CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

It's the end.

Since I was 13, failure. After failure.

After failure.

So many, that I lost hope more then once. But I kept going. I always believed He was with me. I never doubted He wasn't.

But the failures persisted. Lost friend after lost friend, sometimes through rejection, other times just because we lost contact or our interests changed.

I could never keep anyone. Was I that different? Was it my burden to carry? Am I hated? Do I have no faith even when I believed I did?

Or is my Asperger's Syndrome merely a curse? A curse to remind me that no matter what I'll do, any attempt at breaking my loneliness in real life will always end in failure.

I lost another Christian friend a few days ago, he didn't like me for one reason or another, although I am to blame for some of the situation as well.

My Youth Group meetings are sinking quickly as well. No one has room for someone so different as myself. Sameness equals safety, and I'm unsafe because I'm so different.

Has He finally abandoned me? There's no other explanation why I can't even get along with people of my own faith. Will He leave me like this for the rest of my life? And to eventually die alone? With any dream I have becoming a failure like all the others.

And yet, I still want to hold on to Him. Leaving my faith and Him feels like suicide. But these feelings I've told, there so overwhelming I can't believe anything else.

Please, someone, anyone. Show me a sign that what I'm believing isn't true. Someone tell me I still matter, someone tell me I can still make a friend. Someone..

Tell me I won't be forgotten and left to die alone.

Please... someone, anyone.

Please save me.

Well, I can't save you. Only Jesus can do that!

But I understand where you're coming from. I have AS myself, so I know about being different. But different is not bad. God created each of us uniquely---how boring life would be if we were all the same!!

God has not left you. He can never act against His Word. And if you look at the Scriptures, God promises over and over that He will never leave or forsake His people. If you have been washed in the blood of Christ, God's Holy Spirit lives in you and He will never leave you.

As to losing even Christian friends, I have been there. I don't really have an explanation, but sometimes God brings people into your life for only a season. I have had many friends come and go --each brought something special into my life in the brief time we were together. But God is faithful. He will bring another friend into your life in His timing and each new friend has something God wants to teach you through them and hopefully there's something God can teach them through you!

Remember, even when you are alone, God is always there. You can always cry out to Jesus and tell Him what's on your heart. Pray for a close friend. It may not happen immediately, but it will happen. Just trust. God wants to teach you something through this.

Hang in there!

In Christ,

Sheenar

God never abandons, my friend.
'Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.' ~ Deuteronomy 31:6

and also:

'"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."' ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Remember, Alec, if you EVER need someone to talk to, I'm here...and I deeply care for you. You were there when I was struggling through the depression and rough times; and hey, don't forget our bond by Accountability. Now it's my turn to be standing by for you. Don't give up, stay strong, God'll see you through!

Recently my personal time with the Lord has been in 1+2 Samuel. David was a human, and it showed. It showed in his life....and especially in his songs:

Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!
Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.

Psalms 25:16-21

You're never forgotten, Alec-kun. Don't ever think that for a second.

(More to follow in an e-mail)

I was your accountability partner for one area in your life, Alec. Let me help you in this one. *Hugs*

Fallling and failures are apart of life. And as helpful as feelings are at times, sometimes they can easily distract us from what is the Truth: That He has been with you all along

If you want God to draw closer to you, you have to first seek Him out, and even if He doesn't answer you at first, it doesnt mean He's ignoring you..it might just means that He's waiting for you to give Him all these fears and faliures.....Don't let these things define who you are....That's God's job....

Know that I will be praying for you....

I don't understand why people ostercize people like yourself. I see nothing wrong with you at all. Those people who have treated you badly and call themselves christians, need to do some soul searching and need to talk to God about how they treat you, atleast in my opinion they do. You have us, and you have God Alexander. He will not leave you, nor forsake you. You are his beautiful creation. Having Asbergers is not a curse, it is a Gift. You see the world differently from the rest of us so called "normal" people. You are so special. Please don't lose faith over other people's ignorance. Thats giving them power that they dont deserve.

You'll be in my prayers,
Morgan

[color="DeepSkyBlue"]First off, I'll let you know that I am praying for you.

