CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Hey guys,

I'm going through a hard time right now. I know most of you know what has happened in the past. But if you dont, i was raped and abused for a while. Because the abuse was a lot of mental control, emotional and what not. I'm finding it really hard to trust myself. I have had someone tell me who I was for the last five years. So now I find myself asking other ppl what I should do, if this is right, etc.

I know that i am a child of God. I know that I am a warrior and follower of Christ. But at the same time, I can't help but ask God , "but who am i? What is my purpose?". I know God will reveal it to me and he already is doing that work but its still a struggle for me.

I know that it might seem stupid, not knowing who I am. And I get the usual response, "Well you'll figure that out when your older...your young..blah blah blah" That is a cop out to me. Those aren't real answers.

I want to know HOW I can trust myself...I get so scared when I try to do things on my own. I don't want to be co-dependent but...I still get flashbacks of the abuse. Of the blaming for literally EVERYTHING (including if he was running late for something or if the computer had a problem, everything...) I'm tired of people just saying to me well your a child of God. I know that..i get that and I praise God for it. At the same time...I want to be me. And I'm not sure who that is. I don't know how.

I'm sorry this is so long and I don't want to be a whiner. Sigh* This is my people pleaser coming out....another result of that abuse. I'm terrified of making people angry..when I made him angry..he berated me, guilted me, yelled at me and told me how I was such a screwup. Then told me he loved me in the same conversation.....

I know I should see a counselor and I'm going to try and save up the money to see one...oh and thankyou all for being so patient with me. I know i talk about my rape and abuse alot when trying to help people. Its the only experience I have. And if it bothers you guys..i'm sorry and i can stop talking about it so much. I know its probably not really helpful.

Please pray. While i have not wandered from the Holy One..I haven't been reading the Bible a lot or taking that time to really talk with Him. He is the greatest in my life and i know he will finish the work inside of me...even if i'm terrified as it happens.

For those that have read this incredibly long rant...thank you. God bless

Love always,

Kelly

talked to my mother in law...she said that it wasn't right and you just have to learn to do it. I know she's right...and this all may seem very stupid to people....but for me right now..I have not identity. I don't know how to act or what is righ (in terms of socially...I know morally due to the Bible - altho my abuser tried to screw that too)....sigh* thanks for listening for those that are.

I'll be praying for you Kelly, my good friend, I know for one thing , having PTSD from what my dad did to me, fortunately its not so severe anymore thanks to God. I had to ask God to help me search deeply for my purpose/mission in life and found it thanks to God.

It took time , but now I'm fully certain of my calling from God.
Happy Sabbath my friend, I'll keep praying for you

You are no burden to me, sister. I wish I had an answer for you to solve your dilema, but the truth is the only one with the answer is Christ. I know it's not the answer you were hoping for, but that's the only answer there is that I have to give you. Trust in Him with all your heart and He will make your path straight. I seriously advise you to read your word more. Other than that, I don't have anything else to offer you besides my continued prayers. May God bless you with peace and understanding, sister. Take heart, He has not forgotten you. I hope one day you'll find what you're looking for.
-SN-

I'm so frustrated!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I put on a smile, and yes its genuine and i still live...but i want to be defined...I want to find out who it is that I am.

You will my friend, God is with you as well. Still praying for you:thumb:

Man Kelly, you should really try to be more patient. Things like this don't get answered until a little later in life. There is a verse in the bible I think will help you. Quote from the King James ver. "Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." - James 1:2, 4.

I think you just need to work on patience a little more. Because the answer you seek will require a lot of it. I hope I was of some kind of help. ^_^

its not that i'm trying to just find my purpose...i'm trying to find out who I am as a person...to trust myself...the think for myself...I don't really know how to think for myself

The Holy Spirit leads us into all truth. This includes who we are and God's will for our life. I have been listening to a lot of faith CD's about letting the Holy Spirit lead your life. In particular I'm listening to "The Holy Spirit Leads: are you following" by Dr.Creflo Dollar, which I highly recommend if you ever got a chance. If you happen to have a PO box I would send it to you (I don't expect you to give me your home address).

But the thing is that in order to hear the Holy Spirit you must have some idea of His character, and this comes from reading and meditating on the word of God. I know that sometimes it can be a tough task, but it is essential and mandatory as believers to read the Bible because it is basically God's instruction manual for our lives. I am having a bit of a problem myself with God's will for my life and trusting myself enough to take risks. As proof, I'm somewhat afraid that I asked for a possible PO Box from you. And this is one of the many reasons why I must meditate on God's word often.

"Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful." - Joshua 1:8

I'm praying for you.

