Legends of the Spam....

[Link Antilles]

For some it's coffee... others it's running up and down stairs that keeps them going. Me? Writing funny stories, duh! Anywho, I needed a small distraction to keep me going and I recall a funny story thread of a long time back in another forum... I've decided to bring it here with a CAA twist and your help...


So here's the deal:


Here are the rules:

1. This a funny ongoing story, that each person whom wishes to be involved adds a chapter. The story will be a comedy. Similar to the "Third Contest: Story!" thread.


2. Please follow the lead and similar style of the first Chapter.

P.S. You may write multiple chapters for the story! Just not in successive order. "not one after the other"


3. Each person to participate adds one chapter to the story at a time. A chapter being of at least... Oh I guess.. 300 words "give or take a few words ".

4. For the post to count as part of the story please put the following: the Chapter title and number. And optional: bold the forum member names.

5. Finally, please nobody take offense to anything or write something very offensive. This story is here to make you laugh. Just have fun, people! Ease up!



Get all that? Good.

Let's get to writin'!



Legends of the Spam
Chapter One: The Flood


*bangs his drink down onto the bar counter and slowly starts talking*


You may hear some speak of tales of ancient spammers. Giants among men that died out long before the civilized world. Several hundred posts a day was but a ripple in the ocean to them. Sounds horrible doesn't it?

But no need to fear, those ancient super-spammers were all captured and/or destroyed at the dawn of the second age, right? Wrong.

Some of them endured. The mighty spam king, UC Pseudonym the Sephiroth of countless postings and his three Acolytes, Volt, the blog bouncer, ShiroiHikari, the Mistress of the great avatar of Doom, and Straylight, the Master of M$ IE. (Please don’t hurt me you four Just having some fun.) Deep in the depths of forums long since forgotten they waited. Biding their time, practicing their art of spamming and gaining strength for what they deemed, "T3H F|00d". Or in forummite tongue, The Flood.

"Old fool. Go back to your dream world of falsehood and save us the displeasure of hearing your fairy tales", you might say, and I wouldn't blame ya! But I have proof! For you see, I was there, my friends. I was there, the day the strength of all the forummers was tested. It's how I lost... THIS. *turns around revealing eye-patch*

*gasps and whispers spread through the gathering of people*

On that fateful day, many long years ago, when The Flood struck. They spread their spam on thick, and entire forums were lost to The Flood's dark spamming powers. Our last remaining forces, including development, Ashley, oldphilosopher, shooraijin, Gypsy , Shatterheart, Lightbringer, and many other CAA members rallied and fought back against the Spam Lord. Yes, I was there too, a mere recruit… watching and barely surviving the battle. Our victory was near... but the power of the spam, could not be undone. Our great leader, development was struck down by UC. It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that UC's own adversaries, Volt, Straylight, and ShiroiHikari realized the error of their ways and turned against him. With our combined forces, the Dark Lord was vanquished and cast into the shadows. Victory was bittersweet. Many a good forummers were deleted or became guests in that war that was later deemed, "Project Server Move".


*turns around and goes back to his cup of ale whilst everyone sits in stunned silence*

Yet, this wasn’t the end of the age of Spam… more to this story there is…. For the Dark Lord returned again shortly thereafter.

*he lifted his hand and pointed at a person sitting in the corner.. hiding in the cover of the shadow*

The one in the corner… they know the story better than I!

OOC: All right, folks! Your turn to continue the story!

[AngelSakura]

Man, UC gets all the good roles in these stories...

[uc pseudonym]

What I get is all the villainous roles. What do villains do? Get beaten. Or in this case, sit around until some ring gets chucked into the volcano and then kind of just fall over.

Vaguely amusing. I cannot participate, as I am already overtaxed trying to assist in your other story...

[Link Antilles]

What I get is all the villainous roles. What do villains do? Get beaten. Or in this case, sit around until some ring gets chucked into the volcano and then kind of just fall over.

Haha, well, I can't help that you picked a Sephiroth avatar... If you are disguised with it, I've got an idea to turn you around... no, it doesn’t involve the dreaded plot device.


Anyways, if no one wants to participate in the next day or so... I've got an idea to make this my personal project and I request it then be moved to the writing section, if so, please.

[uc pseudonym]

If such is the case I will do so for you.

I like the avatar for the expression and hair, not the personality. Now I value consistency too much to alter it. Personally, it matters little whether or not I am good in this story. In the various plays and the like I have been on all sides.

