CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

hey guys, *warning a little long but this pretty much explains where I'm at*

well i decided to start this prayer thread because well my going blind one just isn't even an issue at the moment (it is but I don't care about it anymore...if i'm going to go blind then so be it).

Those of you who have known me on Caa, well you guys know that i have struggled with depression and suicide for a while now. And things were getting better and even my depression has gotten better. It isn't as hard to get out of it as it once was.

I feel bad sometimes on this site because all I seem to do is complain...and that isn't right I know I should be grateful of the blessings I have. But I do not always get to vent in my real life because I always have to be tough. If not, then I would not have survived my life to be at the age that I am at.

My problems are petty...I know they are. Afterall, at least I have food and a roof over my head. i'm grateful for that. Its just...at petty as it is...i still ask for prayer. I do not have any solutions...any alternatives (besides just killing myself and I promised people that I wouldn't do that).

Inu, Yahshua, Tsukuyomi and Nami all know a little of what i have been through...a little of what I have struggled with....

I'm really trying hard, really trying to give it to God, go to church and read the Bible more...but I can't and I haven't. I know in my deepest being that God is there...how he hasn't put a lightning bolt through me yet is amazing, I wouldn't have had the patience. That's why he's God and I'm not tho lol .

My soul and heart are struggling. Inu asked me recently what it was...I can not describe it. That is not a cop-out. I just can't. I feel sad, and yet know that joy awaits. I feel depressed, yet cling to the knowledge that God said he would be there with me. I feel abandoned but I know that I am not. I am taunted by fear and by demons, yet God conquered them all. I guess I'm just not clear as to why i do not feel normal. But then maybe feelings themselves do not mean a whole heck of a lot.

I have not questioned the existence of an all loving God, yet I have questioned in the last six months the love of this God. I know he loves me and yet I struggle to see it. I do not understand it. I cry out and I hear nothing. Or perhaps I am not listening.

My soul and heart delight and know who God is. My flesh and spirit are very weak at the moment and struggle day by day, minute by minute to not give up. Maybe this is what God intended: to leave me broken so he can build me up again...I do not know. At this point, I can't say I honestly care. I just want things to become easier..but then, maybe that's the point. They never will be. Life is a constant struggle or at least it has been in my life. Maybe this is to build long suffering of the faith...I do not know.

Sorry guys for the babbling of this but well i feel i can tell you guys anything and you won't judge me or anything and you will be there for me. maybe some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. So far this has been going on for about 8 months. I'm not sure how much more I can take...

My emotional, physchological and physical stress is high. I just ...I don't even know what I want anymore. I just want rest. I'm weary from these battles and yet I know God has helped me and been with me through it all.

It is wierd to me to have faith and yet feel such anguish in the midst of faith. Maybe cuz i always thought as Christians , or at least this was what I was taught, are supposed to have joy and happiness all the time despite the difficulties. But I am finding out, then Christians or to be called a Christ Follower means to have faith , even if its like mine: weak and hanging by a thread, in the midst of struggles and that its ok to be weak. That is why God is our strength.

Please pray for me brothers and sisters. I am weak, I am struggling and I am barely hanging on. I know the Lord will hold me with this hand to keep me from falling too hard, but I'm hanging on by a thread. Pray for the strength that only God can give when I have nothing left, for the Holy Spirit to be sent and for my faith to be strengthened and renewed.

God bless,

Kelly

Will definetly contiue praying.....I've like this at times too, but when I look back on these times I realise if I didn't go through them I might not have learned certain lessons about life...that's some it at least.....
Glad to know, u're still holding on to Him, even with all this emotional turmoil going around u.....it sounds like He's already begining to strengthen u.....

I am always praying for you Kelly *hug* It's got to be hard to deal with all of this right now. I cannot say I know what hanging by a thread it like.. but God always does these things for us to learn a lesson from, possibly for someone in the future we can teach it to or tell them about and help them. Or for ourselves, so we can realize things that we never would have otherwise. I am constantly asking why God does certain things, but then I think about it and I realize.. Everything he does he does because he loves us and we simply need to be reminded of that even if we have to struggle to see it. So Keep hanging on because soon that thread will turn into a rope and God will pull you up into his arms. *hug* Praying for you!

Your Sister
~Nami~

Many Christians and others get the idea that we don't go throughh anything through our lives. Remember that in the Bible Jesus told us he would be with us in our time of difficulty, but he didn't say we wouldn't have any. There is also a verse, which i dont recall were it is, that says that if you are persecuted by Jesus sake then we should feel glad that we are truly showing our beliefs in Jesus Christ. For if we are persectuted we are like our FATHER, which was also persecuted. I will definetly have you in my prayers. And remember, that GOD will never ever leave you side!!!

