CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Hello all,

I know i said that I wouldn't be on this forum much due to my own healing process that I am still going through. It is harder than I have ever imagined. I am trying to stay to the Father and not lose my faith or way as I go through this hard time.

The brainwashing I have suffered in my abuse is especially hard and the enemy uses every weak moment *which are many at this point* to use it against me. I also uncovered on top of my sexual rapes (daily), molestation, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, economical abuse and spiritual abuse, as well as manipulation, brainwashing and extreme isolation, I had blocked out physical abuse. That hurt more than the others as I am unable to "accept" my other aspects of my abuse fully on an emotional level even though I accept it on a mental level. However, physical abuse isn't something you can rationalize (at least it isn't for me).

It is both a healing thing to accept it as well as a punch in the gut so to speak. For those who with good intentions would suggest i put him in jail, I have no evidence other than my own word and it will not stand up in court. My therapist has also suggested against this as I am not emotionally stable to do this and would cause me much more psychological harm to even attempt this, as well as, the percentage of him getting convicted would be very very slim.

And while i do not want to seem like a coward, I have to leave his fate in God's hands and revenge in His hands as well. I do forgive my abuser and pray he will truly repent. God will judge his soul and its out of my hands now.

Please pray for me during this extremely tough time. I am unstable alot and my healing is just starting. Thank you for your prayers.

Love you all and God bless

Kunoichi

Wow, I seriously have no idea what to say. That's horrible.

You'll be in my prayers. I really wish you the best of luck and the strength to get through everything.

I'm sorry Kelly. =\
I havn't stopped praying for you. =)

You have mine

Do yuu mind if I PM you (or you PM me)? There's something I would like to ask you about all of this ^__^

Thank you for the prayers and encouragement it is much appreciated.

I struggle with the concept of Stockholm Syndrome as well. It is where abused or captives identify or even say what the abuser/captive did was right! I never thought it was right but I didn't know what to do and therefore had established feelings for the person (as a mentor and what not) even through the abuse. It is a very hard syndrome to deal with mentally right now as nearly all people think it means I enjoyed my abuse and somehow "seduced" or "wanted" my abuse. NOTHING COULD BE FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH.

Please continue to pray as I am learning how to understand that I have freedom now from all that whereas I did not have it before. I am having to learn to accept that I have a new reality that is free from daily and hourly harm, manipulation, rapes and more.

thank you all

Struggling with just going into self-harm and give up. This brainwashing is getting a lot stronger than I am....just want to say "i give up." I love my hubby, i love my friends but i hate myself.....please pray i am in a desperate time right now.

Definitely praying for ya Kunoichi, please don't give up! I believe God has a greater plan than what we can see right now.

God bless you!

love ya in Christ.

I'm sorry Kelly. But don't give up! You've come so far already!

You already know how much I love you and how much you mean to me.

Thank you everyone....

this is something I posted on another forum..hope this makes sense:

You call me brave because I so not run or deny what has happened, how I wish i was brave! I am scared, wanting to give up so many times (especially now) and wanting to run and hide. I want to so very very much. It shakes me to the core of how much I just want this all to end. And yet, I can't and won't stop. I don't know honestly why or how I keep going. I wish I knew, then perhaps I could make more sense of things. I still have the faith in my God and I know that might be why.

At the same time, some of said to me, to "count your blessings", "look on the bright side" and I understand the intention. I understand the most likely wisdom in this advice and yet I can't. Some call it self-pity, I call it "feeling". For me, this gut wrenching, out of control pain and sorrow is feeling. It makes me wonder if this what it means to truly be human?

I have felt and been taught that I am trash, sub-human, sex object, useless tool. Nothing more than a tool. Dehumanized, depersonalized, controlled and used in every aspect all under the eyes of society and with no ones realization at what was occurring. Needless to say I was a good little brainwashed "puppet". And yet, now that I have the freedom..I have been struggling with all my might and with all that i have left to understand and feel my own humanity.

It seems stupid and whiny and perhaps a pity-seeker to some. I don't care. I know...that even if i want to fight against myself and these emotions with all of my being...I know that this might, MIGHT be what it means to be human. And in some ways it sucks!

And yet, i can't help but wonder if at the bottom of my innermost being, that even in this suffering there is the joy of knowing that only humans can feel this type of sorrow and pain. That only HUMANS can make the fight that they are worth more than trash, even if another person says and teaches them they are not. It is so hard for me to understand, so mmuch so that half the time people say I'm fake. I'm making everything up and putting on a "front" - whatever the heck that means.

