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I have something to tell that I've never admitted to anyone. About a month and a half ago, I had to be taken to the emergency room because I overdosed on Aspirin. I told everyone that it was an accident- that I'd been so delirious with fever and flu symptoms that I didn't realize what I was doing. But that was a lie. I took exactly 21 pills, and I did it completely on purpose. I even did research beforehand and calculated the amount that a person of my body size could take before they died. This probably sounds absolutely insane, and, honestly, even I think that it was.

I went home "sick" that day from school, and immediately took some flu medicine. I spent the day planning what I would do. Then, that night, I locked myself in my bathroom, turned on the faucet, and started taking my meticulously counted and separated Aspirin. Fortunately, about halfway through the time when I was taking the medicine, I realized that I was too cowardly to actually kill myself, and decided to just take enough to do some damage. Good thing I was also scared enough to tell my dad about what happened and that I was starting to feel the effects a short time later, because he took me to the hospital.

Why did I choose to do this? I think it was a combination of many different things. The main reason was that I had very recently disappointed myself in a deeper way than I ever had before, and in doing so, I ruined one of my lifelong aspirations. This, coupled with my feelings of loneliness, extreme stress, and general hopelessness in so many aspects of my life at the time led to a very foolish last resort: I decided that I was going to commit suicide. I had had self-destructive thoughts before, but this was the first and only time I had even come close to acting on them. I've never been a "cutter", a "pill-popper", or anything else that one associates with self-harm. But this time, I made up my mind that I was going to do something drastic, and I did it.

Of course, I told everyone that what had occurred was a terrible, horrible accident. I'm my parents' only daughter, their youngest child, their little baby. What would they think if their Honor Student, their artsy kid, their hard-working athlete, tried to kill herself and caused all this mess? I told my lie so many times and memorized it so well that even the hospital's official psychiatrist believed me. Heck, sometimes I think I've begun to believe it myself.

After all the difficult and painful results my actions caused, though- the overnight hospital stay with IVs, drinking liquid charcoal, and multiple blood tests, the questions from friends and classmates, the initial suspicions of my mom and dad- I can tell you that I never want to do anything like this ever again, and that I understand how stupid, wrong and pointless it was to do what I did. Still, when I think about what happened, I feel like I hardly know myself, and I'm afraid of what the foreign side of me might be capable of, given the opportunity.

I have never told anyone the truth about this. Only me and God have known until now. But I had to tell someone; I had to get it off of my chest. I'm not looking for pity, sympathy, or anything close to that. I just couldn't stand to hold onto this anymore. The one thing I ask for is prayer. Please pray that my mental and emotional pain from this incident will heal, and that I never allow myself to do something like this again.

[quote="Fionn Fael"]I have something to tell that I've never admitted to anyone. About a month and a half ago, I had to be taken to the emergency room because I overdosed on Aspirin. I told everyone that it was an accident- that I'd been so delirious with fever and flu symptoms that I didn't realize what I was doing. But that was a lie. I took exactly 21 pills, and I did it completely on purpose. I even did research beforehand and calculated the amount that a person of my body size could take before they died. This probably sounds absolutely insane, and, honestly, even I think that it was.

I went home "sick" that day from school, and immediately took some flu medicine. I spent the day planning what I would do. Then, that night, I locked myself in my bathroom, turned on the faucet, and started taking my meticulously counted and separated Aspirin. Fortunately, about halfway through the time when I was taking the medicine, I realized that I was too cowardly to actually kill myself, and decided to just take enough to do some damage. Good thing I was also scared enough to tell my dad about what happened and that I was starting to feel the effects a short time later, because he took me to the hospital.

Why did I choose to do this? I think it was a combination of many different things. The main reason was that I had very recently disappointed myself in a deeper way than I ever had before, and in doing so, I ruined one of my lifelong aspirations. This, coupled with my feelings of loneliness, extreme stress, and general hopelessness in so many aspects of my life at the time led to a very foolish last resort: I decided that I was going to commit suicide. I had had self-destructive thoughts before, but this was the first and only time I had even come close to acting on them. I've never been a "cutter", a "pill-popper", or anything else that one associates with self-harm. But this time, I made up my mind that I was going to do something drastic, and I did it.

