What is the point?

[Aedin]

I'm so confused. I finally had hope. I believed there was someone out there for me. I believed we could get through anything. I thought I was building a friendhsip with a kindred spirit. I thought we could really relate, and that we were best friends. I really thought things were gonna be different this time. I thought I found the perfect woman. She seemed perfect. Until I found out it was all a lie and meant nothing to her, and that she just used me and lied to me and manipulated me like every other girl I've dated. Now I'm tossed back into feeling hopeless, overwhelmed, like every one I meet (not just women) will just get sick of me and abandon me, and that I'm just gonna be alone forever. I can't believe the past six months of my life don't mean a thing, that they weren't even real.

And for everyone who has mentioned this, I've been seeing counselors for two years. I've been on anti-depressants for about six. None of that really helps, when you can't trust anything anyone says, and can't truly trust you mean anything to someone, or believe what anyone says, especially when things like this happen, the person I trusted most, who I believed everything they said, just ended up being a total liar and I meant nothing to them. I don't know what point there is to trying. I feel like nothing's ever gonna work out, and I have more proof now, than I did before, that everyone's a liar, noone can truly love me or be with me. God sure doesn't have a woman for me.

She even ministered to me sometimes, helped my relationship with God. Even that means nothing to her.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Having a "perfect girlfriend" is only a bandaid solution, Aedin. Because if you have a low sense of self-worth, then you place all the value you have within your partner. Meaning you create a dependency because your only value is from another person. And that's dangerous, because people are broken.

You don't need a person. You don't need someone to love you. You need to have a sense of self-worth.

A personal "sort-of-remedy" I found in life is rather simple. Stop focusing on your own issues and concentrate on bettering the lives of others. To prioritize your issues above anyone else presumes that you are the most important person in your life. However, I believe that in the Christian faith, the opposite is true. While you have importance, everyone else is more important to you. To truly live is to love. And to love is to be selfless.

So how many people do you know in your life? Are they hurting? Downtrodden? Is their soul weak?

For some people, you may be the only Christ they have in their life. So do it. But of course, still take care of yourself. But just know what really matters in this world.

“Christian hope does not promise successful days to the rich and the strong, but resurrection and life to those who must exist in the shadows of death."

That's by Jurgen Moltmann. One of my favorite theologians and authors. And I believe what he says.

[Aedin]

You're right. I never thought I had a perfect girlfriend, or a perfect relationship. I just thought we could fix things, I thought I meant enough to her to try. And the way I was raised, and after all the "friends" I've had, the feeling of being meaningless becomes so ingrained in you, you can't get it out. Even if I knew anyne you're talking about, and even if I had logical reason to believe I was "the only Christ" to someone, I'd never be able to believe it.

It's just all really hard when I barely feel God's presence, I feel so alone all the time (and I hate being alone more than anything) and every single person I end up trusting, just shows me I can't trust anyone.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

Whether or not you feel God's presence is irrelevant. That's all just emotional perception, anyway.

People often forget that God can be dreadfully silent. But it's specifically that silence which means something.

What is done is done. The only thing you ought to focus now is building yourself and your character so that you can love the world. A selfless, powerful love. Not fickle emotions.

[Aedin]

You're right. It's just, I trusted her more than I've ever trusted anyone else in the world. Shared more with her. She meant more to me, tahn anyone else I've ever met. That's not an exaggeration. you're right, it was an unhealthy relationship. She meant everything to me. she was everything to me. Now I can't trust anyone. She was literally everything to me. She really made me believe there was hope, ya know? She made me believe I could find people just like me, who would love me, and stay with me, and be real friends, and all that stuff. ANd it's just not true.

What I really don't get, is I still fully believe God lead me to her. But everytime God leads me to a girl, it just ends up crushing me, making me realize more noone can love me, I'm meant to be alone, everyone lies to me or will abandon me, nothing will wokr out. Why does God keep trying to show me that? What did I do against him, ya know? Why does he want me to lose faith in everything so badly?

