CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

..I don't mean to dump my crap on you all, but I have
some serious problems that I need prayer for.. Uh..
Where to start...

I've grown up in a conciderably religious church (My
parents are the pastors), and I mean , in a bad way.
Controlling, narrow minded, legalistic. Alot of well.. Bull
has been shoved down my throat. I have been forced
to worship, I have been expected to be a christian, and
do everything pertaining to christianity. I have thus
allowed alot of evil to grow in my heart. My upbringing
has given me a very grim outlook on God, and to be
honest, I want nothing to do with him.

So, I completely rejected God at a very early age, went
my own way. Along with God, it seems, I also rejected
love.. For 17 years anger has pooled within me, a great
darkness fills my soul. At 12 I got into porn heavily,
and it has severely messed up my mind, and now I am
at odds of how to stop it..

I became a christian about 3 years ago, and after about
a year completely backslid, though now I seriously doubt
that my heart was ever committed to God. I turned to
God simply because I wanted my addiction dealt with.
When I began to realize what christianity really is, that
God wasn't going to simply make all my problems go
away, and more that, he wanted my heart, I ran.

So here I am, 17, destroying myself, not giving a care
about anything or anyone. And along comes a girl.. The
assistant pastor's daughter. I've known her for about
4 years, but until very recently I havin't really got to
know her. She gives me her email, and I start talking
with her. And suddenly I start changing my mind.. I
really like her.. And I want to get to know her better,
to start a relationship with her.... Suddenly, I want live
inside, I find myself wanting to love. But this addiction
has an extremely powerful grip on me, I am wallowing
in my own lust, and I know it isn't right... I know what
it will do, I know the destruction it will cause, and I
know I have no right get near her when I constanly
betray her with my thoughts, as Christ said, to look at
a woman and lust in your heart is no different than
actually commiting adultry..

So here I am, in desperate need of God, I need his
transformation in my heart, my mind, my will. I
need his love to repair my soul, to deliver me from
my lust and hatered, to teach me how to love in a
holy and pure way. The problem? I don't want HIM....
I simply want absolutely nothing to do with God.. and
I refuse to turn to the church for help, because they
are the cause of much of the damage within me, how
can I trust those who attacked me to help me heal?
So what now? I pray that He would change my will,
that he would give me a heart of repentance, but I
keep on sinning, and I am simply not sorry.. For
some reason I am not willing to turn from my
wickedness, I am not willing to even let him in..

I would ask for advice, but I don't even know
the question..
Please, pray for me...

I will most definately be praying.

I grieve for the perversion of Christianity that you were forced to endure as a child.

I would suggest being open with this girl and telling her some of what you are struggling with. You might even talk to her father about it.

If I understand you right, you know that your addiction is not what is best for you and that your life is not exactly going well. It is good that you are recognizing that. You also say that you do not want to turn your life totally over to God. I have felt similar things. I am a very strong willed person. I like to plan and reason things out, be in control of my life. Eventually, though, like you, I realized that I couldn't run my life. I don't always do what was best for me. I make mistakes, lots of them. On my own, I would be a mess. I would be all alone in the world, futilely trying to survive. What a relief to know that I am not alone! There is an omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, and perfect being who loves me and wants what is best for me. God wants to take the burden of figuring things out off of my shoulders. The great news is that I don't have to solve all of my problems. God will gladly take them from me. Giving my life to God was the best decision that I ever made.

I hope that my rambling has helped you at least a little bit. I am praying!

Anna Mae wrote:
I would suggest being open with this girl and telling her some of what you are struggling with. You might even talk to her father about it.

Well, she knows that I struggle with lust, to a degree.. I don't think it would be wise to talk to her father about this. She told him that she liked me, and
he declared that we could not be together without adult supervision, and that she was not allowed to date until she was 18 (He had promised her she could date at 16 beforehand). And this is another thing that deeply troubles me..

It's like that man posesses his daughter, and when I think about it, It makes me hate God all the more..

But your words are helpful, and thank you for praying.. God knows I need it..