Of course, I told everyone that what had occurred was a terrible, horrible accident. I'm my parents' only daughter, their youngest child, their little baby. What would they think if their Honor Student, their artsy kid, their hard-working athlete, tried to kill herself and caused all this mess? I told my lie so many times and memorized it so well that even the hospital's official psychiatrist believed me. Heck, sometimes I think I've begun to believe it myself.

After all the difficult and painful results my actions caused, though- the overnight hospital stay with IVs, drinking liquid charcoal, and multiple blood tests, the questions from friends and classmates, the initial suspicions of my mom and dad- I can tell you that I never want to do anything like this ever again, and that I understand how stupid, wrong and pointless it was to do what I did. Still, when I think about what happened, I feel like I hardly know myself, and I'm afraid of what the foreign side of me might be capable of, given the opportunity.

I have never told anyone the truth about this. Only me and God have known until now. But I had to tell someone]
never think about killing yourself. if there are problems in your life you should talk to someone about them. if you need to talk i am here. my name is warriorking500. i will pray to help you heal and i will ask the lord to take away your pain and i will take it into myself. i will always help another in need.

Fionn, I will surely be praying for you.

I'm so very glad that you decided not to go through with it. If you ever have thoughts like this again, please tell someone who can help you -- your parents, your pastor, anyone who can get you help. The pain it may cause them short-term is nothing compared to the pain they would feel if you succeeded in killing yourself. It sounds like you realize this now, but it's good to remind yourself if you ever have those thoughts again -- that's the time when you're not thinking clearly and you need help.

I will pray, Fionn. And do heed EireWolf's advice. Speaking from experience, it's the best way. Telling someone you trust helps tremendously.

I'll be praying for you as well! And do follow EireWolf's advice, because it is needed. Also going to a psychologist (a Christian one) would be a good idea because they can help you in many ways as well.

In my prayer.

I'll be praying as well...

i'll be praying for you fionn. it is important to remember that even though things may not be going so well right now, be it in school, socially, emotionally, or physically, God always has a plan and it's always for the best. put your trust in him and you can't go wrong.

I'll keep you in my prayers. Everyone has given good advice. Tell those you trust about this, as many as possible. Trying to kill your self should not be kept in the dark.

With you in prayer.

Oh wow, I'm so glad you didn't go through with it! Always remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a problem that's only temporary. I'll echo everyone else here when I say that you should always tell someone if you're even having the slightest thoughts of suicide. Anyways, I'll be praying for you!

You will be in my prayers.

I just want to say that you shouldn't consider not following through with killing yourself as cowardice. The act of suicide itself is cowardice, you showed that you had the strength to continue on, even though it's not easy. I'm repeating myself, but I just want to make sure you know that even though you wanted to take the easy way out, you stuck with the more difficult choice and that's strength, not cowardice.

I'll be praying, but just remember. Just because things aren't going well NOW doesn't mean you've gotta stop it all... take care! Philippians 4:13 and Romans 8:28

Fionn, I'm so glad you decided not to commit suicide, and I hope that thoughts like those will never plauge you again. However, as completely difficult it is, I really truly think you should tell someone who knows you in person. You need someone who is with you on a daily basis to be able to help you gauge how you're doing and get you through the hard days. Online support is OK, but it's just nothing compared to someone being there for you in person. I know how hard it is to admit something like this to someone you know loves you, but if someone I loved was contemplating suicide, I wouldn't want them to hide it from me. I bet if you tell your loved ones, they'll be so glad you did. I'll be praying for you, dear, and I hope things will make a turn for the better.

I am also glad you didn't go through with suicide. I once contemplated it myself in Junior high. What stopped me was the fact that I knew I'd make many people unhappy, mostly my family. One of my cousins has a friend who said she doesn't like the idea of suicide because "you don't even give it a chance to get better."

I'm glad you didn't follow through. I once thought of taking my own life as well, but eventually I realized it would all be for nothing in the end, and my parents and friends would be heartbroken and probably would never recover from it. From your posts, it does appear that you have thought back on your decision.

I'll be praying for you. My advice is for you to hook up with someone in real life who you can trust and who can leap into action if such thoughts crop up again. Even if you're only thinking about taking your life, and not actually planning to act on it, in the end you'll be glad your friend alerted those who needed to know.

