CAA: Christian Anime Alliance

(read title) that's sorta how i feel...at random times....but that's actually how i feel all the time...i probably do seem like i'm always a happy person...but inside i'm not so happy...not always at least...i wish i was....i wish i was the person my parents want me to be...i wish i was a good peron...i'm not really...even if i do seem like i do good things...i just don't see myself as a good person...i mean i see ppl in need of help yet i can't help them. i wanna help ppl...i wanna help me...there are things i've done in my life...i know it's the past but they seem to come back...sometimes. i wish i could be that little inocent girl all over again. the girl that didn't know things of evil...the little girl that didn't know pain...that...that...that was actually happy. but i guess...if we didn't have pain and suffering, we wouldn't know or understand compassion. i dont' want you all to think i'm someone that's always...happy and giddy...i guess that's just me on a good day. no. the real me...the me that i try to hide is in the prayer request forum....i'm dark...and evil...the real me is someone that no one would want to love...that ppl would turn away from...the real me is in my poems...if you read them...and understand them....in a way you'll understand me...that's if you really want to...i guess i'm not really asking for prayers...but it couldn't hurt to pray for me...i really need a lot....and so do my friends...i really wish i could help them...caa is the only place i feel like i can be me. ashley i really am greatful that you came up with the idea of this place. God really blessed you with a wonderful idea. i hope you read this...i hope you all read this...i know i made a promise to most of you that i wouldn't give up...well you better pray hard cuz i'm sorta feeling like i really wanna just give up...on life. i know where i'll go if i do give up...in a way i don't wanna give up...yet it's in my mind...a lot of things are on my mind...at the moment i can barely remember any good things about my life...i don't even know why i'm sharing this...maybe some good will come out of it. whatever...just pray that i don't kill myself...i'm scared of this...

We're all evil, Kris. It's our nature, after the fall, to be evil, so those feelings are completely natural. But since you are saved, you don't have to be bound to that nature. Now that you are saved, you have the ability to do the right thing. But just because you so sharply feel this struggle right now, that doesn't mean youo're a terribly christian. In the Bible, we are told of a battle that is fought is our heart-- the battle between the old man and the new man. The new man is your desires to do what is right and Godly. The old man is the desires we all have to do what we know is wrong and "fleshly".

Kris, you've got to let go of whatever you have done in the past. God has. The question is not "Will God forgive you?" He already has. The question is "Will you forgive you." It's only after we quit looking backwards that we can begin to decipher the future God has before us. It's very hard to become what God wants us to be, when we can't see past what he wants us to leave behind. You are a new creation in the sight of God. Believe that, Kris.

I will be praying for you, Kris. I'll pray that God will give you joy, and will show you how far you've come and draw you further into the beautiful future he has planned for you. Don't give up! We all love you, and we're here to support you and help you in whatever go through. *give C.T. a HUG strangle-hold hug*

I can't say much more to you then I did over IM, just to remember that it's all true.

i guess i haven't forgiven myself...but i don't know if i can. yes i know He's forgiven me...and yes i've asked Him to forgive me...but i don't know if i can forgive myself.


thank you ZiP.

well, i've already talked to you in aim, but yeah.. i will definately keep you in my prayers.

thanks.

I'm sorry you feel this way Kris. BUt let me assure you, many of us feel that way sometimes. True, I may not know what exactly is really making you sad deep inside, but there are people always willing to listen and some may be able to relate to you. I used to be really depressed and I would use that depression to make more depression. And please forgive me if I am assuming but I'm guessing your doing the same thing. Sometimes, as hard as it seems we really need to move forward. We will never have closure to anything if we didn't. To continue to dawn over the past is not good. When God forgives you, he totally forgives you. He wants you to put all the wories on his shoulders-- not wanting you do worry about it. Sure the memories may still be there, but they are only memories. What done is done. Continue to move forward.

I can somehow relate to you wanting to help people but feel powerless to do so. For example, in the past I had a friend tell me something personal. I wanted to help so much, but it was out of my power to do so. Also, I'm not the best with my word choice. ALthough sometimes I mean well, it comes out totally different then how I imagine or picture it to. If your heart is in the right place, wanting to help others... then regardless if you are able to do so, your still doing something. Your friends will see that side of you... you mean well.

Let me assure you that there are plenty of people who care for you. Your friends, parents, God, the members at CAA and the list could go on. Sometimes we dread on a particular issue more then we need to. As much as we try, we are not perfect. We sin, sometimes we hurt others unintentionally,sometimes we fight so hard and still slip up. Life is full of constant struggles but if you continue to fight a lot of good can come from it.

Have you tried talking to someone close that you can trust? I've learned when we talk to others a great weight gets let off our shoulders. Sometimes it can really rejuvenates your thoughts and feelings. Voicing your thoughts is kind of like the first step of moving forward. From there it becomes easier to move on-- leaving the bad things that have happened in the past. Life can something drain us and talking about it can really help.

