CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

Dear members of CAA,

I'm very scared of myself. This morning, after a while of waking up, I was seriously thinking about killing myself. Now, I, personally, don't want to die...at least not like that, but something (Those of you already know. And for those that don't, I really don't feel like telling anyone else about it) has been flicking at the back of my ears for a long time...but I'm too ashamed to do what I know I must. I do still love God, but at the moment my future looks like I'm not going to have that happily ever after at the end of this book. I hope I do someday...and soon.

A few of hours ago, I had a knife to my wrist. I did start to press down...but there was no incision. My wrist hurts now, though. When I had the knife to my wrist, it was like I wasn't me. It seemed like I was unconscious...like something had taken over me and was pulling the knife out of the drawer and placed the knife on my wrist. I didn't slash, though. I put the knife down quickly. Right after doing so, I started to cry a lot. Sad thing was I was home alone (It's a good thing I didn't slash, or else I would be dead.).

I know I must do what I don’t want to but I can’t. I won’t tell another soul…another human being, what I’ve done. I’m too ashamed. I’m asking you all that you pray that I will be able to…someday do what I fear. If I do not…then I will surely die…forever. I ask that you pray that I do not have any more attempts to kill myself…for I am afraid that the next time I just might do it.

I would like to thank those who I have spoken with on Yahoo IM and for those that sent me e-mails. That one e-mail really hit home. I know I will be here tomorrow…but I just don’t want to have this happen anymore…because I am afraid if I do the worst should happen.

I love you all dearly. CAA means the world to me. It has and still does help me in so many ways. I truly thank you Ashley.

-Christin-

Talk to your mom. ^___^ Tell her everything. I'll keep you in my prayers, hon, but I think that maybe something else is going on. As always, you can still pm me anytime. ~_^

my mom is the person i least want to tell.

Yeah, I know how you feel. I do feel like that sometimes. My mom doesn't even have a clue. And, in my case I think might be pi-polar or something, but I really don't want to tell my mom. Because then she'll try to ask me stuff all the time that I don't really want to answer, But I'm afraid if I don't I might end up killing myself... But, I don't know...

And, I will be praying for you.

I agree with TNC. It will do good to have someone physically close to provide support and love. While CAA is good, unfortunately most times it can't adequately provide that. Thankyou so much for telling us what is happening... well done too. It takes guts to tell others about this, which you have done. Also, well done for resisting the urge to cut, that must be a hard thing indeed. Rest assured that you have people from all around the globe praying for you.

In fact, let's pray now.
Dear Jesus, thankyou so much for ct girl. We come to You now to lift her up to You Lord, please give her strength to continue living for You as well as strength to talk to others close to her. Please give her someone close to support her through this time, and please let this tough time help her grow closer to You. Thankyou again for bringing ct girl into our lives, and thankyou for stopping her and helping her to talk to us.
In Jesus name, amen.

Oh Christin *hugs c.t.girl*

I'll lift you up in my prayers tonight. Hang in there girl.

I've been keeping you in prayer and will continue to. Cling to the promises of God and shun the doubts of your heart.

i thank you for your prayers. i am afraid of myself. i'm afraid of what's going on inside me. about an hour ago, my friend told me to read romans...my arms, seriously wouldn't move. he started praying, my arms would move a little bit but they wouldn't pick up my bible...they would only twitch...and type...but my arms just wouldn't pick it up. he then just gave me a link to see and read what he wanted me to read...but now for the first time, i can't understand it. i'm scared.

It sounds to me like you are under a spiritual battle...

Dear Lord, we once again lift up ctgirl. Lord, in Jesus Name, we rebuke the spirits of suicide, and any other the Enemy has sent, that are now attacking ctgirl. Lord, we bind them in Your name, and command them to leave ct alone. Lord, please comfort ct and give her strength, as we are weak but You are strong. Lord, please protect her and give her authority over these demons and suicidal thoughts. In your beautiful name Lord Jesus, amen.

