I'm spiraling out of control

[beau99]

This past week was complete Hell.

It started off with me being stressed over something not worth my time. Wednesday, it escalated. I've had suicidal thoughts before, but I'd never actually wanted to carry them out. That is, until this past Wednesday. I had everything planned out. I even wrote a note. I was going to sedate myself with vicodin and jump into the swimming pool.

Luckily, my father walked in the door before I could do it. It will be very hard for me to tell him what I was going to do, but I think it will be better for me if I do. This morning I cried for the first time in almost three years trying to think of what to say to him.

Don't know how I'm going to pull it off without crying again. All I know is that I possibly need therapy. I can't take it any longer

I feel like a hypocrite.

[Kunoichi]

Beau,

speaking from experience of having depression for over 7 years, being suicidal for most that time and not knowing what to do....well for me, God has given me peace because he kept me from dying.

I do not know your situation and honestly, no one on this site can say to you "well you shouldn't be sad you have it well", demons haunt us and torment us, hoping to steal us from salvation.

I can assure you this though, one) Cliche it may sound, but it is truth: God truly loves you and 2) Although you may not "snap" out of it, there are ways to deal with it to help you recover.

Therapy is a great idea, if anything just to talk to someone. Also sometimes depression can be hormonal and chemical, so medication might help also (although you have to be careful cuz meds can make it worse if they aren't the right one).

I will pray for you Beau and just please know that you are not alone. God is with you and so are we and we do not want you to die.

Oftentimes, our suicides (which I have tried and almost suceeded many times) are cries for help because we do not know any other way to escape our hell on earth. God is there, even if he is not seen or even heard, he's creating situations to help you get out of it.

I would like to suggest forming a journal or writing down your thoughts. Sometimes when insanity hits or you can't even think, writing can help you just get through that little part and at least form a coherent word.

This may not help any, but well know I'll be praying and we are all pulling for you.

Kunoichi

Aka

Kelly

PS Also PM me anytime if you need to talk or vent or whatever there is

Also tell your dad, even if you may feel ashamed, tell him because he can help you if you start to go that road again. And you are not a hypocrite, God does not feel you are and sometimes that is hard for Christians to understand : Depression and Suicide. But just know God is there for you

[AsianBlossom]

I'll keep you in my prayers.

Suicide is never an answer; there are so many people out there who care about you (and this board wouldn't be the same without you). I don't know what's driving you crazy, but whatever it is, God is always there for you. Look at this thread: http://www.christiananime.net/showthread.php?t=45631

I hope it helps.

[meboeck]

I'll be praying for you. I've gone through depression myself, and my brother had suicidal thoughts for a few years. He and I are both Christians. Depression doesn't make you a hypocrite. It just gives you more reason as a Christian to rely on God. I second what Kunoichi said about therapy. It can be a really great way to get the thoughts and feelings you have bottled up on the outside. Also, when you're depressed you tend to get a very warped perspective of things. A counselor can give you a more objective perspective. I would suggest trying to find a Christian counselor if possible. Again, I'll be praying, and if you ever need to talk, I'm just a pm away.

[Okami]

I've got to third what Kunoichi and meboeck say about therapy. I, myself, am in counseling for depression and it's probably one of the best treatments in my life, to just talk it out. And I second the Christian counselor, because mine is also a believer, so she helps put things in a real perspective according to the Bible.
I will be praying for you! Depression is hard, but we can beat it. In the end, we are the victors over Satan, don't ever forget that.

And if you ever need to talk, my PM box is open. I will never deny anyone the opportunity to talk to me. A long history of self-injury is in my past, never suicide attempts, but I can relate to that extreme pain. Looking forward to hearing from you, Beau.
God bless.

[Blitzkrieg1701]

I think everybody before me has done a very good job saying everything I would have said, but let me just add again how important it is to talk to SOMEONE about this. Yes, it's often very painful to reveal these parts of ourselves that we're not proud of, but the end result WILL be worth it. In any case, I'm deffinately praying.

[12praiseGOD]

Beau, my advice is to just cry your heart out it is one of the most stress relieving things I know! Also listen to Christian Music and read the Bible when you are feeling that way. Don't worry whenever you feel depressed GOD is always there. Quite frankly I think it was GOD himself that made your dad walk in at that moment, GOD loves you and doesn't want you to cause harm to yourself. Talk to your dad, and most likely when you are telling your dad what happened GOD will open his heart in huge understanding and loving compassion and if you ask GOD to lead you the right way, and keep your heart open you will soon see the light, just TRUST GOD, HE knows what he is doing believe me.
GOD BLESS YOU AND BE SURE GOD IS WITH YOU! oh and remember what Jesus said
"On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streas of LIVING WATER will flow from within him." By this he meant the Spirirt, whom those who believed in him weree later to receive. - John 7:37
and also
"...But whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indee, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."- John 4:14
and finally
"For GOD so loved the world (us) that he gave his one and only Son (Jesus Christ), that whoever(you) believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."-John 3:16 with a little extra interpretation.
GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP SAFE!