My advice, even if it doesn't seem like much is to smile. Even when you don't feel like it. I know from experience, if we think dark thoughts, more dark thoughts come. If we go through the day mad, depressed then the day will drag and only make room for more bad things to happen. Try thinking of something that makes you happy. A smile may seem like only a small thing, but sometimes the smallest of cracks will expand and become bigger. We just have to let it do so. We must be willing to let that change happen. No matter how far in the hole you may think you are, there is always something to be greatful for. Just remember, there are people who care for you-- me included. I will continue to pray for you. Continue to fight.

Jesus, help us to pray. We all need You more than we know. I lift up my sister here, Lord, and ask that You would fill her with Your Holy Spirit and work in her and through her. Be her joy and her strength.

thanks you guys. this really means alot to me to know that you guys care....seriously it does.

I think we all hide a part of ourselves, the darkest part from people. I've thought about giving up on life because it got so tough and i hated myself for what i had become. That did pass though when i realised that i was loved and people cared for me enough to listen and offer advice, but mostly just listen.

There are many people here that are willing to do just that. Listen to you talk about anything. I'll do what i can for you. I can assure you that I'll definately be praying for you. You're a great girl and God has plans for you, plans to help and encourage you. I cant remember exactly how jerimiah 29:11 went now, but i try to always remember that. I'm too forgetful sometimes.

hehe yah i'm pretty forgetfull myself at times...mostly when i'm tired. the thing that gets to me is that i give out advice to ppl (this is, mind you when i'm in a good mood) yet i don't even listen to my own advice. 'tsk' i should really do that...i think i give out pretty good advice...depending on what it is....and never ask me about advice on love! i stink at love. that's the hardest thing ever. at times i think i understand it...then something unexpected happens that totally throws me off guard. anywho, this is not about love...this prayer request that is. i guess...it's about me trying to be the person that i need to be...for God...for the ones/one that care/s about me. i don't want to be the horrible person that I think i am. i just...wanna be the woman that God wants me to be...but i'm afraid to...cuz i know there are things that i must do to achieve that...but like i said i'm afraid...not of want will be done but of those that will hurt for my actions...i am sorry for the stupid things i've done...i truly am...i know He forgives me...but...i don't know if i can even forgive myself...which i need to do...i thank you for your prayers.

Chris, I'm praying for you.

don't give up on hope, don't give up on yourself. i no i don't know you barely at all but it would hurt me so much if you were gone. there are things in my life that are horrible, disgusting things from my past when i was young that i can't seem to get over, i can't seem to forgive myself for. but God can heal that in me and in you. don't be bound by these chains, break free with Gods help. the Bible has so many things waiting in it for you. ive found that if you ask God for him to reveal something to you that there will be a passage in the Bible that he wants you to read because its his way of talking to you. once i was sitting on the floor in my room reading my bible and listening to worship music. i was sitting with my legs sprawled out in front of me and i was leaning against my bed. i was perfectly comfortable but for some reason i decided to fold my legs. and when i did a dime was on the floor that i hadnt noticed bfore. i closed my eyes and listened to the music and for some reason i prayed that there would be two dimes when i opened my eyes, just to know that God was there and that he really did care for me and has been hearing me. when i opened my eyes there was a second dime on the floor. i'm not making this up. God does hear us when we pray, he is listening and he does have time for us. i closed my eyes and prayed that there would be a third dime when i opened them. iopened my eyes but there wasn't a third dime. and i felt like God was saying to me, "i hear you, ive given you a sign that i'm listening, but now its time for you to trust me and walk in faith." so whenever i'm down in the dumps i remeber when that happened to me. i'm not saying that God is goin to start dropping dimes every which way but i do guatantee that the Bible has some stuff waiting for you that God needs you to hear from him, he wants you to walk in faith and trust him that everything will turn out according to his plan. look at betty ford, she was a drunk and depressed and God allowed her to go threw that so that she could open one of the biggest rehab centres in the world and help millions of people who went threw the same situation as she did. just walk in faith and trust in God. i hope that i've reached you at all. this doesnt apply to just you, it applies to everyone at caa. walk in faith and trust in the Lord because everything has a greater purpose.

i thank you, rogie, for your prayers. i still and for a long time probably will need them.

to sonichiro, i thank you for that story. in someway that i am unable to explain you have reached me. at first i was thinking that there was going to be a third dime...but i quickly read there wasn't. lol we do need to walk by faith(really good song. lol).

I can’t believe I missed this. *refrains from kicking self and calling self idiot*

Whatever you may go through in life, you have a beautiful heart. If you had always been completely perfect, but in sharing our imperfection and you being you, you teach me how to be more of who I am and not be afraid if it or hide it. I am grateful for that. You are the embodiment of so much of what I like about CAA. I can’t imagine CAA without you. One day, you are going to do something to help lots of people, and I know that you will have helped many along the way.

With prayers,
Sheherazade

Oh, c.t.,girl...I really don't know what to say when people are like this. I feel like I haven't been this way, so I don't know how to comfort you. Everything that everyone else has said here is right. And I definately think you're a good person, and one of my best friends. I guess all I can say is, feel better soon and don't give up.