CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

So I have ALOT to get off my chest right now so this post will probably end up being long. Thanks you if you actually have the time to read through because I think I might need some heavy prayer with this huge issue that has been plaguing me for many many years...

First off, I'll start by saying that I have been bad lately. It's been my fault I know, I don't wish to discuss it, but from it I KNOW that I'll be receiving the lecture of a lifetime any minute now, and I have completely been frustrated lately. But the whole thing is this: I need out. I need out of the house, I need privacy: away from the criticism I receive every day, away from the nagging, I NEED to get out and be my own person. I'll be 20 in 2 months and my mom has zero confidence in me whatsoever and does not feel that I "act my age"...

You see, ok, when I was very little I almost died from sicknesses, still a bit weak now, but still. Ever since then (and even before) my mom has been paranoid. Doesn't help she works at the courts and hears about tons of bad stuff too. But I just REALLY CANNOT handle any more... For the past few years after grading, I've just needed to get away. But everything I suggested was a "no". "I want to go to Bible college with my friend! It'll be so fun!" "No. Stay here. Next year probably." So I give in (because I'm so weak to guilt trips) and go to community college which sucked, while my friends get the college experience of meeting new friends and being on their own for once. Last year it was "I'm going to Bible college cause you said I can go this year." "No, maybe next year. Just... take more courses here at home". I eventually made the decision (after LONG rough arguing) to NOT go for the second semester of this year. I couldn't handle work AND 3 big courses at once. It just... didn't work for me. So I actually GOT MY WAY. I'm SO glad I'm making money now so actually able to do alot more than rely on different things like that. Sadly, minimum wage can only get you so far. I do have alot saved up though.

So what exactly IS the issue with my mom? She's paranoid about too many things, she hardly ever gets me to make my own decisions (she hates it if I say "no" to things and usually ends up getting her way), and she doesn't see me as an adult (which is probably due to being babied all my life that I've hardly had a chance to do much). In fact it's not just me that sees her as something aggravating, every single one of my friends that have actually been to my house enough, get aggravated themself! (both Christian and non) I have heard them say an assortment of things such as "she's too irrational" "why is she so paranoid?" "she doesn't let you do ANYTHING!" "ARG! She frustrates me!" and the ever so popular "if I were you, I would've been gone a long time ago" (which my step dad himself even said). Some of them have even made comments like "she needs therapy" and "I should really sit down and have a talk to her". My boyfriend already is frustrated as it is and almost ready to snap himself. She (and my grandma, who acts ALOT like my mom but worse, although my mom gets the grunt of her) is the ONLY person I have actually really argued with. It takes ALOT for my to get irritated/angry and I just snap back like there's no tomorrow when I lose it to her...

I'm wanting to get ready a list of necessities to buy for out on my own. Not sure if it would be in town or where, but I really need to do it soon for my own mentality. I don't believe... that I can really grow up and gain confidence in myself and actually BE my own person until I do that... I know with my mom she's scared with the moving away thing that I won't be financially secure, college this and that etc etc but those are the least of my worries right now. I don't even know where I'm going career-wise or anything at the moment anyhow. I've been longing for that type of freedom forever... She doesn't want me to make mistakes, but MY GOODNESS!! How the HECK am I supposed to live?! Maybe some who have read this have thought "well she just really cares and loves you" and yes I am an only child too, and this is also the attitude some of my friends that don't know her well has too. But my closest friends can hardly stand her sometimes. Everything I do, she'll either find one excuse or another to keep me from doing it...

Here's a VERY short list of things that I'll get yelled lectured for:

"Wear a jacket or else you'll get sick." "No, it's fine outside" *lecture begins*

"I'm going on a 2 hr car ride with my friends to the beach." "No you are NOT! The roads are bad there/car isn't good and might tip since it's a jeep/not sure how good of a driver your friend is/what happens if you get sick and pass out there? (I have been known to pass out in the recent years but still... shoulda woulda coulda :/) etc etc etc"

"Make sure when you stay home alone that you're lock the latch on the door (we have had some neighbourhood break ins, but I won't live in paranoia!)"

"Make sure you eat some potatoes" "I'm REALLY full I can't eat anymore..." "Just EAT THEM!"