"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
John 16:33b

"16The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. 17Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
Future Glory
18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

--Romans 8:16-18

Jesus does not promise us a life free from pain. In fact, He tells us to expect suffering in this world. But He promises never to abandon us in our suffering. His strength and grace are sufficient for us in our weakness. And our suffering is very temporary compared to the eternity we will spend with Him. Remember you are not alone and that this will not last forever. Make the most of every day and opportunity for our time here is short.

*hugs* Still praying for you friend.

I'm praying for you as well. I'll be lifting you up today, this Good Friday, and I hope everything will become better.

Also, since today is Good Friday, I think maybe you should have a special sort of prayertime today. You know, like read the story of the Passion or listen to it.

Just a suggestion.

Praise Report!!!

My circumstances have not changed...not in the slightest..however, God is changing my heart to look at the goodness he has given..I pray that this continues and that I turn fully back to my Lord.

That's great to hear. I'll keep praying that you will turn fully back to GOD!!!

.........can't handle things anymore!!!!!!!!!!

had to get that out....need prayer guys....help...something...anything...if I could run away and start over I would...I know I can't...just ugh

Will pray. Cry out to Jesus --He knows and He understands --much better than any of us can.

....how can I cry out to God? He looks on me and says "wait a litlte longer". I know that God cares...but it is hard to FEEL that he does, even though I know he does...God...where are you?

Kunoichi (post: 1210777) wrote:....how can I cry out to God? He looks on me and says "wait a litlte longer". I know that God cares...but it is hard to FEEL that he does, even though I know he does...God...where are you?

This sounds kinda like me with my current situation. I work and sleep and start over... and I feel like my life is going nowhere. I dunno what I am suppose to do with my life and I keep asking God to help me see it... but I get upset and feel like He never will. I feel like I am just here... with no purpose. I get to feeling like that quite often... but just when I feel like I am at the breaking point to falling into depression, He lifts me up again. I know that the more I really trust Him... the more I am able to see things around me clearly. I know that if I just let go of my worry, that my life will be so much better, and I may come closer to getting on the path of doing what God wishes for me... but my thoughts break me, and I get all discouraged and dislike myself, then I question why things are not changing... but lately, I have been seeing things different. I'm still having my nights of being upset, but I have been hoping for change within me... trusting God to help me not be so easily discouraged and upset.

I pray that things get better for you really soon. Please keep trusting Him. Take care!

...well if there is more of me to hit rock bottom..i'm hitting it...maybe i'll go lower..I hope not but maybe..

I may possibly lose my job today...I don't know yet..and I'm dead broke with no idea of when my next paycheck is coming...Sigh* I hate this!!!!!!!

If you're waiting Kelly, then God may have someting in store for you. Like the Bible says, "Hold Fast." and remember, He'll pull you out of the worst spots ever. Trust me. He will. I would know. I hope that through this, you will grow stronger in him.
Still praying for you Kelly. -Sparx

All of you that have been with me through my struggles....thankyou more than words can say..

Right now I'm struggling with my past and how to deal with it...Growing up wasn't pretty and involved alot of isolation and abandonment (whether real or not) issues that I am dealing with. Plus when I was raped..well it caused it to be a little harder.

I'm struggling right now but at least I realize what i do to myself a little more...I need to learn how to be nicer to myself...and to learn how to love: not only myself but others. I mean I do love them but well...can't really explain it..I have had some distorted views of it (like my dad said he loved me but never ever is there and my ex fiancee said the same after he raped me three times). So I need a lot of lifting up...I need a lot of healing.

Please continue to check in on this thread every now and again because i want to keep you guys updated on how the battle is going. *hugs to all

*hugs back* I'm prayin' for ya.

Definetly praying!!!!
GOD BLESS YOU!!!

I start a huge part of my battle tonight....i'm going to go to a friends house to start the healing process of my rape and trying to put it behind me. Please pray. Thanks!

As always, Kunoichi. *hugs*

Behind ya all the way Kelly.

Stay strong for Jesus Kunoichi, he is there and loves you and everbody else dearly, so much that he's actually going to fight for us as he does now.
I have felt suicidal many of times after I learned my father contracted HIV, grandmother on my mother's side died from Brain Cancer, parents getting a divorce after my dad's unfaithfullness. God helped me and others overcome terrible struggles like he will do with you . keep reaching out to him. He is there and hears you. I'm still praying for you , God Bless.

Praying for you still of course. God Bless!

Hey guys,

as always your support does wonders and miracles for me. Please I know it is hard for me to express the love you guys are showing me but it means more than you may ever know (i'll have to tell ya in heaven *smile).

I was able to heal last night after talking with my friend. It is still a wound but the bitterness is gone, as well as the anger. I feel bad for him because I know he is on a destructive path (he is now using cocaine and drinking) but I know that God is with him.

I'm supposed to go to a Gun and Knife show in a week with my boyfriend, I'm a little anxious that I will see him again but I know that God will protect me.

