CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

I rarely post here because, well, I don't feel my problems are significant enough to warrant it usually. Also I totally have a LiveJournal to whine in, but I haven't been on it lately. Just not a lot to talk about in my life really. It's been pretty uneventful.

Which is, well, sort of the problem. Or one of many problems I suppose. This is going to be kind of a rambling thread, so you'll have to excuse me if I just don't flow well or really say anything interesting. I already kind of have a thread about this kind of stuff. So why am I making a new thread? I'm not sure. Probably because of PM conversations with a couple of people I suppose. I guess that's as good a reason as any. Also I just kinda need someone to talk to? That works too I suppose.

My life has been uneventful for the most part because, well, I don't really serve any sort of purpose or have any meaning to my existence. I had a job at the Census Bureau for a while, but I screwed that up magnificently so when the time came that they could extend my employment with them for later operations they basically said "Nah we don't need you" and that was that. Granted it was my first time being "management" to a degree and it's clear I sucked out loud at it. Not that sucking out loud at things is uncommon with me, but I digress.

So, here I am, jobless. And I need a job. Except, well, with things the way they are, you know how hard it is to find someone hiring. I could probably get a job at fast food, MAYBE. That would suck, and I'd probably hate my life just as much or even more than I do now, but I need money. And since I'm pretty sure God isn't going to drop sacks of cash on my house, it's kind of a necessity for me to find a job. Even if I hate it. I mean, it'd be nice if I could find a job I LIKED and didn't make me want to die, but I have a feeling the odds of that are about the same as the odds of those sacks of money falling out of the sky.

Oh yeah, I guess I could go back to college. That'd be a great idea, what with me not having the slightest shred of a piece of a fragment of a clue as to what I would major in. Oh and not having any money to go to college is a problem too. I could always get a student loan and be in debt until I'm in a nursing home though! Nothing like being in debt your entire life to show you're a college graduate. Yeah. College doesn't seem like a good choice unless God decides to drop a neon sign from the sky saying "GO GET A MAJOR IN THIS." I kind of doubt that'll happen, mostly because I suck at pretty much everything you can think of, and it's kind of hard to find a major that doesn't allow you to be good at anything.

So yep, running out of money and I really can't think of any good options. I can think of plenty of awful ones though!

Another problem I guess I have is that if you haven't noticed, I don't take compliments well. At all. Mostly because I have nothing worth complimenting. I'm none of those things people say I am...and less! To be honest, and this is going to sound weird, but I can't help it...it hurts when people compliment me. I don't like it when people say I'm cool, or funny, or awesome. It frustrates me. It makes me feel awful. It makes me feel worse than I usually do.

I know that sounds weird. It's because I don't see anything good about myself, and when people compliment me, it frustrates me because I kind of go "No, I'm not that, but I wish I was, and the fact that you're calling me that when it isn't true makes me upset because I'll never live up to that." I really don't like myself, and I think that's at least somewhat apparent in some of my recent posts, and even in this thread.

It doesn't help that I don't feel like I fit in anywhere, for a lot of reasons. I went into this in my last thread too. I'm not free to be myself here, and very few people know that much about my life. I have a lot of stuff, skeletons in my closet, that I just won't tell people about because they're a big part of why I feel so bad about myself and as far as I'm concerned they'd do nothing but make most people dislike me. It is a bit uncomfortable to say the least.

Anyway I've been feeling like this for a while now. I'm not suicidal or anything, nor do I want to die...death actually scares me, and the concept of afterlife and eternity scares me worse. I know that as a Christian I shouldn't be scared of that stuff. After all, my soul is secure. But even if that's taken care of, the unknown is still a bit scary, even if it's supposed to be awesome...and the fact that there is something that is literally incomprehensible to us as humans, even more so. I'm starting to feel a bit uncomfortable even talking about it, so I'll shut up now before I start freaking myself out.

