Okami’s Mental Health Report

[Ryosuke]

Oh! So.... I have great news and some on the opposite side of the spectrum...

Let's start with the positive. We have our apartment! Okami moved in 10 days ago(I won't until post wedding) and we've been moving stuff in and setting up our apartment and its wonderful and finally FINALLY there is no longer a threat that we may not have a roof over our heads...

So here comes the bad news... With the stress of wedding planning and moving in and being in a mixed (strongly/mainly manic) episode, my Wolfy has been highly dissociative.... Highly sensory... Sighs... Its something I touched on earlier with us trying to help her to focus on being mindful... The mania not only strains her mind but has been straining me as well (I'm primarily depressive so you can imagine the strain of a 40 hour work week(plus overtime) plus trying to care for my beloved and responsibilities to various families has me pulled far too thin).

Thank you Sheena. Know that you are in our prayers too. Just a moment ago Okami brought you up in conversation =D

Your prayers and advice and love are appreciated and needed and I pray we can return it as well. And where we fall short I know that God is gracious and we are eternally blessed and grateful.

[ClaecElric4God]

Praying for you guys, as ever. Take time to breathe every once in awhile. God is good!

[Sheenar]

Continuing to pray for both of you! Love y'all!

[Okami]

Been a while since I've come to give my own update - my apologies, and thank you Ryosuke for covering for me in the midst of everything.

As he mentioned, we're both incredibly stressed and strained. On the positive, we determined this mixed mania is not as manic as was thought, but much more on the side of anxiety. 'Cause let's be honest here: I would have been happy eloping, yet here for the last six months I've been at wits end in the planning.

Dear Jesus, give me patience.

One more week.

Marriage will prove trying, as we know and are fully aware of. But through the planning we've also learned more and more what it is to grow in partnership.

The dissociations can be pretty hit or miss. What I mean by that is, sometimes they're short and I come out of them relatively okay. And sometimes lately they're longer and I come out of them entirely disoriented and unsure of where I am (99% of the time somewhere in our apartment)...

It's scary. I know it's stress-oriented, but it doesn't change how stressful those episodes are paired with everything else. That and I've been having....very....traumatic flashbacks recently. They leave me broken down and dissociated. Ryosuke is a godsend when I'm hurting from those, supportive in simply holding me. (Thank you, love!)

I'm trying to tackle one thing at a time. That's proving itself taxing.

[ClaecElric4God]

Praying, Okami. As ever. I look forward to all this stress and planning for the wedding being over for you!

[Okami]

Pretty broken tonight. Had a bad dissociation...
Trauma flashbacks are leaving me really frazzled.
I see the psychiatrist tomorrow. We've got quite the list for him this time around...

Everything is coming together in terms of the wedding, praise Jesus. Figured I should give one last update before taking off for the weekend. Pray for our marriage, my friends, and that God would ease the pain of the past!

[Davidizer13]

Everything is coming together in terms of the wedding, praise Jesus. Figured I should give one last update before taking off for the weekend. Pray for our marriage, my friends, and that God would ease the pain of the past!

I know we're kind of ships that pass in the night on this forum these days, but I just wanted to say congratulations! Have a wonderful time together, and here's praying you'll start your marriage off on the right foot.

[anlptgtsg]

Praying.

Congratulations.

[Okami]

I'm working on a response and update, but in the time being, here's the latest post from my blog! #WolfAndBearWedding

[MomentOfInertia]

Before I forget again... Congratulations! \o_o/

[Okami]

First off, many thanks to you, David, anlptgtsg, and MOI! God is good! Secondly, I actually started writing this response back on Dec. 17...so it's been a month in the making... I hope to be more regularly on again to report back here rather than be a lurker...

That being said...

Hey friends, we're back and the Wolf and Bear are officially married and settled in!

As of my last appointment (Dec. 12), I know I have a great psychiatrist as when we told him the story of how Ryosuke's work blessed us the night prior to the appointment he choked up and you could see the tears gleaming in his eyes. He praised God and how He provides and asked me if I remembered the time I told him the Bear and I were dating.

When I shook my head and said I didn't, he chuckled and started back through his notes, finding the papers from the appointment a week after we had began dating and read them to us. He smiled and told us our marriage was truly a God thing, a gift, and he could see it from the start.

He upped the dose of my medication and confirmed our next appointment for in a month, wishing us well for our wedding and blessing our marriage as we left his office.