I try to think of all the things that happen in life, good or bad, as pieces of a puzzle and eventually they all fit together to make you the person you are. If you look at the bad things that have happened to yourself you can usually learn something from them. If you are affected by your failures so much, try looking at them and reflect upon them. See if it happened to you for a reason. Most of our experiences teach us how to be a better person. It could be that God may have been trying to tell you to stop doing what you were doing, or to always put God first before other priorities.

As for the loneliness...My best friend dealt with the loneliness thing too. For all of her elementary and most middle school years she didn't have any good friends she could depend on or talk to. After she reflected on the situation she found that God was trying to teach her a lesson and make her a better person. She discovered that being lonely is not a fun thing and it hurts. She believes God did that to her so that she would know what it is like to be lonely so that when she sees someone who is like that, she wouldn't be afraid to go over and talk to them or even just be nice and eat lunch or something with them. She learned to be a friend to the friendless.

If you are afraid of losing your faith, don't forget to seek God. Maybe God made you lonely right now because he wants you to get to know Him better and have a better relationship with Him. Take time to spend time with the Lord each day and seek Him in everything you do. Don't forget to pray about it too. Remember to wait upon the Lord, follow God's timing because His is best. Don't lose sight of God because He wants to have a relationship with you. I hope this helped and that you feel better! You can send me a message if you need more help. [/color]

I was just reminded of a book I read. It's called "Freaks, Geeks, and Asperger Syndrome"by Luke Jackson. You should check it out. It was written by a 13-year old with AS and he has some really good insights about life with AS.

Here's a quote from the book: "One unusual thing about me is that I have what some people would call a disability but I call a gift."

I have come to see my AS and cerebral palsy as things God wants to use to bring Him glory. Just lean on Jesus. He has a plan for you and wants to use your life.

First, a relationship with another person isn't something you succeed or fail at. You don't loose by not having things in common with those around you, and pushing yourself to "win" won't make things better. That sort of state of mind is only going to make things more stressful, and it's certainly not what the Lord wants for you.

What's more, God often grants us friendships as a means of ministering to us, but it's hardly the only way He does. I'm not about to tell you that God doesn't want you to ever have friendship or that it's wrong to look for it, but you could be missing out on something else God is trying to do if focus too much this thing you don't have (even if it is a very precious thing). Remember, your faith is in Him, not in the others who claim to believe the same thing you do. You yourself have said that it feels like suicide to think about leaving Him, that's because the Holy Spirit is already saying that He won't leave you. Life in this imperfect world is often painful, but feeling that pain doesn't mean that God doesn't hear you.

And lest you think I'm just spouting the good Christian answers, I went through my entire adolescence very depressed and almost completely friendless. Now, I won't pretend that gives me an instant understanding of what you're going through. However, I know that God got me through it and that a large part of my own misery had less to do with the loneliness and more to do with how I allowed it to dictate my relationship with God.

And beside, how could you be forgotten? We certainly care about you. No, it's not the same thing as a physically present companion, but we can at least pray for you. I certainly will be.

Blitzkrieg1701 said about the same thing I was thinking after reading your message, so I am gonna say I agree with him.

I will be praying for you. You are not a failure! God will never leave you, He is the only one who will never change His mind about being there for us... people on the other hand... they change sometimes, but it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. I know it is hard for me to see that sometimes, because I have had some friends who stopped talking to me over the past months... they moved on in life and I feel left behind, it does indeed make you feel like something is wrong with you, but it is just another thing that if we focus too much on, the enemy can use it against us to draw us into depression and make us question things about our Faith and ourself.

I hope you are feeling better... I haven't been a member of this forum long, so I am not very known, but I am here if you want to talk to someone. I would love to make a new friend. Take care.

i'll be praying for you my friend, though i do not have AS, i am very familiar with what it's like to feel different even from other believers throughout life.

my only words of comfort for you are that Christ stands with you when no one else will, when every being in all of creation might reject you, he welcomes you with open arms and calls you His friend, and even if your own family should reject you, He will not, because your name is engraved in the palm of his hand.

knowing this and keeping it in mind is the only thing that's helped me stand through such hardships and i do hope they are of some help to you

I have felt what you feel.

I know what it is like to feel abandoned by our lord and father.

But believe me when I say this: he has not abandoned you. it may seem like it, but he is there, in everything you do. No matter where you go. God is leading your life.

