CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Okay, so, I need lots of prayer.

At the end of August, I broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half. This is most of the explanation I gave shortly after the break-up.

"[He] has very different ideas about God than I do - not in a way that doesn't make him saved, but in a way that doesn't mesh with what I know about God. I can't change what I know/believe, and he won't. And it's unfair of me to ask him to change when I never do. (Not that he ever asked me to, which made it more unfair to him.) I just know that the man I marry needs to be a godly, Christian man that I can grow with in the Lord, and pray with, and raise my family with the same ideals and ideas about God. And maybe a day will come when Garrett is that man, but right now he isn't. And I date for marriage, and I knew there wasn't a point going on when I didn't think it was going to work.

So, yesterday, he came over to my house and we just talked for a long time..Like, two hours. I cried a lot, because it's so hard to break the heart of someone you love and your own at the same time. But he understood - and we still love one another, there are no hard feelings - but we can't lie to ourselves and say it'll work out when it doesn't look like it can."

Those two ours we talked was, in my mind, the most intimate time I'd ever had with him. (Intimate in the sense of there being no barriers and complete honesty between us. I visit the conversation often in my memories.) Well, I was understandably depressed for about a week afterward, and we were remaining friends, and I started to ease back into single life. (He's the only boyfriend I've ever had.) Then it happened. Just about a month after we broke up, he started dating another girl. At first, I thought I would be okay. I soon found out I was very, very wrong. I spent two weeks in the worst state I've ever been in. I was getting scary, even to myself. I didn't know who I was anymore. I was constantly crying/sobbing, depressed, sick, and/or without appetite. Or angry. I had to exhaust myself sobbing so I could fall asleep, or my ceaseless thinking and sorrow would keep me awake. I felt abandoned, betrayed, and so, so alone. You see, I still love this boy very much. He means a great, great deal to me. And I believe I still mean a lot to him and that he still loves me as well. I would get so angry, with thoughts like, "Who could you, who still claims to love me and care about me and understand me, do this to me?" I've talked to my friends, trusted adults, my parents, and God. And nothing was easing my hurt. I even talked to the boy.

He 'broke up' with the girl a week later, though only to 'give me time', with full intentions of getting back together with her. And I don't want that. If he gives anyone time, he needs to give it to himself because HE needs it. To me, it was like he was saying 'It took me one month to get over our relationship that lasted eighteen times that!'. That's not entirely true, but that's how it felt. I wrestled with anger and heartache and jealousy and having my trust violated. Thursday night, I surrendered it to God, by writing four pages in my prayer journal. I've found forgiveness for said boy, and for myself. But it hasn't made the hurt any less - Because I do have such a love for this man, this boy. I figured out that he has the head knowledge of God - which it's biblically sound as it is - and not the heart knowledge of God.

I want to be with him again. I do. And I hope he does. I let him read my prayer (since it was my pure, raw thoughts to God, without trying to sugarcoat or avoid hurting feelings), and he hugged me for it. I wrote him a long note after that, basically saying that if he still wanted me, and if I meant as much to him as he says he does, that he'll come after me. And in order to get me back, and to find me again, he's going to have to go through God. He has to seek God to find me. And that he doesn't have all the time in the world to decide what I mean to him and what he's going to do about it. We're both seniors in high school, and I have no clue where I'm going to end up. If he doesn't come for me, I'm going to have to deal with the heartbreak again, and wait for another man that God puts in my path. And I told him I'd be patient, and that I would wait for him, because he means that much to me. If it were up to me and my emotions, I would run right back to him. But my reasons for breaking up were, I believe, still valid. And I really do want to spend my life with him. Because even though he hurt me so deeply, I still can't help but love him. Our relationship was far from perfect, but I cannot fathom having emotions this strong if they are not to mean something more. As of now, I told him that I'm not going to talk to him about this again unless HE wants to. I'm going to leave him alone and not pester him for awhile and see what happens.

So, I need prayer. And so does he. Above all things, I want him to encounter and accept Christ, so he can receive him and forge a relationship with God and love as Christ does, and in the way I always strived to love him. And that he'll have clarity and haste in his decision, that an urgency will be planted in his heart. As for myself, I'm still dealing with a great deal of emotions and hurt. I find myself thinking less about being betrayed, since I have forgiven, and more about what we had. Those moments, like prom, and our first date, first kiss, our last conversation as a couple. And I don't know if I have peace about breaking up anymore. Should I have worked harder? Did I give up on him too soon? Am I to be that beacon, that Christian influence, in his life, and as more than a friend? I even believe I received a sign from God last week in the Sunday Sermon (I'd prayed for one the night before), and our pastor preached on marriage and that it's a lie of Satan that 'people can't change'. So, I'm struggling with whether I really did do the right thing. Please pray for the both of us, and that God will lead us to one another again if it's His plan for us, or that He will give me the strength to love again and not miss out on the man He has prepared for me, whether it be Garrett or not.

Thank you all.

I did this picture over these past few weeks, showing both what I am feeling/have felt (red words), and what I want (white).

While I'm definetly not expert on these things, from what it sounds like, I'd say your on the right road....Just remember that God is truly only one who can heal a broken heart.....