Rock on Kunoichi!

I'm praying for you. Please please keep on going!

Im praying for you. This too shall pass.

Keep going Kelly! I'm still and always praying for you! =)

If anyone thinks you're whiny, I will personally hunt them down and gut them like a fish!
From when I first met you till now, "whiny" never ever crossed my mind.

Roz (post: 1278253) wrote:Rock on Kunoichi!

I'm praying for you. Please please keep on going!

Roz,

Thank you for the prayer and encouragement. I am not one to give up but I do have those tendencies...especially when its so hard to keep going sometimes.

initialdfreak (post: 1278341) wrote:Im praying for you. This too shall pass.

Initialdfreak:

Thank you very much for the prayer

You said "this too shall pass" and while I KNOW you meant this as complete encouragement that what I am experiencing IS ultimately only temporal, to my scarred mind it makes it seem as if you are just trivalizing it. I KNOW you aren't, I really do so don't feel bad that I think this way. Its the brainwashing.

(my own thoughts) : i know things are temporal but somehow it doesn't help to know that. All i can see and feel is the neverending struggle and yet God is drawing me closer to it. "Weep when your friends weep and rejoice when they rejoice" (rephrased and I have no clue where it is)...this is something that I have seen used quite well and at the same time completely ignored.

I have those weep and mourn and grieve with me even though its everyday thing for me right now. Why they do this. I have no idea and think that I'm trash to be treated so well.

I have also seen people look at me, tell me my abuse was "exagerrated or fake" and that I'm just doing it for attention. This, I have to say, hurts the most as I am already sensitive to people's reactions and my brainwashing also adds input, even though I know they are just being stupid.

MangArtist (post: 1278610) wrote:Keep going Kelly! I'm still and always praying for you! =)

If anyone thinks you're whiny, I will personally hunt them down and gut them like a fish!
From when I first met you till now, "whiny" never ever crossed my mind.

I am glad I don't sound whiny. I am afraid that I complain to much about my own suffereing...I have some told me to "shut up" when i mentioned it (mang you know who I am talking about) even tho they quickly apologized it still stung.

For some reason, things normal people would just brush off have stayed with me...and I know part of that is PTSD adn part of it is brainwashing too.

Sigh* I am still in the muck, as they say, but I am writing a book on my experiences (Not as ego but as a way for survivors to have hope - even if their trauma was more horrible). Even if i don't "heal" the way other's want me to, I want to be there for others in their trench as they fight it out. I'm fighting too.

I'll prolly be putting my book into the writing forum so i can get some editing done for grammar.. (I'm so bad at it lol).

Thank you again for the prayer..sorry for turning this thread into a long thing again.

Kunoichi

God bless

Thank you for the prayer and encouragement. I am not one to give up but I do have those tendencies...especially when its so hard to keep going sometimes.

You're welcome.

I haven't been here long but every post I have read by you has been a non-quitter attitude, every one. You are not a quitter.

Will continue to pray.

Have you ever considered calling the police on this guy?

Mr. SmartyPants (post: 1279071) wrote:Have you ever considered calling the police on this guy?

Mr. SmartyPants,

I understand your thoughts and yes I have. However, as I mentioned in my first post, I am unable to.

1. Due to absolutely no physical evidence, so its all based on hearsay
2. His power in the community is quite large due to his training of the police in our area.
3. My therapist has suggested against it has I am not psychologically or emotionally able to handle that right now.
4. He has many to testify that I am a depressed liar which would turn the judge against me anyhow....he is very smart and very cunning or else he wouldn't have been able to psycholgoically brainwash me as he has OR abuse me without anyone noticing..including those who lived with him!

If i could, I would have this guy in jail. I would have him burn and castrated for all that he has done to others and myself. However, even though I'm sure he has abused people before, he is smart. he doens't leave evidence..even the physical abuse he did to me was ALWAYS in the martial arts studio so it could be considered "training" under the guise of many.

It makes me angry when people ask this (though I entirely know you meant this all with the best intentions and please do not be sorry for asking as it isn't your fault) because it makes me feel that they think like i"m a coward or too afraid.

