepj said, his face white.

"Frozen jello is the only thing the Black Antler, the sword Bigsleepj is holding, wont cut. It's weakness is jello. So I filled the seams of my clothes, my pockets, my scarf and my hat with greengage jelly!" His voice was triumphant.

"Eeeew. You are wise, UC," Bigsleepj replied, astonished. "But frozen jello will melt, so you have little time to defeat me, and that's all I need. I'm surprised you did not begin to eat your own clothes."

UC's mouth began to water, then shook his head. "No, you will you trick me!"

"Bet you five dollars I will," he replied.

"You’re a baby, you know that," Link said and walked away. Everyone else stayed to watch or to stop the battle if everything got too far, but Link went straight to his room to pack up a few things and to refuel his bus. When he entered the room, he found waiting for him….Troll, who is after his skin.

"So, Link Antilles, we meet again," Troll said.

"What do you want?"

"Give me what ask of you," Troll said, "and I shall let you and your friends go. Don't give it to me and I will destroy you and the CAA! Give me what I ask for."

"Uh, do you mean this is all about that newspaper I stole?" Link said. "Well, I threw it away, but I could buy you a new one. . . . . OUCH!"

A blast of subractive magic knocked Link across the room. "YOU THINK THIS IS ABOUT A MEASILY NEWSPAPER?" The room shook as if hit by an earthquake. Plaster fell from the roof as well as portraits. "You are not only INSOLENT but stupid as well, Link Antilles! This has very LITTLE to do with the paper! If you had given me FROM THE START that I ask of you!"

"What is it?" Link said, slightly in pain.

"I'm not going to say," Troll answered.

"What? Why not?"

"Plot device."

"Figures."

"I guess," Troll said, "considering what's at stake, I could drop a clue. It is something you should have given me from the start."

"And what is it?"

"It is…oh bother, plot device." The "oh bother" comment came when most of the collected CAA charged into the room, swords and weapons in their hands. All except Bigsleepj, that is.

"You have not seen the last of me, Link Antilles!" Troll screamed as he ran out the window. "We shall meet again and you better give me what I ask!" He disappeared in a cloud of red smoke.

"We better leave," UC said. "His minion Peach Blossom is not far behind. I can feel him in my bones."

"Yes, we should," Link said, then noticed something. "There's jello leaking out of your pockets. Where's Bigsleepj."

"I caught him off guard and turned him into a whooping llama. He put up a good fight, but I was too smart for him. He's already on the bus and waiting to return to human form."

"We should get on it as well," Link said, then added. "I'm sorry for all the trouble I'm causing."

"Yes, well," Aaron said, clinging to his lantern, "would have happened sooner or later."

"Really?" Link asked.

"No."

[bigsleepj]

I call the chapter after that, or at least I think I do. All that matters is that we are in Texas and Ashley hasn't been picked up yet. Beyond that, any number of people may post further portions of the story.

I look forward to your chapter.

[samuraidragon]

*eagerly waits*
*and waits*
*and waits*
*and waits*
*and waits*
*and waits*
*and waits*

[uc pseudonym]

I apologize for not posting. My lack of a home connection has finally caught up to me, and I am unable to actually put together something coherent from a distance (now that we actually have some plot). Consider my request null and void. It is still possible that I may add another chapter, merely doubtful.