Here's the way I see it: you are the clay and God is the potter. Only God knows what you're going to become. I know it's frustrating not knowing who you are, but take heart. God knows what he's doing. Besides, getting to that point where you know who you are is only half the fun. Trust in the Lord and let him guide you in the paths of rightiousness that he has prepared for you. Who knows, it might be something better than you expected. I am still praying for you, Kelly. Godbless,
-SN-

Like I said before. Be patient. Remember Isaiah 40:31? If you wait upon the Lord, He will renew your strength. I'd go into this more but I think it would be better if you just talked to me. You know where to find me Kelly.

Thank you guys for your prayer and your patience.

Kamille:

I will PM you an address...I need everything i can get

SN: Thankyou as always for the prayer and encouragement

Sparx: I'm sorry if i upset you...I was just frustrated..but I will talk to you

So i actually talked to a person about my abuse...a RL person who i worked with (it felt different then telling Matt and stuff) and I think God lead me to...i was shaking and at the same time...it felt good to finally release some and just vent

He said something though that hit home. His friend had some similar experiences and he said that it must be so frustrating for you because your starting down here (put his hand down towards the ground) but people expect you up here (put hand up) and he said emotionally and mentally your like a little kid again.

I think that is finally what i was so frustrated about. I know i'm supposed to be an adult but I am emotionally and mentally (not intellectually) like a little kid. So i felt so happy to realize that. I finally know where to start!!! I'm like a little kid but i can grow and i'm going to approach the Word of God like a little kid too!

Amazing how God uses people. This person isn't even a Christian!!! Praise God

Stranger things have happened. That's how God works. In strange anf mysterious ways.
Praise God indeed! It's kind of like when you first become a christian, you take baby steps until you can begin understanding bigger things. You need to start with spoon feeding before you can go for the steak and the adult table. You just gotta take it one step at a time. I pray God will bless you with the fruits of his spirit and bring you through your healling with grace. Godbless and Godspeed, sister Kelly. Amen.
-SN-

struggling with abuse...looking for a counselor

Shilohan ninja (post: 1264858) wrote:Here's the way I see it: you are the clay and God is the potter. Only God knows what you're going to become. I know it's frustrating not knowing who you are, but take heart. God knows what he's doing. Besides, getting to that point where you know who you are is only half the fun. Trust in the Lord and let him guide you in the paths of rightiousness that he has prepared for you. Who knows, it might be something better than you expected. I am still praying for you, Kelly. Godbless,
-SN-

Excellent SN, I totally agree.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3:5-6

I'll add on that with prayer, meditation, and time in the Bible, the Holy Spirit will lead you into what you're looking for.

Also, seek God's face more than His hand during prayer, especially in your situation. Seeking God's hand is asking Him for help or to do something, which is still good. But seeking God's face is seeking and basking in who He is. I found my identity in the reflection of God's identity - even my practical identity. God is love (1 John 4:8), God is light (1 John 1:5), God is the life - or eternal life (John 14:6, John 11:25). And since we are in the children of God, we are a reflection of this identity. Remember this when discovering your path in life.

Still praying for you.

I couldn't have said it better, bro. It's like the song says...

I want to know you
I want to hear your voice
I want to know you more
I want to touch you
I want to see your face
I want to know you more

Keep on reaching for the prize, Kelly, and don't stop seeking his face in everything you do. I struggle with it, myself, but it's so rewarding when you do. Keep the faith, sister. Never stop seeking the Father's heart. It's the most beautiful thing of all.
You are always in my prayers. May His peace be with you.
-SN-

Sorry for the posts? Why would anyone need to apologize for bringing their problems here?

What would be the point of being a Christian if you couldn't help carry each other's crosses?

Praying for you, and for everyone else, is a joy. It's a joy I should share in more often, and I am trying to. I will pray for you.

You are not merely a 'child of God', Kelly. You are His beloved, His own, His priceless treasure. Never, ever, ever forget it.

Direct your attention to the sig below. Read it. Read it again. I put it there for myself, but I invite any and all to share in it. (not the MT quote, the other bit!) There are times in one's life when it is the most important verse in the Bible, and this sounds very much like one of those times.

EricTheFred (post: 1265143) wrote:Sorry for the posts? Why would anyone need to apologize for bringing their problems here?

What would be the point of being a Christian if you couldn't help carry each other's crosses?

Praying for you, and for everyone else, is a joy. It's a joy I should share in more often, and I am trying to. I will pray for you.

You are not merely a 'child of God', Kelly. You are His beloved, His own, His priceless treasure. Never, ever, ever forget it.

Direct your attention to the sig below. Read it. Read it again. I put it there for myself, but I invite any and all to share in it. (not the MT quote, the other bit!) There are times in one's life when it is the most important verse in the Bible, and this sounds very much like one of those times.

Ty my brother

And Kamille and Sn thankyou

I wish I could make my past go away. And a lot of people don't understand it and blame me for what has happened to me....

Sometimes people who have actually suffered abuse don't understand me...they don't like me talking about it...