It takes a lot of courage to share this sort of thing; you will be in my prayers. Remember God's unfailing love for you:

I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (Ephesians 3:17-19)

Thanks so much, everyone. You can't imagine how much I appreciate your support and prayer. Honestly, you have already helped me more than I could have asked for.

Most of you mentioned in your posts that I should discuss this with someone face-to-face. I know that this is definitely something I need to do... But I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm too afraid of what my family and friends would think if they found out the truth. The idea really scares me. I'm sure that whoever I tell, even if it's just one person, will never think of me the same way again. I don't want the people I love the most to think I'm crazy, or constantly depressed, or look at me like I'm some ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.

So, my question is this: Should I wait until I'm more comfortable discussing the situation, or should I tell someone now, while I'm still getting over it? Besides that, who should I tell if I'm so nervous about talking about it with the people I'm close to?

Admitting you came close to doing something like committing suicide is always scary, especially when it comes down to telling the people who care about you. Although you're scared, you should tell your friends and your family now. They do have a right to know.

I'll be praying.

*HUG* Im so so sorry that you felt the need to take your own life. I know i've no blame, but i feel like i need to apologize for a society that's so screwed up that people get to feeling helpless & discouraged.

My heart goes out to you. I know many have dealt with suicidal thoughts. ive been no exception in my life. however, that doesnt make it any more ok that satan attacks us this way & puts these plans in our hearts to destroy us! it's never ok. (not blaming you at all....just upset that the devil does this!)

Anyways, I hope you take this difficult time & use it to grow closer to God, to seek His will, to find people who love you for who you are - and dont hold you to a difficult standard of honors, only-child perfection! Take care & pm me ANYTIME. Im not particularly helpful or fascinating, but people tell me i'm a good listener & i'm going into youth min for the very reason of helping people find hope. So...if you ever need someone, remember me k? take care

Fionn Fael wrote:So, my question is this: Should I wait until I'm more comfortable discussing the situation, or should I tell someone now, while I'm still getting over it? Besides that, who should I tell if I'm so nervous about talking about it with the people I'm close to?

You'll probably never be quite comfortable talking about it. It's a difficult thing, and isn't likely to get easier. But don't wait until you have suicidal thoughts again -- when you're having such thoughts, you're not thinking clearly. It's best to do it now, when you have the clarity of hindsight, than to wait until your thoughts are clouded again.

Who to tell? I would strongly suggest telling your parents. They love you, and they can get you some help. It would be a good idea to talk to a therapist or counselor. There is no shame in getting help.

Don't be afraid, Fionn. God is holding on to you and won't let you go. He has good plans for your life.

Praying for you.. =)

Fionn Fael wrote:Most of you mentioned in your posts that I should discuss this with someone face-to-face. I know that this is definitely something I need to do... But I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm too afraid of what my family and friends would think if they found out the truth. The idea really scares me. I'm sure that whoever I tell, even if it's just one person, will never think of me the same way again. I don't want the people I love the most to think I'm crazy, or constantly depressed, or look at me like I'm some ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.

So, my question is this: Should I wait until I'm more comfortable discussing the situation, or should I tell someone now, while I'm still getting over it? Besides that, who should I tell if I'm so nervous about talking about it with the people I'm close to?

I know exactly how you feel, Fionn. I can think of specific instances where I'd made really lousy desicions in my life, but I thought if I told anyone they'd be disappointed in me and, as you said, never see me the same way again. But the problem was, the longer I kept those things I'd done to myself, the more the wound just festered and infected all the other areas of my life. Each time, whenever I finally told someone, as hard as it was at the time, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. I think God designed us to find relief when we confess poor desicions we've made to one another. James 5:16 says, "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." God has told us to find healing from our sins by confessing to one another. So, to be honest, I don't think that your waiting to tell someone will help matters at all. It'd just be like having a deep, open wound, that you just let it bleed and become infected, hoping that one day it will heal itself, when really, all that will happen is it will become a scar that will be with you the rest of your life. Wouldn't it be better for you to go and get someone to help you stitch it up, so that it can heal quickly and with as few lasting side-effects as possible? It takes a lot of courage to do that, but I think it will help you more than you could know.

