A failing friendship

[blueraven]

I really hate to have a prayer request this soon after rejoining CAA but I could use all the prayers I can get. I desperatly need help with this friendship, he's the only friend I have.

I was never good with making friends. My mother says otherwise though, when I was little she said I would connect with other kids and nothing could seperate us. She said it was mostly because I knew how it felt to be different, my father was in the military and we were constantly moving. But even then I would only have one or two friends, no close friends though. I hated going to school because I had nobody to sit with at lunch and while everyone else had sleep overs and talking about parties I would just stare at the table with watery eyes because I wasn't invited. When there was a burst of school voilence I talked my parents into homeschool and that was it. I cut myself off from ever having to attempt to make friends.

Oddly enough in 2001 while playing EQ I met Eric. I had already made a close in game friend but he suddenly vanished after a few weeks so when I met Eric I wanted to make sure I wouldn't lose touch and so we exchanged emails and soon we talking daily on msn while pulling all nighters in EQ on the weekends. Something we always said was "I'll be here for you and I know you're here for me" and until 2003 I never really took it for whats it worth. The day I ran away I called him to let him know what was going on, I didn't tell him everything but I thought I owed him some explaination. When I came home I didn't want to talk with him because I knew he would be worring. I've always seen him as an older brother and with two sisters my age I could imagine I'm more of a little sister. It wasn't until November we started really started talking again, granted it was still on msn but it was better than not having anyone to talk to.

To beable to spend more time talking with him I restarted WoW (we both ended up quitting EQ after all those exspansions, the game was no longer enjoyable). We had fights just about every night due to not being able to find classes that played well together and fit our personal play style. After a month or two we gave up and I went to start all over on his server. Now I am the sort of person who refuses to accept help if I don't really need it. Now Eric always said he would get me back for everything I'd done for him in EQ and I know how important it is for me to repay little things like that so I've gone along with letting him take me through instances, a little power leveling, a tiny bit of twinking and such. But we constantly fight, and about stupid things, it isn't the game but rather my inability to get close to someone after being hurt so bad.

I get into horrible moods at night and randoly during the day. I get snippy and look at everything the wrong way and all together a very depressing person to be around and I can't help but think I'm ruining the only friendship I have, one of the few things I have left. I know we've both agreed that we'd be friends no matter what comes but I have a lot of self-hatred and until I can deal with that I don't think we'll make it to the summer where one of us will have the chance to visit the other. I know we've never seen the other face to face but I can't imagine not being friends. Even when I'm mad at him and a few days have paseed it doesn't take much for him to get me smiling again, even if the only time I smile anymore is when talking with him.

[Mr. SmartyPants]

You are in my prayers. If possible, try to get yourself to simply let things go, and if possible, try to think before you act. Is what you are doing something logical? Does it make sense to get mad over something as little as this? No: So what is the rational thing to do so? Maybe even set some reminder on your wall so you won't lose your cool so easily

[Syreth]

I'll pray for you. It's really hard to be on an emotional rollercoaster like that. Of course, pray about it yourself and ask God what He thinks you should do or if there's something He might have you do differently. Sometimes when we think we're doing the right thing, we might be slightly off track. We definately have a skewed and limited perspective of our lives compared to God. Hope everything turns out.

[Anna Mae]

I second the advice Mr. SmartyPants and Syreth gave. That said, I will be praying.

[Rambo]

ya I will pray for you and don't let your friendship die keep at it friends are the best thing God can give us to help us during hard time well outside of family.

[blueraven]

Thanks everyone.

I try to not let things bother me. I know I should just tell him straight out I don't like what he's doing or how he's going about it but I can't stand when people do that to me so I try to get around it and hint at whats bothering me (not a good idea since he is busy most of the time school and work while we're talking about playing together).

I just get these crazy moods that even if nothing is bothering me I just can't stand anything. Its only been a few days and this has been something thats been going on for years now, I'd like to say its getting better but to behonest we haven't been talking much so its like he's just trying to avoid the whole thing on my part. He always blames himself the next day, drives me crazy when he does that because we both know it was my fault.

I'm just so scared I'm going to lose him. He's been my only friend for so long and sometimes I feel that of he didn't know I'm always going to be there he wouldn't be around anymore. But if things stay low for the both of us, with this new job I'll either beable to visit him or he, me and if that doesn't tear us apart hopefully things will get back on track.

Sorry, I carry on. Thank you all again.