Sorry if I bother anyone by adding a lot to this. I guess my point was just, I finally had hope and reason to believe people could like me and love me. Reason to believe things could work out, after such a long time of trying to meet people, online and off, and having nothing work out. And nwo all that hope turned out to be a lie. I know I'm supposed to keep trusting in God and all that, but I try, and all that happens is I spend every day alone and suicidal, with no way to imagine anything getting better or working out. I'm so frickin confused.

[Lynna]

Psalm 27:10
“Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.” (NLT)

When people fail you, God is the only one who can make things right again. I'm really sorry to hear about this Aedin, but There isn't a lot we can do. People aren't perfect, so when you become dependant on a person, they will fail you eventually. But God is perfect, and he's always there, even if you can't feal him, he's still there and he will hear you. Even if he's silent. And I agree with what Mr. SmartyPants said.

[Aedin]

You're right Lynna. It's just really hard when I can't feel him. I've tried so hard, for so long, to find good friends, and everytime things go well, they end badly. It feels like all my attempts to meet people and make friends, just show me I'm gonna be alone forever, noone can truly like me or love me, or put up with me. That everyone will leave. And I know God's gonna be with me, but if I don't feel his presence, and all people show me is I can't trust them, I'm gonna be alone forever, noone can love me, it makes me want to kill myself, and that's so frickin scary, and now I'm rambling. It's just like, if I can't feel God's presence, and I can't have real friends, because noone can love me, or put up with me, it just feels like, what hope is there for me, what point is there to anything? nd now that my aunt has stopped talking to me, and I can focus again, I'll continue. It's like, my ex was my confirmation that I culd meet people like me. People who could love me truly share my interests, truly be there for me and be good friends to me and stay by me. And now I really believe, again, that none of that is true. And it's like, if I can't find anyone like me, who share my interests, who will be there for me and stay by me and be good friends to me, and I can't feel God's presence, then what hope is there? What's the point to anything? You're right about focusing on other people. And I love to help other people. It's just, people don't trust me, or they think I'm weird, so they stay awya from me. And if I go volunteer someplace, I can help physically, yeah, but I'd really like to help emotionally, and mentally. I'd like to feel connected to people. I just don't see how anything's gonna work out.

It's just, everyone I connect with, abandons me, or it turns out they were lieing to me, and were sick of me the whole time. And people in my town, aren't very nice. I'm just really confused, I don't get it. I don't get why God seems to keep leading me to events that will just break me down further, make me more paranoid and distrusting, make me trust him less.

I don't meet people easily. And everyone I meet, who I trust, leaves. And it felt like I finally had confirmation things could look up for me, and it was all lies. I don't know how to react to that.

[Tsukuyomi]

None of that really helps, when you can't trust anything anyone says, and can't truly trust you mean anything to someone, or believe what anyone says, especially when things like this happen,

You' aid you've been to counselors, but because of the comment above, do you tell them everything? Would a counselor be the same as a psychologist? If you don't totally open up to them, they can't help. No matter how long the story is.. If you don't open up completely to them, they can't truly help.

By all means, i was not saying it's your fault you're unhelpable, so please don't take what I said that way. I'll be praying ^^

[Lynna]

Just because You feel like there's no hope, does not mean there isn't any.
Also, about you not feeling God, theres a verse ( can't remmember where it's found...I think it's from James) "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you"
people aren't enough to satisfy your needs, but God can. You might not be able to feel him, but if you reach for him He Will reach for you. And also, God is the only answer to the question "Is there a point?". You might not be able to understand it, but You will.
I'll be praying

[Aedin]

You're both right. And I do tell my counselors everything. All I meant, is I wish I had some non-counselor people I could trust and talk to. Everyone I meet in person, they just haven't been good people, to put it simply.

And my point was, it feels like God keeps making things happen to destroy me, to make me lose trust in him, to make me suicidal, I don't get it.

She and I talked about wedding ring ideas. I can't believe I was so stupid. I just really believed she'd always be there for me. I really believed she'd always love me. She kept talking to me about how loyal she was, how stubborn she was. How even if I gave up, she never would. She told me a lot of lies like that. It's such a big change. I depended on her the most, really believed she'd always be there for me, would always love me, and it was all a lie and she just used me.

