Negative Influences

[Slytherine]

I feel as though I have been making progress in my SLOW moving development into the concepts and beliefs of Christianity. I always felt a hollow emptiness that smoking, drinking, drugs, and "bad" friends couldn't fix. I skipped school essentially everyday the second semester of last year with a transfer kid at my school. We bonded over our mutual anger, hatred, and pain. I feel as though my new and shaky relationship with God has allowed me some form of inner peace.

However, whenever she comes around, I fall immediately back into "Bad Kat" with my words and actions. It's almost NATURAL. She's not around a lot [dropped out of school], but whenever she is around I just can't seem to get away, even though I know she's not good for me. I guess I just know that even though she has LOADS of issues, she is basically a good person; she just doesn't see anything wrong with her life. And honestly, before this year, I didn't see it either. And I can sit back here and rationalize what I do when I'm around her, but that doesn't change anything when I see her. It all just comes rushing back. I feel like I'm drowning, and I can't seem to stop.

I had my first cigarette in over 5 months 20 minutes ago. I have been working so hard to try and cut out the negatives in my life, but it just seems like when one leaves, another pops up.

If I'm not confronted with things I used to do, I'm fine. But as soon as I am, I get hit with temptation unlike anything I ever remember. Before this year, it wouldn't have bothered me, but now it really does. Not while I'm doing it, but after, once I realize what I just did. It always makes me feel like I'm some horrible person; or like an animal who can't control themselves.

I feel like no matter what I do, nothing has changed; I haven't changed. I mean, I feel more comfortable with myself then I did before. I'm not nearly as angry all the time. I found a santuary with something I viciously mocked months ago, and it's slightly overwhelming.

And even though this friend is a negative influence, I can't seem to cut her from my life. Even though she is a Satanist [no joke]; even though she has frequent, promiscuous sex; even though she lies; even though she drinks and smokes and cuts and does drugs. I can't change her, and I can't just dismiss her. I know what I need to do, and as of now, I'm not strong enough to do it. We created a bond, and even though it was made out of anger and hate, I can't break away from her. No matter how much I might like too...

Sorry for ranting, and for any spelling/gramatical errors, I just needed to get this off my chest.

Peace and love,
Kat
aka Slytherine

[Yahshua]

Ah will prays for you Kat.

[sharien chan]

Maybe at this stage you aren't meant to help her until you are strong enough in your Christian identity. I have similar problems. Certain people come around and I fall into the "old Julie".
I think it is just something that takes time, and God works on it in His time. But what I do a lot is that when I'm in situations where the old identity will flair up, I pray that God strengthens me, and lets the Holy Spirit just fill me up and radiate out, and that God will lead me in how to act and behave.
And when you're around this girl, you should definitely pray, especially since she's a satanist you know? You don't have to give up on her, but I think its one of those help from a distance things. Just pray for her, and when God reveals what you should do, then you can act, but for now, while you are growing in your faith, just pray for her.

[LadyRushia]

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."~Phillipians 4:13

God truly does give us strength, Kat, and in order to strengthen our faith we need to read the bible and talk/pray to God on a regular basis. Like I said earlier, I know that the whole Christianity thing is still scary to you, and I can't tell you exactly what's going to happen, but I do know that God will take care of you whether you can see it or not. As we grow in Christ, we're better able to resist temptation. I think maybe God is using this instance to show you that you need to get to know Him better.

[Doubleshadow]

I had a really hard time giving up a bad friend. I had known her since grade school, and even though she would bully me and hit me then, I still thought of her as a 'friend', perhaps just because someone I'd known that long was supposed to be a friend. More than one person in my family took her to church and tried to help, but she didn't get it. She threatened to kill me and was in jail by the time we were 15 on a three year term for violent crime. Do what you can, but it may just be that your best witness is to show her how seriously you take what you believe by leaving her to focus on your faith. She may be important to you, but He should be more important to you than anything and you'll give her up like everything else. Praying for you.

[Kunoichi]

Hey Kat,

Everyone pretty much said it but I just want to encourage you. One of my favorite verses is, "Our spirit is willing, but our flesh is weak." I can identify with that so much! It is hard because our spirit really wants to follow God and yet we can't seem to get our body to follow.

As for your friend, maybe your strongest thing you can do is to not participate in what she does. Easier said than done but you have to look at it. You are not going to change her, that is for sure but at the same time, you do not have to dismiss her. Explain to her that you do not want to do or talk about certain things when she is around and if she can't handle that with you, then honestly, how much does she really love you as a friend? Again easier said than done. You are going to have to take a stand somewhere, it is up to you when and how you do it.

*hugs stay strong sis, God bless

[Slytherine]

Thanks everyone, really. I really appreciate it. I just kinda needed to get it out, you know? I swear, as soon as I got out of her car and got into my apartment, I was on here, writing up that post. It's just hard. Really hard.

"Our spirit is willing, but our flesh is weak." I can identify with that so much! It is hard because our spirit really wants to follow God and yet we can't seem to get our body to follow.

That's exactly what it feels like a lot of the time for me. Like, I'll do or say things I don't mean or don't want, and I seem to have no control over it at all.


~Kat