I just...I hate that people want to keep quiet about it! Why? I mean it happened..let people know. I'm not saying use it as a way to have pride and stuff...but don't be silent ya know?

Sigh* i wish I could understand myself...thank you for the prayer...i'm having anxiety attacks and nightmares. I'm going to try and find a counselor even if i have to pay 100 every two weeks...i need something

Hmmmmm... y'know, what you're saying sounds strangley familiar to a book I read last summer by Ted Dekker. I can't for the life of me remember what the title was, but it was an excellent suspense thriller about an old town with a hidden past and a dark, vicious secret. I'll have to look it up and send you the title so you can find it, but it sounds a lot like what you're talking about when you say you've been rejected by other abuse victims. I'll try to get it to you by the end of the weekend or so, my schedule is a little hectic. I still take the time to check up on your threads and pray for you, so don't even think for a second that you're in this alone. May God continue to bless you with peace and joy in this hard time of trials and misunderstanding. Don't forget to study you word and pray. That seems to be the best medicine of all. Much luv, sis!
-SN-

hehe i have read every Ted Dekker out there so i'm not sure which one your talking about though lol ^_^

I have been doing a study everynight which I know is good.

I just feel like a kid right now and knowing i'm an adult and I'm at odds with myself.

i feel like people think i'm fake....at work they think i'm making up my back problems..i'm like i would rather them take it!

sigh* maybe i'm just a fool

Well, sometimes our closest friends aren't always the people we surround ourselves with every day. Sometimes, Jesus is the only friend you've got. That's why he tests us, to teach us to rely on him completely for our strength. I can't stress enough how important it is to keep studying Proverbs 3:5-6. The Bible also says to not conform to this world anylonger, but to trust and follow the savior and live by His standards. Remember the passage where Jesus uses the analogy of the daisies of the field? Look it up.
You are beautiful in God's eyes and always will be. So don't worry about what your co-workers think of you. You and God both know the truth, so put your mind at ease and give your cares to Him. Peace be with you, Kelly-sama. Godbless and Godspeed. Amen.
-SN-

So i spoke with a friend of mine last night.

I explained to him that the reason I am naiive/dense sometimes is because emotionally and mentally, I'm like a little kid. He understood and said that made sense since I had been isolated and abused for so long.

It really helped talking to him. The fact that he understood...even though it is really painful for me not to be at the same level as other people. In some ways its like i'm an innocent kid who was trapped in a bubble and another is i'm a torn adult who can't really function in this world other than to fake it. I put on a smile tell them its all fine and keep going. That is so incredibly hard! I know that the only way I'm able to keep going sometimes is because of God.

I know that the pain is blocked off, my mind is not ready to handle it.

Please pray, i'm calling a psychologist today and they work on a sliding scale so hopefully i'll be able to afford it.

This reminds me of a song you should listen to. Here's how it goes... (stop me if you've heard this from me already)

You come to me with scar on your wrists
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this

Just came to say goodbye
Didn't want you to see me cry
I fine

But I know it's a lie
This is the last night you spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you/they don't know you at all

I'm so sick of when they say
'It's just a faze/you'll be okay/you're fine'

But I know it's a lie
This is the last night you spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be

The last night away from me

The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on
Tonight
Tonight

This is the last night you spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be
The last night you spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go
I'm everything you need me to be

I won't let you say goodbye and I'll be your reason why

The last night away from me/away from me
[Skillet - The Lst Night]

I hope this song encourages and inspires you, Kelly. Godbless.
-SN-

Yea last night..I remember it..used to get me through suicide back when it first aired

^_^

Kunoichi, you are always in my prayers. Will continue doing so.

Got a psychology appt...tentatively if i have off work *smile might not be for another week ^^

God-inspired to save us from ourselves.

Despite the lies that you're makin
Your love is mine for the takin
My love is just waitin to turn you tears to roses
I will be the one who's gonna find you
I will be the one who's gonna guide you
My love is a burnin, consumin fire

No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear my whispers in the dark

You feel so lonely and ragged
You lay here broken and naked
My love is just waitin to cloth you in crimson roses
I will be the one who's gonna hold you
I will be the one that you run to
My love is a burnin, consumin fire

Skillet - Whispers in the Dark

Modern rock with a heart for the hurting and a message of hope for the broken and used.
May these replies continue to bring you new joy and inspiration each time you read them.
Godbless you, Kelly. I am praying for, always.
-SN-

Thanks Bro

had a breakdown last night..kinda good one cuz i started to at least have some "feelings" towards the abuse instead of blocking it. So that was good at least..

can't see psychologist for at least 2 weeks due to schedule

Sometimes a good cry is the best medicine needed. I know from personal experience.

Rejoyce with those who rejoyce and weep with those who weep.

Peace and healing, Kelly. The joy of the Lord is our strength.

Much love and many blessings.
-SN-