Faith feels like it's dropping like a stone...

[Momo-P]

Pray, read, talk...I've done it all. The other day I even had an "emergency prayer meeting" with a girl from my church and her mother because my faith has been in such bad shape lately...I just don't know what to do anymore.

The devil is messing with my head really bad and it's driving me over the edge. I know I can "take it" because otherwise it wouldn't be happening, but that isn't enough comfort. I want it better, I can't stand this.

I'm a total OCD loser and that doesn't help either. Stupid things stick with me to begin with, so it's ten times harder to let it go and move on. I know I believe, I KNOW I do! Unfortunately the devil keeps whispering junk in my ear, trying to convince me I'm not a Christian, that I'm an atheist or some other stupid thing and I hate it with a fierce passion.

I know God exists, I've seen too much, I've heard too much, I've been baptised, I'm bound to Him...but I'm dying so badly here.

A good example WOULD be the word atheist. I hate that word so badly because it means not believeing and being separated by God (and in many cases, hating anything dealing with Him). Because I hate it so much, it's one of those things that sticks with me though...and just like ANYTHING that sticks with you, it will eventually mess with your head and make you think you're that thing, even if you're not.

I keep praying, I read my Bible with my mom to make sure I get it, I keep talking to them about the thoughts I have (and still get the same "I've felt that way too" speech), but it won't get better! Even when I have moments where it feels like I am getting better, it's like satan holds me back. Like he tries to make me feel like I DON'T want to be a Christian, but I know that's complete bull! If I didn't want to be one, why would I keep fighting like this? Why would it bother me, why would I keep going to God and praying? A non-believer does no such things, they just let it go and say "pft, whatever", but I don't.

I also keep myself from doing bad things because I know God disapproves, so again, another hint I do believe, but satan just won't back off. I've yelled at him to leave me alone, I've asked God to get him away from me, but it's not getting better.

I also remember having dreams years ago where satan would mess with my head. In the dreams I would obviously get mad and back up God, but earlier tonight I had a creepy dream where I felt like I didn't believe. If I remember right I still fought back in the dream, but my head was being messed with so badly like it is when I'm awake.

I ended up just sitting up and talking to my boyfriend online because I can't sleep. I just sweat and hate myself. I want God back again...I miss His comfort, I miss our connection. Why am I not allowed to feel better?!

[freerock1]

Hey Momo,

The thing you've got to remember is, your relationship with God is not defined by how you feel, but by what God's Word says. You believe the Bible is true, right? I know you do. Well, 1 John 4:4 says, "You are of God, little children, and have overcome them [speaking about evil and deceiving spirits], because He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world."

When the devil comes to attack you, just remember this and stand on it. Believe me, I know it's hard to do; I have to deal with this kind of stuff everyday myself. But even if we forget it for a moment, that doesn't mean it's not true. God in us is greater than the evil and deceiving spirits that come from Satan, and because of that, we have overcome them--not because we deserve it or remember it, but because God is faithful to His Word.

I will be lifting you in prayer, my sister. Stay strong, and be encouraged.

[Kunoichi]

Hey momo,

I won't give you a speech but I will give you a couple experiences that I have went through that well maybe it will help...maybe not.

The similarity in what your going through is very close to what I went through and often still go through. As for Satan being their and messing with you, he's going to do that. I don't know why when you rebuke him he doesn't leave you alone. Perhaps God has given him this time to allow you to have this "thorn" in the flesh so to speak. A period of trial. The only time we ever get stronger is when we are literally grabbing at the threads of faith. When things are easy we get complacent.

I have gone through this experience recently (For the last nine months and really for the last 2 years) Only now have I been given rest ( I know not encouraging but it could take time). I can't really offer any advice only to rebuke Satan and stay in constant prayer. Also praising God, even in the midst of your pain, was something that also helped me.

For the dreams...I know how those are too. I have had dreams where I kid you not, I served Satan willingly and in my dream, there was part of me that enjoyed. I woke up and for a while I felt guilty but then I realized that the difference from my dream and reality was one was thoughts and the other action. In my dream I served the enemy, in my dream i wanted power and I liked it but dreams are nothing more than thoughts and feeelings. the reality is that I serve God despite my thoughts and my weakness. So do not worry about your dreams because your thoughts/ feelings can be altered and toyed with. Satan is good at that. That is why he is so dangerous, more than I think alot of Chrstians give him credit for.

*hugs keep talking to people Momo, keep praying even if it may seem useless. God is with you and so are we.

Kelly

[Momo-P]

FreeRock: You're very right, feelings don't mean anything, but it's so hard to remember that. There are also times I DO remember that, but then I do it at the wrong time or something.

*sigh* The human mind is so strange. You could believe with all your heart, yet feel like you don't believe at all. It's so messed up how that works, but I guess that's what makes God's comfort more lovely when we get it.


Kunoichi: Thank you for the words Kunoichi...I know I don't reply to your threads, but I have looked them over and have I kept you in my heart. I know things will get better and this will strengthen me in the end, but it really can be exhausting. It also doesn't help when you see Christians who believe strongly, yet struggle with only dinky things...it's like "Why can't I get that?" but I suppose that just proves the difference in faith.

Where as a little thing wouldn't damage my faith or relationship with God, a bad thing like this would...but it would be nicer to just have some comfort in my heavenly Father.

Also about the two years thing, don't worry. I doubt it'll last that long. I know I don't know for certain, but things have felt better today...I think your prayers are definitely helping...I know my parents and people they know are also praying as well. It may be hard, but God's bringing me back home, I just gotta settle down and trust Him.

Thank for the prayers guys...*hugs*