I too will be praying for you bro. i dont know what else to say or i dont really have any advice to give but keep praying and i will too.. i recently just got over my addiction with speeding thanks to my 3rd ticket and im going to try not to do it again...after a speeding and a racing ticket in one day 3 years ago i dont think i can keep affording these tickets

Hey man,

Thank you for your honesty. It takes courage to admit all that.

First thing I would say is that the people who have hurt you weren't showing you God's true nature. He's a God of love and grace. Christ came to give you freedom, not to condemn you.

Please don't take what I'm saying as being overly critical of your parents; I'm sure their intentions were good. But a lot of people have gotten the wrong perspective of God because they've been hurt by legalism and bondage. Galatians 5:7-8 tells us that the things that hinder us from running free in Christ do not come from the One who calls us.

The first thing I would advise you to do is to simply talk to God, and be honest with Him. If you're ticked at Him, tell Him. If you're not ready to give up certain areas yet, be honest about it. We don't get cleaned up to take a bath. It's the same way with God; He's not expecting you to be perfect to come to Him. None of us can be good enough to come to Him in our own strength; it's only because of God's grace and because Jesus died for us that we can approach Him. He sees your heart anyway, so just be honest with Him.

As far as dealing with this girl... You should probably find a Christian male friend that you can trust and talk to about these problems. I'm sure there are Christian men in your community dealing with the same kind of thing, and if there's not someone like this in your church that you can trust, seek someone out even if he's from a different church. God didn't put us on this earth to try to go it on our own, and having friendships with other Christian men can be very beneficial through those rough times.

I can tell that you want to truly walk close to God; if you didn't, I don't believe you'd be here. Just know that God loves you. He's not angry with you; He's not dangling you over hell by a thread waiting for you to make a mistake so He can knock your head off. Jesus loved you so much that He died for you, but He rose again, and He wants a real relationship with you. I'd suggest getting into the Bible, into the parts that talk about how much God loves us (read Psalm 139:1-18, and the book of John, for starters).

I'll be lifting you up, bro. And although it's not the same as having someone you can physically talk to, if you need to talk to someone, my PM box is open.

I'll pray for you. Your struggle with desiring to want God is similar to my own. God certainly wants to change you. He wants and knows what's best for you and He will be faithful to do it. God doesn't change how much He loves you no matter how many times you mess up or fall short. Of course, this isn't an excuse to be lazy, but oftentimes we can get so overwhelmed in failure that we think that we are even beyond God's help (which is absolutely not true). Follow freerock's advice and get into the word. Get to know Him and you will learn to want Him. Read Jeremiah 29:11. He's got something good in store for you.

In the legal sense, we are not adults until the age of 18. I can understand your anguish and the seeming idiocy of some around you, but believe me, BELIEVE ME...it'll work out. One thing that I've learned in my lifetime is that if you want something, there isn't anyone who can stop you. Just understand that patience will help guide your thoughts until that GLORIOUS DAY when you can walk out that house and walk away...

My friend is currently in Washington because he wanted to simply get away from his family, much like yours. He's had to go through some hard times, but I gotta give it to the man, he wanted to be there, so there he is.

I pray you stop and think about what's going on around you. The best thing you can do is just figure out the best strategy where everyone wins, cuz those are the best kind. If you ever need to talk to someone about these kinds of things, just pm me, ok?

I pray for you man, I do.

praying...*hug* I relate to a decent amount of this, so I know how hard it is. Keep trying..keep seeking!

I'll pray for you.

I've dealt with many (almost all) of those things, and end the end, I got off the porn, I started wanting God again, and... The relationship with the woman.... I don't know what will happen with that....

I know how hard it is to forgive the people who hurt us, and we may never be close with those people again, but find that love you have inside you, and try to give it to all of them, especially when they hurt you. That always works for me.

Remember, eventually, if not for a long time, love surpasses all things. Believe me, I've studied love (if that's the right word), and I've found that it always carries you through, even if you never get the love back, from the people you give it to.
Marty