So upset right now...this is a horrible night
PostPosted: Mon Jan 08, 2007 8:33 pm
Following up to my post here.
The second friend I mentioned there needs your prayers more than ever, and I need them too.
As I said, she (giving up on the gender-neutral phrasing, it's more trouble than it's worth) is going through something really horrible, something that could tear her family apart. And it's not even only that. This came very recently. This was piled on top of other things, terrible in their own right, that she was having to deal with.
Now, she's another person I met in my online college courses. We can only stay in touch through IMs and e-mails and stuff.
Well, I don't know all the details, but she had a fight with her parents today, and now she's supposed to stay off the computer for a week.
And I was broken up about that, because though I told her over and over again even as I tried to help and give counsel that I wasn't up to the task, and that no person on earth had the wisdom she needed, only God did...truth be told, I didn't have enough faith to let God take her out of my hands for a week, as if she was ever in my hands at all. The idea of her without me or anybody else during this time scared me. All I saw was my friend all alone, even though I know nobody's ever really alone because He is with us. So I asked God to forgive me for my pride and my faithlessness.
Then she got online for a minute earlier this evening and we talked. And it got worse.
It's not just a week. Once the spring semester of classes start (which is just over a week from now), she's deleting her IM program. I don't know why. I didn't ask. She feels she has to or it's best for some reason, so I didn't question it. I know she's been having other problems with their parents about this stuff, and at times she's questioned whether her online activities, even fellowship with her friends, takes her focus off God.
We can still e-mail now and then, and we'll both be on the class discussion forums, but it's not the same. She's not out of my hands for a week, she's out of my hands for...I don't know. She was never in my hands to start with, of course.
She told me I had helped a lot, though I felt totally insufficient for the task of helping her deal with this. She told me I had done enough, that I didn't need to try do do more. But I wanted to try. And now I don't get to. She's helped me so much. She's been the best friend and sister in Christ I could have asked for. I truly think of her as a sister in reality and not just figuratively. I would have been so blessed, I was so blessed, to give a little bit back to her. But it seems I don't get to give any more. All I can give now is prayer. It seems like I never get to do more than that.
But it's stopped being about that now, or just about that. It's not about faith in God to help people where we can't, though she still probably has to do something unspeakably difficult, and the consequences could be terribly painful, and I will keep on praying for her about that.
It's about losing my friend. Plain and simple. It felt like we were saying goodbye forever. There were all these things I wanted to say and no words to say them. She said it sounded like a play with bad actors, and she was right. And in my heart, I'm saying it's not fair, I know it's wrong, but I can't help it. I'm saying it's not fair that we get to get close to people so quickly and then lose them, it's not fair people have to be all alone, it's not fair she's having to deal with this stuff. I know God has made all this happen for a reason and it will be alright somehow, but I don't see how, it's not alright now, not tonight.
And what scares me is how quickly the grief has changed. I cried. But it didn't last long. It's been just over half an hour since we stopped talking, and already the pain is just a dull ache. I feel empty inside. Maybe I'm in shock.
I can't remember ever feeling like I can't take this fallen world any longer more than I do right now. I want to go home. I don't understand, God. Even so, come quickly, Lord Jesus.
Now the tears are coming again.
The second friend I mentioned there needs your prayers more than ever, and I need them too.
As I said, she (giving up on the gender-neutral phrasing, it's more trouble than it's worth) is going through something really horrible, something that could tear her family apart. And it's not even only that. This came very recently. This was piled on top of other things, terrible in their own right, that she was having to deal with.
Now, she's another person I met in my online college courses. We can only stay in touch through IMs and e-mails and stuff.
Well, I don't know all the details, but she had a fight with her parents today, and now she's supposed to stay off the computer for a week.
And I was broken up about that, because though I told her over and over again even as I tried to help and give counsel that I wasn't up to the task, and that no person on earth had the wisdom she needed, only God did...truth be told, I didn't have enough faith to let God take her out of my hands for a week, as if she was ever in my hands at all. The idea of her without me or anybody else during this time scared me. All I saw was my friend all alone, even though I know nobody's ever really alone because He is with us. So I asked God to forgive me for my pride and my faithlessness.
Then she got online for a minute earlier this evening and we talked. And it got worse.
It's not just a week. Once the spring semester of classes start (which is just over a week from now), she's deleting her IM program. I don't know why. I didn't ask. She feels she has to or it's best for some reason, so I didn't question it. I know she's been having other problems with their parents about this stuff, and at times she's questioned whether her online activities, even fellowship with her friends, takes her focus off God.
We can still e-mail now and then, and we'll both be on the class discussion forums, but it's not the same. She's not out of my hands for a week, she's out of my hands for...I don't know. She was never in my hands to start with, of course.
She told me I had helped a lot, though I felt totally insufficient for the task of helping her deal with this. She told me I had done enough, that I didn't need to try do do more. But I wanted to try. And now I don't get to. She's helped me so much. She's been the best friend and sister in Christ I could have asked for. I truly think of her as a sister in reality and not just figuratively. I would have been so blessed, I was so blessed, to give a little bit back to her. But it seems I don't get to give any more. All I can give now is prayer. It seems like I never get to do more than that.
But it's stopped being about that now, or just about that. It's not about faith in God to help people where we can't, though she still probably has to do something unspeakably difficult, and the consequences could be terribly painful, and I will keep on praying for her about that.
It's about losing my friend. Plain and simple. It felt like we were saying goodbye forever. There were all these things I wanted to say and no words to say them. She said it sounded like a play with bad actors, and she was right. And in my heart, I'm saying it's not fair, I know it's wrong, but I can't help it. I'm saying it's not fair that we get to get close to people so quickly and then lose them, it's not fair people have to be all alone, it's not fair she's having to deal with this stuff. I know God has made all this happen for a reason and it will be alright somehow, but I don't see how, it's not alright now, not tonight.
And what scares me is how quickly the grief has changed. I cried. But it didn't last long. It's been just over half an hour since we stopped talking, and already the pain is just a dull ache. I feel empty inside. Maybe I'm in shock.
I can't remember ever feeling like I can't take this fallen world any longer more than I do right now. I want to go home. I don't understand, God. Even so, come quickly, Lord Jesus.
Now the tears are coming again.
Are you still in communication with her?