[beau99]

Thanks everyone. I am feeling a little better right now, though I haven't had the chance to tell anyone yet.

This is my brother's weekend here (parents have joint custody of him until next year when he becomes legal) and he's not exactly helping right now. I'm waiting until he goes back to my mom's house before I can say anything. He just doesn't understand me as an autistic and thinks I'm a freak.

This breakdown was caused by a mix of high stress, anxiety over my upcoming dental procedure, and loneliness because I had to leave my cat with my mom when I moved in with my dad, due to this apartment complex having a pet fee he previously didn't know about.

I desperately want my cat back, but I can't go back to my mom's house. Especially not now. And I can't go and take my cat back, even if we could pay the pet fee, because my mom's live-in friend used to have a cat that ran away shortly before he moved in with her. He and the cat seem to like each other a lot. He's a nice guy who I have nothing against, and I just can't take the cat back out of the kindness of my own heart.

Right now I think I just need an animal around. Preferably one I can give hugs to.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

D:

In my prayers, dude.

[Danderson]

I know I don't know u, but u still have my prayers....

If God was able to save u from a death u planned, I believe He'll be more then able to help u through this storm....

[Sheenar]

Hang in there. God is bigger than any circumstance/trial we are dealing with. Lean on Him.
It does help to have an animal to hug ..when I am feeling anxious/sad/stressed, it is SO helpful to be able to hug my service dog. If you guys can't afford the pet deposit, does a friend have an animal you can come over and have "cuddle time" with? It often is comforting just to have something physical to touch...
Remember that God has a great plan for your life. Read Isaiah 43. God is with you and will never leave you. Remember that.

[beau99]

If you guys can't afford the pet deposit, does a friend have an animal you can come over and have "cuddle time" with? It often is comforting just to have something physical to touch...

Unfortunately, no.

I'd go to my mom's house on Friday during my recovery period after the dental work is done, but they have four dogs there as well. I'm not exactly a dog person, and whenever I go over, I have to constantly shoo them away from me. Well, one's older in age and isn't really a bother, but the others... I can't deal with them.

[K. Ayato]

How about a teddy bear?

[beau99]

^ I'd walk over to Target tomorrow and buy one, but then my brother would probably make fun of me even more than he does.

[Gabriel 9.0]

This past week was complete Hell.

It started off with me being stressed over something not worth my time. Wednesday, it escalated. I've had suicidal thoughts before, but I'd never actually wanted to carry them out. That is, until this past Wednesday. I had everything planned out. I even wrote a note. I was going to sedate myself with vicodin and jump into the swimming pool.

Luckily, my father walked in the door before I could do it. It will be very hard for me to tell him what I was going to do, but I think it will be better for me if I do. This morning I cried for the first time in almost three years trying to think of what to say to him.

Don't know how I'm going to pull it off without crying again. All I know is that I possibly need therapy. I can't take it any longer

I feel like a hypocrite.

Sorry to hear that Beau, its been a while since I've seen you on SO. I know how suicide and depression can take a vast toll on somebody, especially how I myself went through it.
But don't give up. God is with you. I'll be praying for you as well.

[beau99]

Well I told my dad about the cat issue before he left for work. I just couldn't work it up to tell him everything else though. Perhaps I could write a letter explaining it, or through email. But even then, it would be too hard.

[Kunoichi]

Hey Beau,

As hard as it may be...it'll probably be the best thing you can do.

When people, more so loved ones, know and realize what you are going through, those things tend to lose control of you. Love conqueors it, whether it be your dad or simply God. Speak it into words because that will more powerful, although most likely harder, than written words.

[beau99]

So today I found out I might have carpal tunnel syndrome.

Just adds insult to injury.

[K. Ayato]

Writing a letter is actually a good idea. Sometimes it helps communicate how you feel when spoken words aren't enough. Whichever method you choose, I'll be praying you convey what needs to be said and that you do it soon. It'll be all right. *Hugs*

[Alexander]

Speaking as a fellow aspie who's trying to recover from his own suicidal period, I can completely relate to how you're feeling Beau.

I'd give more advice here, but I'd rather talk to you personally in a PM, which I'll be sending you tomorrow.

You're in my prayers.

[beau99]

Things are getting better, for now.

I'm getting a kitten this weekend no matter what.

I am stressing though, over my dental appointment tomorrow.

[Sheenar]

Keep us updated, friend.
Hope your appointment goes well tomorrow! Good luck!

Congrats on the kitten! Remember though that the little goobers require a lot of time!