Everything came together, as God provides. The wedding itself was organized chaos, as most are. Within three days of the wedding we were down to having one member in our bridal party and had to ask my brother to sub in as best man three hours before the wedding. It was ironic as the one remaining otherwise was my maid of honor, the one we weren't sure could make it to begin with!

I was supposed to have another appointment last Friday (Jan. 9) with the psychiatrist but due to bad weather had to postpone it and reschedule. Psychiatrist made sure I have the meds to make it to my next appointment...

Married life itself is great, but life outside of that is difficult at the moment. I am having a pretty nasty bout of dissociation in the form of what's called "derealization" (thank you, college) - which is, essentially, a disconnect of mind and body.

As a result I am trying to make mindfulness and prayer a more consistent habit...

Please continue to keep our marriage in your thoughts and prayers. God has been so good to us. I am trying to hang on to the hope that He will see me through this current trial and give my husband the strength to support me in this time of weakness.

[Okami]

I am struggling.

[Sheenar]

Continuing to keep you in prayer, dear friend.

[ClaecElric4God]

Praying for you, Okami.

[MomentOfInertia]

We're here for you.

[Okami]

Thank you, friends. It is much appreciated!

I can't say I am fully well at the moment. Right now I'm not remembering if I mentioned it, but we are currently trying to get me Social Security benefits - talking with the rrepresentatives upon getting my name changed gave the impression that there may be hope where it was snuffed out before. So for that, praise Jesus!

It's a...grueling...process. I'm tired, and praying God is going to provide for us as I continue this journey towards healing.

Next psychiatric appointment is Friday, where I am going to see about upping my dose and switching the time of my medication because I truly believe that is part of the issue. Since engagement in particular I have slowly eased myself to a third-shift schedule to match my husband's in work.

...So now the medication that I once took "at bedtime" is closer to what would be considered midday for me... thus, there's an issue. XD

Otherwise, yeah. Continued prayers for these things. I'm not quite sure I have words for whatever this current episode is....But I have a gracious husband and an even greater gracious God working with me patiently.


Other than that, I'm in the process of writing up a post that will detail a brief timeline of major events this thread has seen to edit into the opening post for those who may not wish to read the pages and pages of my ramblings.

Note to self: go through pages and grab the various blog links to add in. Blogs are important if people actually do want to read my words... Please do not forget them!!

[nillapoet]

I just filed social security. Definitely find a lawyer that will take commission. It makes it so much less stressful. Praying for you guys.

[Okami]

Hey Nilla - thank you for the advice. It's certainly something we've considered/are considering as we've talked with people who have been through the process. Thankfully we have resources and the main case worker guy seems to be...I'm not sure how to describe it, doing his job to help me? Lol. For that we praise the Lord, as we continually do in this mess. Oh, and thank you for your thoughts on this - it's good to see some different faces here.

Secondly, wow, I can't believe I forgot to update after my last post. Psychiatrist agreed on me changing the time of my medication - I had my one upped as well as adding a new antipsychotic (one that was not trialed properly years ago, mostly because I did not have a Bipolar diagnosis, and this far has had no adverse reactions like so many others) and I'm just exhausted of all these changes. Stabilizing would be great about now.

Still working on that timeline, and am grateful I made a note to myself because I forgot to add in the blog links. I will work on that some more, soon.

This weekend Ryosuke and I celebrated two months of marriage. Hard to believe that's flown by so quickly! I'm dealing with both struggle and victory simultaneously in this time due to the circumstances of this particular group of days last year. Once again I am grateful for a God and a husband to see me through it, as well as a wonderful bunch of friends continuing to encourage me!

Dear friends, please pray as I process through what all I'd been through this time last year.

[Sheenar]

Praying, my friend.

God is so very faithful!

[Okami]

Thank you, Sheena. That He is!

I've been very drowsy lately. I think it is my new medicine... Sleep randomly throughout the day and night and can't seem to stay in a schedule. I guess it's better than the 2-4 hours/"night" I was getting due to a primarily-manic mixed episode not too long ago... (Ryosuke and I live on a 3rd shift schedule, for those who don't know). Oh, life.

Lol, speaking of my husband, he hasnt been on CAA since my birthday (November 25)! Silly Bear.

[ClaecElric4God]

Praying, Okami! *hugs*

[Okami]

Thank you for the prayers.

Hugs to everyone.

Still drowsy... I was just laughing that you can tell what posts here have been made on mobile because they're kind of atrocious to read via laptop.

I'm working on the timeline some more: I just got all the blog links together so I hope to have that up soon!