Ct, do you have a pastor or someone like that that you trust and can talk to? I strongly suggest you do so. This situation needs alot of prayer, and as Matt 18:20 says, "For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.".

dont forget what i said to ya ^^ ill pray

will pray. Seriouly, you should talk about it to someone close to you, like maybe your mom or dad, a sibling, one of your close friends, or your church youth leader someone you'd feel comfortabe talking it through with, i have a friend who's ben through a similar time, when he found he was considering it, he would call someone and talk it through with em, or asked people over... its easy to lose heart over difficult circumstances, heck i do it all the time but have faith and confidence that God is there, that He knowswhat your going through, and that you can rely on Him to sort out your problems... sorry if i seem to be on a rant or something, thats not the way this is meant to sound.

Chris, you know I'm praying for you, and you can PM me anytime you need to.

I'm sort of with t_n_c here ... did something else happen?

Chris, I'll pray for you.

Don't let the sadness destroy the future happiness in your life, sweetheart. Don't let it take that away from you, because you DESERVE to live. You deserve to live the full life that God has given you.

I pray that God may shine His love on your heart, and that you may be healed. I know you can overcome this, Chris. You're a strong young woman, and you have too many wonderful attributes that would go to waste if you just gave in.

I know you can do this sweetheart. We are ALL here for you.

Your sister in Christ,
Hope

c.t. girl, remember this:

Jesus is greater than the devil. The battle has been fought and won by our Lord Jesus Christ. There is no authority greater than that of Christ. This means that these demonic powers have no right to control you. Remind them of that. I know it's scary when dark forces go to work, but be strong and don't give in to them.

Hang in there and stay strong. I'll be praying for you.

i'd rather not say again what i did. i'm just not ready to say it aloud. lets just say it involves my parents and that's why i won't tell them...they've been disappointed at me almost all my life, i don't need this to make it worse. i don't know why now, but it's eating at me. i want it to stop...yet i don't want to tell anybody.

about 50mins i had scissor at my heart. i put them down...and again cried.

Jesus loves you, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
The Bible says you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Do you know that you have authority over the devil, c.t. girl? Tell the sucker to leave you alone in Jesus' name! You belong to God and he cannot get away with trying to destroy your life!!! The name of Jesus is higher than suicide--higher than depression!
You can't do this alone, you need God and I would suggest talking to someone you trust. How about a pastor or youth pastor? You shouldn't keep this locked up inside you.

Kris, you really need to find somene who can physically help you. A Pastor, a Christian adult, someone. We can only encourage you from a distance, but you need someone who can be hands on with you.

Have you ever thought about telling your parents VERY vaguely what's going on. Just that you're "depressed" and you think you need help. Would that possibly work.

We all love you very much, and I know that I will be praying very hard for you. Please, don't hurt yourself!

i think i may be able to tell one pastor....but i'll have to wait til tomorrow...although i really don't even want him to know...but i think it'll be okay...i'll tell him tomorrow.

Just hang in there. I will lift you up in my prayers. In fact, I'm praying for you now.
Stay strong.

You can do all things through Christ! Be bold! Be strong and of a good courage: fear not! God is with you and He won't forsake you!

Please keep updating us, Chris, and I'm still praying for you. I hope all goes well with the pastor.

i will update you guys.

I was in the same boat you were in. However, I asked people to pray for me and talked to people (including my pastor and my parents) and that helped. However...it was God that cured my suicidal thoughts. God will always be there for you, no matter what. Whenever I feel suicidal...when I feel I hate life and I just want to end it...I turn to Him. Your hands may be able to do nothing but you can still gve your sin to Jesus and He will help you.

There's a song that I always keep wiht me when I get down and this may help.