So yep. That's about the size of it. That was long, and probably very boring, but I'm sure many people here read the whole thing. So...thanks I suppose? XD Anyway, this is the reason for the change from the Garfield avatar, the fact that my life is really completely worthless at this point. Even if I get a job, it'll be a crap job I'll hate and wish I didn't have because it'll make me miserable and it still won't make my life have worth. I'll just be a cog in the machine, not doing anything useful or necessary, since really my only options at this point would be fast food. Which is kind of like, oh no, if I die them they won't be able to make tacos as fast, surely the repercussions of the loss will cause lasting damage to people who need to get their tacos in TWO minutes instead of three.

Anyway I don't know how to close out things well. And I don't know that there's much I can say in closing anyway. So, I will just end my post with this sentence.

Praying for you mate, remember that Jesus can forgive you so you do not need to worry about all these things that is holding you down. Remember God made you and that He loves you. You are not worthless even if it might feel like you got nothing you're good at. I'm alot the same, I'm not good at anything special and when I start to work I have a feeling I'm gonna mess up alot like I usually do. But don't give up, pray for help and try you're best, I think you just haven't noticed what you're good at. People don't throw comments that you're awesome for no reason. Even if you got alot of faults you've probably been a light to that particular person, and that means alot! Don't give up man, someday you'll find a job that you love!

I won't bore you with words that probably wouldn't help you feel better anyway. But I'll pray for you. And if you ever want someone to talk to, I'm here. A lot. Probably more than I should be.

I'll be praying, Nate. I wish I could offer more than that. You are always welcome to shoot me a PM anytime, or IM, Skype, etc... if you ever need someone to talk to.
*tries to be a good listener*

Also, I do agree with you concerning the fear of death part. Anyone who isn't afraid of death and the unknown is (for lack of a better word) insane.

I do honestly hope that things look up for you.

Will be praying

I'll be praying!

Yuki-Anne (post: 1425120) wrote::(


I won't bore you with words that probably wouldn't help you feel better anyway. But I'll pray for you. And if you ever want someone to talk to, I'm here. A lot. Probably more than I should be.

My sentiments exactly.

Hey Nate. I can relate a lot to what you're going through. I don't really like myself (I don't hate myself or feel suicidal but...). If you ever need to talk PM me. I can give you my emails so we can chat sometime if you need to dude. Seriously I' not kidding you. PM me if you need to talk.

And of course I'm praying for you. ^^

Nate...It grieves me to hear that you feel that way. I want you to know that God loves you so much and has a purpose for you if youll let him show you. Right now I think you need to know that God made you just how he wished to and for you to think your worthless is terrible. God has a plan and loves you more than you can imagine. I can understand the bored part and worthleess going through the motions thing. I recommited my life to Jesus and had a nice little talk with him. Tell him whats on your mind. Whats bothering you and ask for his help. Humans cant save you and give you answers. You need to address your problems with God. I love you as my Christian brother and honestly hate to see you in pain. It hurts me. I will pray hard for you my brother. Please PM me if you need to vent or talk or whatever.

This is a great song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4kEZ1mh2jzg
This one too. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEqR2zlaDTs

Hey, Nate. I just want you to know that if you need to talk, feel free to PM me, anytime.

Praying.

Dude, I know what the crappy, pointless job thing feels like. I've been doing the housekeeping thing for the better part of a decade, all together. I'm only now finding out what I wanna do, and it's something I'll need a college education for, which scares the daylights out of me; the road to a bachelor's in Psychology is a long and difficult one, and last I knew, I wasn't that good of a student. But I really want this.
My point is, sometimes it takes a long time to figure out what it is you really wanna do. It involves a lot of grumbling, a lot of working a job you dislike or even hate.

It seems a lot of people here (myself included) can identify with the inwardly directed anger and dissatisfaction. The otaku subculture seems to be a magnet for us miserable sadsacks. All's I can say about that one is, we're all in good company.

I'm praying for you bro, and I really wish you'd give yourself more credit. That feeling of worthlessness is a lie, Satan's trying to hold you back. You're clearly a threat to him.

I will pray. Best of luck to you, man, in finding a job, and in decisions related to college.

I'll be praying for you.

Htom Sirveaux (post: 1425214) wrote: That feeling of worthlessness is a lie, Satan's trying to hold you back. You're clearly a threat to him.

This is something I've struggled with for years. I believed that lie from the enemy. I was told that by my mother and family members.