[Okami]

New blog post today: Self-Injury Awareness Day: Seasons of Change

[Okami]

So I saw the psychiatrist on Friday and he bumped my original med up a bit and kept me on the other medication for the time being, as well. This seems to be helping. I feel a bit more stable.

I got a list of my diagnoses from him - corrected this time to include my Borderline diagnosis as the last form he gave a month ago didn't have it....this should help moving forward as a just to have sort of reference for whatever professionals may need doctor's proof of my illness.

Can't believe I'm headed into three month of marriage. Life is crazy right now. We just started reading Francis and Lisa Chan's You and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of Eternity, and wow is it a blessing! It's helping to keep a spiritual focus on general and within our covenant. <3 God is good, friends!

So yeah, just a general update. Timeline is about 95% complete now, so that's upcoming.

[Okami]

Timeline of Major Events: July 2013-March 2015

July 2013 - started this thread as a way to process the journey of my mental health, beginning specifically with the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.

-- misread my other diagnosis (Major Depression) as Bipolar Disorder due to a closeness in the numbers used in the ICD-10 format.

-- Started talking to an old high school friend regularly; you'll see him here as Ryosuke.

-- Blog: Midnight Prayers

August 2013 - I quit my medications and tried to do things on my own after experiencing a spiritual high and deliverance from demonization.

September 2013 - Blog:  Freedom, Healing, and Deliverance

December 2013 - I had a life transition, moving across the state of Michigan to live at my dad's after being kicked out of my mom's house.

-- Blog: Textbook: A Poem

January 2014 - I crashed, hard, spiraled into mania, and was hospitalized. Re-medicated and I hated it.

-- I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (NOS - Not Otherwise Specified), but they took away my Borderline diagnosis. I was not happy.

Three weeks later...

February 2014 - I had a flashback and was re-hospitalized. I cannot give an answer as to whether I intended to end my life in cutting that night.

-- I truly believe Ryosuke saved my life; he is the one who convinced me to seek help.

-- was diagnosed with Bipolar I Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.

-- Blog: Adventures in Mania

March 2014 - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Panic Disorder added to my list of official diagnoses

-- Ryosuke and I begin dating

April 2014 - Blog: Falling Into Place

-- Blog: Dating?  But You're Celibate!

June 2014 - Ryosuke and I are engaged. Mixed response: "About **** time!!" to "Aren't you guys...going a little fast?" Regardless of feelings, we are supported.

July~August 2014 - my mental health starts getting frazzled again, mostly due to wedding planning stress. (Little did I know...)

August 2014 - I get to say the official "YES!" to marriage with a true ring proposal.

October 2014 - after months of searching and praying, Ryosuke is the one to find us a place to live.

November 2014 - I move into our apartment. My mental health is further frazzled. I am rapid-cycling and dissociating often.

December 2014 - MARRIAGE. #WolfAndBearWedding

--Dissociation is frequent. With wedding stress gone, I am struggling as to why my emotions are this way.

January~March 2015 - Marriage is amazing. I love my husband so much. We are searching for answers to my current mental health issues.

March 2015 - Dissociation is getting better. The only time it's happening is during high stress conversations. I am learning ways to cope with this.

-- Blog:  Self-Injury Awareness Day: Seasons of Change

April 2015 - I am approved for SSI!

May 2015 - Dissociation and mental health gets really bad. Ryosuke spends time home with me, using FMLA after a bad med switch. He is suspended indefinitely from work, the company stating he was never approved....

June-August 2015 - things start slowly recovering. Finances are tight due to Ryosuke's unemployment. We are making ends meet by the grace of God.

[Okami]

I have been physically sick, so please pray for that. I've been feeling better(ish) mentally and my drowsiness is getting less, so praise the Lord for that!

[Sheenar]

Praying, dear friend.

Thank you for taking the time to write out the timeline. I'm trying to put a response into words, but can't quite get there. Will respond further when I can get the words.

[ClaecElric4God]

Praying, Okami. And glad to see that at least something is getting better.

[Okami]

Ryosuke and I are celebrating our one year of being together this weekend - praise the Lord!

I don't see the psychiatrist for another two months after this past week's visit. I really have to monitor my weight in this time because a new medication is causing me to gain, as monitored over several visits....I've never struggled with my weight before, so this is weird and new to me. Just....pray I don't freak out by numbers...I'm more concerned about my body right now.

I think that's all the big stuff for now. God is good. Thanks as always for your prayers, friends!

[Mullet Death]

Happy Anniversary.