[Ashley]

Chapter 2: the legend deepens

"Yes, I was there," a voice says from beneath a fine blue hood, stepping from the shadows. A slim white hand pulls back the cloak to reveal none other than Ashley, curled brown tresses pulled back and spilling over blue-clad shoulders. At her side rests a small sword, and across her back a fine elfin bow and a small quiver of arrows. "It was a harsh battle, and we almost lost. Many fought well, many died well. Inkhana fought against many foes, who never saw her feriocious claws coming (sorry about your eye by the way Link)...yes, the battle was nearly done with all our forces backed into a corner, when Zilch appeared, bringing with him wonderfully delicious muffins of energy."

"Where is this wonderous hero?" someone asked beneath. Ashley smiles.
"He has traveled with Shatterheart the Hobbit-Legged one (and his kilt of wonder) to destroy the one ring which shall rule y'all!"

The Grammarian clears his throat. "Don't you mean us all?"
Ashley glares at him. "Yeah that too. Anyway, they have gone questing far to seek out the all powerful Mt. Dew by which they will destroy the ring. But check out the one I got!" Ashley proceeds to show off her silvery celtic ring to the oohs and aahs of the crowd.

[Swordguy]

i wll be writing the third chapter as too not confuse anyone

[Link Antilles]

If such is the case I will do so for you.

I like the avatar for the expression and hair, not the personality. Now I value consistency too much to alter it. Personally, it matters little whether or not I am good in this story. In the various plays and the like I have been on all sides.

Thanks


Hey, it's an awesome avatar.... somehow it fits you. Like before Sephiroth went crazy, just calm and cool. I can never find an avatar I can stick with.... Anyways, I'm just going to wait and see where to take to story...

[Swordguy]

you know somehow i thought that some else was going to write two while i was

[Link Antilles]

Sorry for the double post, but I just remember something. *smacks head* We most likely will need to post a reply to reserve the next chapter, so this above doesn't happen again.

[Swordguy]

Chapter Three: The Plan

in walks a man covered in mail with a broad sword at his side. yes indeed it was him swordguy "you forgot about him"

*the crowd grows quite then looks back at Ashley for her to continue*

"I wasn't done"

*the crowd looks back at swordguy irritated*

"as I was saying you forgot about him" *points to a corner of the room with the soft drinks* "oldphilosopher the one who really turned the tide of the battle" "Sure it was the muffins that gave him the boost but really Zilch should have know that the muffins would have affected him in that way" "well anyway the caused oldphil to turn wildly insane and start killing rapidly fast rate. causing the flood to retreat giving us the victory"

*swordguy finally look at the crowd to see them all half asleep*

"WAKE UP"

"As I was saying after oldpill clamed sown the team form a plan, to seek down and destroy the people behind Flood"

[Link Antilles]

*stabs his knife on the bar table in anger*

I remember those dark days when Oldphil began his crusade to wipe the Flood from the lands. Although, I was not present… I read about the war in the announcement forum. Yet, I do remember more clearly when the Dark Lord returned… and the truth of UC.

*Turns his attention to everyone in the room*

For many long years, during that crusaded... I wondered the distant mountains, traveled in lands never seen by any man, woman or child here. If you had asked me then why I chose to do this, I could not have given you an answer. I felt as though I was meant to be seeking something. Now, having traversed such great distances, and having found other civilizations. I know now why I was made to set out on such a journey.

*bows his head trying to push onward through the painful memories*

These people that I cam across, they were known as the Anime Angel forumites. When I came across their land, it looked as though the earth itself had decided to cleanse its surface. The grounds were scorched, hill upon hill of villages lay flat... and the sky was darkened.

Only after diligent searching in the nearby wood, did I find any remnant of what indeed had been a great civilization. Naturally, I asked them what had happened to these lands. They were at first reluctant to answer. As if any speak of it may have somehow willed the evil to return. Finally, after seeing that my intentions were not of evil, they told me their tale. A tale of much terror and sorrow....

One day, 'twas but months before I arrived, a dark vale came over their lands. They thought it first to be a storm-front ... but after several days, they knew it was not made by any natural forces but by a great evil... looming in the distance.

Shortly after this...