I've been talking to Lynna about God, on YIM. and I realize now, I don't think I believe in him anymore. and if I do, it's only out of necessity, not because I want to, or I love him, or anything. I think I'm going to hell.

Every single girl I've dated, has just used me and lied to me and dumped me once another guy comes along. I don't get it. I just don't know anymore. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I had like, other people, or another place, that I could trust, ya know? but everyone gets sick of me and leaves, that I get scared everyone will, so I can't reach out to people, even the ones who tell me I can. I remember thinking she and I wuld play a bunch of games together, talk about magazines together and books together and do Bible studies. I even bought her like five games. It wouldn't be so bad, if I had people who could take the place she did, or if I could believe she cared at all, and may come back eventually. But I just can't believe that right now.

[Etoh*the*Greato]

"They just haven't been good people"

'good people' is relative. It's relative to whom the person is dealing with and it's relative to your own personal perspective. Everyone is broken, as Fish said, and we all do awful things. Most people would say I'm pretty good people, but there are certain people I'm around that I just want to do awful things to. Me? That doesn't make me such good people in my mind at times. Additionally, if you listen to one half of my clients I'm a savior and a saint because I saved their homes. The other half believes I'm the devil incarnate because I work for a big corporation that is kind of trying to take their homes. It's perspective.

Allow people to be fallible, dude. No one's perfect. Everyone is good in their own ways and everyone is evil in their own ways. Meeting 'good people' will not necessarily fix you. Only you and God can fix you.

[Okami]

Just because You feel like there's no hope, does not mean there isn't any.
Also, about you not feeling God, theres a verse ( can't remmember where it's found...I think it's from James) "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you"people aren't enough to satisfy your needs, but God can. You might not be able to feel him, but if you reach for him He Will reach for you. And also, God is the only answer to the question "Is there a point?". You might not be able to understand it, but You will.
I'll be praying

You would be correct; I was just reading in James and came across it - James 4:8 - "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you..." The rest of the verse brings that into context, as well as the prior which says "Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." Fitting? I believe so!

[ShiroiHikari]

Aedin, you sound like a broken record. Why don't you get a Livejournal if you don't already have one? Nobody here will be able to help you, especially if you won't help yourself.

[Aedin]

Fine. Sorry I'm such a huge bother. Gosh. Thought it was ok to post here. Guess not.

[ShiroiHikari]

If you think you're bothering people so much, then why don't you do something to change? Guilt-tripping people into feeling sorry for you isn't a very good way to make lasting friendships. People don't want to be bombarded with such constant negativity that they can't do anything about-- most people have their own problems to deal with. Try listening to other people instead of dumping on them all the time.

[Makachop^^128]

Aedin, I'd like to talk to you soon if that's ok.

[Furen]

We're not against you but if you don't try to help yourself we sure can't help, we can't come out of the computer and do something.

[Tsukuyomi]

I'm with Furen and the many others who have said they aren't against you. Everyone is willing to talk to you, but if you keep thinking no one wants to talk to you/help you, you're just pushing those away who are willing to help you.

That wasn't meant to make it sound like everything's your fault, but that's what you are doing or going to do...

As for the not wanting to help yourself, you have to try to work past some of these things too. You said yourself that you have trust issues right? Your trust was broken in the past, correct? That's why you have trust issues today, right? If so, just because others have broken your trust in the past, does it mean everyone new that you meet will?

You seem to be trapped in a mindset (that you say you don't have.. ) that just because some others hurt you in the past, that everyone else will do the same.

I truly think if you let go of this mindset, you may find things to be different ^^ It's esaier said then done, but you have to try to let go of that ^^ Is there any reason why you're unable (or even unwilling) to let go of this mindset of yours? This is just my thinking, but are you afraid that if you just let it go, it'll prove that others may be right...?

Again, this post is not meant to make it sound like everything is your fault. If it does, then maybe there's something there you're not wanting to see yourself...

[Mr. SmartyPants]

You keep referring to your failed relationships. That's not gonna help you, Aedin.

Go and do what you gotta do.