Yet another day seems like it’s wasted
You don’t feel you’re any closer to the prize
A dead end job where there’s no future
Praying that tomorrow things won’t be this way
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know that you won’t feel this way forever
Things will get better this I promise you
And I know loneliness won’t last forever
Yet another day, another tired morning
You’re catching up to your intentions
You’re thinking life has to be easier than this
Maybe tomorrow things won’t be this way
Loneliness won’t last forever
I promise with all that’s in me to leave this emptiness behind

I will pray for you. Don't be afraid to ask people to. We love you and God loves you.

it sounds like there is some major spiritual warefare going on over you. allot of times demons attatch themselves to you through something youve watched or read or something youve done. this is because when you see things that are really demonic or youve done something not of God it opens the door for satan to get a foot in your life. if i were you i would do whats called "spiritual house cleaning". walk threw your house and pray over all the rooms. pleed the blood of Jesus over your house and things you own. you might want to get rid of some stuff too, anything that God has been tugging at your heart that you think might not be okay. i was going threw something horrible once and i realized that it was because of certain things i was compromising over and allowing to be in my home. certain movies that God was leading me to get rid of and tv shows that were not okay. get your pastor to pray over you as well, i'm glad that your going to talk to him! i will keep you in my prayers, please pm if you need to talk about anything at all.

Remember, God won't throw anything at you that you can't handle with Him. He'll help you through this. I'll be praying for you. I've never been seriously depressed so I can't offer any advice or say I know what you're going through, but if you ever need someone to talk to you can pm me.

sonichiro wrote:it sounds like there is some major spiritual warefare going on over you. allot of times demons attatch themselves to you through something youve watched or read or something youve done. this is because when you see things that are really demonic or youve done something not of God it opens the door for satan to get a foot in your life. if i were you i would do whats called "spiritual house cleaning". walk threw your house and pray over all the rooms. pleed the blood of Jesus over your house and things you own. you might want to get rid of some stuff too, anything that God has been tugging at your heart that you think might not be okay. i was going threw something horrible once and i realized that it was because of certain things i was compromising over and allowing to be in my home. certain movies that God was leading me to get rid of and tv shows that were not okay. get your pastor to pray over you as well, i'm glad that your going to talk to him! i will keep you in my prayers, please pm if you need to talk about anything at all.

I think that this is very, very good advice. We had a similar situation in our old house...

When we moved in, both mum and dad began to have alot of lustful thoughts, so they prayed together and lifted the situation up to God. Not long later, mum had a dream about a spider that was hiding in the house. She told this to dad, and they both rebuked the spider in the name of Jesus, and told it to leave the house. Less than a week later, mum was cleaning out the storage, and found a tape hidden in the corner. She instantly knew that it was a pornographic film, so she prayed over it and chopped it up. The problems ceased after that.

Also, she had another dream of a snake in the TV room. Disconcerted, she got up and turned on the TV, praying to God asking Him what the problem was. She had turned onto the channel that occassionally showed anime. My bro and I taped this channel to get two shows... one at te beginning and one at the end. However, we just left the tape running cause we couldnt be bothered setting the timer. It turned out that the video was also recording a show in between the two shows we watched, and it was this that mum saw. When one of the cahracters said "I cast a spell on you!", mum knew that this was what the problem was. She confronted us about it, and told us not to tape it (that was fine with us, cause we didnt like it anyway), and again the problem went away...

anyway, the point of these two stories is that sometimes Satan can get a foothold in your life without you knwoing it, and you have to be constantly on the alert. In your case, there may be a show, or picture, or statue or something in your house or life that is not of God. Get someone else to pray with you, and go around your house to see if there is anything like that there.

I will continue to pray for you matie

Oh, c.t.,girl, please don't even think about killing yourself. You're one of my best friends, and I'm not someone who cries easily, but I got very close to tears while reading your post. We all love you, c.t.,girl, and I know I personally would be devastated if you left us. Dear Lord, please help c.t.,girl.

i thank you all for your prayers and conserns...tomorrow...i've decided that i am going to talk to my pastor. it's gunna be really tough for me to open up though...and i hope he can handle this. i know this pastor well. he's my math teacher...and next school year will be my bible teacher. he's a cool guy. i am feeling better. i'm glad i am. please pray that i'll have the strength to talk to him and that this helps me to be able to do what i need to do later on. thank you all.

I think that's a good decision. I'll be supporting you in prayer in that.