*pauses for a brief moment to regain his composure*

He came. The Dark Lord of Spam, riding in the blackened skies upon a great beast of terror, followed by a vast army of what was once respected forum members. Ancestors long since past of the now dead forums. But they had been taken up by the darkside of the net. No, they were not part of M$. Far worse… Twisted and deformed into the creatures we came Spamites. Their only goal was to do what their master, the Spam King, wished of them.

The Anime Angel forummers were a brave and proud people. They all rose in defense of their land. But the evil power was too great. Their lands were soon destroyed and the small remnant of them that remained to refuge in the woods.

*Cups his face in his hands and wipes away the tears*

Man, woman or child it did not matter to the Spam King. All who stood in his way fell.

Yet, they also told me this…. It was not the Dark Lord UC’s doing… and it wasn’t he who had returned… then… they told me he was alive and being cared for in that vary village! Confused and afraid… I finally sputtered out the request to see him. They lead me to a small shack and to mine surprise…. There he was.. yet different… I sensed no evil in him… though, he had the appearance of a moderator whose account had been hacked! Dun Dun Dunnn….

* the crowd gasps in shock *



With these news that was hard to sallow… persevered and carried UC’s wounded body back to the Kingdom of CAA. I knew then it ‘twas my duty to PM the administration and inform them of the truth and the coming tide! The true Dark Lord has shown his face. He no longer seeks the domination of these lands ... but only the destruction of all that is good. The doom of man. He will allow nothing to stop him.

*drops his head to the table in sorrow and shame*

I thought the dark days at Mount. Dew was the end of it all…. But, those events only sparked the flame war. If only we had more muffins… mmm… muffin….


*jumps over the bar to search for muffins whilst the bartender protests and another continues to story*

[uc pseudonym]

Hey. Look. I'm not evil anymore. Thanks, I guess.

[Swordguy]

i will take five

[Swordguy]

"I remember the day well when Link brought in uc. It was two days after our Great Muffin Fight as we dubbed it latter. The hate I felt toward this enemy of mine was great. What little I had left of my family was gone thanks to this man's chaotic rampage. I was sent to live a life of site hopping for 2 years. my faith was almost depleted. Time and time again I looked to Jeremiah 29:11 for help. Then the unspeakable (to me) happened Link asked me to give this man a roof and take care of him. I was about to unravel my anger on Link. Then the Lord spoke to me. "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" "The Lord showed me my weakness that day and used my enemy to do it."

"I obliged to Link's request and took care of uc for the next week and a half."

*uc regains consciences*

"I remember you. You the person who injured me"

Far off in my mind came a memory of battle I had tried so hard to forget.

Swordguy: "But how that was 8 months ago. Before I had found this place"

uc: "It has been that long after our fight.
I had been terribly injured and wondered mindlessly for the next 2 and half weeks till I fainted from exhaustion. Then came a farmer from a near by village and keep me alive, for I don't know how long. When I was able to walk I started to help out the village farming and what not. Then I guess the Dark Lord found out about my where bouts and attacked the village. I held off the forces but still injured from our fight I fell into a coma and I woke up here with you in front of me. Where am I, is the village all right! Wow my head."

swordguy: "Calm down the village is fine you have Link to thank for that. As far as where you are, welcome to the CAA base. I would take it easy for a few days."

For the next few weeks I intruded uc to everyone in the base and helped him move around and get back into shape. I thank the Lord he brought uc into my life this me and him became great friends.

You know I haven't seen uc for about a year and a half now I wonder where he is.

* A figure clocked in black steps out form the back of the crowd*

*before uc could take of his hood swordguy tackles him.

Uc: "I heard you were in town so I decided to stop by to see you. Anyway continue the story"

Meanwhile Link, oldphil, Ashley, and the rest. Came back from one of the assaults on the camps of the Dark Lords army.

[uc pseudonym]

You know, swordguy, it is very good to see a new member such as yourself taking the initiative on such a project. Glad to have you with us. Also, glad to be in your section... I like your portrayal.

[Swordguy]

thank you

i have a question. you like my portral of you or the story? just courous

[uc pseudonym]

The portrayal of me in the overall story. As for the literary work itself... it is a hack-job of different members meant to be humorous and utilize multiple cliches. Personally I don't take it very seriously. There is nothing, however, wrong with what you have been writing.

Meanwhile: if you have further questions, they would be best addressed via PM. We've posted enough in this thread.

[Saint Kevin]

Editing is cool. So is grammar and spelling.