But that is not how God views us. Psalm 139, Romans 5:8, and many, many other passages speak of our worth in God's eyes. Remember that you were bought with a price --and Christ doesn't view us as worthless. Why would He have died for us if we weren't worth saving?

Even knowing this, I know the feeling well of feeling worthless/like there's no place for me. I just keep telling myself that God has a plan and knows what He's doing --even when I don't see how He could work or make something useful out of me --He does have a plan. God doesn't make junk. It's hard to combat the lies that people and the enemy tell us --remember the truth in the Scriptures --they are our weapon against "the flaming arrows of the evil one."

Feel free to PM or Skype anytime you would like someone to talk to. My schedule gets hectic at times, but I would happily talk with you whenever we both are online.

Nate, you're my brother in Christ, which I find very valuable. I prayed for you and I will continue to pray for you.
And now, I third what Yuki said...

I will be praying for you Nate. God is there with you, and He loves AND He likes you even when you don't like yourself. Again, I'll be praying.

Nate, I don't know you well. Can only say I have related to the words said, tried to kill myself over what said more times than I can count and well am being shown things by God. I know God knows how to "hit you" so to speak, where it needs to be. Will be praying

I have kind of mixed feelings about responding to my own prayer thread, the biggest of which is that I feel like it's a sort of "Hey pay attention to me look at me I'm doing something!" Eh, at any rate...

MrKrillz0r wrote:Remember God made you and that He loves you.

Oh I always remember that, and I'm grateful for it. It still doesn't do much for self-worth though. Although God's love is truly awesome, don't let it be said that I doubt that even for a second, loving people is kind of God's thing, y'know? I mean, God will love anyone if they come to Him humbly and in repentance. So...the fact that God loves me doesn't mean I'm any good. It's actually a testament to how awesome God is that He loves someone as useless as me.

I think you just haven't noticed what you're good at.

I'd like to think that, but I'm pretty sure it's that I'm not good at anything. I'm clumsy so I suck at working with my hands, I have terrible people skills so anything customer-service related is a bad idea, I have a horrible memory, and I'm not that smart. Probably the thing I'm best at is math. And even then, I'm only slightly above-average in it. I can grasp concepts easily enough, but I tend to forget them. To put it in perspective, I got an A in my calculus class when I was going to college and exempted the final exam, all without doing a single homework assignment (that professor didn't grade homework).

You might go "Wow that's incredible! Most people can't do that!" Yeah, I admit that. However, put a basic calculus problem in front of me now and I'll flail and strain and attempt to solve it and I won't have the slightest clue how. I've forgotten it all.

On top of that, I'm good at straight equations. I'm terrible at applying them. I mentioned I got an A in calculus without doing any homework? Yeah, as compared to my physics class in which I barely got a D and was always doing homework all the time. I can't use the equations to do anything useful, I can only do the equations. Most jobs require at least some level of application, I don't think there's many jobs that you can just sit down and solve equations all day.

Really the only thing I'm good at is making inappropriate jokes, comments, and doing inappropriate things. The only jobs those skills are good for, I have no intention of working. >.>

Mary wrote: Anyone who isn't afraid of death and the unknown is (for lack of a better word) insane.

I dunno I always felt that Paul and a lot of the NT was all like "Don't be afraid of death because you have Christ and death is powerless and all that stuff!" I dunno. Maybe they did more drugs back then. :\

TG wrote:I can give you my emails so we can chat sometime if you need to dude.

An appreciated gesture to be sure, but email is literally the worst way to get a hold of me. XD I can't even remember the last time I checked my email. I probably have like a thousand new messages. I'm usually on IM, though my number of IM programs I use has dwindled to two (those being MSN and Skype, YIM got too buggy and I hardly ever used AIM).

Josh wrote: It involves a lot of grumbling, a lot of working a job you dislike or even hate.

I already tried that though, I worked at the warehouse here. I didn't actually hate the job for the most part. That is, until the two months leading up to me quitting. When they were making us work 60 hour weeks, and wanting us to start working 70 hour weeks. I tried to do that for two months. I was miserable. I was always tired, I was always sore, I never had time to talk to friends. Twice, TWICE, I broke down crying in the middle of work. Literally dropped to the floor and started crying because I couldn't take it anymore.