I'll keep updating on this battle, thankyou again for the prayer. God is working, though the process at times seems to be three steps forward four steps back.

Update:

Healing for my rape has begun...it is hard not to think about it and give it to God. But dey by day I am finding it easier.

I'm really trying hard to not focus on the egative or even give it power by speaking it. So when i feel like I want to say...oh this happened that was bad etc etc. I just don't talk and focus on something else. This the hardest thing I have ever done!!!

Also please pray for my boyfriend, I'm not sure if he follows Christ or not..I need prayer that I will follow the path that is towards God in all my situations.

Kunoichi (post: 1211186) wrote:I'm struggling right now but at least I realize what i do to myself a little more...I need to learn how to be nicer to myself...and to learn how to love: not only myself but others. I mean I do love them but well...can't really explain it..I have had some distorted views of it (like my dad said he loved me but never ever is there and my ex fiancee said the same after he raped me three times). So I need a lot of lifting up...I need a lot of healing.

I know this post was kinda old, but I wanted to ask you, do you believe that you've forgiven these people? God knows how sad and angry I became when I read what others have done to you. And I know from experience how hard it is to forgive anyone after they have committed a heinous wrong. Yet God commands us to do so.

That is the process of healing I am under...I can't say I have...I harbor a lot of hurt...I know that I can't forgive my ex fiancee...not after being raped...but God is going to have to be my strength

But healing comes through forgiveness! People don't realize that when they hold in all the hurt and say that they'll never forgive someone that they are actually putting THEMSELVES in bondage. Sometimes, people even get sick from lack of forgiveness. Suprising, I know, but it happens.

I know you feel as though you can't forgive him, but you don't need to feel it. You just have to say aloud that, even though you don't feel like it, you forgive him. It'll be the starting point for more healing. And you don't have to go visit him ever again, or see him anymore, but at least you'll be freeing yourself from bondage, and you'll be able to move on in your life. Do this with your dad too...my dad has hurt me before by not always being here for me, but I love him very much and forgive him for every time he wasn't there for me because of his job.

So please try it...you'll see something happen. Maybe not immediately, but something will happen.

AsianBlossom (post: 1212407) wrote:But healing comes through forgiveness! People don't realize that when they hold in all the hurt and say that they'll never forgive someone that they are actually putting THEMSELVES in bondage. Sometimes, people even get sick from lack of forgiveness. Suprising, I know, but it happens.

I know you feel as though you can't forgive him, but you don't need to feel it. You just have to say aloud that, even though you don't feel like it, you forgive him. It'll be the starting point for more healing. And you don't have to go visit him ever again, or see him anymore, but at least you'll be freeing yourself from bondage, and you'll be able to move on in your life. Do this with your dad too...my dad has hurt me before by not always being here for me, but I love him very much and forgive him for every time he wasn't there for me because of his job.

So please try it...you'll see something happen. Maybe not immediately, but something will happen.

I agree, but you probably meant imprisonment of one's self instead of bondage (which meant to be a slave of someone). Holding grudge against someone is not pretty, even though it is obvious that someone is very at fault. Hate the sin, but forgive the sinner. It just isn't worth it.

You are still very young, there is a long life ahead of you. It is probably best if you tell him how you will forgive him but you don't want to see him ever again. Forgiving does NOT meant you have to force yourself to be in any romantic relationship; I don't ever see the point of being in one and probably will never be. Time will heal itself, but you have let it go first.

It is indeed very difficult to forgive someone, especially when that someone will not even admit his/her fault. But that's life, people are different and diverse. It takes a "wide chest" to forgive someone, but you will not regret it. Similarly, I have been trying to reason with my family for years, hopefully one day they will understand what they are doing is not right.

And forgiveness is a process. You will have to forgive in your heart over and over--painful memories will come, but you give those to God when they do. This is part of the healing process.
I recommend the book Lord, I Want to Be Whole by Stormie Omartian. It is a book about the process of healing for people who are survivors of abuse. I was abused by my mother and I am currently going through the book and the accompanying journal. It has been immensely helpful--and it's from a biblical perspective. Consider checking it out.
It's a long road, but even if it doesn't feel like you are making progress, you are. God who began a good work in you will finish it. He is faithful. He can and will make you whole again. It just takes time (and a considerable amount of it.)

I am here for you friend. If you want to talk anytime, feel free to PM me. *hugs* Remember, you are not alone.

SnEptUne (post: 1212429) wrote:I agree, but you probably meant imprisonment of one's self instead of bondage (which meant to be a slave of someone).

That's probably it...but bondage could refer to "being a slave to unforgiveness" or something...but yeah, you could probably say it as "imprisonment." I'm just used to using the word "bondage" for this sort of thing.

And Sheenar's right! It is a process, and sometimes you DO have to say you forgive whoever it is over and over. But it's a process that's well worth it in the end.