Frankly, I was advised by an attorney and therapist that I would have practically no case since I do not have any physical evidence other then my word. Ultimately, the worst he would get would be sexual harrassment and that would serve MAYBE 3 months in jail. For that, and the consequences and psychological harm I could be under, its not worth it.

I am trusting in God that i will be able to put him in jail one day or that he will get caught or something will happen in this lifetime that he won't be able to hurt another person...i feel like a coward for not doing something....frankly, when people ask this question (and i get it everytime i tell my story) they think "oh well it must not be true because she won't get him in jail" or "then she is a coward who won't someone horrible away"..my shame is great for this even though I know that i am making the right decision for my own health. I have to trust that God will take revenge for me since me indicating justice is not possible.

...now i am spiraling due to this and sad...i feel like a screw up and coward who shouldn't be survived what i did or should just confront him and let him kill me as he wishes to do....but i won't leave my hubby behind and I defy him by learning to live my life as ME versus what he brainwashed me for.

God bless

while i don't intend to make this thread long again...i am dealing with coming to terms i have been raped close to 900 times in the last three years....i have no evidence...altho i am not sure if my woman organs work as they should and plan to get them tested prior to having children..

I know this number may seem unbelievable...i wish it wasn't true..Oh God how I have pleaded that the Life I have lived so far wasn't true and just some horrible nightmare..even if i was to take off getting raped once a week (which it happened nearly daily so i know this number is wrong) its still over 150 times...

I know people may not believe me because they can't see evidence...and i know people make up stuff...even if you don't believe me..please pray for more healing in this area..i'm shut down on this because its just a huge amount for me to even comprehend that i was violated that many times...

ty

I was trained to think that my self worth was only tied with how well i did things. As a direct brainwashing both from my abuser and damage done during my childhood. I am attempting to take me out of my comfort zone, please pray that I am able to keep doing this.

Thank you

Kunoichi

I'm praying. =]

Be praying for you sister. May the Lord be your strength. I hope you can keep reaching for the light and have courage for the future.
- Sincerely,
animewarrior

Thank you for your prayers..sincerely it means a lot..i'm trying to not be a slave anymore> i know the scriptures regarding this..but being a slave for so long, i have to learn that i have worth beyond what i was brainwashed to do or beyond being a tool for sex, work whatever.

Hang in there. I wish I could make all of this go away for you. I'm praying for you.

Roz,

thank you for your support. I do not have support here except for my fiancee. Others do not understand the impact of my abuse or just think by ignoring it, that it will be easier for me or make me heal faster. They couldn't be more wrong.

Instead it makes me feel more like a leper than someone of worth.

I am dealing with heavy spiritual battle. i am trying to get me and my fiancee to go to a church service this weeked. Satan has been very good at convincing us that we don't "need" church and we do need it. For us, we do.

Thank you all

Kunoichi

posted this at my other forum: (this is a secular forum)

I had something happen to me Monday that I know only a part of it. Now I do not wish to offend anyone, but this will contain my own faith beliefs, and own psychological thoughts.

I want to know some of your opinion, especially those who have had experience with depersonalization.

Monday night, I ended up regressing, dissociating and blacking out heavily. After I came to, my fiancee told me it was like I was a different person.

He said that my voice was like a little kid and I was talking to him. Apparently the things I spoke about were about how I had to "follow the rules" and things of that nature (part of my brainwashing - I don't remember much of this...although I do remember that I did it).

I remember the other part of me...the one who seemed to be fighting this part of me...when I was able to "control" myself..(i felt very out of control) I got scared, panicky. And the other part of me would laugh, saying how it was funny that this part of me was trying to fight for freedom, because it didn't exist.

My hubby and I started to pray. I believe in demons and while i don't think i was possessed, I do feel that they were oppressing me. As we were praying, I started to feel more in control and started to remember where i was and who i was with.

In my opinion, I also know that there was a psychological events going on (split identity or something) but at the same time I do believe that there were real spiritual as well. I'm not saying I was possessed and don't mean to say that everyone with split identity is..just saying i believe i was being oppressed.

So my question is..psychologically...what would this be? I was abused at 15/16 years old to 21 years old.

please pray...the above is happening alot...and it scares me

Im praying for you.

I read your post from the 17:th, and i share your opinion. 100%. This phenomenon (so to call) is something many people have experienced. You remember my friend Simon?

If you want, feel free to PM me. Altough my english aint at top grade, ill try my best!