I have one other thought for you to keep in mind. I think that the devil tries to cause us more guilt over our sin by making us feel alone in it. He tries to convince us that what we've done is so despicable that everyone would be disgusted if they knew we'd done it. But look at this verse: 1 Corinthians 10:13-- "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." This means that the temptation to commit suicide is a temptation that is common to man. Have you noticed how many people who have commented in here have said that at one point in their life, they too contemplated suicide? You're not alone in this. Hopefully when you tell someone you trust, they'll understand that you were simply faced with a temptation that is common. It's not like you invented a new breed of sin, you just let Satan get to you for a while, but then you overcame it. I'm proud of you, and I just hope now you'll be able to take the steps to find healing so that you can get rid of this once and for all. You're still in my prayers.

Fionn Fael wrote:Most of you mentioned in your posts that I should discuss this with someone face-to-face. I know that this is definitely something I need to do... But I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm too afraid of what my family and friends would think if they found out the truth. The idea really scares me. I'm sure that whoever I tell, even if it's just one person, will never think of me the same way again. I don't want the people I love the most to think I'm crazy, or constantly depressed, or look at me like I'm some ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.

Hey Fionn,

As I read through your thread, I thought of a friend of mine who dealt with despression and even attempted suicide once. When I found out what she had tried to do, I cried. As one who's been on the otherside-- the person who finds out about an attempted suicide-- let me tell you confidently: disappointment is not the response. I did not cry because I was disapopinted. I cried because I loved this person who had tried to harm herself, and I ached because I hated to think of her ever hurting so deeply that the only response she could find was to end it all. Loving someone means bearing their hurt. Your parents exist to help you as you grow up. They want to help you. Please, I beg you, let them. Self-harm is, in many cases, an addictive pattern. You need people who understand where you've been, because those kinds of tendencies may carry through to your adulthood. You need mature people who are ready to hold you up when you think you're going to hit rock bottom. If I were your parents, I would want desperately for my little girl to tell me the deepest pains in her heart.

Hiding something like this won't make it go away. Someone going to have to deal with. Eventually, it will come out. Won't it be better if it happens now, when people who want to help you can. Trust me, I don't run around with my friend thinking "Oh! I bet she's gonna try to kill herself!" because she told me, but I can tell you that when I see cuts on her arms, I am equipped to say "Where'd those come from?" Previously, I wouldn't have even thought anything of them. We need people, especially our parents. Please, don't shut them out.

I know you've been through a lot. I hope even a little of this helps. Just know that you're in my prayers, and I will be praying that God will destroy the stress and hopelessness that caused suicide to present itself the first place as an escape.

Fionn,

First, thank you for sharing your painful story. That took a lot of courage.

Second, I think you've gained great insight from the experience.

Third, if you wait until you are completely ready to talk to someone about it, you will never be ready.

Now, the most important thing, and the hardest:

I consulted a very close licensed and certified counseling professional (namely, my mom, who has been doing professional counseling for almost 30 years) about your situation specifically. Because you've gone beyond thinking and actually into action (from 'ideation' to 'gesture', in the technical terms), she feels it is imperative that you consult a licensed and certified counselor -- she suggests a Christian counselor who is board certified, you can find them in the Yellow Pages or through organizations such as Focus on the Family -- and contact them directly.

As a client -- and this varies from state to state, talk to them about it first -- a counselor is not obligated to divulge any specific information to your parents. However, it is very likely that the counselor will want to talk with your parents -- it is an important part of the therapy, and the unfortunate bottom line, somebody must pay the bill.

Obviously, you are free to do as you wish, and no one here at least will criticize you if you are scared of doing this. But based on her experience -- and I invite anyone else on the board who can bring expertise like this to bear to either endorse or refute her advice -- she believes you should consult a professional. This probably is not a situation where, given even the best-intentioned friends or ministers, you can uncover all the elements that led to your decision yourself.

I will pray for you, Fionn. I encourage you to seek the help of friends and Christians, but also agree that you would greatly benefit from professional intervention. PM me if you have any questions.

