CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Taken out of the protective and encouraging confines of school, and away from an amazing, albeit somewhat preachy, friend, I find myself falling again.

I was so close, so close to being able to hold my head high and say 'I love God, and I'm proud of it!' And now, I feel like I'm back at square one. No "God thoughts" have crossed my mind in weeks, I'm swearing obsessively, and the relationship with my parents is going downhill.

Suddenly it seems as though everything is falling out of control, and fast. I don't want to go back to where I was, that hateful, angry, teenager slipping away, but I can't seem to stop myself.

My previous addictions are coming back in full force. In the past week alone, I've gone through two packs of cigarettes and a bottle of wine, and can't seem to find fault with it.

I want help, but I don't want help. I want to be saved, but I want to live in my own hell. I want to be happy, but I don't feel like I deserve to be. I like myself, but I don't love myself.

I feel so completely and utterly alone, and it's petrifying.


~Kat

Hey Kat,

I know leaving school leaves you with a lot of challenges. I went through a loooong time of “troubled times” where I got up to a lot of nonsense. And even though I really felt kinda lost by God He brought me back in His good and perfect time. I pray that you will find Him though, and I’ll pray for your strength! In the meantime practice your self-control muscles, when you’re through this you’ll be stronger.

Sweetie, I know it really sucks that we haven't seen each other since school ended, but let me remind you of a few things, the most important one being that you are NEVER alone. Even if you feel like you're a million miles away from Him, God is always right there with you. Let Him in. Being confused about what to do and how to feel will get you no where and it's clearly wearing you out. Give it all up to God and let Him handle it. Believe me, He's big enough for the job.

Kat wrote:I want to be saved, but I want to live in my own hell. I want to be happy, but I don't feel like I deserve to be.

It's a funny thing, isn't it? We get so used to the patterns and norms of this world that say that happiness is strange and that suffering is normal and acceptable. We feel like we're fake if we don't have some sort of serious, ongoing issue. I've gone into depressive states before and that sick part of myself enjoyed it. We believe that suffering builds character, and though it's true in a sense it only builds us AFTER we overcome it with God's help.

If you can't stop yourself, let God do it. If you're confused, lay it all on God and He will clear you up.

You are wonderfully and fearfully made. The love God has for you and for all of us is deeper and more immense than we will ever understand on this side of heaven. He wants to take care of you. He wants to be with you.

I am now going show a little bit of fangirlness and quote part of a song off of one of the albums of this project that a band called Showbread released earlier this year. Basically, there are two albums, Anorexia and Nervosa. Anorexia and Nervosa are sisters and each album tells their stories. Anorexia commits her life to building a tower to get away from the world and to be better than it (which is paralleled by a real-life story where this sister is excelling in her career and should, by the world's standards, be happy). Nervosa, on the other hand, commits her life to digging a tunnel (and this real-life story parallels the hole that this sister keeps digging herself in, becoming nothing but trash). Both sisters, after letting all of this crap into their lives (and Nervosa especially) and after all of that utterly wipes them out, realize how much they need Jesus, or The Lamb as He's called in the stories.

I will now quote part of the end of Nervosa's story.

Nervosa wrote:Nervosa thought of the hole. She remembered the dirt and the blood and the flies and the rotting stink of death and how willingly she opened herself up for it to come in. "If you knew of the things I have done, you would no longer wish to be in my presence." Nervosa told the Lamb.
"I know all of these things," the Lamb explained.

And a bit later.

"I have been with you all along. You have not noticed me."
Nervosa now felt more ashamed than ever before. "Why would you still care enough to save me even after seeing the horrible things I have done?" Why do you remain here even now?" she asked, sobbing.
"Because, here is where you are. . ." the Lamb said softly, "And I long to be with you."

If God was willing to forgive and embrace us over and over again, we'd have no hope at all. But God is just THAT wonderful.

On a side note, I highly recommend these albums to you because I know you like this kind of music. You have to buy them at the store, though, because you need to have the story books that go along with them.

Lastly, I'll leave you with this.

The Beginning Nervosa wrote:And still the ghost of hope was haunting,
through the dark to save the living.
And still beneath it all I dreamt that God could be forgiving.

You have my prayers, my friend. God is, has been, and always will be there for you.
~Rushia

Praying for you!