"Don't be TOO religious. It might have been a bad idea to start getting you to go to church, you're treating it like a cult" (well excuse me for making my own decision there -_-)

Like I'm not even exaggerating here... I can't handle anymore lectures and nagging on even stupid little things... "Honor your parents" is MUCH too hard for me, besides, I remember one verse about how parents shouldn't nag their kids to death (well, not the exact words of course, but it still stuck out to me like a sore thumb). I can't handle being belittled anymore and as I said my boyfriend is already at his limit with how unreasonable she is. lately I've had this attitude of "I'm just gunna go do it. I don't care what she says". really, that's the only way she'll ever learn. The day I actually leave home will probably be so hard on her but she CANNOT KEEP ME HERE FOREVER. I need to go and explore the world which even then I have hardly even traveled in! I'm quite stupid about the outside world and I must learn for myself and make mistakes... I've just always felt like a bird trapped in a cage and have the longing to fly off and be free... Maybe that's why I've always had such a fascination with wings and winged things...

If anyone bothered reading through all this, I'm glad I can let my pain out in writing to others. Maybe someone can actually relate to this, although I'm not sure. But lots of prayer would be SO awsome. I just... need out... I just wish I had a bit more money and had my license (and a car :/)

I can relate to problems with mothers, although mine are of a slightly different nature. I know how frustrating it can be. I know what it is like to be caught in a destructive cycle of interactions.

While you are an adult, since you are currently living under her roof it is appropriate for you to obey her to a certain extent. However, I would advise against letting her dictate major decisions such as college. But, nevertheless, it is still important that you try to honor her. That does not mean that you let her run your life. It does mean that you make a sincere effort to treat her with respect and love.

Have you tried sitting down to talk with your mother about this (with a third party, such as your step-father, to mediate)? Is your mother involved in church? Perhaps you could enlist a clergyperson to interceed on your behalf.

You have been acting out, but is your mother aware that the feelings behind it are more than mere recklessness or rebellion? Perhaps more importantly, do you understand the feelings behind your mother's actions? Stop and think about that. Have you seriously tried to understand her perspective?

Perhaps you have tried these things already. I know from personal experience that it doesn't always work with certain kinds of people.

I am praying for you. Be sure to report on how things go.

Anna Mae wrote:
Have you tried sitting down to talk with your mother about this (with a third party, such as your step-father, to mediate)? Is your mother involved in church? Perhaps you could enlist a clergyperson to interceed on your behalf.

Basically, she doesn't listen to reason. I listen to what she says and think "personally, I don't want to" or whatever but practically every comment I make to her is void and somehow unreasonable. My step dad hates being around during these fights and she's not exactly a church-goer :/

Anna Mae wrote:
You have been acting out, but is your mother aware that the feelings behind it are more than mere recklessness or rebellion? Perhaps more importantly, do you understand the feelings behind your mother's actions? Stop and think about that. Have you seriously tried to understand her perspective?

My acting out has been for the only reason being, trying to show the way I want to try and live my life. I just have to go out and do things or else I won't be able to and be held back. I mean I want to be normal and say "I'm going off to the city etc" without asking for permission and getting turned down and other dumb things like that :/ I want to be able to make mistakes, but it would be at my expense if I did (I'm not saying anything major, but just... anything). I can understand where she's coming from, but she just takes things to the extreme... There's being overprotective, and then there's her :/

I actually have a friend on CAA here that lurks in every once and a while. He might even be able to tell you a thing or two from his observations/experience that it's not a pretty picture :/ He was one of those people that actually wanted at one point to sit down and have a talk with her.

Praying, hon. I sent you a PM. Hope it helps.

Anna Mae wrote:
While you are an adult, since you are currently living under her roof it is appropriate for you to obey her to a certain extent. However, I would advise against letting her dictate major decisions such as college. But, nevertheless, it is still important that you try to honor her. That does not mean that you let her run your life. It does mean that you make a sincere effort to treat her with respect and love.

I agree...

Here's a quick, yet probably simple suggestion:

When you find yourself in these situations ask your self what Jesus might do if he were in your position...

...I'll be prayin for you...

Lifting you up, my sister.

As for the car part, when you're ready, I'll sell you one!