Mangafanatic wrote:As I read through your thread, I thought of a friend of mine who dealt with despression and even attempted suicide once. When I found out what she had tried to do, I cried. As one who's been on the otherside-- the person who finds out about an attempted suicide-- let me tell you confidently: disappointment is not the response. I did not cry because I was disapopinted. I cried because I loved this person who had tried to harm herself, and I ached because I hated to think of her ever hurting so deeply that the only response she could find was to end it all.

As someone who also has a friend who once attempted suicide (though before I knew them), I can only echo what Mangafanatic says here. I've been trying to think of words to say since I first read your post, Fionn.

I'll keep you in my prayers, Fionn. I can't say much that hasn't already been said, but know that God made you, He gave you life, and He wants you to live it. He values and loves you more than you could ever imagine. Never destroy something that God created and loves.

Mangafanatic wrote:Your parents exist to help you as you grow up. They want to help you. Please, I beg you, let them. Self-harm is, in many cases, an addictive pattern. You need people who understand where you've been, because those kinds of tendencies may carry through to your adulthood. You need mature people who are ready to hold you up when you think you're going to hit rock bottom. If I were your parents, I would want desperately for my little girl to tell me the deepest pains in her heart.

I understand that my parents have a right to know, and that they would want to help me through something like this. But now that I've denied multiple times that I did this on purpose, I don't think I can bring myself to confess that I was lying through my teeth the entire time. Every time I stared them straight in the face and said, "No. It was an accident," I was thinking, Now they can never know what really happened. I don't even want to imagine what they will do or say if I tell them the truth.

ClosetOtaku wrote:I consulted a very close licensed and certified counseling professional (namely, my mom, who has been doing professional counseling for almost 30 years) about your situation specifically. Because you've gone beyond thinking and actually into action (from 'ideation' to 'gesture', in the technical terms), she feels it is imperative that you consult a licensed and certified counselor -- she suggests a Christian counselor who is board certified, you can find them in the Yellow Pages or through organizations such as Focus on the Family -- and contact them directly.

Thank you very much for asking her about my specific problem. I can't explain how grateful I am that you would care so much. But, at the same time... I honestly don't know if I can talk to a counselor or therapist about this. I would consider it more if I was all right with my parents knowing about everything, but... I don't want them to know. I really, really don't want them to ever find out. Goodness... I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Again, thank you so, so SO much, everyone. It was hard to divulge this secret, but you have all made it so much better. I appreciate your help more than I can ever hope to express.

Hey Fionn I shall be echoing everyone here when I say that I am so very glad that you decided to live! ^_^ In our world today people really think that's the easy way out.

People have given you such awesome advice...and I agree with them...tell someone!

But I also wanted to share with you some verses that have really helped me out of a bind.

It's from James 1:2-8

2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

*huggles* you are in my prayers if you need anything just pm me! ^_^ I am usually on a lot.

Fionn Fael wrote:I understand that my parents have a right to know, and that they would want to help me through something like this. But now that I've denied multiple times that I did this on purpose, I don't think I can bring myself to confess that I was lying through my teeth the entire time. Every time I stared them straight in the face and said, "No. It was an accident," I was thinking, Now they can never know what really happened. I don't even want to imagine what they will do or say if I tell them the truth.

I totally understand what you mean, Fionn. The longer you bury the truth, the harder it is to dig it up again. But to be honest, I don't think your parents will hold it against you that you lied to them. I'd imagine that your parents would understand all the pain and confusion you were struggling with and forgive you for making a bad decision by keeping it from them. Especially if you go to them and say something like, "Listen, I need to apologize, because I've been dishonest with you. I told you I accidentally OD'ed, but that was a lie. I did it on purpose, because I was really scared and confused and thought I wanted to end my life. But I decided not to go through with it, and I wanted to let you know about all this so that you can help me through it." I don't think any parents who love their child could get angry over that. They could probably be really sad, as Osaka mentioned, that you'd been through enough pain to want to do this, but I think they'd be so glad that you decided to involve them in your life. Also, if you're really worried about hurting your parents, it might be better to think about what they'll feel if the truth comes out some day way down the road. I imagine they'd be more hurt if chose to never tell them but they still found out somehow than if you told them now.

I understand that this is a really hard decision for you, and I know I'd have a really hard time knowing what the right thing to do would be and choosing to do it if I were in your shoes. So, I'll keep praying that God will give you wisdom to know what to do and the courage to do it.