I feel I'm Slipping
PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 7:49 am
I feel I'm starting to slip off into agnosticism... the more I think the more I confuse myself. And why is it most atheists come directly from Christian homes? Most people who tend to be atheist used to be Christian. Non-Christians who were never Christian tend to be more agnostic than flat out atheist.
I feel I know God exists but don't know if I believe God exists if that makes any sense. It's hard to explain. Anyway I've always been testing myself, trying to picture myself as an atheist to see what life without God is like to see if I am a Christian... since I've always been a Christian since like 8, I don't really know what its like on the other side.
Anyway... just thinking about all these things like how I believed them when I was little and they turned out to be not true, I'm starting to question myself here too. My cousin, I realised, who used to be a nice Christian girl when she was little... I remember her favorite part in this Cartoon about Jesus was when the boy called out his name. She cried and screamed to get her dad to watch Heavens Gates hells flames cause she didn't want him to go to hell... anyway, her dad kind of took her away from her mom a few years ago and now she claims to be an atheist like he is. So once saved always saved is bull IMO. And all these lies that people say... people are doing drugs cause they don't have Jesus... suicides... blah blah.. I don't think so... cause God doesn't make everything perfect once you accept Jesus.... And many people have gotten over these without coming to Jesus... Anyway despite all this I do feel sad when I see others who are not Christian and really want them to become one so they can be in heaven but I'm not sure about myself.
I'm kind of bummed I even let this get to me think like this... if I accept it then my whole way of seeing the world will change. But I don't really want too... and I can't really get myself to accept it... Just every one seems so blind and only believing this stuff cause they were born into it... I've always struggled with doubt after feeling extremely self loathing and bad a couple years, really finding what it ment to have a personal relationship with Jesus more than just "I believe in God and Jesus died for me and I'm going to heaven cause I said a prayer when I was three" listening to Skillet... but I never overcame or changed much... it was like I got stuck in the thirsting for God and never got any further cause nothing ever dropped and I finally got tired of trying to drink from an empty cup.... So I thought maybe I didnt do it right or I didn't really believe or I wasn't believing hard enough. I constantly cringe everytime my parents speak about God or whatever... not cause of the subject just cause its such spoon fed stuff and they didn't study what they're saying. They'll buy anything you feed them so it's not very surprising they'd eat up everything told to them at church or Conservative radio no matter how nonsensical it may be. And I don't see God shining out of them really anyway.
I like what I read in the bible. I dunno... I just feel mixed up. I'm not upset or anything. Just anytime I'm alone I'm either thinking or praying and I'm think about God and if I'm genuine in my faith or if I'm just lying to myself. And what about all the atheists who felt so much better after they just gave up and left Christianity behind them?
I know I should pray about this but it seems everytime I do little thoughts like to slip in like "what if you're just talking to nothing" or "its all in your head". God yes makes sense. I want to believe I just don't feel I do or know if I do all the time. And since I have such spiritual ups and downs I question it. When I'm in a "I love Jesus mood I love you so much" it tends to be because I feel good or something good happened. Or when I'm upset I question myself. Or if something makes me think from an outsiders perspective. Why do I change like the tides so much? Its all seems to be just mood swings. And why doesn't God strengthen my faith like I've asked him before?
I feel I know God exists but don't know if I believe God exists if that makes any sense. It's hard to explain. Anyway I've always been testing myself, trying to picture myself as an atheist to see what life without God is like to see if I am a Christian... since I've always been a Christian since like 8, I don't really know what its like on the other side.
Anyway... just thinking about all these things like how I believed them when I was little and they turned out to be not true, I'm starting to question myself here too. My cousin, I realised, who used to be a nice Christian girl when she was little... I remember her favorite part in this Cartoon about Jesus was when the boy called out his name. She cried and screamed to get her dad to watch Heavens Gates hells flames cause she didn't want him to go to hell... anyway, her dad kind of took her away from her mom a few years ago and now she claims to be an atheist like he is. So once saved always saved is bull IMO. And all these lies that people say... people are doing drugs cause they don't have Jesus... suicides... blah blah.. I don't think so... cause God doesn't make everything perfect once you accept Jesus.... And many people have gotten over these without coming to Jesus... Anyway despite all this I do feel sad when I see others who are not Christian and really want them to become one so they can be in heaven but I'm not sure about myself.
I'm kind of bummed I even let this get to me think like this... if I accept it then my whole way of seeing the world will change. But I don't really want too... and I can't really get myself to accept it... Just every one seems so blind and only believing this stuff cause they were born into it... I've always struggled with doubt after feeling extremely self loathing and bad a couple years, really finding what it ment to have a personal relationship with Jesus more than just "I believe in God and Jesus died for me and I'm going to heaven cause I said a prayer when I was three" listening to Skillet... but I never overcame or changed much... it was like I got stuck in the thirsting for God and never got any further cause nothing ever dropped and I finally got tired of trying to drink from an empty cup.... So I thought maybe I didnt do it right or I didn't really believe or I wasn't believing hard enough. I constantly cringe everytime my parents speak about God or whatever... not cause of the subject just cause its such spoon fed stuff and they didn't study what they're saying. They'll buy anything you feed them so it's not very surprising they'd eat up everything told to them at church or Conservative radio no matter how nonsensical it may be. And I don't see God shining out of them really anyway.
I like what I read in the bible. I dunno... I just feel mixed up. I'm not upset or anything. Just anytime I'm alone I'm either thinking or praying and I'm think about God and if I'm genuine in my faith or if I'm just lying to myself. And what about all the atheists who felt so much better after they just gave up and left Christianity behind them?
I know I should pray about this but it seems everytime I do little thoughts like to slip in like "what if you're just talking to nothing" or "its all in your head". God yes makes sense. I want to believe I just don't feel I do or know if I do all the time. And since I have such spiritual ups and downs I question it. When I'm in a "I love Jesus mood I love you so much" it tends to be because I feel good or something good happened. Or when I'm upset I question myself. Or if something makes me think from an outsiders perspective. Why do I change like the tides so much? Its all seems to be just mood swings. And why doesn't God strengthen my faith like I've asked him before?