Believe me. You are still in God's eye, he hears you and guids you. Just believe

Pray, read your bible, Just stay connected. Don't try to break ties like I did. it doesn't help.

I will be praying. I pray that you will refind God.

Thank you very much for your support, especially with the trials I've been going through.

I'm still unstable in some parts in my emotions, but other wise I'm back to normal stability.

The good news is, I believe God hasn't abandoned me anymore and I believe He's guiding me towards something specific. What might that be?

Well, first of all, my youth group meetings have slowly been sinking as I haven't been able to "fit in" with the group. The general atmosphere there, at least with the boys, was "God>sports". If someone like myself was outside of this general interest, then being an outcast was inevitable. After that, I finally tried to break out of my shell and give a basic explanation on what I was interested in. So using my iPod and my DS to show off some Anime specific games and shows, the response...was...

"This is the strangest thing I have ever seen".

After that, I sat down in the main hall way, played my DS, and watched as everyone except me formed their separate groups again. I sat alone.

I've now decided to quit my youth group. If I don't conform, and I won't, there's no way I can make it.

So, what do I plan to do now?

All there is now is an Anime Club at our University. If that fails...

Then I'm going to go back to writing stories. The real world can only be a prison for me for so long.

As for my relationship with God, I have much work to do, but the most simple first step, as Blitz said, is to pour all my fears and losses into Him. Most of all, I need to start truly praying again. Something I haven't done for a very, very long time.

Lastly, thank you SO much for being there for me everyone. And reminding me I'm never too much of a burden on anyone along with being a total failure in my life. I might have spent 6 years of my life online, and will continue for a few more, but I can at least be reassured I matter somewhere.

Edit: I forgot to mention what it was I believe what God is leading me towards! XD This is way off in the future, but I've been thinking very seriously about it.

I want to move away from my town and go to a college in a different state. I've been discussing this with my parents, and they feel that if I want to do this, I'm allowed too. But, whether I believe God is leading me towards this path, or if it's both Him and me agreeing to this, I do not know.

Edit 2: I'll also keep myself on the look out for those books. I'm in deep need of any advice.

The simple answer to your thread question is: Lonliness can never reach a level where it has to result in breaking faith. Faith is just that. It's not a part of your body, or dependent on some ability of hand or mind. It's just you and God. Unless you want it to break, it can theoretically be the last thing you ever lose.

Theological dogma aside, I know from personal experience the pain of being the outsider and lonliness. However, after much prayer (more like crying) to God, I eventually had my prayer answered. I did have to stick my neck out a few times and ask some women out, mind you, she didn't just show up on my doorstep. And I was into my late 20's before this happened. But our relationship (20 years later) is still going, so I suppose waiting was hard but a good thing.

Praying for you.

Well, I've got another update. The good news is: My faith isn't broken nor was it ever, I'm praying again, and I have a little bit of faith again.

I also have major news. Whether this will actually happen or not is yet to be seen, but I'm going to push for it with all my effort and pray it comes true.

I had received a small note from AsianBlossom parents wondering if I was interested in moving to her state. Whether that means they're as serious as I am with the idea of going there for college remains to be seen or known. I'm really hoping they're willing to give me the offer as I'm in desperate need of a miracle.

However, I need to be diligent in not putting all my eggs in one basket for this plan which could very well never develop beyond an idea. The only problem is, I have no other baskets to put my eggs in. Every church, club, support group, therapist, school, and councilor ended the same way with me making no progress in any of them and being alone again. That situation becomes dire when all the places in my town have run out and I have no other options left.

If I'm left to stay here for the next 2 to 3 years of college, then I'm going to sign up with a Christian councilor. Not for therapy or advice, but just someone I can talk to.

Either way, I have no idea what will become of either in my near future. All I can do is pray, hope, and remain faithful that He'll help me through the upcoming moments and much further moments in my life. Peace be with me, and with you all as well.

I'm definitely praying that God will make the path clear to you soon.

Yep. Actually, Alec, my mom was wondering if you've ever considered coming down here just to take a vacation/trip (cause this state is notorious for tourists and people who just want a vacation), but if you feel you're called to go to college down here, then that's what's going to happen.