U have my prayers.....

Lengai, I think you are doing what's right. As much as I'd love to see you and your boyfriend get back together, if he's an unbeliever, or someone who has really wrong ideas about God, then continuing in such a deep relationship is definitely a bad idea.

I'll be praying for you, okay? And I'll be praying for your boyfriend.

Defenitly praying!!!

I'm praying as well.

Thank you guys so much for the prayers. I have an update. He and this new girl broke up. She said she had 'problems' and 'couldn't deal with it' right now. The next week, she's back dating her ex. Garrett was understandably upset (she had told him that she was over her ex and wouldn't go back to him), and I think was pretty harsh to her. It wasn't so much that she was dating him again, it was that she was basically toying with him and just was dating him to be dating someone. No remorse, no apology. She just used him. And then I talked to him. I wrote a big long letter representing the gospel and being very tough and very blunt (with love, of course). I sent it to him, and we talked. And I found out that I made a big mistake. In talking about what I had thought was this incompatible difference, I found that it was not anything conflicting or even disagreeing with what we believe. Then I asked him directly about Christ.

Me: What do you believe about Jesus Christ, and if it is the biblical view of Him (being God in flesh, dying for our sins, and rising from the dead), have you accepted in your heart His saving grace and asked Him to be Lord and savior of your life? And to walk with Him in a relationship? Do you believe that? That’s the vital part of this. And if you do believe that, are you unashamed of it, and prepared to live it out to your best ability? That’s doesn’t mean turning into a Bible-Thumper or anything like that. It just means living with the goal to please God (Who, in addition to being savior becomes Lord and top priority) and be full of love. Following Christ’s example. It doesn’t mean to be perfect or restricted. We’re never going to get it totally right, but trying is the goal. And it’s all about love, not restrictions and rules. So, what do you think?

Him: Yep. He was sent by God to redeem the Fall of Man, and was also pretty much the embodiment of universal justice, to boot.

So, he believes the same thing that I do after all. It was all a horrible, awful miscommunication and misunderstanding. Now, he does need to learn to show it, I'll admit. He's not perfect and not exactly the ideal Christian. But we're on the same page. So, I felt terrible about breaking up at this point. Once I mentioned that this meant, basically, that we could get back together, I got denied. He said he needs time to get over the mess and hurt from this recent failed relationship. I don't blame him for that. (Of course, I did warn him in the first place that he didn't know this girl and that she was probably rebounding.) But he basically told me that he doesn't need me. And that hurts. It's not to say that we'll never get back together, but that I shouldn't get my hopes up. All because of this one-week failed relationship in which he was used. How can a boy really need to take that much time for something that barely lasted with someone he only liked, not even loved? It makes me think that he just plain doesn't want me and has his eye on someone else. Even though I love him and he knows he can trust me. It hurts. I'm upset with myself for not trying hard enough in the first place, and upset at this girl for hurting him, and upset because I'm so sick of being alone. I wasn't made to be alone. I even went as far as to dye my hair blue-black with what I think was the ulterior motive of attracting him to me again, even though I wanted to do it anyway. I just feel so alone and anxious. I took a nap this afternoon and dreamt about us. I day-dream about us. I love this young man so, so much. And I know that things aren't right. And I need his forgiveness, first thing. Please continue to pray for us. Thanks.

Regardless of how he feels about you, I think that you are still a valuable person to him. =)

If possible on your side without it being a burden to your heart, see if you can still maintain a close friendship with him and be someone he can trust and lay his burdens upon. Perhaps all he needs is time before he decides who to share his heart with. Maybe it will be you again, maybe it will be another daughter of Christ which God has in store for him. (If you feel convicted that Garret is not for you, then it would be wise to listen to what God asks you to do, by the way) If the latter is the case, then of course there is a wonderful man out there for you. All it takes is that thing we hate: Patience.

I too need to be really patient for one of my current trials in terms of a relationship. But if patience is what I am asked to do, then patient I must be; and yeah, it really really really sucks. So instead of seeking other joys, I have to find my joy in the Lord. =)

Okay, yet another update! Friday after school, I openly apologized to him for breaking up with him and the way I've been acting. Of course, as I knew I would, I burst into tears and couldn't stop. He tried to comfort me the best he could, assuring that he wasn't ever upset with me for it. I could tell it was awkward for him, though..

I talked to him that night and the next night about relationships, and love, and things like that. At the end of Saturday, he said he felt that our getting back together was much more possible. Sunday, we had a surprise birthday party for a mutual friend. Once it was over, and we were again talking (online), he told me that he had wanted to just grab me and kiss me at the bonfire (at aforementioned party). So, more talking then, and, basically, we're back together. Though kind of keeping it quiet right now, we are. And I'm so, so happy. I just really feel that I want to spend my life with him, and I don't feel God telling me otherwise. I've had time to think about him and our relationship and consult God over these past few months, and I knew fairly early on when we were apart that things weren't right.

I know he's not perfect, and that my parents probably think I should find a 'better' Christian, but I love him and I can't help it. I would like the think that we can both grow in Christ together.

Thanks you everyone, for your prayers and support.