Too Close To the Edge.

[Zarn Ishtare]

Well, generally I....


you know what? whatever. I'm going to be blunt about this one.


Things seem to be piling up, people. If it isn't one thing its another. Right now I'm going through more than I can handle, and I don't feel able to continue. I feel like laying down and dying, but thats not an option, sadly.


right now I am:

Working my butt off to get a job

Applying to a Internet High School

Trying to understand Algebra

Beating my head against the wall over Math in general

Trying to write Two Roleplays, and one novel

Having a fight with one of my BEST friends in the world over something stupid and inane that I can never-the-less not get over

Going through another bout of depression

Feeling Socially ostrized becuase I don't know anyone my age in my neighborhood

Leaving my church over issues of doctrine

Finding a great local spirit-filled church (thats closing down)

Avoiding spiritually degrading material in general (Not so great on that score)

Screwing up my poetry

Screwing up my writing

Going through a four month period of spiritual dryness that is both a test and my own fault

And generally finding something to complain about.





this is it, folks. I feel like the Old Man within me, before Christ, just came in and killed my christian spirit. I curse when I wake up and I curse when I go to sleep. I cannot dream without seeing the people that I've wronged. When I pray, nothing. and not the "Meaningful Silence" kind of nothing. the horrible sound of godlesness ringing in my ears nothing. I can't open up my spirit to God, and all the vague advice I get: (Just, Like, Pray a bunch and Gawd will make it all betta!) is irking the crap out of me. I feel like a jerk, but I can't seem to correct my behavior. When I lay awake at night, I feel as though I'm sitting right on the edge of the world by my lonesome.

I'm not even going to discuss suicidal tendencies: I've been there, and I've come back from it. I don't generally trust myself around sharp objects, but thats more because I'm terrified of an accident. I don't feel like killing myself, praise god, but I don't feel much like being alive. Right now, I just need....whatever it is. God, friends, Prayer...I don't even know anymore.




Please Pray. I ask you, friends, mods, admins, enemies, people who don't even know me, raise me up in your prayers. I do not have the fortitude to even approach the throne where I am in my life: I cannot stand in the gap for anyone becuase my soul is full of holes. This is crap, but I can't see my way of changing it.



Thank you to all of you. May God bless you for your prayers and raise you up in your own lives and situations.

I'm going to go to sleep now. Maybe when I wake up, all this will be better.


Z.

[Jaltus-bot]

I can't say that I have been quite there, but I have felt like some similar things were happening. It will get better and God will reach down to us even when we don't feel like we can reach up to him. I will keep you in prayer for a bit.

[meboeck]

Depression is not fun. And of course depression is going to coincide with spiritual dryness. I have never known someone (including myself) who felt close to God during a period of depression. I guess what I'm trying to say with this is the depression and spritual preblems aren't separate problems. Most people would say to focus on God and the depression will work itself out. Having been where you are, I'm going to say pretty much the opposite. Focus on dealing with the depression. Once that is a little more in check, you will start feeling a bit more to the point that you can pray.

I don't know about your past with depression, so I will ask some questions. Have you been to counseling? Have you been on medication? If yes, are you still on medication? While you shouldn't rely only on medication to deal with depression, it can be a big help. And if you haven't been to counseling or aren't going anymore, go to counseling. I would suggest a Christian counselor because they can come at it from both a psychological and spiritual standpoint.

You seem to have a lot of projects right now. Maybe one or more should wait until later. Trying to do everything at once usually does not work. It will only frustrate you.

You seem to have a lot of issues with math. I don't know if you are already getting tutoring or if long-distance tutoring would be a good option for you, but I would gladly tutor you if you wanted. I really like to tutor people with math.

Ok, that's all.

[GrubbTheFragger]

wow your going through basically what I just went through. Give or take a few things but anyways Keep trusting God he'll get you through.

[QtheQreater]

I'll be praying, Zarn...your situation is similar to one I had a while back, and I didn't tell anyone. Because of that, I went through heck(to put it politely). I'm glad you've posted this here instead of holding it in like me...