I don't handle stress well. Getting another job I hate doesn't sound fun, especially given what happened the last time I had a job I hate. I like to avoid sobbing like a 5 year old girl with a skinned knee in front of people.

Satan's trying to hold you back. You're clearly a threat to him.

At times it feels more like Satan is trying to hold me back because I have a far greater capacity for evil than good. :\

Sheenar wrote:God doesn't make junk.

Wait but what about mosquitos? They're annoying, spread horrible disease, and scientists have confirmed even if we were to drive them to extinction there would be pretty much no negative effects on the ecosystem. o.o

Okay, now I'm just being contradictory for its own sake. Sorry. Bad habit of mine. :\

Yeah in case you haven't noticed, I make up a lot of excuses sometimes. Though, to me, they don't feel like excuses at all, because it's what I believe. Trust me, I know God loves me! It's awesome! I also know I have a lot of friends here. And I appreciate all of you! I really do. It's wonderful to have people care about me so much. The problem is that I really just feel like I don't deserve it...and I don't know that I'll ever feel I deserve it. This is another reason why I feel bad about bumping this. Because I kind of feel like, "No, no, don't bother with this, go and pray for other people that have value and are worth something and are better than me!" I realize it takes like what, two minutes at most to read this and offer a prayer for me? But to me, that's two minutes that someone else who's more deserving is missing out on.

I dunno. I've got problems. I think I probably said that somewhere.

Same goes for me from everyone else, feel free to PM or e-mail

Step 1 is to always find some method of generating self-worth in yourself. How to do that... well... I'm not sure at the moment. That would require us talking about it.

And second off, perhaps... I dunno if this works with everyone, but take a leap? Be risky. Maybe go to college despite the costs? See how that leads you. Again, risky. Just a thought. Not telling you to do it. XD

Nate wrote:I have a far greater capacity for evil than good. :\

Who doesn't? Isn't that what grace is for?

I have struggled a lot with personal worth. For whatever reason, it's always been my thing. That has been starting to change a little bit. I have the best people in my life that anyone could ever want, but even with that constant encouragement, it still took 6-7 years before what they told me started taking effect in a real way.

"Like vinegar on a wound is one who sings songs to a heavy heart. Like a moth in clothing or a worm in wood, sorrow gnaws at the human heart." Pro 25:20.

We have to be careful about what we say in these situations, even if they have good intentions.

I don't know the answer to these problems. If it is any consolation for Nate, you do come to mind a lot and I pray for you almost daily. May God's Grace and love somehow break through in a greater way.

Nate, if love was about deserving it, we would all be trash that nobody cared about.

I was wondering, do you do any work to help others? Like volunteering at a church or a homeless shelter or anything like that?

I have more to say than this, but I can't seem to word it right at the moment. So for now, I'll just say I'm praying for you.

I won't even deign to pretend that I can advise you on your problem man, as I'm still trying to figure a lot of this out myself but I want to tell you from the bottom of my heart that I'm praying for you. You're one of my favorite people here and I wish you all the best.

I just read John 9:3 - "Neither this [blind] man nor His parents sinned [resulting in this man's blindness]", said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."

Now, your situation, Nate, doesn't appear to be the same as the blind man's because you feel worthless, but really the lesson may not be much different: let God work in your life. And don't dismiss God's love as not attributing to your value because that's God's nature. God gave you what gifts and talents that you have for HIS glory. If He thought you needed certain talents and gifts, He would have given them to you. So don't judge yourself by what you CAN'T do. Look for what God WANTS you to do. And none of us really know what that is yet, so we'll keep praying for you to find it.

God bless you, brother!

Hey Nate, I just thought of something. It's kinda a challenge, or a little thought to chew on. In my class, I've been learning about making a decision for your life. The teacher told us that when we went to bed, that we should ask ourselves, "What do I want?" What do you want out of life? What/Who do you want to live for? What does Nate want?

EDIT: I know it sounds like a secular point of view, but if you think it that's kinda what it comes down to when making a decision, "What do you want for your life?" Just a little thought to chew on for a bit.

This is just a suggestion to try.

I'll be praying for you though.