CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

okay, I know that everyone is probably tired of hearing from me, but I am at a point now where I am simply lost and I need help. I have so much going on in my life right now and all of my seeking (prayer, reading the Bible, talking with spiritually mature people I trust, listening to messages from my favorite preachers, reading other spiritual material (books by Dr. Dobson, Joyce Meyer, Kenneth Copeland, etc...) has still left me with so much confusion and pain.

My fiance moved back to Pennsylvania. I knew that he needed to go, because he has so much that needs to be done in his heart to become the man he is called to be, but it hurt to see him go... Now, I am feeling so stagnant... I thought that finally being obedient, by us separating (and thus leaving behind an improper physical relationship) would open my heart to more instruction and blessing, but... instead, the *feelings* and the *thoughts* are bombarding me...

I even slipped up in my determination to purge lust from my life... I found remnants of some hentai and porn that my fiance left on the PC (he has a bad problem with that, and sadder still, feels no conviction or remorse) and was morbidly curious as to what he was looking at... well, long story short, I should have just deleted everything and never looked. It was a blow to my spirit to fall in such a way...

Over and above that, he informed me that for the next few days, he will be staying in the home of the woman that he cheated on my with, his ex girlfriend. He did this without any thought as to how much it would hurt me, thinking himself justified because he has declared himself changed and faithful to me only. I don't *feel* that anything improper is going on, but... the fact that he would stay with her, after all of the pain and strife that his unfaithfulness caused, was so blatantly disrespectful and disregarding of my feelings. I am left with the desperate fear that he will never be willing to put me above his own self...

And then there is another issue... one that I am not yet at liberty to openly discuss... Suffice to say, it is a life changing incident, and the implications will follow me for many years to come... I am terribly troubled with the choices I have made and frantically crying out to God to show me which way to go now...

I am desperate for a word from God in this... I need to know what I am doing wrong and what He wants for me to do from here... Is there anyone who can offer me encouragement, or prayer or a solution to the spiritual lethargy that is plaguing me...

I appreciate any help that you guys can give... I know this forum to be a place where the Love of God is available in each post, from each member...
God bless all of you.

Neko

I will keep you in my prayers. God Bless you and hope everything works out.

From what you present, your worst problem is your boyfriend. I think he's the cause of your spiritual lethargy. No remorse for hentai, and living (even if not cheating) with another woman seems too much to hang on too. I think that's what's causing your pain. I don't want to come across as not understanding, but I think it's time you broke up with your boyfriend. Find someone else to be your boyfriend who shows fundamentally basic spiritual sensitivity. I mean, not even feeling REMORSE for hentai when someone else knows about it? That's too much.

As for the lust, and the thoughts and moods... (I assume at my risk that the thoughts and moods are... 'thoughts' of your boyfriend) I can only repeat what I've told other guys before. Tell a friend in the REAL world about your problem with lust. Hard, I know, but I promise, you'll never break lust without it. Let them install a web page monitoring software. That way they can check on every place you go. K9 web security is what my family uses. It also blocks certain sites. That will sharply affect where you're tempted to go while alone on the computer. In the meantime read a Christian book about the subject. I don't know of any books about dealing with lust for girls (I am a guy, after all), but try and find one. Ask your friend for help. Read them through and tell your friend what you get out of each chapter.

I really feel for what you're going through, NekoChan_C. I've had similar struggles before, but it can only be worse for you. You'll be in my prayers, okay? God bless.

First of all, thank you so much for your prayers. They are ALWAYS appreciated and needed and I am grateful!


well, I cannot say he has no remorse, I should have said he does not SEEM to have any remorse... but he has certainly defended himself about it, whenever I have made mention...

As for the staying with his ex... well my mom brought up a great verse when I asked her about it today... Flee from the APPEARANCE of all evil... Even if there is nothing untoward going on, it brings into question I have been praying that his eyes would be opened and he would realized exactly how it looks to anyone on the outside... not to mention the fact that he simply has a habit of not considering my feelings in things. He has a good heart... and I love him dearly... but he has so much growing to do...

I need him to be a leader for me, for our kids... That means that he must learn to put the family before his own desires... I am fearful that he will balk at that. It can't be easy to go from being a bachelor to a family man in one fell swoop... But I know he's up to the challenge, if he so desires to be...

I just want my spirit of peace back. I want to be held lovingly in His hands, and know without any doubt that He has my way set before me... how do I do that?!

Definetly praying! May GOD show you the path HE wishes for you to take Neko!

If this doesn't work I'm not sure I know what will. I'm a Calvinist, and as such, I believe as the Bible teaches that his will is controlling everything in the universe down to the last atom. Examples like selling Joseph, the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. These were all ordained by God for the ultimate accomplishment of his will. Everything is controlled by his will.

If you want, I can send you a link to a discussion (long, but good) at our church where we talked about God's foreknowledge. I've been given infinte comfort for the future in knowing this. I hope this helps you.

shall pray for you....even if I don't know quite what to say.

I would welcome the link and the discussion... I am thirsty -- so thirsty -- for knowledge, for truth... It seems each time I get a breakthrough, there is a little voice -- and it SEEMS to be the voice of reason -- that says that his actions show me that he does not love me. He doesn't respect my feelings or my heart. Now I know that he loves me, but the respect... well... that I'm just not sure about. He seems to be so very happy to be back in PA... he doesn't keep in touch me often, he isn't missing me the way I miss him... or at least he isnt acting like it.

I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't the disregard that I infer from his lack of interest in me...

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?auvg4qvlw1w

Hope it helps. But be prepared, this file is like 90 something minutes long.

I will pray too, Neko. *hugs*
We are here for you. I agree with what Prince Asbel said. Tell someone in RL about what you're struggling with and they can help keep you accountable.
I know I've had to do that in my own life...and it really helps to know that you have someone looking out for your well-being.

Have you ever read Every Woman's Battle? It's a good book for women about dealing with lust.

No, I've never heard of it, but I will be buying it, you can believe that! Thank you!

Prince Asbel (post: 1228922) wrote:http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?auvg4qvlw1w

Hope it helps. But be prepared, this file is like 90 something minutes long.

Thank you for the link... I'm at work and cannot download it here, but as soon as I get home... it's mine! I appreciate all the help that you guys have given me... I am so touched that you all have tried to help with [what looks to me like] an impossible situation...

thank you all...

Jess