[Ratrace]

There are certain problems that seem realy (too) common on this board, and youre going through the one people mention most. I agree with Meboeck on this one, but would say split the prayer and dealing with depresion 50/50. The spiritual dryness might be helped by leaving the church you dont agree with. The only thing I can remember that helped me when I was depresed was to set aside some time as often as posible to do something that was relaxing(different for me than most people) or challenging (in an absorbing, distracts you from other things way). That can help you with your maths if you do it first as well. Have you told God that is how you feel? There are several ways it could be stupid that I asked that, but it helps.

[Jingo Jaden]

Oh my, you are in my prayer. That seems like quite an overload at several factors. Stay strong ZI.

[Tenshi no Ai]

Wow... tons of stuffage going on all at once :/ I'll for sure be praying for you...

[Syreth]

I'll pray for you and hope these troubles subside very soon. As I don't know you, all I can really give is general advice: trials don't last forever and God doesn't let anything in our life happen without our good in mind. Just bear with it with eternity in mind and perhaps God will build some character in you, if you choose to let Him. No chastening seems pleasant while it's happening, but God chastens those He loves for their good.

[Zilch]

How's about this for non-generic advice:

Be honest with God.

I mean, seriously, tell Him everything, and be real about it. He's not gonna smite you if you talk to Him angrily. He knows anyway, but just get it all out. If it takes an hour of you screaming, do it. Let your emotions drain so He can find space in your heart to fill.

Secondly, don't dwell on the things that bring you down. I know it sounds stupid, but as soon as you realize that you're still a person outside of your problems, you get a different perspective on life.

I know I probably haven't made an incredible lot of sense, but it all comes down to being honest with God and trusting that He knows what He's doing. Take it from someone that's been there.

[gogogoh3]

I'll be praying for you, always look toward God and he will help you =)

[Zarn Ishtare]

Alittle update:

I'm doing much better. Some horrible things happened, but the end result was my getting right with God.


Thank you for all your prayer and help.

Zilch, your advice was espcially helpful.


Thanks all,

Zarn.

[gogogoh3]

Thank God, it's great to hear that, hope you love for God will only increase =)

[Zilch]

Sweeeet. Just hang on to what you've got.

[Zarn Ishtare]

Keep praying. Apparently I'm not out of the woods yet.

[Ryupower]

Hey,

dude, that's some stress and tough stuff you have there.

I'm here to pray for you. Stress is not good, and a dry relationship with God isn't either.

Give God a chance, pray...He loves you. He will NOT gove you more to handle.
When was the last time you read the Bible?
When was the last time you listened to Christian music?

I know the things you're going through...or not. I had less stuff and was already overwhelmed. The 4-month-dryness period was also one of my experiance. I put on some Christian music, and it really changed me ( specifically: Following You by Jadon Lavik. ).

here, a verse for you :

John 16:23-24

23 "And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you, whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you. 24 Until now you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.
NKJV

it's a rough ride. I'm praying

[SP1]

OK, now there's an image for you. Looking at your avatar and, assuming you look just like that, screaming out your frustration to God.

O.o

I believe I've recovered enough to talk sanely.

That's a serious plateful of issues there, but perhaps with a common cause. You might not be out of the woods, but at least you are on the path out of the woods. Take strength in knowing that you're not lost, just a ways from home on a hard road.

You may not feel it or understand it, but we are all praying for you. Surely, if this is something WE are willing to do, then mosty assuredly God is watching over you also.

[fairyprincess90]

i will def pray!
i know when i get overloaded i go through the same thing...
hang in there!

[gogogoh3]

I am still praying =)

[Zarn Ishtare]

Bout to make a fairly large choice of faith here...something along the lines of a denomination. Pray that I hear Gods voice leading me.

Zarn.

[Jingo Jaden]

I will pray that it turns out for the best.

[Anna Mae]

Well, I know that I came in on this a little late, but I will most certainly be praying.