Just joking. I know a little about what you are going through. When I was younger, I was so timid, that my parents were the opposite of yours. I had all the freedom in the world. But I never took advantage of it, for fear of failing. It's funny how you can have too much of sumthin'. But as I grew older, and closer to moving out, the exact opposite started to happen. All of a sudden I was given a leash, and questioned about alot of what I did. Mostly watching TV, playing video games or just hanging with friends, just not at home. I live less than a minute from my parents now, and less than 4 minutes from work. I am being groomed to take over the family business (someday....). But as I get more responsibility, I am passed over / overridden on decisions, ideas, etc. I am treated as a small child in a business. And this is everyday, too. I actually quit once, about ten years ago, and came very close about 2 years ago. Although you and I were at polar opposites growing up, I seem to be headed into the same kind of rough waters you seem to be headed out of. (Wave as you pass by!) It is rough, but things will get better. Just don't let fear stop you, but temper wonder with Godly judgement, and you will be all right. When you get out in the real world, you will fail. You will get sick. You will be hurt by someone you love. But you will also be able to stay up late watching your favorite movie. You will love someone so much it hurts. You will thank God for every moment of freedom you have. I will pray for you. I will also pray that your mothers fears are overcome by reason. Even as you venture out into this great big world, it will still be comforting to have your mother behind you. I pray that as you grow into the woman you are destined to be, your mother grows into the nuturer she has been afraid to become.

*rant over*

So, are you looking for a new, used, or certified pre-owned car?

UPDATE:

Thanks SO much for your prayers... So the "big lecture" turned out not to be too bad at all. Because of what I did (and lied on part of it, although I HATE lying and have a huge trouble doing so, it was more of my own private matter) my mom just talked about things and basically said "as long as you tell as what you're doing, I'll give you more leway (or however it's spelled)". I was like thinking "wow... that was easy". My stepdad is actually the one more mad at the moment so I'm... staying away for now^^

Still, I'm surprised. Told my boyfriend on what happened briefly and he was like "what?? You serious?" So yeah... things are good^^ In fact, she even said that she'd help me furnish etc my place once I get somewhere and suggests I go for a down payment on a house rather than rent and she'd help me out. Surprising!

Thank the Lord! Great news!

As another update though, she came back and nagged me on another issue which I didn't think was a big deal... Oy... Need space at the moment so I don't feel like talking to her right now^^ I just have my limits where I just can't even discuss things civilly after being nagged. I just... can't :/

Still praying, hon. Glad she's going to try to work at giving you your space.

So she's starting to let up a bit then?
Phew... that makes me somewhat relieved. After I got your IM and read the second post you made I was debating if I should call you guys or something. You know just talk to your mum about her being unable to let go and whatnot but if she's letting you move...
At any rate, good luck.

To me, it sounds as though she's not ready to accept the fact that you've grown up. It seems like she's not ready to let go of you yet, but she's trying to in little steps. I'll be praying for you and your mom in this time of transition.

Things continued last night. She found out new stuff and soon the cat was out of the bag :/ After a bit of a lecture she DID loosen up however so I guess things weren't too bad...

I'll pray for you. I had a friend in a similar situation, her parents told her they would only help her with college if she went to the school they picked and for the major they picked and no if she tried to simply move out and get a job they would never speak to her again. Her folks weren't Christians. I have a pretty good idea of how frustrating this has to be.

PS- She escaped by getting married to a guy a month after we graduated high school she knew less than a year and dated maybe five months. It seems to be working out, but I don't recommend that approach.

Have you thought about sneaking away to Los Vegas, making a lifetime's worth of mistakes in a month, and returning home satisfied?

Or perhaps buying a chestburster alien toy (as in the movie Alien), telling your mother that you're pregnant, and "giving birth" (as in, it bursts out of your chest - probably better to fake this) to the toy at the dinner table and claiming it as your baby?

Yeah, neither of those is a particularly good idea, but if you have to go with one, I'd recommend the second. It's funnier to think about and not as dangerous.

Sounds like she's afraid of losing you. Still praying, hon.

I am so glad to hear that you are making progress. I am continuing to pray.

Sounds like your mom and my dad have similar philosophies of parenting. >_> Sounds like things are working out more on your end, which is good to hear.

*Hugs*

Wow Tenshi, this sounds strangely familiar!

Continue to make a stand, and above all, move out.
You aren't going to be able to "grow up" with parents like that, and trust me when I say this, your age doesn't matter.
You could stick around until you're in your mid twenties, and they will still treat you like you are a child, I know this from experience. T.T